Tuesday, January 28, 2014

When Life Gives You Lemons... Don't Get A DUI...

 Ohhhhh Sharleen is going to SAAAANG tonight. Yuussssss. So stoked. 

That was all of "Tonight, on The Bachelor" that I watched. I wonder if JP is going to say, "Weeeelcome to Seoul, giiiirlz," like Dez's "Weeeelcome to Madeira, Boooooyz!"

Actually, I don't wonder that; I just hope it doesn't happen.

Ahem, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Group Date: Nikki, Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, and Kat
Here's what happened: the girls learned choreography and danced with some K-Pop group of which no one in America has ever heard. Fortunately, the group is popular enough in Seoul, that a four story mall was packed with Koreans, eager to see this 2NE1 performance (with a bunch of white girls... that entered said shopping mall very UN-gloriously, after disembarking from a black van...). And yes, I DID google what Juan Pablo referred to as "the Spice Girls of South Korea," in order to spell it correctly, and I bet that Josh Rachet is wishing his name could be so clever...


-        Even though the girls only have an hour to pack, before leaving for South Korea, they found the time to have a dance party in the mansion bathroom.

- Andi could totally fathom a one on one date with JP… but apparently a one-on-one date with him IN SOUTH KOREA is just too much for her to handle... 

- Let's clap it up for the sensible ABC lawyer Dale, who insisted that the editors blur out the apple icon, on JP's iPhone... MAY NO PRODUCT EVER BE MISPLACED ON THE ABC SCREEN, under Dale's reign. Long live Esquire Dale. 

- Danielle (the only remotely ethnic-looking one that ISN'T Sharleen) is clinging to Nikki for dear life, when they find out that they’re going onstage.... This is the MOST we see of Dani, for the entire episode. Ah, I see that a few lines down, I initially noted, "We have not heard ONE word from Danielle. Not one." Just an intense arm grip.

- After the Mall of America Korea concert, They adjourn to the…. North Korean furniture museum. That is not a joke. 

-Kat's Dad was a raging alcoholic. He got 7 DUIs. She doesn't like to be vulnerable. Please see EVERY OTHER CONTESTANT ON THIS SHOW, EVER. 

- JP and Nikki were having a nice little moment, and then, out of the blue, he asks her, "So how do you feel about Camila?" I mean, I guess we have to give the language barrier a few points, here. Because clearly he has not learned the subtleties of how to ask a question like this one, so he just has to lay it all out there. I'm not too upset by this.

- Let's take a moment to appreciate how Nikki told JP that she could be into having kids, and that she is a great diaper changer… 

Camila is five. 

That is all. 

- Everyone, EVERYONE in this room that was watching the episode screamed when JP kissed Nikki… and it was NOT a good scream.

Questions I have:

- What kind of father DOESN’T pick their daughter’s wedgie? Juan Pablo wouldn’t know the answer to that.

- What are these garter/suspenders that the SpiceWorld21 girl is wearing? 

- How much red tape did Jacob have to go through, to organize the Visas? Organize the concert appearance? I am baffled by the international travel on this show...

- Why is Cassandra incapable of calling Juan Pablo by hus double name? Why?

Memorable Quotes

- “My future husband is waiting for me on the other side of the world!” SHUT UP, CLAIRE.

- Juan Pablo exclaims, “K Pop is taking over America..." Is it, JP? Or is Psy taking over America?

- Chelsie discusses the stakes of the date being unknown,“We literally have zero concept of what we could be doing…” She was mega-shocked to see JP on the other side of the world; and especially shocked that he looks remarkably like what he looked like... when they were in California... twenty four hours before...

- Nikki informs us: "2NE1 one is like, huge. Their video on youtube had over seventy seven million views..."
Johnny: I wonder how many views Josh Ratchet has...
Carolyn: I mean, seventy seven million is still way less than Rihanna...

- Nikki didn't stop at the seventy-seven million views remark, “Now we’re going onstage in front of thousands of north Korean teens and I kind of want to crap my pants.” Furthermore, she hopes they’re performing for the North American School of the Blind… Her words; not mine.

One On One: Sharleen
Here's what happened: they wandered around Seoul. Like Arie and Emily in Prague. Or Ali and Frank, in Turkey (may their PERFECT relationship rest in pieces) Ugh, speaking of "pieces," I wonder if Blaklee hawked that Neil Lane engagement ring, after she and Tony broke up. 

- Sharleen is JP’s favorite right now. He just told us. Again, we have the language barrier to thank. Instead of a stupid walking/running metaphor, like Dez tried to use with Brooks, JP just puts it all out there. And regardless, Shar-mander looks UH-mazing on this date.

- JP’s struggle to say that he feels like a MOUSE in a MAZE, right now… It's just a lot. I'm in the fetal position.

- I don’t think anyone has ever used the word “bombard” on this show, but Shar-mander's senses are BOMBARDED in this market. (yes, the same market where El Pollo Loco feels like El Raton Loco.)

- I love how these women are grasping at the thinnest of straws to critique other girls right now, and they’re picking on Sharmander's maternal instincts… She's not a gold digger or a fame whore, but if a child were crying... it MIGHT not be her first instinct to gather them in her arms. 

- Sharmander had several categories in which she was going to be assessing JP today, as any good opera singer does, and for the record: he's definitely surpassed expectations in the... FUN category. Not the "he's nurturing" category, or the "challenges me" category, but the... FUN category. 

- More shrieks rang out in our living room when these two kissed... I don't know WHAT it is, between these two... I'm not upset about it, but I seriously just can't get a handle on what is going on between them... I will also give Sharmander points, for a) the candor with which she spoke about having kids, and b) not wanting the first phase of a relationship to revolve around her singing?! There's no WAY the producers weren't shaking their heads at this girl who DIDN'T want to market her "craft," 24/7... 

Anyone remember THIS singer/songwriter chick, from Bachelor: London Calling??

Group Date: Andi, Lauren S, Claire, Kelly, Rene, Ali
Here's what happened: they did some weird, Korean version of karaoke, for the third week in a row, JP forced a woman into doing something she didn't want to... (In the second episode, he got Andi to take her clothes off. In the third, he got BabyChelsie to jump off a bridge, and this week, he talked Claire into eating a BITE of octopus...) 

- These geese paddle boats, right now…

- I certainly wouldn’t be embarrassed or freaked out by the prospect of a fish eating the dead skin off my feet, I’d be concerned that they’d love my feet more than anyone else’s… That – THAT would be embarrassing. (Renee, sweetie, I'm looking at YOU.)

- JP is helpless because Claire has… sexy teeth. That is a genuine observation, collected straight from JP's words about his make-out sesh with Claire.

Memorable Quote:

- Claire put up what was easily the biggest and most embarrassing protest against a bite of food that I've ever seen in my LIFE. (and I've witnessed some MAJOR protests. Do you know what kind of broccoli and cauliflower I've had to coax kids into eating??) “Of all the weird food you could POSSIBLY eat, she’s afraid of octopus…” THANK YOU, ALLI.

- Renee tried to segue into a beso with a sensible question:“How would Camila feel if she saw your kiss me?” Well, Renee, I don't know that now is the time to bring up the man's wedgied daughter, honestly... And to make matters worse, (for Renee) this gave him an immediate out, when he replied, “I don’t know, how Ben would feel?” Blah blah he's not going to kiss anymore women tonight... Except for Claire's teeth.

- Halfway through Kelly and Andi's reenactment of the octopus debacle, my friend Johnny commented, “Kelly is that girl who sat at the table with the popular girls but no one knew why… And she made fun of other girls, and looked bad at prom…Totally that girl.”

Rose Ceremony: 

This was Johnny's impression of BabyChelsie, taking in the Mulan Palace:
Hannah happened to tune in as I was taking the picture, and was just generally weirded out by what he was doing...

- I don’t necessarily think that Nikki should have come up on JP and Claire, but then I hear Claire talking about her Dad and I JUST don’t hate Nikki for the "interruption."

- Oh, how about Claire's, “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I’ll stand up for what I believe in.” THAT'S one for the books...

- I mean… This drama between Nikki and Claire… This - THIS is how wars are started. I fully believe that Juan Pablo was hinting at NOTHING, with his remarks about the house, and yet alliances are already being formed, and treaties already being signed...

Roses went to: Andi, Nikki, Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Allie, Claire, and Kat. 

They're going to 'Nam next week. Wonder if they'll see Lieutenant Dan...

Verbal Faux Pas:
-Y'all, Kat has been dancing before she could walk. KAT, IF YOU CAN'T WALK, YOU CAN'T DANCE. Did Abby Lee Miller teach her that line?

- Whilst gushing about the upcoming international travel, Claire shrieked, “Korea? I don’t even have a kimono!” 


Never tell ANYONE that you thought kimonos were a general thing, throughout all Asian countries... Just don't.

And I'm just saying...

I WOULD KNOW. You're welcome, America.

- I was SO grateful when Elise CORRECTLY said “I don’t want him to get the wool pulled over his eyes…” but then she remarked that she wanted him to “see through the smog…” Unless she was referring to J. R. R. Tolkein’s dragon, Smaug, she missed this one.

- I can't even recall about whom she was speaking, but we had a GEM from Nikki, with: “A very over-taking personality.”

- Let us close with El Raton Loco: “There’s like, 2NE1. They’re like… the coolest dance moves ever.” This band was... the coolest dance moves, ever.

Gooooood niiiiight, Los Angeles!

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