Tuesday, February 4, 2014

She Just Wants to be a Panda Bear...

...In a room full of Brown Bears.

First things first:

Emily Maynard is engaged.

Let’s just take a look at the facts, shall we?

1) He gave her FOUR engagement rings. That is not a joke.

I’m sure I’m not the first to make this joke, but let the record show: this means that he officially gave her one ring for every engagement that she’s had in her life: Ricky the First, B-rad, One-F-Jef and now him… Does that make B-rad the big fat ring? 

Either way, dude must be rich...

Lest you think I'm making a tacky remark about another's financial standing, allow me to finish that sentence:

He must be rich in friendship and the love of Jesus.

I'm hoping that NO ONE is wondering where that line came from, because it obviously came from none other than Big Daddy Rock Star himself: 

I think I asked him if he was rich when I was in about the second grade, and that was his reply. Every now and then I'll ask him out of the blue, just to see how far his answer has evolved. I think the last time it was "I'm rich in God's love and in the friendship of people who extend the right hand of Christian fellowship..."

2) When Maynard made the announcement, she said the following: "And no, it's not to someone I met on a reality show or even a dating site, but to an amazing man I met through my church, Forest Hill, in Charlotte.”

May we just take a moment to address Miss Maynard’s tone, here? It is as though she is chiding Middle America for believing in fairy tales on reality TV, when she, in fact, TRIED TO LIVE IN SAID FAIRYTALE NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE. Also… Forest Hill’s attendance will definitely be up for the next few weeks. Good one, Em.


This post is dedicated to Molly Campbell and Christine D'Amore. All I want is to entertain the people, and those two find me to be entertaining. 

Ahem, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

So a roommate, WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS, somehow didn’t set a series recording for this show… We started the episode 30 minutes late. I’m terribly un-sad about it, did I miss anything? Apparently Mama Rene went on a date, didn't make out with him (as we later found out) but got a rose. 

Group Date: Chelsie, Sharleen, Clare, Andi, Ali, Kat, Cassandra, Danielle

Here's what happened: they had to pair up in these boats to float down the river, and because Clare has ZERO friends, she got to row with Don Juan himself. (May I JUST take a moment to call our minds back to the time that MyBestFriendLez DEMANDED that Seannie be her rowing buddy, on their way to the Polar Bear Plunge of Doom? I'm JUST saying. Partners should be a CHOICE, not a default. Clare.) Whilst walking down a (Vietnamese) back country road later on in the date, Don Juan asked a native if he knew where they could get some grub, and said native was gracious enough to bring the Gaggle of Girls + Don Juan into his home and feed them all. Clare got the rose and then pulled a Courtney Roberts, by getting Don Juan to go swimming with her, because "swimming in a warm ocean" was on her Bucket List. In addition to that being on Clare's Bucket List, I am married to Sean Lowe, and Tina Fey is President of the United States.


- Well Clare has obviously taken her hair extensions out… Gives a whole new meaning to "letting your hair down..." YUK YUK YUK...

- Post Row-Your-Boat, Don Juan elects to ask a local if he knows where they might find a nearby McDonalds… Said local motions them into his house. They follow him into his house

...Is anyone else thinking what I’m thinking?

Vietnamese Easter Egg Hunt, RIGHT?!

- Admittedly un-creepy local takes Gaggle of Girls + Don Juan into his garden, which is apparently bigger than the vinyard acreage of Dennis Quaid in The Parent Trap. Cassandra thinks that it’s so great that people do these things where they care for the land together, and gather food. She wishes we could bring this idea to America. (I'm not even trying to be funny: she genuinely said that) When I asked if I'd heard her right, my friend Johnny said, "Oh, she just thinks it would be a great idea to have them in America. To have farms in America."

- Well Kelly is certainly a pro with a pair chopstix… Something tells me that this JUST might be the only thing working in her favor, for this entire episode...

- The blind trust that Andi puts in el Pollo Don Juan Loco when he says “trust me” makes me VERY skeptical of her DA skills.. He just says "trust me" and she literally just flips a switch and suddenly has ZERO doubt... 

- During their Oceanic Romp, Clare remarked that JP was holding onto her because he wanted to protect her and keep her safe. 
.....Grace thinks it’s for other reasons…

- Now Clare is talking about Baby Giraffes and I just don’t even know what’s happening anymore.

Questions I have:
- Clare is now asking JP what he looks for in a woman… This is the question that gets asked on the FIRST NIGHT, and then NEVER AGAIN. Why is she asking this now? How does she not know this?

- Are we not going to see the girls’ reactions to JP and Clare coming back soaking wet, from their pool jaunt?

- Why did we need to see that shot of Kat smelling Clare’s rose? Had she never inhaled one before?

- Remember that time it took Clare FORTY FIVE MINUTES to inquire if JP wanted to go swimming in the ocean? I tell my Kindergartners this all the time: USE YOUR WORDS, CLARE.

- Like, did JP take her v-card? Did he? THERE; I ASKED IT. I mean, what happened during that Oceanic Romp? Everything that Clare was saying about letting go and being vulnerable and living in the moment made me barf in my mouth (and I may or may not be as adept as Clare at repressing said barf...) I"m so confused about what went on, but I don't think I WANT any explanation... 

Memorable Quotes:

- When they were floating just around the river bend and Don Juan leaned in for a beso, he asked Clare, "Do you like this sneakiness?” No, I don't, SeanJohnDonJuan.

- About witnessing Clare and JP and the besos, Andi said,“Seeing another one on one date happening in front of me… That’s annoying.” Well put, Andi. I'll give you ten points. But then later she told us, Next thing you know… we’re sucking face again; sorry Mom.” Oh boy. Minus TWENTY points, Ands.

- “I need to know that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears….” No joke, Sharleen said those words. Is it a good thing, to be seen as a panda? Has anyone seen that youtube clip of the baby panda sneezing? That shiz is terrifying. May no man EVER compare me to a Panda...

- Ohhhh more about the SeanJohnDonJuan's Oceanic Romp (BEFORE he was telling Clare that he basically regretted it because "my daughter is going to see that..." what, is she going to see it tomorrow, Don Juan?) “The waves were wild, and we were wild, too…”

....I think we're done, here.

One On One Date: Nikki


- Well so far, if anything: Nikki’s hair is killing it.

- Nikki JUST might be the first GENUINELY terrified contestant on this show, to face a height challenge… I'm not particularly afraid of heights, but I'd be pretty concerned about insurance coverage and Vietnamese hospitals if I were about to repel 200 ft, but girl was  petrified. 

- I mean… you guys. I really like Nikki. Am I alone, here? Is there something I’m missing?

- I do NOT enjoy this penchant of Don Juan’s for petting the face. Stop grazing her nose and chin with your hand, IT'S WEIRD

Memorable Quotes:
- Nikki weighed both sides of the abyss plunge: “I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants…” HEY NIK,  IF YOU POOP YOUR PANTS, YOU'RE STILL IN THE ‘ALIVE’ BRACKET

- “Even though we’re in hell, being here with Juan Pablo makes it feel like heaven.” Ohhhhh there it is.

- When Don Juan told Nikki that he liked how upfront she was with negative aspects of herself, she said, “Not everybody is sunshine and rainbows all the time…” to which he replied, “I know that, and I know that some people just say ‘sunshine and rainbows and stars and beautiful.’” So I've definitely never heard anyone ever say that, but apparently Don Juan runs into optimists ALL THE TIME. 

Rose Ceremony:

I mean, just... why all this stuff about Clare and Don Juan and the ocean? With her excuse of tears being "bad allergies, girl!" we all discovered that Clare is actually the worst liar on EARTH and while I'm not one to dwell on explicit subjects, I would like to remark that it is obviously next to impossible for the night to have just been about a dip in the "warm ocean" (ewww) if Don Juan somehow feels that his daughter was disrespected and Clare is basically heaving about the prospect of disrespecting a 13 year old Camila (at least, I'm hoping she won't watch this till she's 13..)

Lastly, I’m pretty sure that everyone is after the rose ceremony right now because it’s been such a tense night and they're all so HORRIBLY jet-lagged. Sharleen is legit sobbing right now… BECAUSE SHE’S SO SLEEPY THAT SHE CAN’T SEE STRAIGHT. 

I honestly wasn't even paying enough attention to catch all of the verbal faux pas last night, but the ones that I DID hear were gems: (both from Sean John) 

- “Me and Clare, we are like, stuck these trees, right now…”

- “She’s getting out of her comfort zone and I’m liking a lot that, about Clare.” 

I'm disliking a lot, that we haven't seen enough Hare. And where was Lieutenant Dan? THAT IS ALL.

If you're Pollo Loco, I'm Pollo Loco...

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