Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Party in the City Where the (Rose) is On...

So who’s ready for some celebrity gossip?


I actually have no idea if he has a Prius or not, but I’d like to think he does, now that we’re dating…

I have zero shame about taking this Creepy McCreepville photo, in my side view mirror (come on: I was trying to be subtle) and did I mention that he totally did a double take, when I drove by?

Now, for those of you who are thinking: I wouldn’t have pegged you for one of those girls, Grace, (You know the one I’m talking about; the kind of girl who has to stop EVERYONE’S conversation at your table at the restaurant, so she can tell you how she’s “like, so embarrassed” that the waiter is totally checking her out…) Spoiler alert: THIS girl probably did that, every other second of college:
No but he's like, totally looking at me... 

WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT: Justin Long 100% did a double take when I drove past him… because of my visor. Truly.

If you don’t know the blue and white Hawaian print gem of which I am speaking, then just forget it. But I’M JUST SAYING that the visor is an eye-catcher, ok? Not an “eyeSORE” as my mother seems to think…

Oh... Oh dear. Look at that: did I just digress for an entire page because I’m SO DISENCHANTED BY THIS SEASON?! I did.


This post is dedicated to Claire Douglas. We’re not related, although we spent a chunk of childhood telling people that we were. (Until she felt guilty for lying to the Bible teacher, and made me tell him that we weren’t actually cousins.) She very recently expressed admiration for my writing. I love it when people love the words that I put together. (Due credit: it was writing other than what appears on this webpage…) You are the Lewis to my Clark, Claire.

Ahem, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Ohhhh look where we’re going this week:

Yes, we lived in the same house.
No, we're not related.

Preliminary thoughts:

- Ok it’s KIND OF cute, to see JP reunited with his daughter…

- Oh, how nice that the girls get to stay in the penthouse of a Lowes, because lemme show you what MY living quarters were like, when I lived in the 305 for four years…
Yes, that's a towel dress, in the upper left-hand corner.
No, I have no regrets... 

- Ohhh Sharmander is UNRAVELING in this interview right now. And the date hasn't even begun... The Bachelor Shrink is getting a raise for this...

- Something, SOMETHING is telling me that this clip of JP saying “I think she could be the one” to his cousin was NOT originally about Sharmander. Are they setting us up for her dramatic exit? Are they??


- How nice that Pollo Loco wants to give the cards to girls himself, how could he possibly foresee the drama that would ensue because NONE OF THEM are capable of masking ANY reactionary facial expressions…

- Sharmander sums up everything ever that JP is lacking, when she tells us that she’s “MISSING A CEREBRAL CONNECTION”

- She only had ten minutes to get ready, yet she still had time to contemplatively reflect on the balcony…

- Is she wearing those earrings that you have to screw into your ears? The kind that my grandmother wore? Don’t ever let a man see you without your earrings screwed in properly. Or without your face on. Rest in peace, relationship of Juan Pablo and Carly Rae…

One On One Date: Sharmander

- Chelsie is stumbling over the word “intellectual” right now… And I am rather surprised that Clare even knows the word “anomaly”…

- Problem: Sharleen has put all of this pressure on herself, to decide TODAY if JP can meet her family… TAKE THE PACK OFF, SHARMANDER. Hasn’t anyone told her that the proposal thing isn’t really all that real? She’s an opera singer. She’s stood onstage and had to shriek/wail about the loss of lovers past, when they’re not actually dead in real life. Why doesn’t she understand how fantasy works?

- OMG SHE NEEDS TO BE DATING AMES. Remember Ames, from Ashley’s season, (yes, the one who had to go to the ER when they were in Tokyo, or wherever, because he got beamed in the face on that boxing group date) who ended up with Jackie, on Bachelor Pad 2? (Ugh. Bachelor Pad. Rest in peace, Blakely and Tony’s relationship/engagement) 


- Baby gurl, the intellectual connection isn’t there. Never gonna be. Props to you for trying to hold out to find it, but it’s not gonna show up. 

- Even her scalp is sunburned. I’m as stressed about these UV rays as Sharmander is about merging her checking account with Pollo Loco’s, tomorrow.

- I keep waiting for Sharleen and Juan Pablo’s kissing to become un-awkward.

….It isn’t. 

- Regardless, I am loving Sharleen’s dress right now. She is the classiest of broads, mental breakdown or no.

- Oh Sharleen has some confusion about life and love. So what does she do? Rooftop Chat with Renee. Rooftop Renee. A Rooftop Rene Nightcap, if you will…

Questions I have:
- Did Sharleen just learn the word “chemistry”? Because she has used it NINETY FIVE times tonight. At least she’s better at integrating new words than BabyChels…

Memorable Quotes:
- “It is so hard to not kiss him, when I am close to him… that it’s disturbing.” BOOM. #NailedIt

- “I wish I was a little dumber… everything would be simpler.” DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK I SAY THIS TO MY PARENTS?

One on One Date: Nikki

- Ah, and as soon as Chelsie hears that her name is NOT read on the date card… she knows she’s going home. At least she learned a new word on her international travels! Repeat after me, BabyChels, “in-tell-ec-chu-ul." Go home and show Mom and Dad that you learned something!!

- OMG OMG CARLA IS GOING TO BE THERE, AT THE DANCE RECITAL. HIS EX! CAMILA’S MOTHER! Did this just turn into Flavor of Love?! (Or Sister Wives, perhaps?)
(*Update: when I have doubts and questions about my life, I turn to Jesus. When I have doubts and questions about this show, I turn to Chris Harrison's blog... APPARENTLY it isn't as big of a deal to meet the fam in Venezuelan culture, which is why they did this, but still... this is a lot.) 

- Glad Camila has baked chips. You fight that obesity, girl. Except when she gave Nikki a kiss at the end of the date (whose idea was that?) Nikki said “You taste like Cheetos!” Baked Cheetos, Nikita.

- I just… I don’t hate Nikki. I don’t hate her at all. I keep waiting for the moment when I’m filled with repulsion at the sight of her, and it just… isn’t happening.

- Its ok Nikki, what JP and Carla have is natural. You should feel comfortable. At the rate they’ve been going, with the besos all around today, I can only surmise that JP is meaning that he, Nikita, Carla and Camila will all be sharing a communal bed and it will be natural….

- Please don’t walk around that stadium barefoot, Nikita. Please just don’t.

- He is so very sweaty, as they walk around the stadium, right now. I feel you, JP. I feel you.

Questions I have:

- Ok wait… am I the only one who was thinking THIS, when they cut to Carla (his ex) watching the recital?

- Can we talk about how this date would have gone if Sharleen had been on it? Meeting the parents and the ex-wife? 
It would have looked like THIS... 

- Where were the rest of Nikki’s shorts, during the recital, and where is the rest of her dress, at the baseball diamond, right now?

Memorable Quotes:
Nikki: where’s your office?
JP: Heeere! Taaa Daaa!
Grace: It’s because he doesn’t have a real job!

JP: “Nikki is thinking. I like it when she is thinking…”
 Grace: …Do you though, JP? You seem to have a hard time with women who... have thoughts.

Sharleen’s Graceful Exit

- Psh, the swirling piano music is no big, at this point, while Sharmander is walking to JP’s room. They started playing it during the Rooftop Renee Nightcap…

- Let’s take a moment to appreciate the look of panic on JP’s face, when he opens the door to see a dolled-up Sharmander. He’s thrilled at the prospect of some besos with Sharleen, but a torrent of slut-shaming memories comes down on him like a Miami rainfall, and he has to reign in his excitement…

- WHY IS SHE WHISPERING RIGHT NOW!?!? The mic is still on, Sharmander. And her whispering isn’t the kind of volume that one uses when they can’t muster up the emotional courage to speak at full volume, she seems genuinely convinced that she can speak at a level that is undetectable to Bachelor Intern Jacob… She has clearly underestimated the kind of whispering that Jake has had to interpret from both his girlfriend Kayla AND his sister Layla… #subtitles

- Sharleen is literally the real-est human that has ever been on this show. She’s too painfully real to even exist on reality TV and I just can't even HANDLE it...

- I need JP to stop pawing her face and sculpting her nose. STOOOOP. Why are they so weird? What is haaaappeningggg

- Well if you have to make an exit… She certainly chose a nice outfit…

- Ohhh and we’re cueing up the soulful guitar strains, for JP’s interview, post-Sharmander-exit…

Group Date: Andi, Clare, Rene and BabyChelsie:

- I’m surprised that Clare hasn’t chewed off JP’s arm, for holding Andi’s hand on the plane right now…

- Aww look: Chelsie’s parents wrote her a collection of letters, because she’s still a scared 9 year old, heading off to sleep-away camp…

- Clearly Andi is in DESPERATE need of Rooftop Rene Nightcap, as we see her come unglued on the beach with JP right now…

- Ohhhh the Deceased Daddy DVD… Here it comes… I WILL say this: at least Clare is GREAT at fighting tears and not crying. That just might be the only thing she has going for her...

-  Aaaand there’s a Latin Drake on the stage of this club where Andi and JP are... Bienvenidos a Meeeeeami

Memorable Quotes:
Andi: How do you calm me down so much?

Clare: I would love it if Juan Pablo would be the man to watch that video…
Grace: I wouldn't.

Nikki on Clare: “She didn’t get crazy all on her own; it had to come from somewhere.”
Aaaaand I think we're done here...

Questions I have:
- Wait… has Andi been sedated? SHE IS A DRONE, RIGHT NOW. A giddy, smiling... drone.

- Double-wait… Rene was on this date?

Way to plant, Ann

- Ok ok here we go, I figured out why Andi is a drone... Rose Byrne, aka Clare, slipped Andi a pain killer before the three shots that she took… that’s why we’re seeing a different side of Andi… 

I'm ready to paaaaaarty!

- Waaaaaait. Nikki and Clare. This fight. This FIGHT. What is going onnnn???

1) Lovingggg how Nikki tried to give Clare an easy out by telling her she could “excuse yourself from my room” and Clare took the route of a NINE YEAR OLD by attempting to prove that it was a common space…


3) I'm going to say it: have we been played? Is this all a ruse? Because if Clare and Nikki  hate each other so much, WHY didn't they go on a two-on-one date? WHY? Clearly Jacob was too busy attending AA meetings, no thanks to a little habit he developed from spending too much time with Hare, to schedule a two-on-one... 


Rose Ceremony: 

- Ohhhh the editors had some FUN with this scene. FIFTY FOUR. That is the number of seconds of silence that we just sat through, between Nikita and Clare. I will say this: interesting to note that neither woman (from what we've seen) has tried to rope JP into this drama, which seems like it would be the high road, but can we credit any of these women with taking a high road? 

- JP sums it all up perfectly with his less-than-verbose exit: “Mr. Chris, I’m gonna… try to think…”

-Why didn't we have a sit-down with Hare, this week? Or for that matter, why didn't JP get a Rooftop Rene Nightcap? That would have solved so many problems... 

- Oh my word… the tears have already started before the limo ride of shame… From both parties… Oy vey... 

And what kind of editing have they cooked up, for this two night event next week? Please tell me he calls one of the women "Carla" by accident... Can't wait.

Verbal Faux Pas:

Shocking no one, El Pollo Loco was our biggest contender this week, with two (that I happened to be tuned in for, anyway) to Sharleen, he said: "I’m not gonna take anything against, or not, cause I like honesty…”
...I didn't know you could take something against someone... Pollo Loco. what a fount of prepositional wisdom... 
- At some point, he said to Nikita: “Be yourself, hanging out and family and that’s it.” 
...I don't even know where to begin. Is this a disagreement of sentence types? As in, a declarative and an imperative thought in the same sentence? Verb disagreement? I just... THERE'S DISAGREEMENT. (Grammatical, spiritual, physical, emotional... etc)

- During her beach breakdown, Andi remarked, “I have a tough shell.” 
Oh dear. 
I hope she's never used that line in court. The only appropriate coating that may follow "tough" would be "exterior." I do believe she was looking for "hard shell" or "thick skin," but one's shell is never tough. Common mistake, Andes Mints. We won't hold it against you. I'm sure Stephanie Meyer and E.L. James write about tough shells, everywhere...

- Ah, Clare tells us about the whereabouts of the Deceased Daddy DVD: “He put it in the bank vault."
Newsflash, Clare: the term is "safety deposit box." You're welcome. 

And finally... I only see fit to close with this summary of my feelings about last night:

(If you're unfamiliar, do yourself a favor and google "West Wing CJ Coatsworth Hay")

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