Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Heart of a Child, Eyes of a Gypsy and Soul of a Warrior... Something like that.

First things first: What's up with the way they've been ending these episodes? Is it because they have too much footage, and don't have time to squeeze in a rose ceremony? Or because they fear that the end would be too boring and they have to do a cliff hanger to hook us for the next week?

So we pick up where we left off last week, with Kupah creating a one-man nightmare outside, after being "let go" by Kaitlyn. All I have to say about this guy is that I can’t help but feel like the name “Kupah” is a southern pronunciation of “Cooper.”


Whilst watching the whole thing unfold in between Kaitlyn's interviews, the following exchange took place between the Living Room Peanut Gallery:

Grace: She needs to get her hair under control. Is it straight or is it curly? Get it under control.
Carolyn: She needs to get her EMOTIONS under control.
Devin: She’s a woman. Just let her happen.
Grace: Did you just say “She’s a woman, just let her happen?” That's beautiful.
Devin: No, I said “she’s a woman, it’ll never happen…”
(Devin couldn't go home. It was his house) 

Please let us now stand and salute the FIRST time we hear the GOLD that is (apparently) Tony's Life Motto: “ I see the world through the eyes of a child, I have the heart of a warrior and I have a gypsy soul.”

My guess is that he said that he said this line for the first time to Kaitlyn when he was hyped up about how much he DIDN'T want to be aggressive (right after he'd, you know, brutally lost to the sumo wrestler when he tried to take him a second time). And this line was SO incredible that the producers got him to say it again in an interview, but what America saw was the reverse order...

Anyway, we witnessed him saying the greatest line of all time in an interview right around the same time The Nashville Fashion Designer and some guy named Corey (who has a kid... that's all I know about him) got sent home...

Clint, Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, Shawn

- So glad the sumo wrestlers biked to the mansion. I bet they take short showers, too.

- That bald one is straight out of Mulan and I am LOVING it

Tell me I'm wrong... 

- Seeing the men awoken by the sound of the gong and the yelling, it occurs to me: men are RIDICULOUSLY better-looking first thing in the morning than women. It's practically unfair.

- Ok there is obviously discussion of his behavior below, but in the meantime:  as unfortunate as Tony’s social skills are, his body is NOT unfortunate. COME ON, YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.

- I am loving Kentucky Joe on this date. I'm pretty sure his entire life can be summarized by Luke Bryan's "Kick the Dust Up," (sorry, Katie) but I don't even care. The man has moves and he's not afraid to use them, even when he's in a sumo diaper. Well I'll be.

- As he made his tearful exit and climbed into the getaway car (only to schlep all the way to Westlake Village to bid adieu to Kaitlyn) I'm glad that Tony at least had a handle of alcohol stashed away in that hoodie pocket...

- In regards to the game that Clint was attempting to play, post sumo wrestling: Spoiler alert, men of America: “hanging back” and “letting her come to you” are NOT ways to win her over. 

Questions I Have:

- WHAT DID THE NOTE TO TONY SAY?!?! Did anyone else see that note on his bed? Will this ever be resolved? 

- Um, who is hosting the sumo competition at CityWalk right now and why is it not Chris Harrison?!?

Memorable Quotes:
- Can we talk about Hare's description of the bald sumo wrestler? “Heaviest Japanese man EVER." For all of the hours I spend in a day trying to construct TACTFUL terminology in the emails that I send, Hare didn't even bother with tact and just got straight to the point on that one...

- Not even sure who it was, but I wrote down that some guy said "When they hit the mat to face each other, you could just HEAR the power of man meat running into each other.”

Man meat. Raise 'em up. 

- Worth noting that we hear Tony's "heart of a warrior, eyes of a child and spirit of a gypsy" line for a SECOND time, when he's angrily ranting about world peace outside the front door. (Yes, you're supposed to be just as confused by that sentence as I am.)

- And now let us take time to recall Tony's rooftop reflections. The one that was after JJ had tried to fuel his fire, after Ian dragged him upstairs, and AFTER we got a graphic shot of Kaitlyn's derriere, en route to the rooftop. “I have a lot to offer” he declared, followed by a spit behind his left shoulder. That's right. The man made his declaration and then SPAT.  (This must be a warrior move) And then the pec flex. THE PEC FLEX. The man suffered what appeared to be an involuntary (or was it voluntary?) spasm of his left pectoral major. Must be a gypsy move. Update: according to the sumo wrestler that challenged Kaitlyn: the pec flex appears to be a Japanese thing.

- Sometime during the rooftop rant, we hear Tony whine, “Why can’t we go to the zoo, and see who can do the best animal impression?”

...is it just me, or were they basically doing animal impressions when they were fighting like dogs (pigs... hogs... hyenas... YOU NAME IT)

One On One: Ben Z.

So they had to do some kind of haunted house panic room. 

I'm sure the whole thing was JUST like love... 
Kaitlyn is apparently deathly afraid of birds. Hey, I saw Hitchcock's "The Birds" when I was nine. I'm not petrified of our avian friends, but I understand if someone (who saw that movie) is. Whether or not Kaitlyn has seen that movie, I do not know. 

Memorable quotes:
Living Room Peanut Gallery
(After Kaitlin's Avian Panic Attack)
Ben Z: What are you most afraid of?
Bryan: Dude. She just told you. BIRDS.

- Loving Kaitlyn's impression of Ben Z on snakes:“If someone HANDED me a snake, I would totally take it, but a snake wrapped around a toilet… That’s a different story." 

- Let's clap it up for Kaitlyn's refusal to relent and give the producers what they wanted: she wouldn't pretend that the Panic Room Slaughterhouse was ANYTHING like love: “I don’t think you fall in love in that situation, but you definitely bond over the experience." 

- I will take a completely serious, completely un-sarcastic moment to remark upon what Kaitlyn said to Ben when she gave him the rose: “You accepted me when I was at my worst and I wasn’t afraid to be that way with you." 

Erica Boozer, this Bud's for you... 

Questions I have: 
- Did anyone else enjoy the notice the“birds and animals are not a part of this normally but have been added for the experience" notice?? the LRPG was loving it.

Group Date: Sex Ed
Jonathan, Ben H, Joshua, Brian, Jared, Tanner

Just like our collective approval of Shawn, and general enjoyment of the unnecessary wild animals in the Haunted Mansion Panic Room, the LRPG agreed that this classroom of kids was WAAAAY too young to be hearing about [BEEP] and [BEEP] in the [BEEP] all over a [BEEEEEEEP.] 

I don't think I'm even enough of a good feminist to have an articulate opinion about the words that they chose to censor, but... really? Anyone else notice that they censored the name of the male reproductive organ, but not the female? But then they censored certain terms of the female reproductive anatomy? I'm sure it's all in a contract in the top of every filing cabinet in the back of the projection room above the auditoriums in Hollywood, but I'm also fairly convinced that perhaps the Bachelorette story editors had left for the night, leaving behind a list of censors for the interns to fill in, not knowing that the interns had gone on a "lunch break" at Hama Sushi's happy hour, consequently losing said censor list and having to drunkenly make it up on their own in that classroom scene... 

So either it was all a sloppy mess, or one of the interns had to actually dig up the contract (or law) that states that insertion may not be shown on reality TV...

Other than that, only three remarks on this date:

1) I want everyone to know that the Love Virgin (aka the welder) has some TAMpins. Clearly he never learned about that from the cows...

2) Ben H: 

Wasn't Ben H. the guy that was really into Britt on the first night, and talked with her about how he sponsored a kid? I don't even care. He's perfect. 

2) Mmmm and we're cuing the awkward music when the Love Virgin says that he didn’t have his first kiss until college. Because here on America's favorite television pasttime, we shame the women that are too loose, and we shame the men that aren't LOOSE ENOUGH.

I'm a little bit over you, ABC...

3) Kaitlyn’s obsession with Jared’s black eye is a LITTLE unsettling.


Do I even dignify this Clint/JJ stuff with commentary? 

It's totally all a ruse. But I can't say that I'm NOT anticipating what the backlash will be...


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