The Guys Are Super Cool... TO MY FACE.

You GUYS. Stop everything. Just stop right now. Seriously, stop reading this.

STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND GO DIRECTLY TO THE NEAREST LIFETIME.COM AND WATCH "UnReal." It's my new favorite thing. It was created by a woman that was a producer on The Bachelor for three years. and we see characters in front of, as well as BEHIND the camera, on this show (it's a scripted drama) It is genius and I am SO obsessed. (When I say "obsessed," I mean: our internet speed is too slow, and we don't have cable, so I watched all four episodes on my PHONE. Subsequently followed by a check in the mail to Big Daddy, because I used HALF of our data plan to watch it, and will have to pay for the extra few gigs... #WorthIt)

Oh - y'all know I don't do things like this, but... vote for my friend Amanda and her husband Josh to get this grant for their amazing business. It doesn't do anything annoying like post on your wall that you've voted, so there's no reason NOT to. Josh and Amanda got me onto doTERRA BEFORE IT WAS COOL. Like, you can't even roll your eyes at me, because I've been using doTERRA since before you were born... 

https://www.missionmainstreetgrants.com/b/32525

Cocktail party: 

Opening Observation: at any point, JJ could’ve chosen to run his mouth and made a spectacle of himself to Nick, and he chose not to. I’ll give him points for that. Also... His bright pink socks… I just can’t hate them. Can't hate him as he's running the bases with Kaitlyn, either. Glad she covered her ladyship as he set her down on the field. #SorryInterns. Unless the editors were altering EVERYTHING, it would seem that JJ quickly re-learned how NOT to run his mouth in this episode, and it is thus we see that he is, in fact, perhaps a rehabilitated backpack toucher. 

I mean, as it is you guys already know how much I love Nick, but regardless of that: SHUT UP ABOUT HIM, ALREADY, SHAWN AND JOSH. Those two need to NOT, right now.

 *Southern accent* "How much do you make at your job?"

I'm sure the editors are pulling EVERY SINGLE SOUNDBITE of those two ranting, but all they're doing is running themselves into the ground and self-destructing. They're both spiraling towards they're own demise. Shawn definitely has the biggest problem with Nick. He has, at no point, looked UN-READY to toss his cookies, throughout this entire cocktail party. 

Give it up, boys.

Please let us note that at one point, Love Virgin Welder Josh referred to the roses as “these old girls” and I don’t know how to feel about it. But I will give props to the intern who put the roses on top of the basket of baseballs for the ceremony. He probably reached for the closest thing to him, in order to try and get out of the cold...

Grace: These guys are SO cold it’s not even real.

Carolyn: Why are they even doing the rose ceremony here?

Grace: Because they can. 

And it TOTALLY sucks for the guys who stood out in the cold for SO long and didn’t get a rose. We said goodbye to Ryan (who was attractive, but forgettable) Jonathan (see parenthetical description of Ryan) and Corey (the one who reminded me of  #Kasey. Told you he wouldn't be around for long...)

After a BRUTALLY cold rose ceremony, Kaitlyn consoles the guys with, “we’re going somewhere warm." Am I the only one who was picturing something along the lines of... St. Thomas, perhaps? Maybe Antigua? What exotic locale could they possibly be headed to next? It's somewhere Kaitlyn has always wanted to go...

...San Antonio. 

...so we're NOT going to Caneel Bay... 

Real talk: nothing about Texas will ever be old. Office Levi is from Texas. I ask him pretty much every day “Dude, did you watch Texas Rising, yet?"

Levi: No.

Grace: Isn't your Dad in it?

Levi: No. And it wasn't-

Grace: wasn't it shot in your-

Levi: it was NOT shot in my backyard, Grace. My family doesn't own any horses. They aren't cowboys. 

I usually hum "All My Exes Live in Texas" as I'm walking away...

One on One Date: Ben H. 

Oldest Dance Hall in Texas

Ugh. This is seriously ALL there is to say about Ben H:

Or babysit me. I don't even care. 

But in terms of that dance hall...Whoever this old lady is, I WANT MORE OF HER. It took her nineteen minutes to give the camera wink and I was totally ok with it. Honestly I’m mostly bummed that Kentucky Joe isn’t on this date. I’d like to see Joe dance with the two-steppin’ old lady. That’s what I want. 

After they get inevitably kicked out of the dance competition, and we later watch Kaitlyn and Ben at dinner, for some reason I can’t help but hark back to that time that Dez and Brooks had that STOOPIT conversation where she led him through a running metaphor? She said something like, “If this is a race… a race to love… Where do you feel like you are? Like, walking, running, or sprinting?”

Brooks: I’d say I’m walking.

Dez: Really? Cause I’d say I’m sprinting. 

Whatta dish. Whatta doll. 

Group Date: Mariachi Time

Justin, Jeremy, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Joshua, Nick

The fact that this 12 year old mariachi singer is taking the reins on everything is CRITICAL. He sings his pants off to Kaitlyn. He guides the guys through their work just like Amy Shumer did - THIS KID IS A 12 YEAR OLD AMY SHUMER. 

It's also worth mentioning that at least Nick has had an attitude adjustment since his last group date. (Anybody remember how Cody had his money on his mime and his mime on his money, on Andi's date? And Nick was the sourest of sour Patch Kids?)

Whether or not Ian is actually a singer is yet to be determined. Cause he sure talks a legit game and then he... well, as he puts it: chokes. 

And even though I'm never a fan of vulgarity, I'm willing to lay off a little bit for the sake of a completed rhyme. So Nick didn't need to go there. but this is kind of how I feel about his rhyme scheme: 

Whoaaaaaa now Love Virgin Welder Josh is pulling out this haircut thing... 

First of all:

Secondly, you KNOW the producers fed him that line, as well as the bucket and the clippers. 

Thirdly:

I honestly don't even know what to say about that haircut. I mean, even the premise of the haircut. Why not just tell her that you trust her? But then when we get to reflecting on the actual haircut itself, where to even begin? Just buzz it off, poor guy... STOKED to see Josh at the Men Tell All. I think she kept him around for WAY too long, but I'm not event hat mad. Ohhhh also super stoked to watch JJ and Clint face off at the Men Tell All... Will the backpack toucher rise again?? 

Moving on, quick question: So is Nick going to just… kiss his way to the final rose ceremony? We've seen him say about four words to her, per every time he's MAULED her lips with his. I'm all about a good Lip Maul when the time is right, but they need to like, learn each other's names at this point... 

I'd like to note that Nick handled Joshua’s line of fire very well… Obviously Josh expected him to take offense at his lack of trust in him, but Nick simply replied "You don't have to." 

YAAAAAAASSSS, NICK.

Ok Josh is obviously is lying to Kailtyn right now. He’s over exaggerating. He didn’t think she would confront the guys so immediately. But she did, which is why I was in the fetal position for so much of that confrontation scene. Josh IS the messenger sunglasses that will "self-destruct in five seconds." once Tom Cruise throws them off the cliff. He is sliding down this slope so quickly and there is NO recovery in sight...

One on One Date: Shawn

I do appreciate the way that Shawn VERY briefly stood up for Josh on this date. It was quick, but it was... manly. He didn't need to speak exhaustively about it. but he wanted to mention it.

Get it. Shawn.

I'm also very curious to know how Shawn smells. Oh, did I just get creepy? And may I ask the question on everyone's mind: what IS it with the car crash survivors on this season? Sheesh.

After post-kayaking dinner, Katilyn tells Shawn, "I have a surprise for you…"

Grace: Private concert!

Carolyn: Fireworks!

Bryan: WE'RE  GONNA HAVE SEX! 

....Carolyn wins the prize.

And finally, it's interesting to note that Ian spoke about his dissatisfaction with the show. Wonder how that got set up. Quick recap of Ian's sentiments: 'I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want a Princeton grad, former model, death defying guy who has traveled the world several times...”

And just like that, Ian is off, right out of the gate, hurdling towards a finish line that says "DEMISE."

Can't wait to see how it's handled next week. Or at the Men Tell All.

Y'all, I am SO stoked for the Men Tell All...