MAY KRYSTAL FIND THE PEACE THAT SHE *THINKS* SHE HAS

Just a few quick housekeeping notes:
- Grammys, anyone? Yeah, me neither. Ok well the one performance I DID watch was P!nk because she is kind of all that has mattered, ever. I mean, Kelly Clarkson is obviously my #1, but I couldn't LIVE without Pink. Her song "You Get My Love" was, in my very humble opinion, the most powerful song of 2017.
- Oh and also the performance of Blue Ivy Carter. The clip of her telling her parents to shush was my most favorite thing since Jake Tapper told Stephen Miller to "settle down" on live TV a few weeks ago.
- Anyone else following the impending arrival of Day One in Cape Town and losing major sleep? Cause call me Chicken Little but I'm pretty sure the sky is falling down. (I'm actually not joking. I'm super stressed about it.)
- Whenever I get stressed about it, I look at this photo of Justin Trudeau holding baby pandas to ease the pain. You're welcome:

So this week we are in the romantic, luxury destination of… FORT LAUDERDALE.

All I used to know about Ft. Lauderdale was that the family we carpooled with went down there every year for spring break. And then I lived near there for a solid four years. Special thanks to Gran, Big Daddy, and Donna Shalala for those years. And many others. Who are literally too numerous to mention.

Mr. 305

I 🍩 care about the go pro cameras on these girl’s bikes right now.

Actually, you know what? Ft. Lauderdale is a great idea. Because that penthouse at The W was probably cheap AF. And honestly the beach pretty much anywhere is nice to look at. (Unless it’s the Hurricane Sandy Ravaged beach in New Jersey – do you guys remember when Dez and that one guy went on the date where they basically got in a helicopter and looked at all the wreckage? It was that guy who cried later. Wasn't his name James?)

RIP, James

So one of my favorite producers (WHO WORKED ON ANDY BALDWIN'S SEASON) texted me from the Chicago airport saying, ‘Damn you, the Bachelor is on in the airport lounge and now I can't look away WHY AM I WATCHING THIS?!”

I quickly had to translate the girls for her. She told me she was watching “crazy girl,” “girl who thinks she’s better than everyone” and “short haired girl” And I immediately filled in for her:“That would be Krystal, Chelsea and Bekah, respectively.” 

She then asked what the heck the Bachelor Winter Games were and I told her that her guess was as good as mine.

(And yes, the first time she revealed to me that she had worked on that season of the show, all at once I sputtered, "You mean the season where Andy took Tessa and Peyton on the 2 on 1 and left Peyton on an aircraft carrier after he dumped her but true love is real because Peyton ended up marrying Christ Lambton, who was the runner up on Ali Fedotowsky's season, even after Peyton had that really awkward date on Bachelor Pad with Jesse Beck who was also on Ali Fedotowsky's season?!" And yes, she DID give me a very long look when I asked that, but has come to appreciate my passion for the show...) 

Ok ok. Back to Bland Man.

This blonde basic Betty named Lauren is JUST the worst. I am so irritated that they keep giving us sound bites from her because she could NOT be more dull. Ohhhhh but she was REAL excited to see Maquel, who joined us again, just now. How come everyone is whining about Bekah's age but not batting an eye over Maquel being only ONE YEAR OLDER?! 

One on One: Chelsea

Blah blah blah, they go on a boat in the ocean and make out...

I WANNA KINDLE MY BOYFRIEND

Chelsea and Arie are LEGITIMATELY every single Bachelor date couple that has EVER lived. The dreamboat puns, the “I’m so grateful," the let's-rehash-this-date-to-each-other-and-everything-we-have-liked-about-it-so-far-even-though-it's-only-been-fifteen-minutes," all of it.

The producers are REALLY enjoying parading these one one ones in front of the other girls this season. Lauren and Maquel very quickly lose interest in watching the date on the water from the hotel balcony but Marikh is like:

Gotta get the hot goss

I RELATE TO YOU, MARIKH.

I mean, if I got the invite to the car museum, I guess I’d act as animated and interested as Chelsea is, but unless there’s a 75 year old tour guide named Earl to provide the trivial information about cars, I 🍩 care and cannot be bothered.

What is the squiggle tattoo on Chelsea’s hand? Are we ever going to find out?

Chelsea’s dinner speech is SUPER planned and prepared and Arie is LAPPING 👏 IT 👏 UP 👏. 

Meanwhile I honestly can NOT stop thinking about how Bekah observed that Arie is drawn to single mothers because of how much they NEED him. 

Chelsea is too groomed. She's too polished and I don't believe a word of what she is saying to Arie to convince him to give her the rose right now. And she's DOUBLY good at being able to tell people what they want to hear in order to get what she wants because HI HELLO: that is ALL that you do as a parent! You convince your child a) to do things and b) get them to think it was their idea! They left the Car Maze and wandered into a private concert that Erica and Madison were convinced was JoJo Fletcher, but we heard Chelsea tell us it was some act called "Tenille Arts" and I can GUARANTEE YOU that it took her more than one take to get THAT name right. 

We had a nice interlude during the commercial break to plan Boozer's wedding processional, because even though she isn't even planning a wedding, these things are CRUCIAL. I can't even remember how we got on the topic, but suddenly I was telling everyone how it's on my friend Danny's bucket list to convince one of his sisters to walk down the aisle to "At the Beginning" from Anastasia. And then we found an instrumental version and the rest is history:
Do Yourself A Favor and Give This A Listen

Group Date: 

Maquel, Krystal, Bekah, Becca, Jenna, Sienne, Kendall, Ashely Marikh, Jacqueline, Lauren B

Waaaaaaaait. WHY did we just watch Arie lick that bowling ball?!?!?! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! DOES HE KNOW HOW BAD FLU SEASON IS RIGHT NOW?! WHY DID WE JUST WATCH HIM DO THAT I AM SO INCENSED THAT I CAN'T EVEN USE PROPER PUNCTUATION WHY DID WE JUST SEE THAT?!!??!?!

I'm trying to think of a) the amount of money you'd have to pay me to do that or b) the kind of sanitizing it would have to go through in order for me to do that. I would literally have to watch it sit in boiling water for no less than seven days straight. Have I already talked about the time I had to kiss a desk phone in college? I played this kooky principal in a Christopher Durang show (think: Jane Lynch on Glee) and I had to abruptly start macking on the phone during one scene... Every night - EVERY NIGHT backstage before the show, I would spray the whole thing down with rubbing alcohol and then put hand sanitizer on it. The prop guys thought I was crazy.


...I don't know why I pulled a yappy Lauren S. on the vineyard date and told you all that unnecessary information just now I GUESS I'M JUST TRAUMATIZED BY THE FACT THAT WE SAW HIM DO THAT!! 

(Quick update: I can't find a photo from the actual show, but I wore this hideous blonde wig so I had my hair up in pin curls every night. My roommate snapped a photo of the aftermath one day)

Yes that IS a flip phone. It was 1000 ago. When Arie was on Emily's season... 

Ok ok. I'm coming back down from my hysteria. So we see the girls get divided up into teams... Winner gets to go to the after party, we've totally seen this trope before...

They get divided up into teams… Krystal asks that her dogs guide them success. After they win, she is holding a trophy from 1963 as she flaunts her victory. And she makes a weird, weird toast about lifting people up and it’s just weird. Obviously the losing team is moping but in a move that surprises NO ONE, Arie invites them to the after party and Bekah runs to hug him LIKE HE IS HER DAD. 

KRYSTAL: Why did he change his mind?
BOOZER: Because he saw who was on the blue team and didn't wanna be stuck with you for the whole night!

Apparently Krystal got heated in the van on the way back to the hotel, HOW I WISH we had seen it, but we CERTAINLY heard about it. 

Honestly I really didn't take many notes about Krystal's subsequent interactions because I was so glued to the TV. Kendall is quite the vicious opponent in this instance because she is a) VERY articulate and b) calm AF. Bekah wisely pointed out that Krystal would have had NO problem with the arrangement if she'd been on the losing team and OH ARIE IS GOING TO CHECK ON KRYSTAL RIGHT NOW. He's playing right into her hand! 

I had my hands on my face in mortification during this whole exchange. Arie is clearly NOT at ALL interested in Krystal's antics, and he tells her to stay in the room. She proceeded to stay and mope, then get dressed and go down, and then go back upstairs, allegedly without seeing Arie. Meanwhile Kendall continues to CRUSH it. She pulled him aside and (as far as we can see) didn’t even talk about Krystal.

While Krystal briefly joined the circus down in the lobby, Lauren asks what her genuine feeling towards Arie is… which is the most legitimate thing Lauren has ever said. It's a stupid question, but coming from Lauren it seems kind of thoughtful. Which is obviously indicative of how NOT thoughtful she has been up until this point.

Lauren then goes downstairs with Arie and wants to play… 21 Questions… And she proceeds to play a game that is… not 21 questions. At this point, Carolyn got home and I said "Hey Caro, we're gonna play 21 Questions, ok? If I say that we're gonna play that game, what's the first thing you ask?"

CAROLYN: Is it a person? 

GRACE: Exactly. You would not proceed to ask me "What's your favorite color?" 

Lauren asked Arie what his favorite color was. And when he returned the question to her, this was her reply:

She's in a glass case of emotion

I will take this time to mention... my answer to how I like my eggs in the morning is... cooked for me. Straight up. I will eat any style of eggs you put in front of me, as long as I don't have to cook them. I reserve hard labor for after 3 PM.

Arie gives the rose to Lauren… Ashley and Marikh have had NO screen time with him, and who even is Jacqueline, at this point?

One on One: Tia

Arie and Tia are going airboating in the Everglades because... Arie apparently thinks that everything he does with Tia has to be "country?" How utterly detached and condescending. 

Ok speaking of gators… did you guys see that an alligator battled a python at a golf course in Naples about two weeks ago? AND NOBODY BOTHERED TO FIND OUT THE OUTCOME?! News outlets were just like "A gator and a python were fighting at a golf course, y'all!" and didn't bother to mention the victor...

NOT TODAY, SATAN.

Side note: that was the actual photo that the dude captured that was on the news, but I went down a STRANGE rabbit hole just now, trying to find that photo for you guys. Google "Python Gator" ONLY IF YOU DARE. 

Arie had the audacity to compare alligators to... finding love. And honestly I don't know what is more offensive at this point: that tepid and desperate comparison, or Arie licking the bowling ball... 

So they get to a house in the Everglades and we find out that Tia really loves Gerald and his fried frog legs…

CAROLYN: You know who else would love Gerald?
GRACE and CAROLYN: Johnny Langan 

Honestly if we could set Gerald up with Jane Fellows from the Culver Hotel on the JoJo and James Taylor date, I feel like true love could be real again...

Seriously why didn’t they jet down to Miami? They wouldn’t even have to take a jet, it’s 45 minutes away! What is the travel budget this season?

After Frog Legs with Gerald, Tia and Arie enjoy an "old nautical antique place," (no really, that's what Arie called it) and Tia is wearing the SHORTEST possible dress known to man. 

At this point Carolyn pointed out that Tia is preeeetty much a brunette Emily, and nobody in the Living Room Peanut Gallery disagrees with her. They certainly sound the same.

I love that we GLOSSED over the fact that Tia went to college for seven years. And I was SOOOOO ready to make this joke:

...but then we found out that Tia got her doctorate. Seriously, you go girl! 

This is a really weird and vague conversation about faith. Definitely one that isn't often had onscreen, but they're showing it to us right now, for whatever reason...

TIA I’m falling in love with you
ARIE: You are? Look at me when you say it.

Arie just pulled a Demi Lovato and demanded that she "tell me you love me," and I guess we're all just gonna let it happen... 

I mean, Tia has talked to Arie for a total of how long, six hours? MAYBE?! And she says she's already falling in love with him??

But you know what I JUST realized? Part of the reason why it's so easy for these women to "fall in love" SO. QUICKLY. on this show is that (stay with me, here) they know the guy they're dating is "ready" to commit. Think about it: in real life, you know whether or not you LIKE someone pretty quickly... but it takes a while to decide if you want to really pursue them and fall in love... PARTIALLY because you're not sure IF THEY WANT TO DATE YOU. Think about the questions we ask ourselves: Well, do they like me back? Do they like me AS MUCH? Do they have strong enough feelings for me to make this a serious thing? Are they ready for actual commitment? But in this instance, ALL OF THAT IS KNOWN. We know (allegedly) that Arie is ready for marriage. So all that's left to really do is just decide whether or not there is chemistry. And if there is, then it's all systems go. If there is chemistry + he's already ready for marriage = you can fall in love! TELL HIM YOU'RE FALLING IN LOVE, TIA! 

....did that make any sense? Not quite sure if my logic came full circle, there, but I know you guys will let me know... 

Cocktail Party:

Let's just start off with some quotes from Kyrstal: "I wasn’t hiding in my room, I was investing in myself. The struggle that happened… I was discovering." 

To say that Krystal sounds like she's constantly reading from a self-help book is the biggest understatement of the century... She proceeds to make a speech to the women about I-don't-even-know-what, finding your inner light, or SOMETHING. 

MADISON: Is it really a group of women on The Bachelor if Krystal isn’t making a toast?

Meanwhile Kendall pulls Arie aside and continues to slay the game. Honestly I love that Kendall has a book of 100 questions. I have a long list of questions to ask Jim Comey when I meet him. No plans to meet him yet but one day I will and I want to be ready. 

YOU GUYS KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE COMEY

Would you guys eat another human? Honestly I think I'm probably too polite and codependent to say no. If it were a tribe and that was their culture, I'd probably feel like it would be extremely rude not to, and I'd probably find myself eating human, but as long as you start with the fork on the outside and work your way in, you'll be a perfectly acceptable dinner guest... 

Krystal decides to tell the girls that if they have a problem with her, they can pull her aside and talk to her. Our girl goes first:

KENDALL: I’ll talk to you, Krystal
BOOZER: Pick a number, and I’ll ask you a question.

At some point in her discussion with the ladies, Krystal mentions: “extreme pain bodies were triggered when Arie went back on his word..." 

MARIKH: she’s manipulating us and him.
CAROLYN: No she’s not, she’s just crazy 

Krystal pulls Arie aside and tries to tell him that she was... triggered by the day's events because she... grew up in a... bowling alley? I would genuinely believe her MORE if she said she grew up as a "street rat." I think her mom took her to a bowling alley ONE time and so she felt justified in telling Arie that she'd grown up in one. Later Krystal tells the camera that she's invested in the relationship, throws out some jazz hands and says "that was glitter." I have no idea what show we are even watching anymore, but I am here for ALL of it.

Roses went to:
Bekah, Sienne, Kendall, Becca, Jacqueline, Jenna, aaaaaand Krystal 

I can't believe he kept her around for a whole 'nother week but I'm obviously thrilled. 

NEXT WEEK:

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

WHATEVER I SAY; IT'S GONNA BE PERFECT

Hi just some quick, unrelated pop culture updates, here:

- If you haven’t started the podcast “Slow Burn” stop what you’re doing and listen. It is the latest and greatest. It’s about Watergate and the episodes are only about 25 minutes long. It will make you realize that the political climate right now isn’t necessarily uncharted territory for the US Government. (read: you’ll sleep better at night, after you hear how crazy things were in the 70s)

- SHOUT OUT TO MAH GURL MARIELLE WAKIM and her deep dive on the illustrious Instagram career of Becca Tilley:
http://www.lamag.com/culturefiles/heres-former-bachelor-contestant-will-make-1-million-year/

- Anybody else see Pete Souza’s book about the Obama years? It doesn’t matter WHAT you think of his time as president, the photojournalism is JUST. REMARKABLE. and everyone should see it if you get a chance. (Also if you don't wanna buy it, hi there's this thing called the library - 10/10 would recommend it)

OK SO. Back to business: 

The girls have started out with a very intense and philosophical discussion of… Bekah’s age. The producer's have clearly tripped over their own feet, trying to get them to talk about this because it was kind of the ONLY thing discussed on this entire episode. 

You guys remember when SNL's Bachelor sketch was "Bland Man?"  Honestly I'm kind of shooketh, now that I think about it, because it was basically a prophecy of this season... 

Incredible, Awesome, Amazing Fairytale

IT WASN'T A PARODY OF MY ONE TRUE LOVE BEN HIGGINS, SHUT UP, JOHNNY. 

Anyway, upon arriving in Lake Tahoe, Bland Man tells us: “I love things like hiking… being outside… and sharing that with a girl this week is exciting”

I'm sure Lake Tahoe is nice. But Bland Man is not. 

Oh I LOVE how they got the taxidermy for Kendall in this Tahoe Log Cabin. That is so special. Bring out the crazy.

One on One:  Sienne

When he comes to the house to pick up Sienne, Bland Man tries to tell the women that this whole week is "uncharted territory" and a “new thing” for him because he’s… 

....never been to Lake Tahoe before. That is actually what he said.

He and Sienne proceed to zip off and go parasailing while the other girls try and squint at them through binoculars, looking off in very specific directions that have been fed to them by the producers. 

GOOD ONE, PRODUCERS.

Can’t decide if Arie and Sienne have chemistry or not. They look really pretty together, I know that much.

BOOZER: They’re very Gap or LLBean ad, together.

ARIE: “And I thought... I need to find a way to give this girl a date” OH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR KINDNESS, you prince charming, you! 

This is honestly weird that they are filming Maquel learning about her grandfather passing away… Usually they’d just be like “Hey Maquel, can we get a shot of you answering the phone?” and then cut to her ITM where she’s like, “I got a phone call…” But no, they voyeuristically filmed the whole thing. I'm not here to talk about how close Maquel was or was not with her grandfather, but I HAVE noticed a trend that if you get important news, the choice to stay basically depends on what you think your chances are. See: Carly MISSING HER BROTHER'S WEDDING to stay in Paradise with Kirk literally just HOURS before he broke her heart. (But thank God for Evan because TRUE LOVE IS REAL AMIRITE) 

How romantic that Sienne and Arie get to trek through this... Tahoe Hard Rock Café right now… ABC's The Bacehlor, sponsored by Hard Rock! #Ad #Spon

GRACE: Sienne is too cerebral and articulate for him.

BOOZE: He’ll give her the rose because he knows she’s the kind of girl he SHOULD be with.

Aaaaand Bland Man proved Boozer right. He did give her the rose. And she is already in the Friend Zone.

Tahoe Group Date: 

Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Laruen, Brittany, Caroline

Honestly I'm loving that they get a Green Beret to lead this date. This time last year we were listening to a farmer who had never addressed a group of more than three people, much less Corinne Olympios. My military expertise is pretty limited, but I FEEEEEEL like a Green Beret will be pretty good about calling people into action. He tells them to drink their own pee and eat worms. 

Before the girls could decide not to drink their pee, the living room peanut gallery had a fierce debate about whether or not you can drink your own urine. Cause I’m pretty sure you can’t. I mean… It’s sterile, but isn’t it all of your contaminants? Update: It was apple juice. Also just another quick note about survival hydration - you know how you aren't supposed to drink ocean water cause the salt will cause you to get dehydrated? Well I didn't know that til I was in fourth grade and saw a little film called The Voyage of the Mimi, in which THIS guy had a substantial role: 

Holy Bowlcut Batman... 

(Honestly even though I think he must somehow be GROSSLY INEPT for deciding to be NOT MARRIED to one of my personal idols, that is absolutely what I would say to Ben Affleck if I met him tomorrow. But maybe that's a line he gets a lot: "Hey, you taught me that I couldn't drink ocean water!" I'll let you guys know if I ever run into him) 

MOVING ON: 
Can we just acknowledge that snow is fun for THREE SECONDS and then it’s the WORST?? And I’ve spent VERY limited time in snow. It's snowing as these girls start out on some kind of made up map trek to a hot tub and it looks MIZ...

Krystal is self-destructing before our very eyes. She is already talking about her relationship with Arie being tested on this date, and the casting directors are all high five-ing that they found this girl who would play straight into their hands. Arie put his arm around Krystal in the hot tub and Tia and Caroline made jokes because part of appearing attractive to someone is showing you can roll with the punches and make light of a situation (even though polygamy shouldn't be something of which we are making light?) so they obviously joke about it. And apparently Krystal has never witnessed humans make jokes before because she is DEVASTATED by said joke.

Arie immediately wants to talk to Lauren after the hot tub and the only thing I can think about Lauren is that she was the one that got the setup that Bibiana arranged, back at the mansion. Bland Man told Lauren he had a surprise planned for her and it was... a fire. Is the surprise that the fire was there? In the middle of Lake Tahoe in the winter time? Is the surprise that he started the fire himself? AMERICA WANTS ANSWERS, BLAND MAN.

ARIE: I wanna be with an independent woman.
LAUREN: I want to be a dirty old grandma that is still slapping grandpa on the butt. 

GRACE: I just want cookies, tbh...

Arie sits down with Kendall and- ok HOW does one travel with a taxidermy? Do you check it or carry it on? How do you package it so it travels safely? Could you carry it in a pet carrier? Kendall is such an odd duck, (no pun intended) but she and Arie have great chemistry so I will 100% allow it.

Chelsea throwing shade to Krystal in her ITM is SO Courtney Robertson… (But her impression was pretty good, so I'm not even mad...)

I can’t believe that Caroline is 26. She looks at least 30. Not in a bad way, but just... way older. I feel like she's going to be a dark horse. Keep an eye out for her.

OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE KRYSTAL WITH THE DRAMATIC WHISPER AND WATERY EYES AT BLAND MAN RIGHT NOW I AM SO ABSOLUTELY SLAIN

OMG NOW SHE IS PULLING ASIDE TIA AND CAROLINE I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. 

Krystal, Tia and Caroline are pretty drunk at this point, but Tia is spitting some TRUTH at Krystal right now and I am HERE for it. Tia is easily winning this argument because she's being SPECIFIC, when airing her grievances with Krystal. And that goes so much father than a whiny "you give me a bad vibe."

A still-drunk Tia goes to talk to Arie and ends up crying and telling him that she is... scared by her feelings for him? I mean, I'm not mad but like... huh? Whatever. She gets a rose. After Bland Shakespeare Man tells the women: “Today was amazing but tonight was important” 

Krystal tells the camera: "Honestly it is confusing to me as to why Tia would get the rose when I'm showing Arie my colors..." SERIOUSLY SHE is everything my TV dreams are made of. She is SUCH A PIECE OF WORK!! 

The next morning, Krystal tells Chelsea and Sienne that a) she’s flawless and b) she overcame challenges. That is what she said. That isn't some kind of hyperbolic exaggeration, she legit said those things.

One on One: Young Bekah 

Bekah *runs through the trees toward Arie*

BOOZER: Who is that little boy running to meet Arie?

Kendall and Jacqueline talk about how they think Bekah is too young.

LITERALLY

Wait... 
Wait, you guys Arie is such a pleasant version of himself with Bekah. I’m kind of astonished. WHERE HAS THIS PERSON BEEN? He is chatty Kathy with her, oh my WORD! 

Meanwhile back at the Tahoe Log Cabin, Chelsea and a very drunk Caroline are STILL talking about how young Bekah is. 

Arie asked if Bekah would be ready to settle down if it was the right time and the right person. She turns the question on his head and asks him “Well how could I know if it's never happened?” (well spoiler alert maybe it's never happened because you’re 12, but still a nice response that requires some thinking from him...)

The rate at which Arie is freaking out right now upon finding out her age is indicative that he thought Young Bekah was gonna go VERY far.

Quick body language note: Bekah is talking about how it's for her to marry young because most of her family married young... her hand is almost completely covering her mouth. Which means she is already uncomfortable with what she's saying... But Arie is a totally and completely different person with her!! This is kind of insane! Goodbye, Bland Man, hello Human! He picks up the rose and tells her “I feel like this could be the beginning of something amazing” Which is fine and good but also EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID TO SIENNE. Aaaaand then he proceeded to put his fingers THOUGH her earring hoop. I think we're done, here.

Rose Ceremony: 

While they wait for Hare to summon them, Krystal tries to go out on a limb and says to the girls: "This is the most nervous I’ve velt before a rose ceremony, anyone else?

*Crickets*

KENDALL: “It's like Krystal is saying things that a public speaker told her to say. Or something she read in a book." I like Kendall more and more. 

Hare tells them that the cocktail party has been cancelled and in NO uncertain terms does he tell Arie how they took the news:  “To say they were shocked and dismayed is an understatement”

Roses go to:
Wait wait, Krystal has to pull him aside. 

I love that Krystal is whispering, in all these interactions with him. Does she think the mics can't pick her up? Or that the other girls would hear her and get jealous? I love that she tells him "I respect your decision..." even though she COMPLETELY disregarded his decision to cancel the cocktail party..

ROSES GO TO:
Lauren, Kendall, WHERE IS KENDALL’S DUCK? Ashely, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, props to Boozer for pointing out that this is EXACTLY what Jenna did to Marikh when she went to get the rose: 

GIMME THAT ROSE

 Jacqueline (really?), Marikh… Wait he’s sending Caroline home?! Caroline was the most obvious choice for him, dude! How does Arie not see this??

He let Caroline go! That choice wasn't thought through, dude.  I bet she'll pull a Jen S. from Ben's season and come back and crush it on Bachelor in Paradise...

Did you notice who I was impersonating with my overuse of dude, just now? 

UH HUH. 

Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...

STOP BEING SO CONDESCENDING BECAUSE YOU MET HIS DOG

Yeah ok just some quick housekeeping updates:

You guys seen Peaky Blinders, yet? Because I am in the middle of season three and I am UNDONE.

Tommy Shelby could slice me with his blade and I would thank him for his time. Y'all holler if you've seen it because I need someone who understands what I'm going through right now. 

Seriously without remedy, over here... 

I guess I should mention that as I type this, I'm using our WiFi network that is titled "TheFinalRoseTonight," just in case ANYONE ever doubted my fandom for this show. 

FINALLY: if anyone watching the show in California ever sees that weather guy on ABC, Jonathan, announcing what weather is upcoming... IT'S THE WEATHERMAN FROM ALI FEDOTOWSKY'S SEASON: 

True story.

And honestly he gets more TV time than anyone else in this entire franchise, so bully for him. 

Also anyone who listens to Valentine in the Morning on 104.3 MyFM would tell you that Ali Fedotowsky is pregnant because she is married to Kevin Manno, one of the co-hosts of that morning show. 

And I've already talked about how Graham Bunn hosts "Graham in the Morning" on GoCountry 105.1...

Basically what I'm trying to say is that every time I get in my car I'm met with the incestuous Bachelor Franchise and I LOVE IT. 

Also still haven't consolidated my thoughts about Sarah Hyland dating Wells Adams, but that's neither here nor there. 

MOVING ON, SORRY WE GOT OFF TRACK:

We open with Hare coming to tell the women that not everyone gets to go on a date. And apparently none of the women have ever seen this show because they are somehow VERY surprised by this. (Although it's not like Bekah would have seen the show before because she was LITERALLY A FETUS when Emily's season was on...)

So my friend Erica Boozer came over bearing, among other things, those cookie brownie bars from Dominos and I'd gotten up off the couch to fetch one when they started reading the group date card, so I bounded back over to my computer to get the names down. I present to you, without editing, the names I recorded:

Mackel jacklen lauren I TRia Marik Beeca bibana krystal

I think my favorite is "TRia." You're welcome. 

So it's gonna be a wrestling date. I'm already bored. Also I am sick of watching these women in physically compromising situations. I'm seriously so surprised that there haven't been 293847 ambulance trips this season.

Chris Harrison "introduces" Arie to the "Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor" and I did NOT need to know how much Arie weighs. Also why on EARTH are we calling him the Kissing Bandit? Do they have a deal with Courtney Robertson's book publisher? "Kissing Bandit" was seriously the best wrestling persona that was on their list? (Did I tell you guys how I read her book? Don't worry, I checked it out from the library so I wouldn't have to actually pay for it.) I honestly expected more than "Kissing Bandit" from the producers and editors that brought us THREE different flashbacks to Analiese's traumatic dog experiences. More on that later.


Two former women wrestlers come out and Boozer and I agree that  time has been a lot kinder to the “Little Egypt” one than to “Farmer’s Daughter," mercy.

BOOZER: Why isn’t Arie in workout clothes like the girls? He looks like a waiter right now.

Bibiana and Tia are literally crying in the corner… I mean, sure, Little Egypt’s comment about Bibi's mother was pretty off-color for 2018, but HI THIS IS A TV SHOW BIBIANA HELLO. 

#PollysPearlsOfWisdom

I wish that Annaliese was on this date to recall a traumatic wrestling experience, honestly. (Spoiler alert: I got more than I bargained for) OkbutseriouslyWHY is Farmer’s Daughter wearing no makeup? I mean, I’m here for it, (see: Frances McDormand at the Golden Globes) but like… Farmer’s Daughter, at least get some moisturizer or SOMETHING

I’m v concerned by the poor age lines on Maquel’s Lunch Lady face, but props to her for being committed to that mole and everything.

TIA: It’s so sexy to see Arie fight like that
BOOZER: While he still looks like a waiter?

I don’t even care about what’s happening. They are so deeply uncommitted that it’s just wildly uncomfortable. Was there even a strategy to the rounds of fighting? I guess Tia won, apparently? Who cares.

I don’t even have the words for this exchange between Krystal and Arie at the after party right now. She is accusing the other girls of living in a false reality when like... has she even heard herself speak? Does she know what her voice sounds like?

Bibiana goes in for one-on-one time with Arie and starts with “These group dates are so intense because I’m so respectful of people’s time…” and you know what? I have to give her some points for this. It's very obvious what she's doing, but if she HAD to go there, she picked a pretty diplomatic way to do so...

Arie on this group date is honestly like the nice guy who finishes last that’s in your biology class… The guy that you don’t hate talking to, but you definitely don’t want him to take you to prom. And you know his mom is crazy about you but you don't want him to think that it means you guys are going to date. That’s who I feel like he is, when he’s talking to these girls right now. He’s saying so many generalities that I don’t even know how to deal with him.

Arie asks Bekah what her longest relationship is and there’s NO way she can say anything over six months because she is actually 12… Turns out it’s 2 years, but that very well could have been in her SOPHMORE YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL.

BOOZER: I don’t hate her Rizzo vibe. 

He gives the rose to... who did he even give the rose to? Bekah? THAT'S how zoned out I was. I think he gave it to Bekah.

OMG KRYSTAL TELLING MARIKH THE NEXT MORNING ABOUT HOW GIRLS ARE INSECURE AROUND HER IS THE KIND OF TV THAT I LIVE FOR. “I’ve had to be a provider and work so many hours and I’m a fighter.” WHAT IS SHE EVEN SAYING I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

BOOZER: She’s not even drunk, there is literally no excuse for her behavior. 

She should call herself a stable genius, while we're at it..

One on One: 

Lauren S.

Lauren S has genuinely never been outside before. “This nature is amazing. You can hear the wind rustling through the trees. This is a very Lauren S. date” Seriously, I think she's lived in a cellar her whole life.

Lauren and Arie talk about cardigans for SIXTEEN MINUTES and I have lost the ability to even. 

Actual footage of them

Boozer pointed out that Lauren S is a “social media manager” and Arie said she has a “really great job” so…. Clearly he must have her confused with one of the OTHER six Laurens… I mean, maybe being a social media manager pays well, seriously whaddu I know.

“There is power in problems. I want to talk to you about my family. My mom got an eye infection. Music is such a big part of my life.” Wooooow these editors are RELENTLESS with Lauren S. Here's the thing: Every ten hour 1-on-1 date probably has this level of conversation. I'm sure most of them genuinely do include obscure anecdotes about maternal eye infections... BUT THOSE PARTS ARE NEVER SHOWN. The fact that the producers chose to show this part of the date is, as the millennials would say: SAVAGE AF.

I guess it's semi-reassuring about Lauren S's future that she apparently knows that she's babbling like a brook, cause some self-awareness is always a plus, but ultimately she couldn't stop her yapping in time, because Arie picked up the rose to tell her he was going to... send her home.

They are playing some different violin music as Lauren S. gets in the exit limo... What is this song? I am now on a mission to find out what song it was and I am mortified that I don’t recognize it. Guys, WHAT IS THIS SONG?!

ARIE: Lauren didn’t really open up to me.
BOOZER: she told you about her mom’s eye infection, Arie!

Krystal was WAY too excited to see the PA come take Lauren’s suitcase.

Back off, KrystalBurger

I love how much tolerance Caroline DOES NOT have for Krystal. I certainly find THAT to be entertaining. 

Group Date:

Ashley, Becca K, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese

Annaliese had a traumatic experience with dogs in her childhood ARE YOU KIDDING ME. (but obviously I'm loving this)

Brittany recognizes Arie's dog and calls it by name and I am HERE for her open admission that she's a stalker and knows the name of his dog.

WHOSE KID IS THAT IN THIS TRAUMATIC DOG FLASHBACK I LOVE THIS

So glad Fred Willard is here. He must have been just wondering around at The Grove that day because there's no way that any serious section of Bachelor Nation is familiar with this movie.But these ARE the same producer's who put somebody's godson onstage last week at The Bradbury and thought it was a thing, so... 

Obviously.

Basically we learned that Chelsea is definitively terrible at giving commands to dogs. And Annaliese is questionably skilled at picking up dog crap.

Arie took them to The Reserve and told them it was “an old bank." YOU ARE AN OLD BANK, ARIE.

Chelsea reminds me way too much of Courtney Robertson. She tells Arie, “I’m here to discover myself through someone else." Seriously what does this even mean? She is using her kid as a pawn and I am NOT into it.

AHHHH ANALIESE’S CONVERSATION WITH HIM I AM SLAIN HE ISN'T GOING TO KISS YOU IF YOU HAVE TO ASK YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHY IS THIS HAPPENINGGGG. Someone hold me.

Arie is pretty drunk at this point. Even his teeth are purple. He thinks that Becca is a dork because she hula hoops with her neck. 

"Ohhhh I'm soooo dorkyyyy"

ANNALIESE STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR PALMS BEING SWEATY, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. 

This is all of which I can think... 

Rose Ceremony: 

BOOZER: Krystal’s hair is terrible tonight. It’s like slutty Jasmine.
GRACE: WHEN SHE’S TRYING TO SEDUCE JAFAR!! YOU NAILED IT. 

🔨🔨🔨

Bibiana set up a nice cabana (oh nah nah. Half of my heart is in- NEVERMIND) for some time with Arie and it was usurped by Arie and one of the Laurens... Honestly I felt like I was watching a nightmare version of Serendipity where we never saw the romantic payoff for all the stupid blunders. Seriously - did we even see Bibiana have time with him? After he asked her for more time with Lauren (which she graciously gave him?) I was honestly rooting for Bibiana tonight... 

Meanwhile...

ARIE: I am keeping my guard up with you.
BEKAH: Because you know I don’t need you.
GRACE: Wow she’s good.
ARIE: You’re good.
BEKAH: You always choose people who need you. Maybe that’s why you go for the moms.
GRACE and BOOZE: WOOOOOOOW she nailed it.
ARIE: You nailed it right on the… nailed it.

Arie told Tia that he did something special for her… he got hay bales and some moonshine… 

1) THE 👏 BACHELOR 👏 NEVER 👏 PLANS 👏 SURPRISES 👏. I always think I'm going to be over the fact that main talent gets to take credit for producing and it still gets me every time. Although I will say - remember that one time Sean Lowe brought out Sarah Herron's dog at a cocktail party? THAT, I believe, was a truly genuine gesture. (Or at least, it was Sean saying "hey can we do something special?" Not a producer pulling him aside and saying "Hey we got some hay bales so you could take credit for doing something special.) 

2) Arie thought that... hay bales were romantic? I mean, a plaid blanket and some cricket noises would've done just fine. That poor PA had to schlep to the Westlake Home Depot to pick up this hay... sure hope he wasn't allergic to hay..

Jenna is insane. I don't even know what to say about her. Her kissing was reminiscent of Jamie Otis trying to kiss Ben Flajnik and I 🍩 know how to cope.

I have no words for Annaliese. Truly no words. He gently told her that he wasn't interested in kissing her, and then SOMEHOW Chelsea convinced her to go talk to him AGAIN, as though that would-
OMG CLAIRE DE LUNE. IT WAS DEBUSSEY, WASN’T IT?! The violin music playing during Lauren S's exit. That just came to me. I'm mortified that it took me this long to recognize it. But not as embarrassed as Analiese was when she was turned down by Arie A SECOND TIME and escorted out. I won't miss her nervous laugh.

Roses went to: Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren (is she the only Lauren left?) Brittany, Becca, Sienne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh

Bibana was the only one who didn’t get a rose at this rose ceremony… Which, quite frankly, is kind of embarrassing this early in the game. If Chris Harrison comes out and dismisses you solo, you know it’s bad. Boozer pointed out that she’ll be great with Vinny. I'm SURE we'll see her on BIP. 

I just wanna end this by saying that the song "Broken" by that angry pop guy and the girl from Evanescence is stuck in my head. Honestly whatever happened to Evanescence? Anyone got a twenty on Amy Lee right now? Johnny. Johnny would know. I'll find out and get back to you guys. Until then: if you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

YOU NEED TO CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CHECK ON OTHERS

And we are OFF to the races! (no literally: Arie revs up his motorcycle and is ready to find love) 

Tonight's Living Room Peanut Gallery: Carolyn, Madison, Melanie, and Erica Boozer. Yes that’s her last name, get into it.

Ok well I was sitting to the side of the TV and couldn’t really see for the first two acts because I was… holding our antenna together. It was only working if you held your hand on the right side of it. Nobody worry: I ordered a new one from Amazon for ten bucks. We get lots of channels up in here with an antenna (oh, and in case you’re wondering – you literally have to type in “rabbit ears” when you search for this antenna on Amazon, special thanks to Madison Walker) lots of Christian channels and Korean shopping channels, and ABC, praise be.

When I say that this is actual footage of me... I mean it's ACTUAL footage of me. Please enjoy my Talbot's athleisure shirt that Gran said made me look like an elementary school PE teacher...

LIVING 👏 MY 👏 BEST 👏 LIFE 👏

Becca K got the first one on one and it was the usual Pretty Woman trope and I am SO bored. I am so unmoved by all of this. Like, the shoes… Rachel Zoe… the jewels… Take me to the downtown library and give us a tour of the underground there – THEN I’ll be impressed. Obviously The Bachelor thrives on misogyny... We know this. We are not surprised by this. But I feel like they're really taking it to a whole new level with Arie's "I just want you to feel taken care of..." 

BY THESE DIAMOND EARRINGS? HOW ARE THESE EARRINGS GON' TAKE CARE OF HER?! WHY DON'T YOU FIX HER BRAKES, ARIE?! 

Becca gets a rose. Yawn. 

Krystal Burger got the second one on one date and they go to Scottsdale. She tells us that she’s “as smitten as a kitten.” THE PHRASE IS “I’M A SMITTEN KITTEN”

Important question: Does Arie’s high school have a Starbucks in it? There’s no way it looked like this when Arie was in high school… A THOUSAND YEARS AGO.

This looks like such a cookie cutter house that Arie lives in. His bedroom looks like a college freshman boy’s room after he moves out and his mom throws away half his stuff. Why are we looking through this scrapbook right now? THIS IS SO BORING.

SHE IS GONNA GET SO ATTACHED TO HIM YOU GUYS THIS IS NOT EVEN REAL.

MELANIE: Why is she meeting the parents right now?

GRACE: Because they want her to have an emotional breakdown.

Not only is Krystal going to suffer from MEGA first date syndrome (where she freaks out about their lack of connection in t-four episodes) but because of her rocky family life, she’s gonna get SO attached. This is borderline sociopathic of the producers to set her up on this episode.

Becca is doing the math back at the house about who has been on a date and I don’t blame her. Math is hard. Only TWO girls have been on dates. How many are left? Honestly this was probably the kind of example story problem I wrote in seventh grade when I was watching Bachelor Bob’s season (SHOUTOUT TO KELLY JO BEING ROBBED THAT YEAR)

FINALLY they go to a cool place downtown... The Bradbury Building is awesome... except Arie tells Krystal that it is "vintage." 

NOT TODAY, SATAN

Was this the place that Sean took that girl that he sent home after the Pretty Woman date? Wasn't it another girl named Leslie? Who went on to be an actress? Hold please.

This girl.

Anyone else remember that? Remember how Sean pulled a Mesnick and like, stood on the balcony questioning his life as she walked away? (because he’d sent her home) MISS U, SEANNIE.

May we NEVER forget Sean's Giant Snow Bus

Krystal tells Arie about her family life… She starts crying… Arie tries to put his hand on her hair, as though that will make things better…

KRYSTAL: My life was really hard.

ARIE: I’ve had friends who were sad one time.

And we are treated to a concert by… 

Connor Duermit...

Who has GOT to be the producer’s godson. Maybe he’s had a song released on a Grey’s Anatomy episode, we don’t really know. I’m sure he’ll Instagram about his EP any minute now.

Afterwards, Kyrstal doesn’t want to tell the girls that she met his family. But she really isn’t doing a good job changing the subject, either.

Group Date:

Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annalise, Lauren G, Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Sienna, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, Chelsea

Demolition Derby… This sounds v v unfun. And unsafe.

Quick breaking news update: North Korea is sending athletes to the Olympics. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Are there… Are there no helmets in these cars? Do the doors not work? This sucks. I understand why it was a good idea in the producers’ minds, but how can we even tell the girls apart in these stupid death machines?

Annaliese has had… bumper car trauma. This is not a drill. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! The mask girl was hit by bumper cars. And in some producer’s fever dream, they thought it would be a good idea for us to see a hazy flashback that did NOTHING to further the story. But I’m obviously here for it.

JENNY: We all want one on one time, she just chose to cry to get it.

BOOZER: Well your earrings are from Forever 21, so I stopped listening to you a while ago. 

Brittany is apparently good at this. I am so worn out by these crashing cars. Also their whiplash would be SOMETHING. ELSE. 

Another breaking news update: Alabama just won the championship. Yay sports games!

Brittney isn’t feeling good so she decided not to come to the after party… I wouldn’t feel good if I’d been slammed around in a car for hours, either.

Chelsea immediately pulls Arie aside, tells him about her kid and follows it with, “I hope that’s ok with you” that she has a child… STOP APOLOGIZING, CHELSEA.

Chelsea then decided to tell the girls that she immediately pulled Arie aside because she’s a mom and he needed to know what she gave up for this… And Marikh TOTALLY shut this moment down and I am HERE FOR IT.

Sienne is WAY too schooled and well-traveled for Arie, but he gives her the rose anyway.

Bibiana’s patience has been trialed a lot. Yes, you read that correctly. We even had the closed captions on to confirm this.

Arie think’s its sexy how Bekah… painted her car. His hand is GENUINELY the size of her head. Also have you SEEN this girl’s Instagram? She is 100% NOT a nanny.

WHOAAA ARIE PULLED THE OLD BAIT AND SWITCH WHEN HE GAVE SIENNE THE ROSE.

Good one, Arie

Rose Ceremony:

BRITTANY: I'm saying to myself, "He probably thinks I’m nuts…"
ARIE: So speaking of…
BOOZER: Here’s my nuts!
...he ended up giving her some stupid certificate that a PA printed from their parents' house in Encino.

I’ve decided that Bekah is as cool as I want to be, in my mind… she’s that girl who all the guys are drawn to, and just “isn’t into drama” and you see her at a party and think: If I could JUST be that cool and chill, I could get a guy’s attention… BUT BEKAH LOOKS LIKE SHE IS LEGIT ELEVEN SO THE WHOLE THING IS SUPER WEIRD.

Arie is YAPPING about his dog to Bibiana right now. And I’m not against a good yap session. I was cornered with an awkward guy at work in the kitchen yesterday and I just started YAPPING about the book I’m reading (It’s a mystery novel… that was translated from Dutch… that I grabbed off the “New Releases” shelf at the library cause judging by its cover, it looked good… but I’m now on page 350 of 475 still waiting for it to get going… “Oh, look, my bacon is done in the microwave, bye!”) THE POINT IS: a well-timed yap can fill in some mega gaps. And obviously Arie has some GAPS to fill in with Bibi.

Roses went to: Maquel, Jaqueline, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren, Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B, Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, Bibiana

I love how Jenny just walked by without saying goodbye. And now he’s going after her. Now she’s crying. Her hands are on her hips and his arms are crossed. She pouts that she doesn’t want to “leave her friends.” Arie is talking to her perhaps the way that he should be talking to Bekah. She just told us that she got broken up with for the first time. Girl, bye!

So excited for next week. (and our new pair of rabbit ears will have arrived by then) You guys know how much I love episodes 2 and 3.


If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…

IF YOU CAN FIND LOVE ON DATING APPS YOU CAN FIND IT ON TV

Hi first things first GUYS I WAS A SENIOR IN COLLEGE WHEN THE EMILY MAYNARD SEASON AIRED I AM EXPERIENCING MY AGE IN A WAY THAT I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. 

Send help. 

Several quick questions during this What-Arie-Has-Been-Up-To-For-Five-Years Montage:

1) Why are we not seeing Dolly Parton in this flashback? Does no one remember how Dolly made an appearance?

2) Why are we not talking about how he dated that producer, Cassie? That was a groundbreaking, FOURTH WALL BREAKING moment in Bachelor history, HELLO.

3) Remember how Emily ruined that perfume-making date with Arie cause she wouldn’t let him even do the date because she sent him home?

4) OH I FORGOT ABOUT ARIE’S JOURNAL ON THE AFTER SHOW!!

Honestly looking at him age right now right in front of my very eyes is like seeing Mark Hamill in the new Star Wars franchise. (Which I still haven’t seen, because I refuse to acknowledge my own mortality… whatever)

So the show doesn’t premiere before January 4th, like, EVER, so when I scheduled my flight back to Los Angeles after Christmas, I chose to fly out on New Year’s Day. I had to leave my parent’s house at 7 pm sharp, literally JUST as we were getting the footage of Arie driving up the coast and talking about how he’s looking for love… it was PAIN.FULL. Full of pain. However, my friend Kimberly GRACIOUSLY offered to let me watch at her house (We still don’t have cable, get on my level) so Kimberly, Justin, and Daisy Mae the cat and I watched together. Normal Peanut Gallery proceedings to begin next week. (Oh also JUST IN CASE anyone was wondering - I did NOT get engaged over Christmas. Whew, glad that's out of the way!)

I spent most of the opening ten minutes raking my hands through my hair, repeating “I can’t believe it… I can NOT believe Arie is the Bachelor…” I mean, how did they have ZERO options and just dive deep back into the archives and pull out an archaeological artifact for this season, my mind is BLOWN by this. Think about how much this franchise has evolved in five years. Think about how much YOU AND I have evolved in five years! And all the grey hairs that Arie now has! It’s just so much and I love it all. Most of these girls were literal BABIES when Emily’s season aired. Think about it: all of them were born during the presidency of Barack Obama. I’m just kidding. But not really.

MOVING ON:

Oh Chris Harrison, how I’ve missed you and how I love you. Also you look tan and I am NOT objecting.

THE LADIEZ:

Chelsea from Portland, Maine – she was “comforted” by knowing that Arie was The Bachelor. What an interesting word choice. Also she has apparently never touched toys or a peanut butter sandwich before, because she does NOT know how to fold this shirt right now. I was also attempting to educate Justin on how to spot juvederm and botox, and Chelsea was a GREAT subject for this.

Caroline, Real Estate –

JUSTIN: Well that’s totally a normal dress to show a house.
GRACE: I really didn’t need to see her ribcage.

(Also they totally found these people in the house on Actor’s Access, let’s JUST be real.)

Maquel – Photographer… And the new Corinne. Even down to the center part of her hair.

Nysha – nurse – I 100% do not care that she jumped out of a plane.

Tia – the new Raven. Don’t ca- oh, it looks like she literally does KNOW Raven. Obviously she is not from this town named after a male anatomical part, they just went twenty miles down the road from Hoxie and made her pose next to the welcome sign and handed her that red toy as she exited the limo.

Kendall – Taxidermy Girl – can someone introduce her to Kirk’s dad? Yes KIRK FROM ALI’S SEASON WHO HAD A DAD THAT WAS INTO TAXIDERMY. (Remember that basement?) Yes, the same Kirk who broke Carly’s heart on Bachelor in Paradise, BEFORE CARLY FOUND LOVE WITH EVAN BECAUSE TRUE LOVE IS REAL.

Bekah – nanny. So… she’s an actress. Mmm hmmm. This girl is absolutely an actress. Make no mistake. If your hometown says “Los Angeles” and your last name ISN’T Garcetti, then you’re a) not from here and b) DEFINITELY an actress.

Marikh – lemme guess. She isn’t here to make friends. She 100% does not co-own this restaurant with her parents. Just like Corinne didn’t run her parents’ business are you KIDDING ME.

Coach Krystal – YES. Omg she is such a wreck!

JUSTIN: She’s also not 29. And I love how they made it look like she was generous and gave out two bags of food but it was really that they only had time for one shot of “homeless people” in this intro.

Limo Exit Notes:

- Relator Caroline – “off the market” line. Could’ve done without that.

- Chelsea – is Chelsea already hammered? This seems like a weird intro.

- Kendall – “creative director,” where’s her ukulele? (update: I’m sorry I asked)

- Seinne – elephants never forget… AND NEITHER WILL WE. But she is very pretty. Not that being pretty makes up for bad jokes, but just an observation.

- Tia – OMG. The tiny toy she pulled out. I WILL NOT DIGNIFY IT BY MENTIONING IT HERE, some things should be sacred. MERCY.

- Bibiana – Bibiana is so Miami that I 🍩even know how to handle.

- Bri – sports reporter… I did NOT need her to throw that ball. Don’t care that she played softball. Also, if you’re a sports reporter, don’t you call yourself something more official than “sports reporter?”

- Jenny – pink dress. Boring.

- Brittane (or HOWEVER you spell her name) You know what? I don’t hate the Ferrari/Arie joke. Am I getting old? Is it my old age that’s turning me soft?

- Jacqueline – well she seems the most down to earth so far, but she was definitely born during the Obama Presidency.

- Krystal – I really want a Krystal burger, tbh. When she told him to… close his eyes and feel the gratitude… Remember when the big chubby guy in Mulan grabs the short guy with the black eye (voiced by Harvey Firestein – FIRESTEIN, not Weinstein, calm down) and makes him meditate? That’s what this reminded me of. Hold on, here’s a picture:

Have a Gratitude Attitude

- Nisha - EAT SOMETHING

- OMG this girl with the yellow dress and red hair. She is the most quintessential season premiere girl that ever lived. We don’t even see her name because she is going home in literally five minutes. (Update: she’s a “Server” from Nashville – really, that was the best title they could come up with? And she got a rose!)

- Nanny girl Beckah drives up in a red version of the car that Princess Mia drives in Princess Diaries and I CANNOT BE BOTHERED.

Thank you, Trolley People. 

- Jenna – social media manager. Jenna has already been overserved and what is she even saying to Arie right now as she is grabbing his shoulders, this doesn’t even make sense but I love it.

- Jessica- Jessica wants us to believe that she’s 26 ARE YOU KIDDING ME omg I’m remembering that I’m older than half these women now and it’s such a time warp.

- Marikh – what did she even say to him? I zoned out. Something about spice?

- Olivia – “I adored you on Emily’s season” WELL THAT’S GREAT BECAUSE YOU WERE FIVE YEARS OLD WHEN IT WAS ON, GIRL BYE.

- Becca – Could have done without the Rebecca Jill thing but this girl is gonna go far. Also how many push ups can she do because she is ripped.

- Lauren – Ohhh he really likes Lauren (well, this one, anyway)

- Lauren J – “recent master’s graduate” that’s a new one. These Mardi Gras beads are out of control but I’m obviously very into them.

- Lauren B – oh are we going to have to keep up this Lauren trope all night?

- Lauren – “executive recruiter from LA”… so she’s another actress.

- Ashley – real estate agent – too many finish line jokes, Lord have MERCY

- Brittany – did NOT need to be speaking Dutch so poorly. Mortifying.

- Amber – spray tan line OMG HOW DARE SHE!

- Ali – pit stop… Please don’t.

Literally.

- Annaliese- KISSING BANDIT GET OUT but why is he touching her so much. Also I love how people wear a TINY mask on this show and act like they’re wearing a bank-heisting ski mask.

ILLUSIONS, Michael! 

- Maquel – OMG her hair extensions. Helloooooo Corinne. This girl will 100% be releasing her own fashion line before she tries to find love in Mexico on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.

- Arie’s 60 mph to 0 when Chris talked about the first impression rose was REALLY working for me.

- KIMBERLY: I just need to take a moment and point out that Arie is calling them “girls” and not “women.” Not sure what that means but let’s take a note. (I feel like we're going to circle back to this one)

- Of course the Juvederm girl steals him away first, are we surprised? Also she low-key reminds me of Courtney Robertson,

- OMG ARIE’S “SILLY FACE” WITH CORINNE 2.0 I AM DECEASED. Why did she take a photo and walk away? I love this,

- Who is this down to earth girl that is talking to him by the fire? I can’t even scroll up in my notes to see her name. Probably Lauren. (Update: Jacqueline. Rooting for you, Jackie)

- Brittany… pulls him aside to show him something she has prepared. OMG is it a massage table. Oh hello it’s two Barbie cars. How did she squeeze into that pink car? Arie saying that he would give her a bump is the most charming and human he’s been this whole episode. And now she says that their kiss was the greatest of her life and it was LITERALLY a peck.

- Kendall and the ukulele… Please leave. It’s like it’s so overproduced that she’s not even that nervous and awkward about it and so it just SUCKS. We don’t see her being nervous about it or anything as she sings a garbage song, this is just a straight up dumpster fire.

- Jenna… Who maybe owns a pedicure shop, maybe owns an ice cream shop. GIVE ME MORE OF THIS GIRL.

- Annaliese, Mask girl … We hit the rewind button on Aire’s “Aww, so pretty” no less than nineteen times. Reminds me of the way my dad said it when he saw my lavender cotillion dress in sixth grade, So much disappointment. And I’m sure Annaliese is now mortified that she has a chemistry goggles mask mark on her face. (Also may we NEVER forget the mask guy from Ashley Herbert’s season)

- We are LOVING the white dress that one of the Laurens is wearing but we are definitely ready for her to run for office, not to marry the Bachelor.

- Chelsea has clearly done some pick-ups, cause she’s not wearing her lashes in this interview where she says that she needs more time with Arie… Aaaaand she steals him away again. Hope he enjoyed those lips, cause they have to cost about $300 a month…

- Pink dress girl drew a picture of Arie and said that she was an artist when she was a little girl… THAT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL WHEN EMILY’S SEASON WAS ON.

- Nanny Beckah is a MASTER. She knows all the right questions to ask and all the right looks to give. I think I’m rooting for her?

- Random note about an Ashley… WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS GIRL IS. Seriously have we seen her before?

- Roses went to: Becca, Marique, Kendall, Lauren G, Krystal, Bekah, Lauren S, Sienne, Caroline, Brittani, (Don’t even know how to spell her name) Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B, Ashley, Tia, Maquel

Oh I feel kind of sad about the girl whose dad “met” Arie (but did he really meet him? Asking for a friend. But I think this girl looks too much like Laura Trump for me to feel endeared to her)

GUYS I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS SEASON I 🍩 KNOW HOW TO EVEN. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...