A Rose by Any Other Name...

Ok let's get the most important thing out of the way: Arie's 24601 tattoo. Refinery 29 did a great breakdown of this story. In the midst of viciously partisan government shutdowns, potential obstructions of justice on all sides, and the constant threat of global uproar due to climate change, it's important to remember the critical things: 

http://www.refinery29.com/2017/12/185675/arie-luyendyk-bachelor-les-miserables-tattoo

Also 63 more days 'til Comey's book comes out. Also everybody beware and don't be fooled by Russian bots before the 2018 midterms. (I really feel like the best thing we can do is all call our Aunt Marma up in Michigan and warn her against the trolls... I don't even have an Aunt Marma in Michigan but if I did, you know she'd have the wool pulled over her eyes by the bots...) 

Let's start with a shout-out to the producer who somehow convinced Lauren B to look at the tower in Pisa and ask: “Why do you think it’s leaning?”

Honestly it's like Lauren B is somehow the contestant that America has earned. No one knows why she's here. Or how she got this far. Or why she has NEVER understood structural and foundation issues with architecture, but alas. Here we are. We deserve her. 

I love that Hare meets the girls in the public square. Could they please stage the scene where Romeo kills Tybalt, right here? I feel like this is the street square where that scene took place. Hare could quote Romeo to them: "Courage man, the hurt cannot be much..." 🌹🌹🌹🌹

So then we see the beginning of Jacqueline's downward spiral and we come to understand that she doesn’t know if she’s in love with Arie or in love with being in love… Aaaaaand we now OFFICIALLY know that Jacqueline is too smart for Arie and for this show.

JACQUELINE: I’m not sure I can visualize his conversation with my parents.

JOHNNY: I think she’s ashamed of him. Is that what’s happening?

One on One: Becca K 

Ok look I'm  just gonna be really vulnerable with you guys: I didn’t wanna rush into things. I wanted to take it slow... but I DEVOURED a whole serving of pot stickers, just now. In about five minutes. Our current Living Room Peanut Gallery consists of Carolyn, Madison, Kelly, a whole bunch of Chinese food and... Everyone's favorite participant: JOHNNY LANGAN! The only way I really know how to provide the rest of the commentary on this episode is with direct quotes. Get ready. 

Arie and Becca wander around whatever town in Italy this is, even though they've been in Pisa but are trying to peddle it to us as Tuscany, WHATEVER. He has pushed her up against a wall to palm her skull and make out with her NO LESS than 24,601 times. 

JOHNNY: Did you see that tattoo, Grace? She loves the Lord.

GRACE: That tattoo doesn’t mean she loves the Lord.

CAROLYN: What is it? A cross?

GRACE: Maybe it’s a T. We don’t know that it’s a cross.

JOHNNY: A “T” for what? Treasure? You think she walks around saying “This is a T for treasure?” Come on.

Arie pushes Becca against a(nother) wall. Apparently this is his ONLY move because we spent Emily's season watching him do it. Becca gets a rose to secure a hometown date. 

JOHNNY: I feel like I could feed him a bowl of dog food, tell him it’s really good, and he’d eat it and agree with me. He seems so earnest and eager to please.

Jacqueline proceeds to spiral out of control and decides to leave the show. Just a quick note about graceful exits - y'all remember Megan Bell from Farmer Chris's season? They were in Arizona or some random southwest state and she was just like, "Hi, I think I'm gonna go, bye!" We understood that she was leaving, no one was uncomfortable, and no one missed her. Mah gurl Jacqueline could've taken a note from Ms. Bell. Cause this was a whole lot of... something. First of all, she walked in there WITH HER HANDS IN HER SWEATER, which is the same way I walk into the living room when I need to ask Big Daddy for money. (LOL totally kidding I never ask BD for money)

She gets into the room and immediately starts downing wine. And I do mean CHUGGING. And it becomes very clear that Arie wants to be the one that breaks up with girls. 

GRACE: Oh he does not want to be broken up with. 

JOHNNY: Well who does? 

GRACE: No I mean that he can't stand for someone else to have the power. He wants the break up on HIS terms... 

CAROLYN: Yeah, someone is getting real defensive... 

ARIE: So are you not interested in me or are you scared of me?

CAROLYN: (as Arie) I just wanna make sure that it’s not about me, k thx bb. 

JOHNNY: (also as Arie) Yes, why DON’T you nuzzle my chest right now?

Kendall proceeds to have a stage IV breakdown about Jacqueline’s departure. Bursts into tears. Which is also a callback to Catherine crying when Sean Lowe sent My Best Friend Lesley home before hometowns. But it looks like Lez is gonna do JUUUUUST fine with DeanieBabies on Bachelor Winter Games, so whatevs. 

JACQUELINE: I feel like I kind of suck at being happy.

CAROLYN: Aw man, this is where I kind of get sad on this show. 

One on One: Lauren B

Apparently Lauren has never actually been on a bike before. Or seen a wall. Or consumed food. Johnny is growing increasingly concerned that we haven't seen any ACTUAL conversations with Arie, on this episode, just him talking about what is currently happening with the women. Literally saying "So these bikes are fun" AS THEY ARE RIDING BIKES. The LRPG approves of Arie's bike tricks, just for the record. 

ARIE: Have you ever played soccer?

LAUREN: Yeah when I was a kid.

KELLY: Which was literally five years ago.

This champagne glass of Lauren’s at dinner is legit the size of her head.

Lauren told Arie that she was falling in love with him. And he walked away. The whole living room surmises that he just had to take a leak. He came back to the table and gave her a rose but we fully expected him to say "Yeah I really just had to take a piss..." 

One on One: Sienne

I feel like a shirt that is ripped all the way down the middle is... NOT the best thing to wear to go truffle hunting… But I've never hunted truffles nor have I been on a single date in Italy, so whaddu I know? 

What I DO know is that we all love the dogs way more than we like Arie or Sienne. They find like, three truffles then head back to the house to cook a meal that ended up looking AMAZING. 

ARIE: I used to work at a pizza place.

KELLY: YOU WORKED AT PIZZA HUT, ARIE. I HATE YOU.

Fun fact: Kelly legit met this kid last weekend. 

SIENNE: (nervous laugh) This family keeps talking about love.

CAROLYN: You came on a reality show about love, do you think they wouldn’t talk about it.

JOHNNY: Send her home! She’s got life behind her eyes!

ARIE: I love the way love makes me feel and I love the culture.

JOHNNY: That sounds like my USC application that I wrote in 15 minutes later.

ARIE: I’m trying to be Logic.

GRACE: Like the singer? Isn't that a singer? 

KELLY: I’m trying to be logic, and emotion and also Common….

KELLY: I just think Sienne could do better.

GRACE: Oh she deserves way better, for sure.

KELLY: No I mean at PRETENDING that she wants to be here.

GRACE: Oh. Also very valid point. 

Sienne didn't get a rose. Then we saw a commercial WITH Common, and had forgotten all about Sienne... SIENNARA! 

3 ON 1: Bekah, Tia, & Kendall

Tia is so bored on this season that she has resorted to plotting to throw Bekah under the bus. Which kind of works, kind of doesn't. Who even knows anymore. Then she's STILL so bored that she decides to TELL BEKAH that she has attempted a bus throw. Bekah tries to cry about it. No really, that's what happens.

GRACE: Bekah was trying harder to cry than Minka Kelly did in season one of Friday Night Lights.

KELLY: Oh that was so good. God bless season one. And at least it was raining and so it looked like she was crying...
GRACE: Are you sure it was raining? I don't think it was raining... 

Update: we checked. There was no rain. But Tim Riggins 4eva.

Another update: Tim Riggins hair was wet. From sweating. But it was kind of always wet. From sweating. 

At this point Kelly and I spent at least four minutes of our lives that we will never get back watching a wonderfully crappy "Tim + Lyla = their story" video on youtube. Highly recommend this.

The only thing I have to say about Kendall on this date is that she's really into... the Bachelor. But she's not into Arie. She's like a really good canned script, saying all the right things to end up in the final two. Is it gonna come down between her and Lauren B? Kendall is still my favorite on this show, but her level of interest doesn't at all actually match up to who Arie is as a person. It's kind of baffling. But this show is such a snoozefest that I'm also kind of into it. 

CAROLYN: Bekah’s outfit is like… slutty Amish, or something.

JOHNNY: I prefer the term “prairie hipster”

BEKAH: My family knows me so well. I talk to them about everything all the time.

CAROLYN: Oh like how you ran away from home and were a MISSING PERSON?

BEKAH: I have grey hair!

ARIE: You old woman!

KELLY: Aww, they have so much in common.

Arie gives Kendall a rose. The Living Room is nearly asleep with boredom right now. Or maybe it's just a post-pot sticker coma. 

GRACE: This interaction with Bekah after dinner right now… It’s like it’s the movie scene where her character is dying…

JOHNNY: She’s Eponine! A little fall of rain! 24601! 

We proceeded to sing Les Miz for the rest of the night. Didn't even hear another word. Bekah didn't get a rose. She pretended to cry about it but cried ZERO actual tears. She really just could've offered a crying voice, not done the heaving and the sobbing sounds, cause that just made the whole thing way too fake... 

Can't wait for some fried armadillos, next week. Let the taxidermy jokes abound! 

If you're a (stuffed) bird, I'm a (stuffed) bird...