And we are OFF to the races! (no literally: Arie revs up his motorcycle and is ready to find love)
Tonight's Living Room Peanut Gallery: Carolyn, Madison, Melanie, and Erica Boozer. Yes that’s her last name, get into it.
Ok well I was sitting to the side of the TV and couldn’t really see for the first two acts because I was… holding our antenna together. It was only working if you held your hand on the right side of it. Nobody worry: I ordered a new one from Amazon for ten bucks. We get lots of channels up in here with an antenna (oh, and in case you’re wondering – you literally have to type in “rabbit ears” when you search for this antenna on Amazon, special thanks to Madison Walker) lots of Christian channels and Korean shopping channels, and ABC, praise be.
When I say that this is actual footage of me... I mean it's ACTUAL footage of me. Please enjoy my Talbot's athleisure shirt that Gran said made me look like an elementary school PE teacher...
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| LIVING 👏 MY 👏 BEST 👏 LIFE 👏 |
Becca K got the first one on one and it was the usual Pretty Woman trope and I am SO bored. I am so unmoved by all of this. Like, the shoes… Rachel Zoe… the jewels… Take me to the downtown library and give us a tour of the underground there – THEN I’ll be impressed. Obviously The Bachelor thrives on misogyny... We know this. We are not surprised by this. But I feel like they're really taking it to a whole new level with Arie's "I just want you to feel taken care of..."
BY THESE DIAMOND EARRINGS? HOW ARE THESE EARRINGS GON' TAKE CARE OF HER?! WHY DON'T YOU FIX HER BRAKES, ARIE?!
Becca gets a rose. Yawn.
Krystal Burger got the second one on one date and they go to Scottsdale. She tells us that she’s “as smitten as a kitten.” THE PHRASE IS “I’M A SMITTEN KITTEN”
Important question: Does Arie’s high school have a Starbucks in it? There’s no way it looked like this when Arie was in high school… A THOUSAND YEARS AGO.
This looks like such a cookie cutter house that Arie lives in. His bedroom looks like a college freshman boy’s room after he moves out and his mom throws away half his stuff. Why are we looking through this scrapbook right now? THIS IS SO BORING.
SHE IS GONNA GET SO ATTACHED TO HIM YOU GUYS THIS IS NOT EVEN REAL.
MELANIE: Why is she meeting the parents right now?
GRACE: Because they want her to have an emotional breakdown.
Not only is Krystal going to suffer from MEGA first date syndrome (where she freaks out about their lack of connection in t-four episodes) but because of her rocky family life, she’s gonna get SO attached. This is borderline sociopathic of the producers to set her up on this episode.
Becca is doing the math back at the house about who has been on a date and I don’t blame her. Math is hard. Only TWO girls have been on dates. How many are left? Honestly this was probably the kind of example story problem I wrote in seventh grade when I was watching Bachelor Bob’s season (SHOUTOUT TO KELLY JO BEING ROBBED THAT YEAR)
FINALLY they go to a cool place downtown... The Bradbury Building is awesome... except Arie tells Krystal that it is "vintage."
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| NOT TODAY, SATAN |
Was this the place that Sean took that girl that he sent home after the Pretty Woman date? Wasn't it another girl named Leslie? Who went on to be an actress? Hold please.
This girl.
Anyone else remember that? Remember how Sean pulled a Mesnick and like, stood on the balcony questioning his life as she walked away? (because he’d sent her home) MISS U, SEANNIE.
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| May we NEVER forget Sean's Giant Snow Bus |
Krystal tells Arie about her family life… She starts crying… Arie tries to put his hand on her hair, as though that will make things better…
KRYSTAL: My life was really hard.
ARIE: I’ve had friends who were sad one time.
And we are treated to a concert by…
Connor Duermit...
Who has GOT to be the producer’s godson. Maybe he’s had a song released on a Grey’s Anatomy episode, we don’t really know. I’m sure he’ll Instagram about his EP any minute now.
Afterwards, Kyrstal doesn’t want to tell the girls that she met his family. But she really isn’t doing a good job changing the subject, either.
Group Date:
Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annalise, Lauren G, Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Sienna, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, Chelsea
Demolition Derby… This sounds v v unfun. And unsafe.
Quick breaking news update: North Korea is sending athletes to the Olympics. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Are there… Are there no helmets in these cars? Do the doors not work? This sucks. I understand why it was a good idea in the producers’ minds, but how can we even tell the girls apart in these stupid death machines?
Annaliese has had… bumper car trauma. This is not a drill. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! The mask girl was hit by bumper cars. And in some producer’s fever dream, they thought it would be a good idea for us to see a hazy flashback that did NOTHING to further the story. But I’m obviously here for it.
JENNY: We all want one on one time, she just chose to cry to get it.
BOOZER: Well your earrings are from Forever 21, so I stopped listening to you a while ago.
Brittany is apparently good at this. I am so worn out by these crashing cars. Also their whiplash would be SOMETHING. ELSE.
Another breaking news update: Alabama just won the championship. Yay sports games!
Brittney isn’t feeling good so she decided not to come to the after party… I wouldn’t feel good if I’d been slammed around in a car for hours, either.
Chelsea immediately pulls Arie aside, tells him about her kid and follows it with, “I hope that’s ok with you” that she has a child… STOP APOLOGIZING, CHELSEA.
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Chelsea then decided to tell the girls that she immediately pulled Arie aside because she’s a mom and he needed to know what she gave up for this… And Marikh TOTALLY shut this moment down and I am HERE FOR IT.
Sienne is WAY too schooled and well-traveled for Arie, but he gives her the rose anyway.
Bibiana’s patience has been trialed a lot. Yes, you read that correctly. We even had the closed captions on to confirm this.
Arie think’s its sexy how Bekah… painted her car. His hand is GENUINELY the size of her head. Also have you SEEN this girl’s Instagram? She is 100% NOT a nanny.
WHOAAA ARIE PULLED THE OLD BAIT AND SWITCH WHEN HE GAVE SIENNE THE ROSE.
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| Good one, Arie |
Rose Ceremony:
BRITTANY: I'm saying to myself, "He probably thinks I’m nuts…"
ARIE: So speaking of…
BOOZER: Here’s my nuts!
...he ended up giving her some stupid certificate that a PA printed from their parents' house in Encino.
I’ve decided that Bekah is as cool as I want to be, in my mind… she’s that girl who all the guys are drawn to, and just “isn’t into drama” and you see her at a party and think: If I could JUST be that cool and chill, I could get a guy’s attention… BUT BEKAH LOOKS LIKE SHE IS LEGIT ELEVEN SO THE WHOLE THING IS SUPER WEIRD.
Arie is YAPPING about his dog to Bibiana right now. And I’m not against a good yap session. I was cornered with an awkward guy at work in the kitchen yesterday and I just started YAPPING about the book I’m reading (It’s a mystery novel… that was translated from Dutch… that I grabbed off the “New Releases” shelf at the library cause judging by its cover, it looked good… but I’m now on page 350 of 475 still waiting for it to get going… “Oh, look, my bacon is done in the microwave, bye!”) THE POINT IS: a well-timed yap can fill in some mega gaps. And obviously Arie has some GAPS to fill in with Bibi.
Roses went to: Maquel, Jaqueline, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren, Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B, Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, Bibiana
I love how Jenny just walked by without saying goodbye. And now he’s going after her. Now she’s crying. Her hands are on her hips and his arms are crossed. She pouts that she doesn’t want to “leave her friends.” Arie is talking to her perhaps the way that he should be talking to Bekah. She just told us that she got broken up with for the first time. Girl, bye!
So excited for next week. (and our new pair of rabbit ears will have arrived by then) You guys know how much I love episodes 2 and 3.
If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…
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