IF YOU CAN FIND LOVE ON DATING APPS YOU CAN FIND IT ON TV

Hi first things first GUYS I WAS A SENIOR IN COLLEGE WHEN THE EMILY MAYNARD SEASON AIRED I AM EXPERIENCING MY AGE IN A WAY THAT I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. 

Send help. 

Several quick questions during this What-Arie-Has-Been-Up-To-For-Five-Years Montage:

1) Why are we not seeing Dolly Parton in this flashback? Does no one remember how Dolly made an appearance?

2) Why are we not talking about how he dated that producer, Cassie? That was a groundbreaking, FOURTH WALL BREAKING moment in Bachelor history, HELLO.

3) Remember how Emily ruined that perfume-making date with Arie cause she wouldn’t let him even do the date because she sent him home?

4) OH I FORGOT ABOUT ARIE’S JOURNAL ON THE AFTER SHOW!!

Honestly looking at him age right now right in front of my very eyes is like seeing Mark Hamill in the new Star Wars franchise. (Which I still haven’t seen, because I refuse to acknowledge my own mortality… whatever)

So the show doesn’t premiere before January 4th, like, EVER, so when I scheduled my flight back to Los Angeles after Christmas, I chose to fly out on New Year’s Day. I had to leave my parent’s house at 7 pm sharp, literally JUST as we were getting the footage of Arie driving up the coast and talking about how he’s looking for love… it was PAIN.FULL. Full of pain. However, my friend Kimberly GRACIOUSLY offered to let me watch at her house (We still don’t have cable, get on my level) so Kimberly, Justin, and Daisy Mae the cat and I watched together. Normal Peanut Gallery proceedings to begin next week. (Oh also JUST IN CASE anyone was wondering - I did NOT get engaged over Christmas. Whew, glad that's out of the way!)

I spent most of the opening ten minutes raking my hands through my hair, repeating “I can’t believe it… I can NOT believe Arie is the Bachelor…” I mean, how did they have ZERO options and just dive deep back into the archives and pull out an archaeological artifact for this season, my mind is BLOWN by this. Think about how much this franchise has evolved in five years. Think about how much YOU AND I have evolved in five years! And all the grey hairs that Arie now has! It’s just so much and I love it all. Most of these girls were literal BABIES when Emily’s season aired. Think about it: all of them were born during the presidency of Barack Obama. I’m just kidding. But not really.

MOVING ON:

Oh Chris Harrison, how I’ve missed you and how I love you. Also you look tan and I am NOT objecting.

THE LADIEZ:

Chelsea from Portland, Maine – she was “comforted” by knowing that Arie was The Bachelor. What an interesting word choice. Also she has apparently never touched toys or a peanut butter sandwich before, because she does NOT know how to fold this shirt right now. I was also attempting to educate Justin on how to spot juvederm and botox, and Chelsea was a GREAT subject for this.

Caroline, Real Estate –

JUSTIN: Well that’s totally a normal dress to show a house.
GRACE: I really didn’t need to see her ribcage.

(Also they totally found these people in the house on Actor’s Access, let’s JUST be real.)

Maquel – Photographer… And the new Corinne. Even down to the center part of her hair.

Nysha – nurse – I 100% do not care that she jumped out of a plane.

Tia – the new Raven. Don’t ca- oh, it looks like she literally does KNOW Raven. Obviously she is not from this town named after a male anatomical part, they just went twenty miles down the road from Hoxie and made her pose next to the welcome sign and handed her that red toy as she exited the limo.

Kendall – Taxidermy Girl – can someone introduce her to Kirk’s dad? Yes KIRK FROM ALI’S SEASON WHO HAD A DAD THAT WAS INTO TAXIDERMY. (Remember that basement?) Yes, the same Kirk who broke Carly’s heart on Bachelor in Paradise, BEFORE CARLY FOUND LOVE WITH EVAN BECAUSE TRUE LOVE IS REAL.

Bekah – nanny. So… she’s an actress. Mmm hmmm. This girl is absolutely an actress. Make no mistake. If your hometown says “Los Angeles” and your last name ISN’T Garcetti, then you’re a) not from here and b) DEFINITELY an actress.

Marikh – lemme guess. She isn’t here to make friends. She 100% does not co-own this restaurant with her parents. Just like Corinne didn’t run her parents’ business are you KIDDING ME.

Coach Krystal – YES. Omg she is such a wreck!

JUSTIN: She’s also not 29. And I love how they made it look like she was generous and gave out two bags of food but it was really that they only had time for one shot of “homeless people” in this intro.

Limo Exit Notes:

- Relator Caroline – “off the market” line. Could’ve done without that.

- Chelsea – is Chelsea already hammered? This seems like a weird intro.

- Kendall – “creative director,” where’s her ukulele? (update: I’m sorry I asked)

- Seinne – elephants never forget… AND NEITHER WILL WE. But she is very pretty. Not that being pretty makes up for bad jokes, but just an observation.

- Tia – OMG. The tiny toy she pulled out. I WILL NOT DIGNIFY IT BY MENTIONING IT HERE, some things should be sacred. MERCY.

- Bibiana – Bibiana is so Miami that I 🍩even know how to handle.

- Bri – sports reporter… I did NOT need her to throw that ball. Don’t care that she played softball. Also, if you’re a sports reporter, don’t you call yourself something more official than “sports reporter?”

- Jenny – pink dress. Boring.

- Brittane (or HOWEVER you spell her name) You know what? I don’t hate the Ferrari/Arie joke. Am I getting old? Is it my old age that’s turning me soft?

- Jacqueline – well she seems the most down to earth so far, but she was definitely born during the Obama Presidency.

- Krystal – I really want a Krystal burger, tbh. When she told him to… close his eyes and feel the gratitude… Remember when the big chubby guy in Mulan grabs the short guy with the black eye (voiced by Harvey Firestein – FIRESTEIN, not Weinstein, calm down) and makes him meditate? That’s what this reminded me of. Hold on, here’s a picture:

Have a Gratitude Attitude

- Nisha - EAT SOMETHING

- OMG this girl with the yellow dress and red hair. She is the most quintessential season premiere girl that ever lived. We don’t even see her name because she is going home in literally five minutes. (Update: she’s a “Server” from Nashville – really, that was the best title they could come up with? And she got a rose!)

- Nanny girl Beckah drives up in a red version of the car that Princess Mia drives in Princess Diaries and I CANNOT BE BOTHERED.

Thank you, Trolley People. 

- Jenna – social media manager. Jenna has already been overserved and what is she even saying to Arie right now as she is grabbing his shoulders, this doesn’t even make sense but I love it.

- Jessica- Jessica wants us to believe that she’s 26 ARE YOU KIDDING ME omg I’m remembering that I’m older than half these women now and it’s such a time warp.

- Marikh – what did she even say to him? I zoned out. Something about spice?

- Olivia – “I adored you on Emily’s season” WELL THAT’S GREAT BECAUSE YOU WERE FIVE YEARS OLD WHEN IT WAS ON, GIRL BYE.

- Becca – Could have done without the Rebecca Jill thing but this girl is gonna go far. Also how many push ups can she do because she is ripped.

- Lauren – Ohhh he really likes Lauren (well, this one, anyway)

- Lauren J – “recent master’s graduate” that’s a new one. These Mardi Gras beads are out of control but I’m obviously very into them.

- Lauren B – oh are we going to have to keep up this Lauren trope all night?

- Lauren – “executive recruiter from LA”… so she’s another actress.

- Ashley – real estate agent – too many finish line jokes, Lord have MERCY

- Brittany – did NOT need to be speaking Dutch so poorly. Mortifying.

- Amber – spray tan line OMG HOW DARE SHE!

- Ali – pit stop… Please don’t.

Literally.

- Annaliese- KISSING BANDIT GET OUT but why is he touching her so much. Also I love how people wear a TINY mask on this show and act like they’re wearing a bank-heisting ski mask.

ILLUSIONS, Michael! 

- Maquel – OMG her hair extensions. Helloooooo Corinne. This girl will 100% be releasing her own fashion line before she tries to find love in Mexico on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.

- Arie’s 60 mph to 0 when Chris talked about the first impression rose was REALLY working for me.

- KIMBERLY: I just need to take a moment and point out that Arie is calling them “girls” and not “women.” Not sure what that means but let’s take a note. (I feel like we're going to circle back to this one)

- Of course the Juvederm girl steals him away first, are we surprised? Also she low-key reminds me of Courtney Robertson,

- OMG ARIE’S “SILLY FACE” WITH CORINNE 2.0 I AM DECEASED. Why did she take a photo and walk away? I love this,

- Who is this down to earth girl that is talking to him by the fire? I can’t even scroll up in my notes to see her name. Probably Lauren. (Update: Jacqueline. Rooting for you, Jackie)

- Brittany… pulls him aside to show him something she has prepared. OMG is it a massage table. Oh hello it’s two Barbie cars. How did she squeeze into that pink car? Arie saying that he would give her a bump is the most charming and human he’s been this whole episode. And now she says that their kiss was the greatest of her life and it was LITERALLY a peck.

- Kendall and the ukulele… Please leave. It’s like it’s so overproduced that she’s not even that nervous and awkward about it and so it just SUCKS. We don’t see her being nervous about it or anything as she sings a garbage song, this is just a straight up dumpster fire.

- Jenna… Who maybe owns a pedicure shop, maybe owns an ice cream shop. GIVE ME MORE OF THIS GIRL.

- Annaliese, Mask girl … We hit the rewind button on Aire’s “Aww, so pretty” no less than nineteen times. Reminds me of the way my dad said it when he saw my lavender cotillion dress in sixth grade, So much disappointment. And I’m sure Annaliese is now mortified that she has a chemistry goggles mask mark on her face. (Also may we NEVER forget the mask guy from Ashley Herbert’s season)

- We are LOVING the white dress that one of the Laurens is wearing but we are definitely ready for her to run for office, not to marry the Bachelor.

- Chelsea has clearly done some pick-ups, cause she’s not wearing her lashes in this interview where she says that she needs more time with Arie… Aaaaand she steals him away again. Hope he enjoyed those lips, cause they have to cost about $300 a month…

- Pink dress girl drew a picture of Arie and said that she was an artist when she was a little girl… THAT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL WHEN EMILY’S SEASON WAS ON.

- Nanny Beckah is a MASTER. She knows all the right questions to ask and all the right looks to give. I think I’m rooting for her?

- Random note about an Ashley… WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS GIRL IS. Seriously have we seen her before?

- Roses went to: Becca, Marique, Kendall, Lauren G, Krystal, Bekah, Lauren S, Sienne, Caroline, Brittani, (Don’t even know how to spell her name) Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B, Ashley, Tia, Maquel

Oh I feel kind of sad about the girl whose dad “met” Arie (but did he really meet him? Asking for a friend. But I think this girl looks too much like Laura Trump for me to feel endeared to her)

GUYS I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS SEASON I 🍩 KNOW HOW TO EVEN. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...