Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Maybe She Rubbed Him the Wrong Way...

 First things first: if anyone needs a reminder of what Juan Pablo’s accent sounds like, please feel free to give my father a call, and he’ll say “O la, Mamicito, welcome to Meeeeami!” (he said that to me almost every time we spoke on the phone when I went to college in Miami and has written all of the above words in various emails to me, so that’s his spelling, not mine.)
Per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)


- This whole let’s-get-a-shot-of-Juan-Pablo-“dancing”-under-this-cement-structure thing…. I’m not into it. I’m assuming Bachelor Intern Jacob had consumed one too many mimosas that morning at the Biltmore with Hare, and was grasping at straws towards the end of the series of promo shots around Miami…

- I think it might be safe to say: Juan Pablo didn’t have a real job between his soccer career that ended on that Valentine’s Day and right now. Because even though it looks like this job is GREAT… There is truly NO explanation for what this man actually does. If this were third grade, and I were called upon to give a book report summary on Juan Pablo’s job, it would read like this: “Mr. Pablo hoards various Venezuelan trinkets from Major League Baseball players and every so often, he takes schleps them to Venezuela, where they are “exhibited.” And we are supposed to believe he makes an actual salary from this job.”

(I was a precocious third grader, and while my vocabulary was quite large, perhaps I wouldn’t have used some of those words when I was nine. I’d also like the record to show that I wasn’t daft enough to have referred to him as "Mr. Pablo," but it was very third grade/mildly hilarious of me, no?)

- The owl pillow on Camilla’s bed in the Bachelor Mansion Jr, where she and Ma and Pa Pablo are staying… is from Target. Or more likely from the bed of Bachelor Intern Jacob’s 8 year-old sister, Layla. Wait, her entire room is outfitted in this owl shiz. Which actually is from Target – so clearly Intern Jacob was assigned room decoration, where upon he dispatched his girlfriend, Kayla, to decorate the room. (Jacob’s mother has requested that the rhyme of “Kayla” and “Layla” not be dignified with any commentary, because she heavily disapproves of Kayla.

I told her I’d make sure it wasn’t dignified.

- Oh Sean. You are the most perfect. I will scrub dogs with tomato juice at two am with you in Burbank, California anytime. ANY. TIME.

- I am SO over the shots of this reflective, pondering, contemplative, ruminating, introspective, thoughtful, meditative… LOOKING OUT OVER A BODY OF WATER. Come on, ladies. Do we do NOTHING else with our time? (Wandering aimlessly through a garden does NOT count as a valid answer…)

- About these twenty-seven women: Juan Pablo didn’t know about the plus 2 until he was outside the Bachelor Mansion with Hare, ready to meet what he thought was a total of twenty-five. Well after THAT kind of build-up, I was expecting Chris to say “They’re aren’t gonna be twenty five women… they’re gonna be SIXTY FIVE women.” But he didn’t. Also, to my knowledge, there’s only been one other season with 27 women at the start: that of a weeping Italian prince. And they brought in the plus two in the middle of the premiere: they were these two hott Italian women, who sent most of the other contestants into a complete tailspin.

- Buzzword of this season: “get your time with him.” I can’t help but feel a bit like we’re all in a Victorian quilt-circle, and the older women are educating the younger women about getting their period: when you… get your time…”

Questions I Have:
- This question was answered above, but originally I found myself asking: six minutes in, WHY doesn’t Juan Pablo know that there are going to be twenty seven women?

- Halfway through the night: where’s that gold star on Juan Pablo’s blazer, from the teacher? WHERE?

- How many rounds of dry cleaning did that blazer have to go through, after the twenty-seven heavy perfumes it picked up, throughout the night? Oh wait. Twenty six. Amy J. didn’t wear it when he took it off: she awkwardly moaned as she massaged his hands.

I debated about posting the following. I care so very little about the women on this season so far that I felt it a bit of a waste of time. But if you need a refresher on who stays and who goes (went) last night, by all means:

The Women (To whom did Juan Pablo give-uh da rosa?)

- Chelsie: She’s silly because she peeks though sunflower stems. In the photobooth she slurred,“do you remember my name?” Do YOU remember your name right now, Chels?
Bottom line: Rosa

- Rene: has a son who “has a good head on his shoulders,” which is commonly said about eighteen year olds, but her son is… eight. Ohhhhh and then she managed to tell Juan Pablo that she got married because she was pregnant. I’m fairly certain good ole Mr. Pablo didn’t give a rip that she was pregnant before she got married, but the shameful tone with which she made this known did not do her any favors…
Bottom line: Rosa

- Andi: She’s a real-life gang prosecutor, y’all. Ok ABC was REALLY reaching on this one, by setting up this faux-courtroom scene for us… After the swallowing the stupidity of the fake courtroom, I found myself not hating the idea of Andi as the next Bachelorette. 

…But only- ONLY if there are no fake coutroom scenes in her promos. Just awkward dancing under cement structures, please.

Bottom line: Rosa

- Amy J: Amy J has never dated a man that wants to be rubbed by her. Juan Pablo was added to that list, tonight. If I speak any more of her, I will have to get in the fetal position, which makes typing difficult.
Bottom line: No rosa.

- Lauren: Apparently she’s a mineral coordinator. Huh. Wonder what that entails... Oh woof, they made her whip out the old wedding dress, engagement ring and everything. The ABC shrink must have been on a rampage, because they barred NO holds, here. Girl is undoubtedly headed for the funny farm, and oh – she just sat down by that light house and watched ANOTHER wedding.  Ok she is LITERALLY doubting EVERYTHING that’s ever happened in her life, now that we're in the mansion. Everything, ever. Maybe Teacher Ashley will give her a gold star. Lauren tells Ash “how ready” she is, but… seeing her crying her eyes out… I JUUUUUST don’t know how ready that makes her…
She reminds me of Blaklee. Which reminds me of the failed engagement of Blakeley and Tony. Which reminds me of how Rachel Trueheart got her.. ahem, heart broken by breakdancer Michael Stagliano. Ugh. I need a drink.
Bottom line: No rosa.

- Valerie: a personal trainer for… horses? She also thinks she’s Katniss, apparently.
Bottom line: No rosa.

- Lacy: at twenty, she opened an elderly care facility. TWENTY. Her life motto is also from the Broadway smash hit “Annie,” and I’m not at all upset. Is she an Olsen sister?
Bottom line: No rosa?!?! The fact that he DIDN’T keep Lacy around means that he has ZERO real interest in finding a wife/stepmom for Camila… None.

-  Claire: OHHHH she has a DVD from her deceased father, to show to the man whom she’s going to marry. I wonder how far the ABC shrink had to pry to find that little gem… The fake baby. I can’t even.
Bottom line: Rosa. I bet she’s going far. And it looks like she might be the resident wretch.

- Amy L: First out of the limo. Local news reporter… So does that mean she’s a reporter for… Her neighborhood newsletter? Will McAvoy? Her cats?
Bottom line: Rosa

- Cassandra: they ACTUALLY played crickets over the silence when they first spoke to each other. Cassandra USED to be an NBA dancer. But now she’s a make-up artist. How they saw fit to use the former vocation and not the latter, I do not know. And how Cassandra apparently survives on a steady diet of kale and dust, I know not, either.
Bottom Line: Rosa

- Christy: Marketing Manager… white dress… so tan…
Bottom Line: Rosa. (those above six words are seriously all I noted about her.)

- Christine: she’s a… Police Support Specialist… what? WHAT!? What does that MEAN? Apparently she’s a Camila support specialist, too, cause she brought her a bracelet… Well played, Christine.
Bottom Line: no Rosa

- Nikki: pediatric nurse from Kansas City… wait for it… Missouri. Her conversation with him was unfortunate, but maybe she’ll recover? Maybe.
Bottom Line: Rosa

- Kat: she was 100% lying when she said that she’d “done all kinds of dance but not salsa.”
Bottom Line: Rosa

- Chantal: Oh she gave him SPECIFIC instructions about how to say her name. Clearly she didn’t see Brad’s (second) season, where every other contestant shared this name.
Except for Jackie.
Which reminds me of the failed Bachelor Pad relationship of Jackie and Ames.
And now that I'm thinking about Bachelor Pad again, I'm thinking about how Stagliano had his heart broken when Holly married Blake.
Bottom Line: Rosa

- Victoria: she speaks Spanish. The sparks flew.
Bottom line: Rosa

- Lucy: Everyone’s favorite free spirit. She didn’t wear shoes tonight. Because she’s a free spirit. Newsflash, sweetheart: truly free spirits do not feel the need to broadcast their free spirited-ness with lack of shoes… JP called her a Happy Camper. I can't even begin to articulate how severely over Lucy that I am...
Bottom line: Rosa

- Danielle: she gave JP a stuffed bear for Camila, so she got a rose. That’s all I got on her.

- Lauren S: during her intro, I was hollering at the TV: “she’s so normal. WHY DID SHE WHEEL THE PIANO IN IF SHE’S NOT EVEN CRAZY?!”
Bottom line: She forgot to tell him her name, but she still got a rosa.

- Elise: Elise is the first grade teacher whose Dad lives in Pennsylvania. And even though she gave Juan Pablo this graceful announcement that her mother is no longer with us, he chose to ignore it. Or perhaps it sailed right over his head. Either way, when he did find out about her mother, the “sad face” he made was the most inappropriate response to that kind of news that I’ve maybe EVER seen in my life.
Bottom Line: Rosa

- Ashley: Such a good intro with the gold star sticker. Not way over the top, but totally memorable.
Bottom Line: Apparently not memorable enough to get a rosa…

- Alli: oh he is LOVING that she plays soccer.
Bottom line: Rosa (again: the above is ALL that I noted)

- Maggie: South Carolina. I think she was the one who had never been on an airplaine? Oh yep, yep there it is. Now she’s telling him about it…
Bottom Line: Clearly plane trip number two happened… that night. Because she got-uh no rosa.

- Kelly: Kelly’s occupation is “dog lover.” I have nothing more to say.
Bottom line: Rosa

- Alexis: vaguely looks like E. Maynard
Bottom line: Apparently JP doesn’t dig the kind of chick that Brad did, because girl got-uh no rosa.

- Kylie: Why did she do a pink dress with red hair? I don’t even know anything about redheads but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do this… Ohhhhh I would have just walked out, if I were her during that rose ceremony.

- And finally, the wildcard: Sharleen. Sharleen is an opera singer from Canada, and thank GOD she didn’t sing, but she did get the first impression rose. Which she apparently had to heavily consider before accepting? That’s a first. I don’t think she has too long on the show… I’m thinking she’s a bit too classy for Mr. Pablo…

Honestly, I’m not even really sure how I feel about this season, and I don’t think that bodes well. Not that my negative opinion of a season would matter at all, more like: if it’s a crappy season, this commentary won’t be as funny. And as we all know: I only live to entertain the people.

Regardless, in conclusion, I shall leave you with this quote from Amy J: “People don’t always feel you the way that you feel them.” LITERALLY.

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