- If you haven’t started the podcast “Slow Burn” stop what you’re doing and listen. It is the latest and greatest. It’s about Watergate and the episodes are only about 25 minutes long. It will make you realize that the political climate right now isn’t necessarily uncharted territory for the US Government. (read: you’ll sleep better at night, after you hear how crazy things were in the 70s)
- SHOUT OUT TO MAH GURL MARIELLE WAKIM and her deep dive on the illustrious Instagram career of Becca Tilley:
http://www.lamag.com/culturefiles/heres-former-bachelor-contestant-will-make-1-million-year/
- Anybody else see Pete Souza’s book about the Obama years? It doesn’t matter WHAT you think of his time as president, the photojournalism is JUST. REMARKABLE. and everyone should see it if you get a chance. (Also if you don't wanna buy it, hi there's this thing called the library - 10/10 would recommend it)
OK SO. Back to business:
The girls have started out with a very intense and philosophical discussion of… Bekah’s age. The producer's have clearly tripped over their own feet, trying to get them to talk about this because it was kind of the ONLY thing discussed on this entire episode.
You guys remember when SNL's Bachelor sketch was "Bland Man?" Honestly I'm kind of shooketh, now that I think about it, because it was basically a prophecy of this season...
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| Incredible, Awesome, Amazing Fairytale |
IT WASN'T A PARODY OF MY ONE TRUE LOVE BEN HIGGINS, SHUT UP, JOHNNY.
Anyway, upon arriving in Lake Tahoe, Bland Man tells us: “I love things like hiking… being outside… and sharing that with a girl this week is exciting”
I'm sure Lake Tahoe is nice. But Bland Man is not.
Oh I LOVE how they got the taxidermy for Kendall in this Tahoe Log Cabin. That is so special. Bring out the crazy.
One on One: Sienne
When he comes to the house to pick up Sienne, Bland Man tries to tell the women that this whole week is "uncharted territory" and a “new thing” for him because he’s…
....never been to Lake Tahoe before. That is actually what he said.
He and Sienne proceed to zip off and go parasailing while the other girls try and squint at them through binoculars, looking off in very specific directions that have been fed to them by the producers.
He and Sienne proceed to zip off and go parasailing while the other girls try and squint at them through binoculars, looking off in very specific directions that have been fed to them by the producers.
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| GOOD ONE, PRODUCERS. |
Can’t decide if Arie and Sienne have chemistry or not. They look really pretty together, I know that much.
BOOZER: They’re very Gap or LLBean ad, together.
ARIE: “And I thought... I need to find a way to give this girl a date” OH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR KINDNESS, you prince charming, you!
This is honestly weird that they are filming Maquel learning about her grandfather passing away… Usually they’d just be like “Hey Maquel, can we get a shot of you answering the phone?” and then cut to her ITM where she’s like, “I got a phone call…” But no, they voyeuristically filmed the whole thing. I'm not here to talk about how close Maquel was or was not with her grandfather, but I HAVE noticed a trend that if you get important news, the choice to stay basically depends on what you think your chances are. See: Carly MISSING HER BROTHER'S WEDDING to stay in Paradise with Kirk literally just HOURS before he broke her heart. (But thank God for Evan because TRUE LOVE IS REAL AMIRITE)
How romantic that Sienne and Arie get to trek through this... Tahoe Hard Rock Café right now… ABC's The Bacehlor, sponsored by Hard Rock! #Ad #Spon
GRACE: Sienne is too cerebral and articulate for him.
BOOZE: He’ll give her the rose because he knows she’s the kind of girl he SHOULD be with.
Aaaaand Bland Man proved Boozer right. He did give her the rose. And she is already in the Friend Zone.
Tahoe Group Date:
GRACE: Sienne is too cerebral and articulate for him.
BOOZE: He’ll give her the rose because he knows she’s the kind of girl he SHOULD be with.
Aaaaand Bland Man proved Boozer right. He did give her the rose. And she is already in the Friend Zone.
Tahoe Group Date:
Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Laruen, Brittany, Caroline
Honestly I'm loving that they get a Green Beret to lead this date. This time last year we were listening to a farmer who had never addressed a group of more than three people, much less Corinne Olympios. My military expertise is pretty limited, but I FEEEEEEL like a Green Beret will be pretty good about calling people into action. He tells them to drink their own pee and eat worms.
Before the girls could decide not to drink their pee, the living room peanut gallery had a fierce debate about whether or not you can drink your own urine. Cause I’m pretty sure you can’t. I mean… It’s sterile, but isn’t it all of your contaminants? Update: It was apple juice. Also just another quick note about survival hydration - you know how you aren't supposed to drink ocean water cause the salt will cause you to get dehydrated? Well I didn't know that til I was in fourth grade and saw a little film called The Voyage of the Mimi, in which THIS guy had a substantial role:
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| Holy Bowlcut Batman... |
(Honestly even though I think he must somehow be GROSSLY INEPT for deciding to be NOT MARRIED to one of my personal idols, that is absolutely what I would say to Ben Affleck if I met him tomorrow. But maybe that's a line he gets a lot: "Hey, you taught me that I couldn't drink ocean water!" I'll let you guys know if I ever run into him)
MOVING ON:
Can we just acknowledge that snow is fun for THREE SECONDS and then it’s the WORST?? And I’ve spent VERY limited time in snow. It's snowing as these girls start out on some kind of made up map trek to a hot tub and it looks MIZ...
Krystal is self-destructing before our very eyes. She is already talking about her relationship with Arie being tested on this date, and the casting directors are all high five-ing that they found this girl who would play straight into their hands. Arie put his arm around Krystal in the hot tub and Tia and Caroline made jokes because part of appearing attractive to someone is showing you can roll with the punches and make light of a situation (even though polygamy shouldn't be something of which we are making light?) so they obviously joke about it. And apparently Krystal has never witnessed humans make jokes before because she is DEVASTATED by said joke.
Arie immediately wants to talk to Lauren after the hot tub and the only thing I can think about Lauren is that she was the one that got the setup that Bibiana arranged, back at the mansion. Bland Man told Lauren he had a surprise planned for her and it was... a fire. Is the surprise that the fire was there? In the middle of Lake Tahoe in the winter time? Is the surprise that he started the fire himself? AMERICA WANTS ANSWERS, BLAND MAN.
ARIE: I wanna be with an independent woman.
LAUREN: I want to be a dirty old grandma that is still slapping grandpa on the butt.
Can we just acknowledge that snow is fun for THREE SECONDS and then it’s the WORST?? And I’ve spent VERY limited time in snow. It's snowing as these girls start out on some kind of made up map trek to a hot tub and it looks MIZ...
Krystal is self-destructing before our very eyes. She is already talking about her relationship with Arie being tested on this date, and the casting directors are all high five-ing that they found this girl who would play straight into their hands. Arie put his arm around Krystal in the hot tub and Tia and Caroline made jokes because part of appearing attractive to someone is showing you can roll with the punches and make light of a situation (even though polygamy shouldn't be something of which we are making light?) so they obviously joke about it. And apparently Krystal has never witnessed humans make jokes before because she is DEVASTATED by said joke.
Arie immediately wants to talk to Lauren after the hot tub and the only thing I can think about Lauren is that she was the one that got the setup that Bibiana arranged, back at the mansion. Bland Man told Lauren he had a surprise planned for her and it was... a fire. Is the surprise that the fire was there? In the middle of Lake Tahoe in the winter time? Is the surprise that he started the fire himself? AMERICA WANTS ANSWERS, BLAND MAN.
ARIE: I wanna be with an independent woman.
LAUREN: I want to be a dirty old grandma that is still slapping grandpa on the butt.
GRACE: I just want cookies, tbh...
Arie sits down with Kendall and- ok HOW does one travel with a taxidermy? Do you check it or carry it on? How do you package it so it travels safely? Could you carry it in a pet carrier? Kendall is such an odd duck, (no pun intended) but she and Arie have great chemistry so I will 100% allow it.
Chelsea throwing shade to Krystal in her ITM is SO Courtney Robertson… (But her impression was pretty good, so I'm not even mad...)
I can’t believe that Caroline is 26. She looks at least 30. Not in a bad way, but just... way older. I feel like she's going to be a dark horse. Keep an eye out for her.
OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE KRYSTAL WITH THE DRAMATIC WHISPER AND WATERY EYES AT BLAND MAN RIGHT NOW I AM SO ABSOLUTELY SLAIN
OMG NOW SHE IS PULLING ASIDE TIA AND CAROLINE I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.
Arie sits down with Kendall and- ok HOW does one travel with a taxidermy? Do you check it or carry it on? How do you package it so it travels safely? Could you carry it in a pet carrier? Kendall is such an odd duck, (no pun intended) but she and Arie have great chemistry so I will 100% allow it.
Chelsea throwing shade to Krystal in her ITM is SO Courtney Robertson… (But her impression was pretty good, so I'm not even mad...)
I can’t believe that Caroline is 26. She looks at least 30. Not in a bad way, but just... way older. I feel like she's going to be a dark horse. Keep an eye out for her.
OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE KRYSTAL WITH THE DRAMATIC WHISPER AND WATERY EYES AT BLAND MAN RIGHT NOW I AM SO ABSOLUTELY SLAIN
OMG NOW SHE IS PULLING ASIDE TIA AND CAROLINE I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.
Krystal, Tia and Caroline are pretty drunk at this point, but Tia is spitting some TRUTH at Krystal right now and I am HERE for it. Tia is easily winning this argument because she's being SPECIFIC, when airing her grievances with Krystal. And that goes so much father than a whiny "you give me a bad vibe."
A still-drunk Tia goes to talk to Arie and ends up crying and telling him that she is... scared by her feelings for him? I mean, I'm not mad but like... huh? Whatever. She gets a rose. After Bland Shakespeare Man tells the women: “Today was amazing but tonight was important”
Krystal tells the camera: "Honestly it is confusing to me as to why Tia would get the rose when I'm showing Arie my colors..." SERIOUSLY SHE is everything my TV dreams are made of. She is SUCH A PIECE OF WORK!!
The next morning, Krystal tells Chelsea and Sienne that a) she’s flawless and b) she overcame challenges. That is what she said. That isn't some kind of hyperbolic exaggeration, she legit said those things.
One on One: Young Bekah
Bekah *runs through the trees toward Arie*
BOOZER: Who is that little boy running to meet Arie?
Kendall and Jacqueline talk about how they think Bekah is too young.
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| LITERALLY |
Wait...
Wait, you guys Arie is such a pleasant version of himself with Bekah. I’m kind of astonished. WHERE HAS THIS PERSON BEEN? He is chatty Kathy with her, oh my WORD!
Wait, you guys Arie is such a pleasant version of himself with Bekah. I’m kind of astonished. WHERE HAS THIS PERSON BEEN? He is chatty Kathy with her, oh my WORD!
Meanwhile back at the Tahoe Log Cabin, Chelsea and a very drunk Caroline are STILL talking about how young Bekah is.
Arie asked if Bekah would be ready to settle down if it was the right time and the right person. She turns the question on his head and asks him “Well how could I know if it's never happened?” (well spoiler alert maybe it's never happened because you’re 12, but still a nice response that requires some thinking from him...)
The rate at which Arie is freaking out right now upon finding out her age is indicative that he thought Young Bekah was gonna go VERY far.
Quick body language note: Bekah is talking about how it's for her to marry young because most of her family married young... her hand is almost completely covering her mouth. Which means she is already uncomfortable with what she's saying... But Arie is a totally and completely different person with her!! This is kind of insane! Goodbye, Bland Man, hello Human! He picks up the rose and tells her “I feel like this could be the beginning of something amazing” Which is fine and good but also EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID TO SIENNE. Aaaaand then he proceeded to put his fingers THOUGH her earring hoop. I think we're done, here.
Rose Ceremony:
While they wait for Hare to summon them, Krystal tries to go out on a limb and says to the girls: "This is the most nervous I’ve velt before a rose ceremony, anyone else?
*Crickets*
KENDALL: “It's like Krystal is saying things that a public speaker told her to say. Or something she read in a book." I like Kendall more and more.
Hare tells them that the cocktail party has been cancelled and in NO uncertain terms does he tell Arie how they took the news: “To say they were shocked and dismayed is an understatement”
Roses go to:
Wait wait, Krystal has to pull him aside.
Roses go to:
Wait wait, Krystal has to pull him aside.
I love that Krystal is whispering, in all these interactions with him. Does she think the mics can't pick her up? Or that the other girls would hear her and get jealous? I love that she tells him "I respect your decision..." even though she COMPLETELY disregarded his decision to cancel the cocktail party..
ROSES GO TO:
Lauren, Kendall, WHERE IS KENDALL’S DUCK? Ashely, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, props to Boozer for pointing out that this is EXACTLY what Jenna did to Marikh when she went to get the rose:
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| GIMME THAT ROSE |
Jacqueline (really?), Marikh… Wait he’s sending Caroline home?! Caroline was the most obvious choice for him, dude! How does Arie not see this??
He let Caroline go! That choice wasn't thought through, dude. I bet she'll pull a Jen S. from Ben's season and come back and crush it on Bachelor in Paradise...
Did you notice who I was impersonating with my overuse of dude, just now?
UH HUH.
Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...
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