 |
| Hearts will be glowing when roses are neeeeear... |
This post is dedicated to my friend, Natalie Holzapfel. She is carrying Baby H. right now. That makes it Baby H’s first season. Ben H. and Baby H. INTO IT.
In an unprecedented turn of events, I'll have you all know that I have not read spoilers for this season. It actually wasn't on purpose - but last night Johnny threw out the idea of a fantasy draft and Carolyn said, "But Grace already knows who wins. She always reads spoilers."
A few things:
1) I've been reading spoilers since Brad Womack's second season. Which, by the way, was inaccurately predicted. I first experienced the fruits of Bachelor Spoiling one day in college, I walked out of Play Analysis and asked my friend Christine, "Yo, we're about to have a reading quiz on Death of a Salesman, and I totally didn't read it. What can you tell me?"
CHRISTINE: Spoiler alert: he dies.
GRACE: Oh good. Well here's a spoiler in turn for you: Brad picks Chantal on The Bachelor.
This was the moment I found out that Christine even watched the show in the first place, because her response was "HOW COULD YOU TELL ME THIS YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW YOU KNOW THIS I'M ONLY WATCHING CAUSE MY ROOMMATE KATIE WATCHES AND NOW YOU'VE DESTROYED EVERYTHING."
(For the record, Christine was (is) a Stage Manager, (no literally, she stage manages the Broadway. She's a big deal) so she was NOT prone to hysterics, unlike everyone else in the theatre department: I think this was the most emotion I'd ever seen from her. Also, if you look at the tags on facebook, the first tag is is always a girl named Katie. It's Christine's roommate. It was very shortly after this that we became very dear friends.)
2) Why do I read spoilers, you might ask? Short answer: I grew up without cable.
(Which is actually one of the reasons I got into this show in the first place: the number of available TV shows was very limited) I grew up watching very little television. Which means that my emotional tolerance for television heartbreak is VERY low. Which means that when (SPOILER ALERT) Michael Vaughn died on Alias, I was INCONSOLABLE. I was crying SO hard that my mother would later tell me, "You were crying like someone actually died." I responded, "SOMEONE DID DIE!" The day that Bob Guiney picked Estella instead of Kelly Jo, I was DEVASTATED. I couldn't take it. I can't deal with bombs being dropped on me in real life, why should I even THINK about dealing with it on television? As soon as I found out that Dan Stevens was leaving Downton Abbey, I stopped watching altogether. I'm telling you: I'm not emotionally conditioned to handle Television Devastation. So as a matter of self-preservation, I happily read spoilers, so I can prepare myself (especially on this show) to be disappointed.
3) If you're not feeling at least a LITTLE impressed that I've read spoilers and been writing commentary this whole time WITHOUT revealing the spoilers of which I am aware, you should probably just stop reading this.
All that (The Broadway, Michael Vaughn and Downton Abbey) to say: I HAVEN'T READ ANY SPOILERS THIS SEASON. I was actually planning on reading them after I watched the premiere, but once Johnny suggested a fantasy league and I realized I was still eligible, I turned a blind eye to them, for the first time in a long time. But I'll tell you right now, even without reading spoilers, my fantasy team is STACKED. I feel great about it.
MOVING ON.
Let's start with a visit to Ben's hometown, or "The Bread Basket of America," if you will, courtesy of Living Room Peanut Gallery Member J. Langan (yes, we'll bring that one back home, a little later on) Loving the intro that Ben gets at homecoming, from the football bullhorn: “It’s the Bachelor… From The Bachelor TV Show…”
God bless Middle America...
We then hear the voiceover of Ben talking about how he might be unlovable...
THIS GUY IS LEGITIMATELY SO PERFECT THAT HIS GREATEST FEAR IS BEING UNLOVABLE.
I have a great number of fears that make the list before "being unlovable," especially since I will always feel loved an accepted by so many things in my life... Cookies, pasta, pop tarts, my bed... The list never ends, really.
This small town family convo with Mom and Dad about finding a nice girl to marry is nearly putting me to sleep… All I can say is that sitting down with Big Daddy and having this conversation would entail something to the effect of “Find out what YMCA he has a membership with. Talk to him about his retirement plan. I’ve been married to your mother for thirty one years. I thought she was independently wealthy when I first met her because she had Pepperidge Farm cookies in her pantry. Those are expensive. I’m still glad I married her. She’s lucky she married me. I’m an Eagle Scout. Find out if this guy is an Eagle Scout.” (It might not TOTALLY go like that, but… basically. Oh, and the part about the Pepperidge Farm cookies? Totally true.)
Bachelor Boons of Wisdom:
FARMER CHRIS: Kiss all the girls.
CAROLYN: Who the- Whoa. I TOTALLY forgot about his WHOLE season. Oh man. It just came rushing back. Wooow that was a bad season.
I hate Ben’s undercut so much I could die. I think this hairstyle is the worst thing that’s ever happened, anywhere and I’m SO ready for it to be on the way out… My only question that remains is why he exited a hotel room, pre-limo entrances? Where's his bachelor pad for the girls to run around in, wearing motorcycle helmets, huh?
JOHNNY: Ben is like that guy you forget is in your fraternity until formal. You know that guy? That shows up and you’re like, “Ohhh I forgot you were in SAE!”
LADIEZ:
Lauren B: A flight attendant (but is she? We didn't even see her on an actual plane, like we did with that Jersey flight attendant on Farmer Chris's season) She was the first out of the limo, and I’m pretty sure her grandmother made her dress. She brought him a pair of – “ONNNN THE WINGS OF LOOOOOVE!!” She looks like a doll, but Ben seems to be really into her. I have a feeling this one is going far. She's on my fantasy team and I feel GREAT about it.
Caila: Software Sales. She has an umbrella in her intro... And it isn’t raining. “There’s definitely something wrong when I have butterflies for someone on TV! I’m ready for Fate, Part II”
Jubilee: Oh no. Oh nononononono.
 |
| All is NEVER fair in love and reality. |
There are going to be so many war comparisons and I am NOT ready for it. At one point I said, “What does her tattoo say?” Johnny responded, “Tit. With a sign pointing to it.”
Mandy: Dentist. Johnny hopes she’s not out the first episode. Rose headband… That Ben can pollinate later…
Emily and Haley: GET THESE TWINS OUT OF HERE.
Mandy: Dentist. Johnny hopes she’s not out the first episode. Rose headband… That Ben can pollinate later…
Emily and Haley: GET THESE TWINS OUT OF HERE.
 |
| The door is THAT way... |
Later in the mansion, Carolyn raised a valid question, "Why is everyone acting like they’re dragons? They’re… twins."
Amanda: Orange County, two kids. She tells us, “I think Ben could be a great role model for my kids”
JOHNNY: He's 22. He is not ready for your kids
Tara: Chicken Enthusiast. She has a bookshelf with pictures of chickens and a picture of Ben. What DOES come first, the chicken, the Ben, or the Fried Amradillo? Correction- her name is TIARA.
Sam: Attorney, her dad Dad had ALS – I’M NOT DIMINISHING THIS, but WHOA, we are getting into this family stuff REAL fast… And Sam is wearing as much makeup in this one shot as I wear in six months. She got out of the limo and told Ben she found out "on the way there: that she passed the bar. SHE DID NOT FIND OUT ON THE WAY THERE, SHE’S KNOWN FOR MONTHS. Johnny and I tried really hard to imitate her voice and it hurt both of our throats too much… Weird voice or not, Samantha is on my team, and given the points you can rack up for your players speaking about deceased loved ones, she's a solid choice.
Jennifer: small business owner. She’s the girl to whom Ben said “welcome." This is what 'welcome' means to me:
Jami: Bartender. I love her dress. That's all I have to say. Find me on Pinterest, James.
Lace: Got the first kiss. Ohhhh and then she racked up 85 points in one episode alone. You BET I got this girl on my team..
Later on in the mansion (ten drinks in for Lace)
Johnny: I love Lace so much.
Carolyn: Says the guy who loves that rando that shows up at SAE parties. Let’s wait till she’s sober. That will be a true test of your allegiance to her.
Lauren: Math Teacher. He DID NOT get her name. He tried three times.
Shushanna: she is NOT speaking English right now. And she doesn't speak any English for the rest of the episode. This is going so well.
Leah: Event Planner OH NO NO SHE HAS A FOOTBALL OUT AND I HEAR VELCRO I WANT TO DIE
JoJo: the unicorn. So much. She also did the card/charades/guessing game later, which was actually a VERY clever move, on her part.
Lauren: Threw the bouquet. She is on my team as well. COME ON, SHE'S A KINDERGARTEN TEACHER, YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT.
Laura: Red Velv-SHUT UP. (For the record, when we caught a glimpse of Red Velvet in the limo, Johnny pointed to her and said, "That girl. That girl is 100% going home on this episode and we WILL NOT learn her name...")
BEN IS BEING SUCH A GOOD SPORT FOR ALL THESE YUK YUK ENTRANCES.
Maegan... brought a pony. As Carolyn put it “She can just turn back around now…”
Breanne: first thing she tells him is that she doesn’t eat gluten.
 |
| Pass the cookies. |
JOHNNY: She is breaking bread with him. He is from America's Bread Basket and she is breaking bread with him! (Ohhhhh there it is. I passed Johnny the fried armadillo at that point)
Izzy... is in a onesie. Please leave, Izzy. Go find Denny. Just go.
Rachel: at least she picked up her train when she rode down the driveway on a hoverboard...
JOHHNY: SHOCKER, THE UNEMPLOYED ONE COMES IN ON A HOVER BOARD”
Jessica: All I have written is "Not painful intro." Ohhh now I remember. She was a brunette that I thought would be going far until she... got eliminated... Can't win them all. (We made our fantasy teams after the premiere, for the record)
Lauren, “LB” fyi: that dress is from French Connection and it’s impossible to get into it. My mom and I nearly wrestled each other to the ground trying to get me into one of them one time, it was so hard.
Jackie: She brought him a save the date. She studies old people. I reached out and clawed my arms into Johnny’s arm when we saw #ToHiggensAndToHold
Olivia: news anchor, very disappointed that he... doesn’t have dimples? She guilted him about how she left her job for him… STILL NEVER BEATS THE GIRL WHO SOLD HER CAR TO MEET PRINCE LORENZO.
 |
| I will NEVER forget this girl. |
Olivia tired to give him a schmorgasboard of things that shes interested in… she is interested in NONE of those things… “I love to travel... Pick a spot on a map and just go there” SHE DOESN’T DO THIS. (But yes, she's on my team and I have high hopes for her points, this season)
Once everyone had exited the limos:
JOHNNY: Look at this sea of Basics… White chicks that are blond who wear sparkles. That is this season.
We interrupt the normal broadcast to tell you this bit of commentary:
"Well… Becca is looking great" is what I wrote down. That girl seriously has the personality of a filing cabinet but hot DAWG she's pretty.
Roses went to:
Lauren B
LB
Caila
Amber
Jaimie
Jennifer
Jubilee
Amanda
JoJo
Leah
Rachel
Samantha
Jackie
Hailey (twin 1)
Emily (twin 2)
Shushanna
Lauren H
Becca
Mandy
Quick note: WE HAVE NEVER HAD A CHORUS BEFORE THE FINAL ROSE and we are getting a CHORUS right now. Seriously the Russion choir that underscored "Anastasia" is singing in the background and I could NOT be happier about it.
Last rose went to...
Lace
Shocker. I won't even dignify her pout about his lack of eye contact with commentary...
JOHNNY: Yusssss! WHO DID HE PICK? LACE. WHO DID I SAY HE WOULD PICK? LACE. WHO DID I SAY WAS GOING HOME BEFORE I EVEN HEARD A WORD FROM HER? RED VELVET. GIVE ME CREDIT. CREDIT, I SAY! CREDIT FOR BEING A GENIUS.
There's your credit, Johnny.
If you're a bird, I'm a bird,
No comments:
Post a Comment