MAY KRYSTAL FIND THE PEACE THAT SHE *THINKS* SHE HAS

Just a few quick housekeeping notes:
- Grammys, anyone? Yeah, me neither. Ok well the one performance I DID watch was P!nk because she is kind of all that has mattered, ever. I mean, Kelly Clarkson is obviously my #1, but I couldn't LIVE without Pink. Her song "You Get My Love" was, in my very humble opinion, the most powerful song of 2017.
- Oh and also the performance of Blue Ivy Carter. The clip of her telling her parents to shush was my most favorite thing since Jake Tapper told Stephen Miller to "settle down" on live TV a few weeks ago.
- Anyone else following the impending arrival of Day One in Cape Town and losing major sleep? Cause call me Chicken Little but I'm pretty sure the sky is falling down. (I'm actually not joking. I'm super stressed about it.)
- Whenever I get stressed about it, I look at this photo of Justin Trudeau holding baby pandas to ease the pain. You're welcome:

So this week we are in the romantic, luxury destination of… FORT LAUDERDALE.

All I used to know about Ft. Lauderdale was that the family we carpooled with went down there every year for spring break. And then I lived near there for a solid four years. Special thanks to Gran, Big Daddy, and Donna Shalala for those years. And many others. Who are literally too numerous to mention.

Mr. 305

I 🍩 care about the go pro cameras on these girl’s bikes right now.

Actually, you know what? Ft. Lauderdale is a great idea. Because that penthouse at The W was probably cheap AF. And honestly the beach pretty much anywhere is nice to look at. (Unless it’s the Hurricane Sandy Ravaged beach in New Jersey – do you guys remember when Dez and that one guy went on the date where they basically got in a helicopter and looked at all the wreckage? It was that guy who cried later. Wasn't his name James?)

RIP, James

So one of my favorite producers (WHO WORKED ON ANDY BALDWIN'S SEASON) texted me from the Chicago airport saying, ‘Damn you, the Bachelor is on in the airport lounge and now I can't look away WHY AM I WATCHING THIS?!”

I quickly had to translate the girls for her. She told me she was watching “crazy girl,” “girl who thinks she’s better than everyone” and “short haired girl” And I immediately filled in for her:“That would be Krystal, Chelsea and Bekah, respectively.” 

She then asked what the heck the Bachelor Winter Games were and I told her that her guess was as good as mine.

(And yes, the first time she revealed to me that she had worked on that season of the show, all at once I sputtered, "You mean the season where Andy took Tessa and Peyton on the 2 on 1 and left Peyton on an aircraft carrier after he dumped her but true love is real because Peyton ended up marrying Christ Lambton, who was the runner up on Ali Fedotowsky's season, even after Peyton had that really awkward date on Bachelor Pad with Jesse Beck who was also on Ali Fedotowsky's season?!" And yes, she DID give me a very long look when I asked that, but has come to appreciate my passion for the show...) 

Ok ok. Back to Bland Man.

This blonde basic Betty named Lauren is JUST the worst. I am so irritated that they keep giving us sound bites from her because she could NOT be more dull. Ohhhhh but she was REAL excited to see Maquel, who joined us again, just now. How come everyone is whining about Bekah's age but not batting an eye over Maquel being only ONE YEAR OLDER?! 

One on One: Chelsea

Blah blah blah, they go on a boat in the ocean and make out...

I WANNA KINDLE MY BOYFRIEND

Chelsea and Arie are LEGITIMATELY every single Bachelor date couple that has EVER lived. The dreamboat puns, the “I’m so grateful," the let's-rehash-this-date-to-each-other-and-everything-we-have-liked-about-it-so-far-even-though-it's-only-been-fifteen-minutes," all of it.

The producers are REALLY enjoying parading these one one ones in front of the other girls this season. Lauren and Maquel very quickly lose interest in watching the date on the water from the hotel balcony but Marikh is like:

Gotta get the hot goss

I RELATE TO YOU, MARIKH.

I mean, if I got the invite to the car museum, I guess I’d act as animated and interested as Chelsea is, but unless there’s a 75 year old tour guide named Earl to provide the trivial information about cars, I 🍩 care and cannot be bothered.

What is the squiggle tattoo on Chelsea’s hand? Are we ever going to find out?

Chelsea’s dinner speech is SUPER planned and prepared and Arie is LAPPING 👏 IT 👏 UP 👏. 

Meanwhile I honestly can NOT stop thinking about how Bekah observed that Arie is drawn to single mothers because of how much they NEED him. 

Chelsea is too groomed. She's too polished and I don't believe a word of what she is saying to Arie to convince him to give her the rose right now. And she's DOUBLY good at being able to tell people what they want to hear in order to get what she wants because HI HELLO: that is ALL that you do as a parent! You convince your child a) to do things and b) get them to think it was their idea! They left the Car Maze and wandered into a private concert that Erica and Madison were convinced was JoJo Fletcher, but we heard Chelsea tell us it was some act called "Tenille Arts" and I can GUARANTEE YOU that it took her more than one take to get THAT name right. 

We had a nice interlude during the commercial break to plan Boozer's wedding processional, because even though she isn't even planning a wedding, these things are CRUCIAL. I can't even remember how we got on the topic, but suddenly I was telling everyone how it's on my friend Danny's bucket list to convince one of his sisters to walk down the aisle to "At the Beginning" from Anastasia. And then we found an instrumental version and the rest is history:
Do Yourself A Favor and Give This A Listen

Group Date: 

Maquel, Krystal, Bekah, Becca, Jenna, Sienne, Kendall, Ashely Marikh, Jacqueline, Lauren B

Waaaaaaaait. WHY did we just watch Arie lick that bowling ball?!?!?! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! DOES HE KNOW HOW BAD FLU SEASON IS RIGHT NOW?! WHY DID WE JUST WATCH HIM DO THAT I AM SO INCENSED THAT I CAN'T EVEN USE PROPER PUNCTUATION WHY DID WE JUST SEE THAT?!!??!?!

I'm trying to think of a) the amount of money you'd have to pay me to do that or b) the kind of sanitizing it would have to go through in order for me to do that. I would literally have to watch it sit in boiling water for no less than seven days straight. Have I already talked about the time I had to kiss a desk phone in college? I played this kooky principal in a Christopher Durang show (think: Jane Lynch on Glee) and I had to abruptly start macking on the phone during one scene... Every night - EVERY NIGHT backstage before the show, I would spray the whole thing down with rubbing alcohol and then put hand sanitizer on it. The prop guys thought I was crazy.


...I don't know why I pulled a yappy Lauren S. on the vineyard date and told you all that unnecessary information just now I GUESS I'M JUST TRAUMATIZED BY THE FACT THAT WE SAW HIM DO THAT!! 

(Quick update: I can't find a photo from the actual show, but I wore this hideous blonde wig so I had my hair up in pin curls every night. My roommate snapped a photo of the aftermath one day)

Yes that IS a flip phone. It was 1000 ago. When Arie was on Emily's season... 

Ok ok. I'm coming back down from my hysteria. So we see the girls get divided up into teams... Winner gets to go to the after party, we've totally seen this trope before...

They get divided up into teams… Krystal asks that her dogs guide them success. After they win, she is holding a trophy from 1963 as she flaunts her victory. And she makes a weird, weird toast about lifting people up and it’s just weird. Obviously the losing team is moping but in a move that surprises NO ONE, Arie invites them to the after party and Bekah runs to hug him LIKE HE IS HER DAD. 

KRYSTAL: Why did he change his mind?
BOOZER: Because he saw who was on the blue team and didn't wanna be stuck with you for the whole night!

Apparently Krystal got heated in the van on the way back to the hotel, HOW I WISH we had seen it, but we CERTAINLY heard about it. 

Honestly I really didn't take many notes about Krystal's subsequent interactions because I was so glued to the TV. Kendall is quite the vicious opponent in this instance because she is a) VERY articulate and b) calm AF. Bekah wisely pointed out that Krystal would have had NO problem with the arrangement if she'd been on the losing team and OH ARIE IS GOING TO CHECK ON KRYSTAL RIGHT NOW. He's playing right into her hand! 

I had my hands on my face in mortification during this whole exchange. Arie is clearly NOT at ALL interested in Krystal's antics, and he tells her to stay in the room. She proceeded to stay and mope, then get dressed and go down, and then go back upstairs, allegedly without seeing Arie. Meanwhile Kendall continues to CRUSH it. She pulled him aside and (as far as we can see) didn’t even talk about Krystal.

While Krystal briefly joined the circus down in the lobby, Lauren asks what her genuine feeling towards Arie is… which is the most legitimate thing Lauren has ever said. It's a stupid question, but coming from Lauren it seems kind of thoughtful. Which is obviously indicative of how NOT thoughtful she has been up until this point.

Lauren then goes downstairs with Arie and wants to play… 21 Questions… And she proceeds to play a game that is… not 21 questions. At this point, Carolyn got home and I said "Hey Caro, we're gonna play 21 Questions, ok? If I say that we're gonna play that game, what's the first thing you ask?"

CAROLYN: Is it a person? 

GRACE: Exactly. You would not proceed to ask me "What's your favorite color?" 

Lauren asked Arie what his favorite color was. And when he returned the question to her, this was her reply:

She's in a glass case of emotion

I will take this time to mention... my answer to how I like my eggs in the morning is... cooked for me. Straight up. I will eat any style of eggs you put in front of me, as long as I don't have to cook them. I reserve hard labor for after 3 PM.

Arie gives the rose to Lauren… Ashley and Marikh have had NO screen time with him, and who even is Jacqueline, at this point?

One on One: Tia

Arie and Tia are going airboating in the Everglades because... Arie apparently thinks that everything he does with Tia has to be "country?" How utterly detached and condescending. 

Ok speaking of gators… did you guys see that an alligator battled a python at a golf course in Naples about two weeks ago? AND NOBODY BOTHERED TO FIND OUT THE OUTCOME?! News outlets were just like "A gator and a python were fighting at a golf course, y'all!" and didn't bother to mention the victor...

NOT TODAY, SATAN.

Side note: that was the actual photo that the dude captured that was on the news, but I went down a STRANGE rabbit hole just now, trying to find that photo for you guys. Google "Python Gator" ONLY IF YOU DARE. 

Arie had the audacity to compare alligators to... finding love. And honestly I don't know what is more offensive at this point: that tepid and desperate comparison, or Arie licking the bowling ball... 

So they get to a house in the Everglades and we find out that Tia really loves Gerald and his fried frog legs…

CAROLYN: You know who else would love Gerald?
GRACE and CAROLYN: Johnny Langan 

Honestly if we could set Gerald up with Jane Fellows from the Culver Hotel on the JoJo and James Taylor date, I feel like true love could be real again...

Seriously why didn’t they jet down to Miami? They wouldn’t even have to take a jet, it’s 45 minutes away! What is the travel budget this season?

After Frog Legs with Gerald, Tia and Arie enjoy an "old nautical antique place," (no really, that's what Arie called it) and Tia is wearing the SHORTEST possible dress known to man. 

At this point Carolyn pointed out that Tia is preeeetty much a brunette Emily, and nobody in the Living Room Peanut Gallery disagrees with her. They certainly sound the same.

I love that we GLOSSED over the fact that Tia went to college for seven years. And I was SOOOOO ready to make this joke:

...but then we found out that Tia got her doctorate. Seriously, you go girl! 

This is a really weird and vague conversation about faith. Definitely one that isn't often had onscreen, but they're showing it to us right now, for whatever reason...

TIA I’m falling in love with you
ARIE: You are? Look at me when you say it.

Arie just pulled a Demi Lovato and demanded that she "tell me you love me," and I guess we're all just gonna let it happen... 

I mean, Tia has talked to Arie for a total of how long, six hours? MAYBE?! And she says she's already falling in love with him??

But you know what I JUST realized? Part of the reason why it's so easy for these women to "fall in love" SO. QUICKLY. on this show is that (stay with me, here) they know the guy they're dating is "ready" to commit. Think about it: in real life, you know whether or not you LIKE someone pretty quickly... but it takes a while to decide if you want to really pursue them and fall in love... PARTIALLY because you're not sure IF THEY WANT TO DATE YOU. Think about the questions we ask ourselves: Well, do they like me back? Do they like me AS MUCH? Do they have strong enough feelings for me to make this a serious thing? Are they ready for actual commitment? But in this instance, ALL OF THAT IS KNOWN. We know (allegedly) that Arie is ready for marriage. So all that's left to really do is just decide whether or not there is chemistry. And if there is, then it's all systems go. If there is chemistry + he's already ready for marriage = you can fall in love! TELL HIM YOU'RE FALLING IN LOVE, TIA! 

....did that make any sense? Not quite sure if my logic came full circle, there, but I know you guys will let me know... 

Cocktail Party:

Let's just start off with some quotes from Kyrstal: "I wasn’t hiding in my room, I was investing in myself. The struggle that happened… I was discovering." 

To say that Krystal sounds like she's constantly reading from a self-help book is the biggest understatement of the century... She proceeds to make a speech to the women about I-don't-even-know-what, finding your inner light, or SOMETHING. 

MADISON: Is it really a group of women on The Bachelor if Krystal isn’t making a toast?

Meanwhile Kendall pulls Arie aside and continues to slay the game. Honestly I love that Kendall has a book of 100 questions. I have a long list of questions to ask Jim Comey when I meet him. No plans to meet him yet but one day I will and I want to be ready. 

YOU GUYS KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE COMEY

Would you guys eat another human? Honestly I think I'm probably too polite and codependent to say no. If it were a tribe and that was their culture, I'd probably feel like it would be extremely rude not to, and I'd probably find myself eating human, but as long as you start with the fork on the outside and work your way in, you'll be a perfectly acceptable dinner guest... 

Krystal decides to tell the girls that if they have a problem with her, they can pull her aside and talk to her. Our girl goes first:

KENDALL: I’ll talk to you, Krystal
BOOZER: Pick a number, and I’ll ask you a question.

At some point in her discussion with the ladies, Krystal mentions: “extreme pain bodies were triggered when Arie went back on his word..." 

MARIKH: she’s manipulating us and him.
CAROLYN: No she’s not, she’s just crazy 

Krystal pulls Arie aside and tries to tell him that she was... triggered by the day's events because she... grew up in a... bowling alley? I would genuinely believe her MORE if she said she grew up as a "street rat." I think her mom took her to a bowling alley ONE time and so she felt justified in telling Arie that she'd grown up in one. Later Krystal tells the camera that she's invested in the relationship, throws out some jazz hands and says "that was glitter." I have no idea what show we are even watching anymore, but I am here for ALL of it.

Roses went to:
Bekah, Sienne, Kendall, Becca, Jacqueline, Jenna, aaaaaand Krystal 

I can't believe he kept her around for a whole 'nother week but I'm obviously thrilled. 

NEXT WEEK:

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...