Quick Poll: Bekah M's tears last week... real or fake? I know we saw that one crocodile tear fall down her face, but other than that, we saw NO 👏ACTUAL👏TEARS👏. I have been feuding with my boss about it for over a week now because he is saying I don't have a heart and I'm telling him he's being hoodwinked by Bekah... what do you guys think? Seriously - holler at me.
A few pop culture things we need to discuss:
- I had to take a personal day last Wednesday to mourn the loss of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux's marriage. And by "mourn the loss of" I mean "go to the spa and get a hydration-rejuvenation facial because I need to be READY to sweep Theroux off his feet. (Are hydration-rejuvenation facials a thing? I think they are)
- I'm reading this amazing book right now called Text Me When You Get Home and it's about the amazing bond of female friendships and you all should read it, ASAP. (And to my .07 male readers, maybe you should read it to further your understanding of how AMAZING women are)
https://www.amazon.com/Text-When-You-Get-Home/dp/1101986123
https://www.amazon.com/Text-When-You-Get-Home/dp/1101986123
- Fergie's national anthem... YOU GUYS WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?! I am still left speechless by it, to be quite honest. I really don't even know where to begin. Except that she should fire the person who bolted awake in the dead of night and thought "I KNOW! Fergie should do a fresh take on the national anthem!" (Spoiler alert: YOU SHOULD NEVER DO A FRESH TAKE ON THE NATIONAL ANTHEM)
- Johnny and I partook in our annual Valentine's Day tradition of dinner and a terrible movie this weekend. Which means I HAVEN'T seen Black Panther yet, but I HAVE seen Fifty Shades Freed. Two things I have to say: 1) Johnny, sorry for aggressively punching you in the arm over and over again while Jamie Dornan sang "Maybe I'm Amazed" because I was so uncomfortable that all I could do was sock you in the arm, 2) Honestly everyone who wants to go into screenwriting should see this movie because it is a fascinating study of... how to have ZERO plot. I'm not even joking there was NOT a single plot line in this movie and it was kind of insane and awe-inducing. I have lots of thoughts on the actors in the movie and I'm happy to share them with anyone, but WE MUST GET TO THE HOMETOWN DATES WITH FUTURE MUELLER-INDICTEE, Bachelor Bland Man.
Living Room Peanut Gallery tonight: Carolyn, Kelly, Erica (Boozer) and Lennyn
KENDALL:
Well I CAN confirm that Kendall DID grow up in Los Angeles because my friend Eric went to high school with her. He maybe dated her, I'm not really sure. I'll try and get more details. Last week I sat in Eric's office for a solid twenty minutes as I flipped through US Weekly and gave commentary about every single page (Sorry, Eric + everyone in that office. But they made it seem on the cover like Carrie Underwood's husband abuses her and I just can't stand for false advertising)
What I can NOT confirm is Kendall being into taxidermy right now. They legit found a warehouse with a bunch of dead animals. Kendall has probably touched ONE dead animal in her whole lifetime (Eric says she wasn't into dead animals in high school)
CAROLYN: I wonder if I’d be allergic to those… dead animals.
Is NO ONE going to try and fix Kendall up with Kirk's dad from Ali Fedotowsky's season? Because this is absolutely NOT the first room full of dead animals that we've experienced on this show.
Honestly this wigged-out-by-dead-animals Arie is the MOST real we’ve seen him. He is SO uncomfortable around these dead animals and it’s the most charming he’s been because it is the most emotion he’s shown, maybe ever.
To the Production Assistant that made the diorama of Paris for the dead rats to get married in…. I see you and I salute you.
ARIE: if Kendall and I get married, she can have her taxidermy room and I can work on cars.
BOOZER: And you kids will go to school and tell EVERYONE how weird you guys are.
Yeah ok we need to talk about Kendall's breathing. Why is she always out of breath? The acting teacher that lives deep down inside of me and rears her head at mostly inopportune moments would interrupt Kendall's scene right now and make her do some mega breathing exercises. She is not in her body nor is she on her breath. If you don't know what those terms mean then take an Intro to Acting class and get back to me.
Kind of hard to believe that NO ONE saw fit to make a Kendall and Kylie joke, but that is, in fact, the name of her twin sister. Glad they at least did their hair differently, so Arie could tell them apart. You know he's so brainless that he'd start hitting on the other one if they looked similar enough.
Furry white throw aside, this patio furniture that they're sitting on 100% came from Ralph’s.
Glad the producer’s talked the sister into giving Arie an energy reading. Also love that sister wore the platform shoes that I had in sixth grade. Kylie just gets better and better.
LENNYN: I feel like Kendall is going to pass out at any moment.
KENDALL: It’s hard for me to talk about emotions
CAROLYN: Is it?
BOOZER: Cause you were pretty articulate with Krystal…
TIA
Honestly this wigged-out-by-dead-animals Arie is the MOST real we’ve seen him. He is SO uncomfortable around these dead animals and it’s the most charming he’s been because it is the most emotion he’s shown, maybe ever.
To the Production Assistant that made the diorama of Paris for the dead rats to get married in…. I see you and I salute you.
ARIE: if Kendall and I get married, she can have her taxidermy room and I can work on cars.
BOOZER: And you kids will go to school and tell EVERYONE how weird you guys are.
Yeah ok we need to talk about Kendall's breathing. Why is she always out of breath? The acting teacher that lives deep down inside of me and rears her head at mostly inopportune moments would interrupt Kendall's scene right now and make her do some mega breathing exercises. She is not in her body nor is she on her breath. If you don't know what those terms mean then take an Intro to Acting class and get back to me.
Kind of hard to believe that NO ONE saw fit to make a Kendall and Kylie joke, but that is, in fact, the name of her twin sister. Glad they at least did their hair differently, so Arie could tell them apart. You know he's so brainless that he'd start hitting on the other one if they looked similar enough.
Furry white throw aside, this patio furniture that they're sitting on 100% came from Ralph’s.
Glad the producer’s talked the sister into giving Arie an energy reading. Also love that sister wore the platform shoes that I had in sixth grade. Kylie just gets better and better.
LENNYN: I feel like Kendall is going to pass out at any moment.
KENDALL: It’s hard for me to talk about emotions
CAROLYN: Is it?
BOOZER: Cause you were pretty articulate with Krystal…
TIA
Tia is “challenging herself” to “do things outside her comfort zone” and Arie is LOVING it. What he’s really loving is that he gets to drive a race car. I'm honestly more impressed by the fact that I remembered that "race car" is a palindrome. Cars kicking up dust is very unmoving to me.
Tia tells Arie who he will be meeting at her house… And I need to say right now that every good play that’s ever been written has a cousin named Rhonda….
LENNYN: Her mom is really giving me Barbara Streisand in Meet the Fockers.
Honestly it’s great that they’re raising pigs in a blanket to toast to Tia and "Airy" as her dad called him.
Tia tells Arie who he will be meeting at her house… And I need to say right now that every good play that’s ever been written has a cousin named Rhonda….
LENNYN: Her mom is really giving me Barbara Streisand in Meet the Fockers.
Honestly it’s great that they’re raising pigs in a blanket to toast to Tia and "Airy" as her dad called him.
 |
| Raise 'em up. |
Tia’s dad’s mustache is EPIC. Arie is certainly more engaged with Tia’s dad than he was with Kendall’s. Don't really know what that means, but it's a fact.
Apparently this has already made the rounds on social media, but Lennyn aptly pointed out that Tia’s mom’s spirit canine is:
I am unmoved by Tia's brother. He was trying to be intimidating like the producers wanted him to be, but he said nothing of substance.
BECCA:
The whole Living Room Peanut Gallery decided that we need to go to an apple orchard ASAP. Carolyn said she'd never had a desire to go and pick apples... but then we saw the apple slingshot and caramel apples and were SOLD.
Arie is 100% more himself with Becca than he is with Kendall or Tia. Again, he is Bachelor Bland Man, and so I don't even think this is particularly telling, but it's definitely a fact.
Arie goes into meet Becca's family, sits down with Uncle Gary, who proceeds to have his body turned COMPLETELY away from Arie, on the couch right now. Doesn't seem too engaging for a pastor?
Arie proceeds to tell Uncle Gary that he "isn't as far along in his faith' as Becca, but he would go to church with her. Aaaaaand this is where I call the game and tell you that it will NEVER work out between these two. Bye!
Where’s Becca’s sister?
Becca’s mom coming in STRONG with the thoughtful question: in successful relationships that you know, what makes it work?
Another fact: Arie DOES use the word “wife” with Becca more than anyone else.
Becca tells Arie that he is "stealing pieces of her heart” I can get into that, but I feel like Becca is so hopeful that this is all a set up. He's gonna pick Lauren B, right? Ugh. He's the worst.
Lauren B
Arie proceeds to tell Uncle Gary that he "isn't as far along in his faith' as Becca, but he would go to church with her. Aaaaaand this is where I call the game and tell you that it will NEVER work out between these two. Bye!
Where’s Becca’s sister?
Becca’s mom coming in STRONG with the thoughtful question: in successful relationships that you know, what makes it work?
Another fact: Arie DOES use the word “wife” with Becca more than anyone else.
Becca tells Arie that he is "stealing pieces of her heart” I can get into that, but I feel like Becca is so hopeful that this is all a set up. He's gonna pick Lauren B, right? Ugh. He's the worst.
Lauren B
The Living Room Peanut gallery has SO many strong thoughts about Lauren. I kept saying how I think Arie is going to pick her because... she's so pretty, Finally Carolyn goes "I really don't think she's that pretty. You think she's the prettiest one there? No way." And upon reflection, I realized: "No I don't think she's the prettiest one there, but I think Arie does. Lauren is the kind of pretty that guys are just INTO, even though she's a total dullard..."
KELLY: Maybe he likes her because she’s SO bland that it makes him feel interesting. He thinks “I’M SO DYNAMIC COMPARED TO THIS BRICK WALL”
The two of them puttered around Virginia Beach and I am mega bored.
Lennyn pointed out that this lighthouse has the word “slay” written on one of the windows. If we could spend ZERO more time watching them make out, I'd be pleased.
Anyone else find it kind of startling that Arie has apparently NEVER met ANYONE in the military? Then at dinner he suddenly stepped away from the table because he is having a full on MELTDOWN. WHY DOES HE LIKE LAUREN B SO MUCH I FEEL LIKE THIS IS SUCH A BAD INDICATION OF THE STATE OF MEN IN AMERICA.
Ooohhhhh then he REALLY won Dad over with his ONE story about seeing Air Force planes. Thank you for your service, Lauren's Dad, but HOW could he be so easily won over?
Laruen’s mom asked him some questions and… then shook Arie's hand. Then held Lauren's hand as she... cried about how similar she is to Arie. No, that isn't hyperbole, that is TRULY why she was crying.
LAUREN: Mom he’s so much like me. I can look at him in a room of 15 girls and know what he’s thinking.
GRACE: ANYONE can tell you what a guy in a room of fifteen girls is thinking. He’s thinking “I’m a guy in a room full of fifteen girls.”
Ooohhhhh then he REALLY won Dad over with his ONE story about seeing Air Force planes. Thank you for your service, Lauren's Dad, but HOW could he be so easily won over?
Laruen’s mom asked him some questions and… then shook Arie's hand. Then held Lauren's hand as she... cried about how similar she is to Arie. No, that isn't hyperbole, that is TRULY why she was crying.
LAUREN: Mom he’s so much like me. I can look at him in a room of 15 girls and know what he’s thinking.
GRACE: ANYONE can tell you what a guy in a room of fifteen girls is thinking. He’s thinking “I’m a guy in a room full of fifteen girls.”
Rose Ceremony:
OMG THERE IS A BENCH OUTSIDE THE MANSION FOR THE GOODBYE. If that doesn't shake the girls up when they walk in then I don't know what will.
ARIE: this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
GRACE: Is it?
ARIE: It really is.
GRACE: Did he hear me through Alexa? I'm not even mad.
ARIE: This is really hard. I need a minute.
GRACE: Is he gonna have another panic attack?
LENNYN: I honestly hope so. It would make things way more interesting.
OMG THERE IS A BENCH OUTSIDE THE MANSION FOR THE GOODBYE. If that doesn't shake the girls up when they walk in then I don't know what will.
ARIE: this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
GRACE: Is it?
ARIE: It really is.
GRACE: Did he hear me through Alexa? I'm not even mad.
ARIE: This is really hard. I need a minute.
GRACE: Is he gonna have another panic attack?
LENNYN: I honestly hope so. It would make things way more interesting.
He pulls Kendall aside... the other girls huddle and I love their whisper strategizing… And how Laruen B has contributed NOTHING.
KELLY: Cause she knows she has it in the bag!
Kendall gets the final rose.
HARE: Tia, I’m sorry, take a moment, say your goodbyes.,
BOOZER: Tamara will be waiting outside for you.
Tia… we feel for you, we are WITH YOU, we are ALL Tia. And on that note of solidarity, I want to leave you with this depressing Washington Post piece, about the bird version of Tia:
KELLY: Cause she knows she has it in the bag!
Kendall gets the final rose.
HARE: Tia, I’m sorry, take a moment, say your goodbyes.,
BOOZER: Tamara will be waiting outside for you.
Tia… we feel for you, we are WITH YOU, we are ALL Tia. And on that note of solidarity, I want to leave you with this depressing Washington Post piece, about the bird version of Tia:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/animalia/wp/2018/02/02/nigel-the-worlds-loneliest-bird-dies-next-to-the-concrete-decoy-he-loved/
IF YOU'RE A BIRD I'M A BIRD...
Wait… Guys… Arie and the rats right now. This is so charming! I don’t even know how to cope with this! And then the Krystal rat! I am slain. God bless America. This is the Arie that we want and that we will NEVER have.
Wait… Guys… Arie and the rats right now. This is so charming! I don’t even know how to cope with this! And then the Krystal rat! I am slain. God bless America. This is the Arie that we want and that we will NEVER have.
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