You guys seen Peaky Blinders, yet? Because I am in the middle of season three and I am UNDONE.
Tommy Shelby could slice me with his blade and I would thank him for his time. Y'all holler if you've seen it because I need someone who understands what I'm going through right now.
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| Seriously without remedy, over here... |
I guess I should mention that as I type this, I'm using our WiFi network that is titled "TheFinalRoseTonight," just in case ANYONE ever doubted my fandom for this show.
FINALLY: if anyone watching the show in California ever sees that weather guy on ABC, Jonathan, announcing what weather is upcoming... IT'S THE WEATHERMAN FROM ALI FEDOTOWSKY'S SEASON:
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| True story. |
And honestly he gets more TV time than anyone else in this entire franchise, so bully for him.
Also anyone who listens to Valentine in the Morning on 104.3 MyFM would tell you that Ali Fedotowsky is pregnant because she is married to Kevin Manno, one of the co-hosts of that morning show.
And I've already talked about how Graham Bunn hosts "Graham in the Morning" on GoCountry 105.1...
Basically what I'm trying to say is that every time I get in my car I'm met with the incestuous Bachelor Franchise and I LOVE IT.
Also still haven't consolidated my thoughts about Sarah Hyland dating Wells Adams, but that's neither here nor there.
MOVING ON, SORRY WE GOT OFF TRACK:
We open with Hare coming to tell the women that not everyone gets to go on a date. And apparently none of the women have ever seen this show because they are somehow VERY surprised by this. (Although it's not like Bekah would have seen the show before because she was LITERALLY A FETUS when Emily's season was on...)
So my friend Erica Boozer came over bearing, among other things, those cookie brownie bars from Dominos and I'd gotten up off the couch to fetch one when they started reading the group date card, so I bounded back over to my computer to get the names down. I present to you, without editing, the names I recorded:
Mackel jacklen lauren I TRia Marik Beeca bibana krystal
So my friend Erica Boozer came over bearing, among other things, those cookie brownie bars from Dominos and I'd gotten up off the couch to fetch one when they started reading the group date card, so I bounded back over to my computer to get the names down. I present to you, without editing, the names I recorded:
Mackel jacklen lauren I TRia Marik Beeca bibana krystal
I think my favorite is "TRia." You're welcome.
So it's gonna be a wrestling date. I'm already bored. Also I am sick of watching these women in physically compromising situations. I'm seriously so surprised that there haven't been 293847 ambulance trips this season.
Chris Harrison "introduces" Arie to the "Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor" and I did NOT need to know how much Arie weighs. Also why on EARTH are we calling him the Kissing Bandit? Do they have a deal with Courtney Robertson's book publisher? "Kissing Bandit" was seriously the best wrestling persona that was on their list? (Did I tell you guys how I read her book? Don't worry, I checked it out from the library so I wouldn't have to actually pay for it.) I honestly expected more than "Kissing Bandit" from the producers and editors that brought us THREE different flashbacks to Analiese's traumatic dog experiences. More on that later.
Two former women wrestlers come out and Boozer and I agree that time has been a lot kinder to the “Little Egypt” one than to “Farmer’s Daughter," mercy.
BOOZER: Why isn’t Arie in workout clothes like the girls? He looks like a waiter right now.
Bibiana and Tia are literally crying in the corner… I mean, sure, Little Egypt’s comment about Bibi's mother was pretty off-color for 2018, but HI THIS IS A TV SHOW BIBIANA HELLO.
Chris Harrison "introduces" Arie to the "Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor" and I did NOT need to know how much Arie weighs. Also why on EARTH are we calling him the Kissing Bandit? Do they have a deal with Courtney Robertson's book publisher? "Kissing Bandit" was seriously the best wrestling persona that was on their list? (Did I tell you guys how I read her book? Don't worry, I checked it out from the library so I wouldn't have to actually pay for it.) I honestly expected more than "Kissing Bandit" from the producers and editors that brought us THREE different flashbacks to Analiese's traumatic dog experiences. More on that later.
Two former women wrestlers come out and Boozer and I agree that time has been a lot kinder to the “Little Egypt” one than to “Farmer’s Daughter," mercy.
BOOZER: Why isn’t Arie in workout clothes like the girls? He looks like a waiter right now.
Bibiana and Tia are literally crying in the corner… I mean, sure, Little Egypt’s comment about Bibi's mother was pretty off-color for 2018, but HI THIS IS A TV SHOW BIBIANA HELLO.
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| #PollysPearlsOfWisdom |
I wish that Annaliese was on this date to recall a traumatic wrestling experience, honestly. (Spoiler alert: I got more than I bargained for) OkbutseriouslyWHY is Farmer’s Daughter wearing no makeup? I mean, I’m here for it, (see: Frances McDormand at the Golden Globes) but like… Farmer’s Daughter, at least get some moisturizer or SOMETHING
I’m v concerned by the poor age lines on Maquel’s Lunch Lady face, but props to her for being committed to that mole and everything.
TIA: It’s so sexy to see Arie fight like that
BOOZER: While he still looks like a waiter?
I don’t even care about what’s happening. They are so deeply uncommitted that it’s just wildly uncomfortable. Was there even a strategy to the rounds of fighting? I guess Tia won, apparently? Who cares.
I don’t even have the words for this exchange between Krystal and Arie at the after party right now. She is accusing the other girls of living in a false reality when like... has she even heard herself speak? Does she know what her voice sounds like?
Bibiana goes in for one-on-one time with Arie and starts with “These group dates are so intense because I’m so respectful of people’s time…” and you know what? I have to give her some points for this. It's very obvious what she's doing, but if she HAD to go there, she picked a pretty diplomatic way to do so...
Arie on this group date is honestly like the nice guy who finishes last that’s in your biology class… The guy that you don’t hate talking to, but you definitely don’t want him to take you to prom. And you know his mom is crazy about you but you don't want him to think that it means you guys are going to date. That’s who I feel like he is, when he’s talking to these girls right now. He’s saying so many generalities that I don’t even know how to deal with him.
Arie asks Bekah what her longest relationship is and there’s NO way she can say anything over six months because she is actually 12… Turns out it’s 2 years, but that very well could have been in her SOPHMORE YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL.
BOOZER: I don’t hate her Rizzo vibe.
He gives the rose to... who did he even give the rose to? Bekah? THAT'S how zoned out I was. I think he gave it to Bekah.
OMG KRYSTAL TELLING MARIKH THE NEXT MORNING ABOUT HOW GIRLS ARE INSECURE AROUND HER IS THE KIND OF TV THAT I LIVE FOR. “I’ve had to be a provider and work so many hours and I’m a fighter.” WHAT IS SHE EVEN SAYING I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.
BOOZER: She’s not even drunk, there is literally no excuse for her behavior.
OMG KRYSTAL TELLING MARIKH THE NEXT MORNING ABOUT HOW GIRLS ARE INSECURE AROUND HER IS THE KIND OF TV THAT I LIVE FOR. “I’ve had to be a provider and work so many hours and I’m a fighter.” WHAT IS SHE EVEN SAYING I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.
BOOZER: She’s not even drunk, there is literally no excuse for her behavior.
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| She should call herself a stable genius, while we're at it.. |
One on One:
Lauren S.
Lauren S has genuinely never been outside before. “This nature is amazing. You can hear the wind rustling through the trees. This is a very Lauren S. date” Seriously, I think she's lived in a cellar her whole life.
Lauren and Arie talk about cardigans for SIXTEEN MINUTES and I have lost the ability to even.
Lauren S has genuinely never been outside before. “This nature is amazing. You can hear the wind rustling through the trees. This is a very Lauren S. date” Seriously, I think she's lived in a cellar her whole life.
Lauren and Arie talk about cardigans for SIXTEEN MINUTES and I have lost the ability to even.
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| Actual footage of them |
Boozer pointed out that Lauren S is a “social media manager” and Arie said she has a “really great job” so…. Clearly he must have her confused with one of the OTHER six Laurens… I mean, maybe being a social media manager pays well, seriously whaddu I know.
“There is power in problems. I want to talk to you about my family. My mom got an eye infection. Music is such a big part of my life.” Wooooow these editors are RELENTLESS with Lauren S. Here's the thing: Every ten hour 1-on-1 date probably has this level of conversation. I'm sure most of them genuinely do include obscure anecdotes about maternal eye infections... BUT THOSE PARTS ARE NEVER SHOWN. The fact that the producers chose to show this part of the date is, as the millennials would say: SAVAGE AF.
I guess it's semi-reassuring about Lauren S's future that she apparently knows that she's babbling like a brook, cause some self-awareness is always a plus, but ultimately she couldn't stop her yapping in time, because Arie picked up the rose to tell her he was going to... send her home.
They are playing some different violin music as Lauren S. gets in the exit limo... What is this song? I am now on a mission to find out what song it was and I am mortified that I don’t recognize it. Guys, WHAT IS THIS SONG?!
ARIE: Lauren didn’t really open up to me.
BOOZER: she told you about her mom’s eye infection, Arie!
Krystal was WAY too excited to see the PA come take Lauren’s suitcase.
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| Back off, KrystalBurger |
Group Date:
Ashley, Becca K, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese
Annaliese had a traumatic experience with dogs in her childhood ARE YOU KIDDING ME. (but obviously I'm loving this)
Brittany recognizes Arie's dog and calls it by name and I am HERE for her open admission that she's a stalker and knows the name of his dog.
WHOSE KID IS THAT IN THIS TRAUMATIC DOG FLASHBACK I LOVE THIS
So glad Fred Willard is here. He must have been just wondering around at The Grove that day because there's no way that any serious section of Bachelor Nation is familiar with this movie.But these ARE the same producer's who put somebody's godson onstage last week at The Bradbury and thought it was a thing, so...
Ashley, Becca K, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese
Annaliese had a traumatic experience with dogs in her childhood ARE YOU KIDDING ME. (but obviously I'm loving this)
Brittany recognizes Arie's dog and calls it by name and I am HERE for her open admission that she's a stalker and knows the name of his dog.
WHOSE KID IS THAT IN THIS TRAUMATIC DOG FLASHBACK I LOVE THIS
So glad Fred Willard is here. He must have been just wondering around at The Grove that day because there's no way that any serious section of Bachelor Nation is familiar with this movie.But these ARE the same producer's who put somebody's godson onstage last week at The Bradbury and thought it was a thing, so...
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| Obviously. |
Basically we learned that Chelsea is definitively terrible at giving commands to dogs. And Annaliese is questionably skilled at picking up dog crap.
Arie took them to The Reserve and told them it was “an old bank." YOU ARE AN OLD BANK, ARIE.
Chelsea reminds me way too much of Courtney Robertson. She tells Arie, “I’m here to discover myself through someone else." Seriously what does this even mean? She is using her kid as a pawn and I am NOT into it.
AHHHH ANALIESE’S CONVERSATION WITH HIM I AM SLAIN HE ISN'T GOING TO KISS YOU IF YOU HAVE TO ASK YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHY IS THIS HAPPENINGGGG. Someone hold me.
Arie is pretty drunk at this point. Even his teeth are purple. He thinks that Becca is a dork because she hula hoops with her neck.
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| "Ohhhh I'm soooo dorkyyyy" |
ANNALIESE STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR PALMS BEING SWEATY, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
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| This is all of which I can think... |
Rose Ceremony:
BOOZER: Krystal’s hair is terrible tonight. It’s like slutty Jasmine.
GRACE: WHEN SHE’S TRYING TO SEDUCE JAFAR!! YOU NAILED IT.
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| 🔨🔨🔨 |
Bibiana set up a nice cabana (oh nah nah. Half of my heart is in- NEVERMIND) for some time with Arie and it was usurped by Arie and one of the Laurens... Honestly I felt like I was watching a nightmare version of Serendipity where we never saw the romantic payoff for all the stupid blunders. Seriously - did we even see Bibiana have time with him? After he asked her for more time with Lauren (which she graciously gave him?) I was honestly rooting for Bibiana tonight...
Meanwhile...
ARIE: I am keeping my guard up with you.
BEKAH: Because you know I don’t need you.
GRACE: Wow she’s good.
ARIE: You’re good.
BEKAH: You always choose people who need you. Maybe that’s why you go for the moms.
GRACE and BOOZE: WOOOOOOOW she nailed it.
ARIE: You nailed it right on the… nailed it.
Arie told Tia that he did something special for her… he got hay bales and some moonshine…
ARIE: I am keeping my guard up with you.
BEKAH: Because you know I don’t need you.
GRACE: Wow she’s good.
ARIE: You’re good.
BEKAH: You always choose people who need you. Maybe that’s why you go for the moms.
GRACE and BOOZE: WOOOOOOOW she nailed it.
ARIE: You nailed it right on the… nailed it.
Arie told Tia that he did something special for her… he got hay bales and some moonshine…
1) THE 👏 BACHELOR 👏 NEVER 👏 PLANS 👏 SURPRISES 👏. I always think I'm going to be over the fact that main talent gets to take credit for producing and it still gets me every time. Although I will say - remember that one time Sean Lowe brought out Sarah Herron's dog at a cocktail party? THAT, I believe, was a truly genuine gesture. (Or at least, it was Sean saying "hey can we do something special?" Not a producer pulling him aside and saying "Hey we got some hay bales so you could take credit for doing something special.)
2) Arie thought that... hay bales were romantic? I mean, a plaid blanket and some cricket noises would've done just fine. That poor PA had to schlep to the Westlake Home Depot to pick up this hay... sure hope he wasn't allergic to hay..
Jenna is insane. I don't even know what to say about her. Her kissing was reminiscent of Jamie Otis trying to kiss Ben Flajnik and I 🍩 know how to cope.
I have no words for Annaliese. Truly no words. He gently told her that he wasn't interested in kissing her, and then SOMEHOW Chelsea convinced her to go talk to him AGAIN, as though that would-
OMG CLAIRE DE LUNE. IT WAS DEBUSSEY, WASN’T IT?! The violin music playing during Lauren S's exit. That just came to me. I'm mortified that it took me this long to recognize it. But not as embarrassed as Analiese was when she was turned down by Arie A SECOND TIME and escorted out. I won't miss her nervous laugh.
Roses went to: Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren (is she the only Lauren left?) Brittany, Becca, Sienne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh
Bibana was the only one who didn’t get a rose at this rose ceremony… Which, quite frankly, is kind of embarrassing this early in the game. If Chris Harrison comes out and dismisses you solo, you know it’s bad. Boozer pointed out that she’ll be great with Vinny. I'm SURE we'll see her on BIP.
Jenna is insane. I don't even know what to say about her. Her kissing was reminiscent of Jamie Otis trying to kiss Ben Flajnik and I 🍩 know how to cope.
I have no words for Annaliese. Truly no words. He gently told her that he wasn't interested in kissing her, and then SOMEHOW Chelsea convinced her to go talk to him AGAIN, as though that would-
OMG CLAIRE DE LUNE. IT WAS DEBUSSEY, WASN’T IT?! The violin music playing during Lauren S's exit. That just came to me. I'm mortified that it took me this long to recognize it. But not as embarrassed as Analiese was when she was turned down by Arie A SECOND TIME and escorted out. I won't miss her nervous laugh.
Roses went to: Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren (is she the only Lauren left?) Brittany, Becca, Sienne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh
Bibana was the only one who didn’t get a rose at this rose ceremony… Which, quite frankly, is kind of embarrassing this early in the game. If Chris Harrison comes out and dismisses you solo, you know it’s bad. Boozer pointed out that she’ll be great with Vinny. I'm SURE we'll see her on BIP.
I just wanna end this by saying that the song "Broken" by that angry pop guy and the girl from Evanescence is stuck in my head. Honestly whatever happened to Evanescence? Anyone got a twenty on Amy Lee right now? Johnny. Johnny would know. I'll find out and get back to you guys. Until then: if you're a bird, I'm a bird...
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