On Friday, three people texted me about the Nunes Memo.
By the end of the day, NINE had texted me about the Missing Person story with Bekah M and I just love it all so much that I am honestly without words and I'm not even mad about where priorities were, that day.
Oh except I have these words to say: HER POOR MOTHER!
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| Also... hi, Nose Job, meet Bekah. |
That story is too, too good.
Also too, too good is that I was talking to my friend Frieda about the whole thing at work and then from the corner, some random kid that I’d genuinely never seen before (but apparently watches the show and reads the news) goes “Well I guess she didn’t get a hometown.”
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| Well said, rando guy., |
Ok so the Super Bowl: you guys know how much I love Pink. She killed it. AND you guys also know how much the production and logistics of the Super Bowl STRESS. ME. OUT. And I’m so glad that there weren’t any missteps or loose screws or wardrobe malfunctions. I don’t know what these haters were expecting from JT’s performance, but I thought he did a great job.
Also... just a life update... this is where my computer stands right now. It doesn't really close.
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| Send halp. Or a new laptop. |
OK MOVING ON TO WE WERE STAYING IN PARIS TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR PARENTS:
(If we go down then we go down together)
OMG Harrison is giving us SO MUCH REALNESS on this Parisian park bench right now! I don’t know why he needs to talk to Arie and I don’t know how it’s possible that Arie has more grey hair, but give us MORE HARE.
Chris appears to the girls on… a boat. To tell them that there will be 2 one on ones, a 2 on 1 and a group date. Anyone who is surprised by this may show themselves out. Tia reads the first date card and it goes to Lauren B. Who the internet has discovered looks conspicuously like Lauren B. from Ben’s season, but be still my heart because Ben is tied with Sean Lowe for my fave Bachelor ever and I’m single, Ben, please call me.
One on One: Lauren B.
I am so deeply bored by Lauren B on this date and just in general that it is almost unreal. Why is she even here? In the Living Room Peanut Gallery, we discussed the merits of Lauren B being “pretty,” and how that is honestly worse than being plain, because at least plain girls are, in fact, so plain that that they have other things to offer, besides their looks.
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| Apparently it is, to Arie. |
Meanwhile Krystal is daring to talk about a girl “not speaking in her voice’ right now and… THE AUDACITY!! I can't even really dignify this remark with further comment.
Arie and Lauren proceed to go on a date that is ALMOST as awkward as Shawn B’s final date with Kaitlyn, where the editors were trying to make us think that she chose Nick (sorry, quick detour to acknowledge the fact that somehow Nick was the runner up TWO DIFFERENT TIMES and THEN was on BIP and THEN he was the Bachelor, and if you don’t think this is the greatest franchise of all time, period, then you haven’t lived) and Arie tells us:“I get the sense that Lauren might not be that into me.” Just a quick body language update: he scratched his neck as he said that, which a self-soothing gesture. It’s meant to calm the nervous system. He is uncomfortable about this girl and I cannot for the life of me figure out why.
LAUREN: There were so many people around us today. It kind of freaked me out.
KELLY: Oh the people? You mean the people living their life? Was that hard for you?
ARIE: It’s hard for you to open up.
LAUREN: You’re very observant.
GRACE: IS HE, THOUGH?
IT TAKES HER SIX MONTHS TO TRUST SOMEONE, YOU GUYS. Is that... six months to trust EVERYONE? Including her dentist and car mechanic? Or just potential fiances? This was such a vague one to throw out there.
Ok. Wait… Waaaaait this story from Arie right now. WHAT IS HAPPENING why is he telling her THIS? Why is he telling HER this? WHY IS HE TELLING HER THIS?!
Honestly… my takeaway from these two is that: I don’t want to see them together. I mean, TOGETHER, together. I see them as having a mentor/mentee relationship. Like, cool, sit down and illuminate each other’s lives, but I’m not interested in whether you’re going to kiss or not. And by the way – there is absolutely ZERO chance that Arie came up with deciding to tell her that story on his own. A producer pulled him aside and said “She’s afraid to open up. Tell her a vulnerable story and she’ll be less scared.” He happened to choose the MOST VULNERABLE ONE OF ALL.
Group Date:
Becca K, Bekah M, Sienne, Tia, Chelsea, Jenna
The fact that Jenna is still even here:
The only thing that matters to me about the Moulin Rouge scene is that they went there in Anastasia and watched the girls do the Can-Can.
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| When you think you can't, you'll find you Can-Can.. |
If you want to tell me that there is a male animated lead more dashing and charming than Dimitri, I will legit FIGHT YOU.
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| I'll never know why his shirt sleeves were like that but I won't question it... |
I would like to point out that I took a Buzzfeed quiz about which contestant I am this season and I got… Sienne. Which honestly makes a painful amount of sense. The academic one in the Friend Zone. Just like on the Bachelor in Paradise quiz I got… Wells. The funny one in the Friend Zone. Whatever.
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| Friend Zone. Easy Target. |
These girls trying to Can-Can right now is 11/10 relatable. Tia saying “I got this part… and then NOPE…” Is me, every day at Zumba. I would make a reference here about how love is like Zumba or choreography but unlike the contestants on this show, I’m not constantly fed one liners by the producers, so I cannot oblige you…
Quick side note: maybe we just thought Arie seemed like a good kisser on Emily’s season because he was compared to other guys… (circa that one dude Doug that Emily had to dump at the castle...) Cause I’m getting SO tired of watching him maul these girls’ faces off.
ARIE: Bekah, M… I’d love you to have this rose.
KELLY: A rose… For Bekah’s nose (job)
TIA: She’s getting all this extra time with him
GRACE: You’re mad about this stage time with him?
KELLY: She’s perfect for this freak weird thing, be glad you don’t have to do it!
Are we... Are we just going to ignore the fact that Arie had to go onstage and lip sync and... You guys WHAT WAS THAT?! He was seriously worse than Lizzie McGuire, the first time Paolo tries to teach her how to lip sync.
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| This is what dreams are made of. |
I should now take a break in this date to inform you that according to Laruen B’s bio (that we felt the need to look up on ABC.com, when faced with the question “If you could be any fictional character, who would you be?” She said…
Wait. Wait a minute. Whiiiiile I’ve got you here – what would you answer be? Seriously – think about it. Our LRPG answers included Hermione, Katniss, and Elizabeth Bennet
Lauren’s answer is…
“Elsa… because I’ve always wanted to be a Disney Princess.”
THIS👏IS👏NOT👏A👏JOKE,👏PEOPLE👏
Back to your regularly scheduled programming:
TWO ON ONE: Krystal and Kendall
Meanwhile, back on the (literal) boat, Krystal gets the date card. Honestly I have more questions about what the heck she’s wearing, than I do about the date.
MADISON: Is it a stretched out tank top?
KELLY: I think she’s wearing two unitards.
MADISON: Oh that could be it. Amazing that she picked this out and said “this looks good on me.”
Ok so are the girls staying on a boat? Is that the gist? Is it a boat hotel? A hotel boat? Too bad Annaliese isn’t there – you KNOW that girl would have some boat trauma to dig up for us…
Look, I’m gonna be honest with you: the Living Room Peanut gallery doesn’t hate Krystal’s outfit on this date, I have to admit. It’s pretty cute. They wander around a mansion that Arie probably told them is “vintage,” just like the Bradbury building and CAN WE GET ON WITH IT PLEASE.
Whoaaaa did you guys see that Shawn B and Kaitlyn commercial for Reddi Whip? WOOF.
KENDALL IS SPITTING SOME TRUTH AT US RIGHT NOW: “Saying the thing that’s most hurtful doesn’t necessarily mean that you win.” MY JAW IS ON THE FLOOR AT HER REALNESS. I can think of one Twitter user that could use this little nugget of wisdom, anyone else?
Krystal had a weird conversation with Arie where she whined, crunched her neck and told him Kendall wasn’t ready for marriage. YAWN CITY, USA. Arie told Kendall what Krystal said, because this is a TV show and this is a two on one date and there needs to be some drama and…
And what we proceeded to see Kendall do is something that is GENUINELY unprecedented in the history of this show. She called Krystal out with such surgical precision that I am honestly surprised there was any piece of Krystal left. She told her that she had no real reason to say that she wasn’t ready for marriage OH BUT SHE DIDN’T STOP THERE. Truly, TRULY this was unprecedented: we saw Kendall proceed to BUILD 👏KRYSTAL👏UP👏 and tell her that she was a beautiful human and it was worth it to embrace her imperfections. Honestly I wonder what Krystal thought as she watched this tonight. Because we didn’t see the raw footage, but the way that the editors made Krystal come off, WHEN MY GIRL KENDALL WAS CALMLY OFFERING SOME TRUTH AND INSIGHT TO HER, is just insane. Literally: insane. Krystal looks insane! She sat down at dinner with Kendall later and said “I don’t need your advice” and then told Arie “this whole journey has been “Indescribable but magical and worth it.” On a scale of one to ten… I can’t.
KENDAL IS THE QUEEN OF MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I AM LIVING FOR HER RIGHT NOW. Next year the State of the Union address should just be what she sat down and said to Krystal. Kamala Harris and Kendall 2020, you guys. THIS IS HOW WE SHOULD ALL BE LIVING OUR LIVES.
To quote Kelly Clarkson quoting Michelle Obama: WHEN👏THEY👏GO👏LOW👏WE👏GO👏HIGH👏
Aaaaand Bekah just compared Krystal to Trump. The wheels came off so long ago I don’t even know where we are anymore. Arie gives the rose to Kendall and I am already popping my popcorn for Krystal on the Women Tell All.
Did you guys see what kind of rose that Kendal was holding as they went up the Eiffel Tower? It was like it lost all the petals. And then she and Arie proceeded to suck face because… honestly they were trying to avoid having a seizure from all those flashing lights. Or they were wishing they were this:
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| (S/O to a lovesick Dimitri in the background) |
Quick statistics update: Carolyn has wished that Arie would be hit by a bus… no less than 19 times tonight.
One on One Date: Jacqueline
So the two of them hop into a car that proceeds to break down and Jay-Kwellan hits us with: “It is hot when guys who know things about things do things about things..." Which is almost as nonsensical as a certain someone giving remarks about the Nunes Memo from the Oval Office last week...
Honestly why wasn't this an Anastasia-In-Paris themed date? Why didn't he put her in THIS dress?
Or even this one?
But seriously... is Jay-Kwellen drunk right now? Why is she so awkward and why has she rubbed off half the day's worth of makeup? She tells Arie“I’m worried I’m an experiment and not someone I’m excited about," which... I have to say... isn't the most UNrelatable thing we've ever heard from a contestant on this show...
Carolyn aptly pointed out: Arie basically brought her on this date to say “You’re getting your PhD… and that doesn’t work for me.”
Ohhhhh but then in a weird twist, she got a rose. Ok. Interesting.
Rest of the roses went to: Tia, Sienne, Becca K.
The LRPG was expecting the rose to go to Chelsea, not Sienne.... but GIRL BYE.
I guess we also thought that Arie would dismiss her early, as the leads are wont to do with single parents on this show, but not for Chelsea!
I will leave you with these two things:
1) never forget that during "Paris Holds the Key to Your Heart," the line goes "Come dance through the night, and forget all your woes - a city of lights!" and that RANDOM DUDE goes "WHERE A ROSE IS... A ROSE!" I'll try to find a screen grab for next week.
2) Seems fit for us to end with this image:
(Sorry I'm not sorry for all the Anastasia references this week. Forgot I had so much passion for that movie within me.)
Oh - this is where my computer is, right now. the "ON" button straight up FELL OFF this morning. My birthday is in a little over a month, HINT HINT
If you're a bird, I'm a bird...
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