Tuesday, February 11, 2014

She'll Just Keep Dancing Like She's.... 22

Let me be clear: it would be embarrassing if I had to say to my roommates “guys, can we turn off the Olympics? I know they’re only one once every four years, but El Pollo Loco is on tonight, kthanks…”

…But I didn’t say that.

My darling roommates said “Guys, we need to turn off the Olympics. The girls are in New Zeland tonight..." That made me so happy. It was like I was Dez, on Cloud 9. "Like, imagine the best dream you've ever had. Now times that by ten. Now LIVE IN IT."

Ahem, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

This post is dedicated to Wendy Upchurch Farmer. I have never met Wendy in my life. But she reads my commentary. And while girls like Clare and Andi say things like, "I just want someone to take care of me. Someone to care, you know?" I say, "I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO THINK I'M FUNNY." 

Here's to you, Wendy.

Pollo Loco Takes New Zealand

- I'll admit: the aerial views of New Zealand were pretty breathtaking. And somehow I feel like we were probably seeing the shoddy side of NZ, because you KNOW El Bachelore Intern Jacob was barfing out the side of the helicopter while trying to direct the aerial footage, fighting one of the worst hangovers of his life, after trying to drink Hare under the table on their last night in 'Nam...

- Kat informed us that they were staying in, “one of the most exclusive resorts in the entire world.” I knew she was prone to bring up her alcoholic father at seemingly inopportune moments, but I didn't know that she was also prone to hyperbole...

- CASSANDRA IS INCAPABLE OF SAYING THE PABLO, IN ‘JUAN PABLO.' Clearly she hasn't even been in school long enough to learn that sometimes people have double names cause she's obviously NINE YEARS OLD. 

(I'm kidding. She's not nine. But she is (as of the day of her group date, actually) just now old enough to rock out to Taylor Swift's "22." That's right. She's younger than Joe Jonas/Jake Gyllenhaal/John Mayer/Harry Styles' ex-girlfriend...)

- The girls are in awe of the scenery (rightfully so) but “for some reason,” there’s a dark cloud over Clare right now… I WONDER WHY. I'm no meteorologist, but I'm PRETTY SURE that an oceanic romp and some good ole slut-shaming have the makings of a pretty nasty cumulonimbus cloud...

- Ohhhh wait, wait: eight minutes in, Cassandra says the PABLO. Look at our little girl, growing up so fast!

- Cassandra laments that it’s hard to feel like this whole thing is worth her while when she has a son back at home, and she’s dating a guy who is dating other women… DID NO ONE TELL HER THAT THIS WAS THE PREMISE OF THE SHOW?!?
Also, it took approximately ninety five seconds for that goopy, mascara-infused tear drop to fall from her eyelashes, just now. Not to mention... her stoic expression, combined with Renee’s, as they mutually weep over their children and their defense mechanisms… is odd.

One On One Date: Andi

Here's what happened: They navigated through some rocks, while trying to reenact the trash compactor scene from Star Wars (but didn't have NEARLY the chemistry that Han and Leia did...) and eventually got to a waterfall hot tub. Or hot tub waterfall, pick one. They had dinner by a geyser that was horribly unromantic because it started peeing on them, while they were trying to gnaw on the (unfortunate and exotic looking) New Zealand meat....  

- Andi has that Khloe Kardashian hombre hairstyle. Don’t- DON’T get me started on all of the qualms I have with this…

- Not to mention that THIS is how it looked, when she de-boated herself:

....Reindeer jumper?

- I am so VERY unopposed to Andi’s one piece. Get it, girl. MODEST IS HOTTEST.

- As they wiggle through the trash compactor rocks,          Andi is wondering where JP is taking her… Apparently JP is wondering where JP is taking her...

- I don’t even know what kind of nonsense Andi is spouting about the geyser, as they walk away from it... She's somehow nervous that she ruined the date and won't get a rose now, even though it was totally the geyser's fault, and not hers... Why does this seemingly empowered woman turn into a shrinking violet around Juan Pablo?? I DON'T get it.

Questions I have:
- What kind of skin protection did the camera guy have, wading through this cold water? Was he wearing those fishing coveralls? Or was he going commando?

- What kind of water boots is Andi wearing, as she straddles JP under this hot tub waterfall hot tub, right now? New Zealand tevas? 

- Andi is nervous that she ruined dinner. Newsflash, Andi McDowell: IT WAS A GEYSER THAT RUINED DINNER. But nevertheless, JP reassures her, “It’s fine… its nature…” (Again: it is JP's blithe dismissal that calms her, not her own natural reasoning and deduction... I'm not even a feminist and this guy is making my indignation rise...)

Memorable Quotes:
- While they're wading through the trash compactor, something is telling Andi that if she just “lets her guard down and trusts Juan Pablo, something amazing could happen…” How many snipits of her audio did they have to piece together to get THAT clip?!

- Andi: “Whats the number one thing you want in life?"
     JP: “Love, somebody, kids." Let's note how that wasn't "love somebody," it was "love... or somebody...         or kids."

- “It’s ironic to be standing next to a geyser, because our chemistry is bursting through as well..."
iiiiiiii think we're done, here.

Group Date: Everyone but Clare

Here's what happened: they went zorbing, but it was called something else. Apparently they did the poor man's (or rich man's, perhaps?) zorbing. They went to the Shire. Sharleen got the rose and Cassio got sent home. I don't know about you, but she's feelin' 22...

- Cassio is whining that she hasn’t had any time with Juan… MAYBE IF YOU CALLED HIM JUAN PABLO, YOU’D GET A ROSE… Just keep dancing like you're 22, Casio.

- Sharleen JUST might be the first contestant in the history of this show who has even HEARD of J. R. R. Tolkein… I'm not upset by her geeking out right now...

- Aaaaand Rene and JP just took a Blurry Shire Selfie… Make that... a Blurry Shire PARENT selfie. Because unlike Casio, Rene is (still) "one of his special ones."

- The producers clearly fed Cassio the Gollum about “my precious” rose, because SHE WAS STILL A FETUS WHEN THE LOTR MOVIES CAME OUT.

- OHMIGAH THIS IS THE WORST BIRTHDAY OF CASSANDRA’S LIFE, EVER. No birthday will be as bad as this one. Never again. Cassandra never has to worry about what a horribly bad birthday is going to be like. Cause this was the WORST.
His farewell to her was NOT this bad, but it was bad…

-   This sleeping cat behind Chelsie right now… I just don’t even know what to say…

Questions I have:
-          Is anyone else hearing the lyrical music playing in the background right now, during Cassio's exit?!?! WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? HOW?! They never do lyrical music during the exit!

Memorable Quotes:

- Nikki reminds us of the important things in life: “I don’t want to leave here with regrets, I want to leave here with a husband and you don’t get that by keeping your feelings in…”

...well that's one way to put it...

- Sharleen: You cut right to the chase, don’t you?
JP: What does that mean? 
I will not dignify this language barrier with commentary...

- Cassio laments, “I just want love so bad…” One thing about this show of which I will never tire: how the girls take the limo ride of shame and whine about how badly they just want to find love… As though they are being sent home simply because they just didn’t WANT LOVE badly enough…

One On One Date: Clare
Here's what happened: Ugh, I don't even know what happened. I am so deeply sick of Clare, it's unreal. No wonder she and Niiki butt heads next week. Clare, you're 57, and so wretchedly entrenched in your neurotic ways that you will never get along with anyone... I shall hark back to the season of Sean's Giant Snow Bus, for a noteworthy quote from... What was her name, that wouldn't kiss him, but then did, but then got sent home? Ah yes:

Ugh. Speaking of Sean's Giant Snow Bus... Rest in Peace, Sean's relationship with #MyBestFriendLez
Abs at heart, bro.

- I am wildly confused by what Juan Pablo could POSSIBLY be trying to say about what he and Clare have to “teach each other” about being parents and communicating, but… I don’t have the energy to even begin to decipher...

- Based on the NOT squinting that is happening in the sunlight, on Clare’s part right now… Girl has had some injections to prevent certain parts of her face from moving…. I still say she's 57.

- JOSH RACHET IS BAAAACK! I don’t care about these stupid sweat pants that they're wearing, and neither does Rachet.

- There might be girls like Kelly out there, who don’t want men to “see them without their face on,” but tell me what girl has the opportunity to lounge in sweat pants, and opts to say “Yeah I’d really like to leave this thick foundation on my face and keep this skirt that I can’t breathe in, let’s just keep that up…” SHUT UP ABOUT HOW "CASUAL" YOU ARE, CLARE.

Memorable Quotes:
- Clare used to “Houdini her way out of things.” Let’s just… that. She didn’t try and tell JP that she is a former Houdini-er, but she did try to tell him that she used to “bolt,” and he had no idea what that meant.

Her subsequent explanation offered little clarity.

Other things that offer little clarity include, but are not limited to:
Blurred Liiiines

- “Clare has got something going on that is just so attracted to me…”
Oooook, Pollo Loco, ok.

Rose ceremony:

- What is UP with this exchange between JP and Nikki right now, with this whole "How much is a little? How much is more than a lot?” WHO’S ON FIRST, NIKKI?! GET OUT.

- Kat’s been journaling, guys. 
...But apparently that wasn't enough to keep her around... Juan Pablo clearly has ZERO concept of what she is saying to him right now, but the wheels that ARE spinning are telling him to send her home, stat.

Ugh, this season is just the worst. 


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