You're a Vegan but you WHAT?!

For the record: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

And as always: shoutout to my inspiration and MY FAVE WRITER OF ALL THINGS RELATED TO OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON, Lincee:

http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/

She even took the time to respond to my message (no one need bother feigning surprise that I friended her on facebook, over two years ago) and now she has the “Be Frie” and I have the “St Ends” of a friendship necklace. The rest is history.

        Ahem, I would like to begin by acknowledging Amy Poehler’s  witty remark at the Golden Globes that “Homeland is a great show. But I’ll tell you what: it’s not as great as that show that comes on before it: “Previously on Homeland. Man, that thing is action packed.” Because tonight, prior to the show we all know and love, we witnessed:

1)      PREVIOUSLY ON THE BACHELOR:

Kacie. That black dress with the sheer cleavage. I’m still asking myself why.

        Props to a fellow Bachelor Expert, Katie Bocksel, for commenting last week, “Maybe he knew ahead of time that he wouldn’t remember anyone’s name, so he decided to give the roses out as he went?” Which begs the question: anyone remember when Jesse Palmer gave a girl a rose then had to stop to talk to C. Harrison in the middle of the rose ceremony because he’d given a rose to the wrong girl, by accident? Both Hare and Jesse proceeded to tell Mistake Girl that she wasn’t meant to get a rose but gave her the option to stay, if she wanted.

Fortunately, that hasn’t happened to Sean… yet.

2)      We then see our other favorite show: TONIGHT, ON THE BACHELOR.

We hear somebody’s voiceover declaring that this is “the biggest dream come true of my life, so far” – can’t WAIT to see what that’s gonna be…

Sean announces that they’re doing a photoshoot with the “most trusted name in romance”…I’m gonna guess Harlequin? Is it embarrassing that I know that? Should I not admit to that being my first guess?

3)      One on One Date: Sarah

Sean is working out this morning. I’m shocked. But really, tell me this: does he do MORE reps, because the camera is on him, or LESS? I just wanna know. Greg Kaplan, I need your expert input, here.

Hare enters the house and tells the ladies that he “sees this happening for Sean” because “he’s perhaps the most genuine bachelor we’ve ever had.” So… being genuine and “the process” are related? Does anyone else feel like they’ve missed out on that memo, for the past 16 seasons?

Sarah goes to get ready for her date. The other 19 girls go to get ready for the six seconds that Sean sees them before the helicopter takes off…

Kacie, I’m just curious - are you regretting your decision to come back, yet? Did the helicopter put you over the edge, maybe?

Ah, and then we come to understand that the “BIGGEST DREAM COME TRUE OF MY LIFE SO FAR,” was said by Sarah. About riding in a helicopter. Where it’s so rumbly and choppy that you can’t even enjoy holding hands and you REALLY can’t enjoy a simple task like talking. Biggest. Dream. Come. True.

 I also need to point out that Sarah said the words “fairy tale” and “falling in love” while she was clearly being interviewed, pre-date. Sarah. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?

        Blah blah blah, they jump off a building… I took a “Psychology of Romantic Relationships” class in college (It was a great class. We totally didn’t have clearance for it cause it was a 400 level class for junior and senior Psych majors, but somehow when 3 of us signed up, we weren’t denied) and we learned that high-staked adrenaline-charged activities like this are good for building chemistry and attraction. Because in these instances, one often doesn’t discriminate between the feeling of adrenaline from say, repelling 35 stories, and the feeling of attraction to the other person. Oh look, whaddaya know: my girl Sarah proves it for us, here, with: “Looking up at the building we’d just come down from… It was a whirlwind of emotion.”

Was it really, Sarah? Was it truly a whirlwind?

My only question: how old was Sarah, for this zip lining incident in Vegas that she detailed, for Sean? Cause they’re two totally different things, to imagine her Dad telling her to find a strong man who will encourage her, when she’s seventeen… Or when she’s nine.  And didn’t she say that the dude told her she couldn’t do it because it was against the law? Juuuust curious.

Ohhhh Sarah’s gonna fall hard. I can see it now. She’s gonna be on cloud nine about this date for about a week and then the doubt will start to creep in. And just like Mermaid Barbie last week, she’ll “try not to let it sink in,” but it will be hard. There will be tears. Lots of tears.

4)      GROUP DATE:

YESSSS KRISTY IS GOING ON A GROUP DATE. THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.

Tierra: “It’s time to kick some butt out.” Tierra, there are so many colloquialisms that you confused in this sentence that I will not even take the time to break them down.

NamasteKatie is trying to stay positive about it; I’m guessing she did some sun salutations before her interview.

Sean is anxious to see how the girls react to the news that they’re doing a photo-shoot. Grace is anxious to see how Sean’s grandmother is going to react.

HARLEQUIN. I KNEW IT. Disclaimer: I knew about it mostly because of my exorbitant knowledge of commedia dell'arte, but regardless:

Wait. This whole set-up is genius.

1)      The Harlequin photographers choosing who has “the best connection” with Sean?

Yes. I say YES to this.

2)      Every girl is now going to INSIST that they can “capture the romance/strongest connection” the best.

3)      And if nothing else: Kristy is in her element, people.

And then we cut to Tiara, talking to Sean.

Ok, anyone who replies to “you could have a dark side” with “no I don’t,”…..does have a dark side.

Then she says, “I have a good… glow… of life.” A glow. Of life. Tiara. Your ability to be articulate is astounding right now.

SEAN “DOESN’T BELIEVE” SHE HAS A CATTY SIDE. 

GRACE “DOESN’T BELIEVE” SEAN.

Alright, Lesley M is winning with these photos right now. So committed to her character. Even with her puffed up prancing around DC with the fake red file folder we saw when we first met her, I wouldn’t have pegged her to have a such a strong showing on this date.

Kristy tries to sound sound catty, but I think she’s a closet sweetheart (normal) and I’m not really believing that much of it? Good try for villainy, ABC.

OH OH WAIT SHE’S GRINDING, UP IN SEANS’ GRILLE. I’m pretty sure Sean’s grandmother just dove under the covers.

A pool party. I’m shocked.

Kristy celebrates getting a three-book contract, which is actually a huge boost for Harlequin, because now, Bachelor fans across the nation will be combing the (very slim) fiction section at Walgreens, trying to find the cover with Kristy and Sean…

(And here’s the thing about Kristy: sure, she was stoked about a three-book deal, and yeah, she likes to talk about how she’s good at modeling… but we’re not seeing her actually trash the other girls… ABC probably wanted to make her the Courtney of this season, but it’s just not working out.)

Judging from that fat smile on Sean’s face in the interview that’s happening right now, I’m gonna vote that there was a makeout sesh with Lesley… Oh she’s definitely 100% waiting for him to make the first move, here.

…But he doesn’t. “Apparently my body language sucked.” Well, I’ll give you 10 points for self-awareness, Lez.  

Wait, now she’s pulled Sean aside a SECOND time. OH SHE’S GOING FOR IT. HERE IT IS.

Ok wait. Lesley. Don’t do it and then talk ALL about it. We learned this lesson REALLY well with Jamie Otis on Ben’s season – hello?! Don’t dissect it. Just… shhhh...

Daniella is a blonde Tierra. That is all.

Kacie B, sweetheart, he just tried to give you a way out by saying “I didn’t know you saw me as more than a friend.” That means, “I’m not attracted to you.”

Kacie didn’t take the bait.

Sean: “It’s been a transition for me. I have to shift you from “good friend” over to “more than friends, now.” To her credit, Kacie asks him if that is a shift he wants to make.

He says some really vague things that make it look like he’s just not up for breaking her heart tonight.

And here’s Catherine with: “So you’re gonna hear this a lot: I’m vegan but I love the beef.”

…Am I missing something? Does this have some kind of hidden meaning besides the fifth grade boy one that I'm thinking of? ‘Cause it seems like they both think it’s HILARIOUS. And Catherine looks like she’s about 12, as she’s talking about it in an interview right now. Why are her cheeks so rosy? She legit looks twelve years old.

Aaaand Alice Cullen/Selma is loving her some one on one time with Sean right now. Ok whoa there, Tierra is loving her some one on one time with broccoli right now.

Sean pulls Tierra aside in the same way that I see parents pull their son or daughter aside to explain to them how to use your words when you get upset, instead of just hitting people.

She spouts a wealth of obscure vagaries that includes: “I’m pursuing you for a reason.” Tiara, that line will not work on Sean. He's read John Eldredge's "Wild At Heart." 

(Also, sidenote: that “open heart” thing is still on her finger. Which makes me wonder if it’s a tattoo, and not just a Sharpie drawing. Which makes me wonder if she was completely feeding Sean a line, when she got out of the limo. And listen, I’m all about the lines. Feed that boy lines that are witty. Feed him lines with puns. But don’t you DARE feed him a fake line about a tattoo that you got in Cabo on Spring Break of Senior year, ok?)

NamasteKatie has completely given up on any semblance of a brush and I’m not mad about it.

Perhaps she’s surrounded by really, really normal people in her everyday existence, because girl is getting really stressed out right now. And somehow thinks it’s a good reason to listen to Kacie B softly coax her into leaving… Oh she’s going home. Bye bye, Katie. Namaste. Woof:Sean didn’t even TRY to talk her out of it.

Daniella is getting a little intoxicated. I think she’s gonna be the “really fun drunk one” circa Natalie, from Jason’s season, or Jaclyn, from Ben’s season. Who doesn’t go very far, but is much beloved by all the girls. Both in states of sobriety and intoxication.

OH HE GAVE THE ROSE TO KACIE B. 

Wow. I really, actually didn’t think he would do that.

Wait did the two of them not have any post-date one on one time? Was it so vanilla and one color that they didn’t even bother airing it? I wonder… We all know Kacie can’t go all the way to the end – I get the sense that this might be a consolation prize before he sends her packing, pretty soon…

Then she says: “I’m not going to quit because something is hard or uncomfortable.” Can we all take a moment to agree on the fact that Kacie is giving herself a LITTLE too much credit here, for “sticking it out” through this tough… season of The Bachelor? If it were a season of “Juice Cleanse, 2013” or “Raise A Teething Infant by Yourself Right Now,” sure. SURE, she’d be sticking it out. But international travel and shutting out some crying psychos?

5)      ONE ON ONE DATE WITH DEZ THE ARNEZ.

(Yes, I know it’s spelled “Arnaz,” but don’t ruin my poetry, ok?)

“I want a girl with a great sense of humor.” No Sean, you want a girl who likes your sense of humor. The yuk yuk jokes are coming. I can feel it; they’re coming.

WAIT HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A “GALLERY ACTOR”?! THAT IS MY DREAM JOB!

Ok there’s definitely nothing funny about this prank business. “People face uncomfortable situations in life. I wanna see how she handles it.” Convincing her that she destroyed an expensive piece of art?! That’s just cruel and unusual.

“Hopefully she can take a joke.” THIS IS MORE THAN TAKING A JOKE, SEAN. How could she possibly “take it well”?!

 If I a) found out it was a prank, I would start crying with relief that I didn’t owe anyone 1.5 million dollars. And b) if I found out that Sean planned it (or at least endorsed it), I would walk out. Immediately.

How did this disheveled artist gain access a church near Chernobyl, Art Gallery Lady? That’s the question you should have asked, Dez. That would've blown the lid off pretty quickly...

Oh Dez totally knows it’s a joke. She’s smiling. AND IF SHE’S NOT SOBBING IN THE FETAL POSITION ABOUT THE 1.5 MILLION DOLLARS, she’s gotta know it was a joke.

“She was such a great sport.” WHAT ON EARTH?! THERE WERE 1.5 MILLION DOLLARS AT STAKE, SEAN.

After he reveals the joke and Dez didn’t run away screaming like she should have, he says they’re going to head back to his place, “where he’s got dinner waiting,” and Dez’s eyes widen, asking if it’s burned since it’s probably been in the oven for a long time.

Dear Dez, I’m going to let you in on a little secret right now: in your interview, you’ll wanna say “Sean made this great dinner for us,” and on a grander scale later on, you’ll wanna say “Sean had this great date planned…”

No. No he did not. No he did not plan those dates and no he did not make that dinner.

Ohhhh Dez gets a check in EVERY box on Sean’s list, when they go through their parents and upbringing. Dez is gonna go far. JP got the dinner date at the Bachelorette Pad with Ashley, if you remember. I’m just saying.

Her parents are “the cutest people she’s ever known in her life”?

…I don’t share this sentiment.

Now Dez the Arnez is getting Sean to check off more boxes with phrases like, “Yeah, I mean, that was just the way I was raised. Like, put others before yourself, you know?”

1)      Just out of curiosity… Was anyone raised specifically to put themselves above others?
2)  Ok but if she were truly raised in this highly moral home of which she is speaking, SHE WOULD HAVE FREAKED OUT ABOUT THE ONE AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS. Cause some of us WERE actually raised in those homes and in addition to putting others before ourselves, we had to Take. Responsibility. If that thing breaks and you're the only one in the room, you're responsible and you're paying for it. 

3)      Either Dez the Arnez was on a Checklist high, from getting Sean to check off so many boxes, that she just kept rambling, OR this is the line ABC used to suffice for what probably included: “I was raised in the church.” Checks AND stars in that box on Sean’s list, Dez.

        They’re now having a deep conversation on the side of the hot tub. I can’t decide what I think about it. I WILL say that when Sean remarked that The Arnaz was the first one to see every side of him, and he prefaced it with, “You wanna know a secret?” that was the first time I’d ever watched him say something and thought: Ok, Sean. That was sexy.” (Because let’s face it: while it might have been sexy, otherwise, Sean’s running through the streets of Prague, calling Emily’s name was just about the most staged thing EVER.)

Oh Sean REEEEALLY The Dez . Rose, rose, rose, makeout, makeout, rose… (Really? They didn’t play a single game of Categories in the pool?)

6)      COCKTAIL PARTY:

Lindsay, the drunken bride, tries to make up for her… previous antics. She seems pretty non-crazy. She clearly knows what she’s doing, as she references her parents’ strong relationship, while Sean checks that off the list, right above the “wants to grow old with a best friend” requirement.

Dear Sean: you aren’t “scared that Lindsay all of the sudden came up on your radar” you’re scared that YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS CRAZY AND SHE TURNED OUT TO BE SEMI NOT-CRAY (as far as you can tell…)

Apparently the girls think that some chick named Amanda is hot and cold yet also standoffish. I’m sorry… who? Was she even on the group date? Has she been flying under the radar until now, or have they just not been airing all the girls whining about her?

Oh we come back from the commercial break and this Amanda girl has a mug. A MUG, PEOPLE, SHE’S OFFICIALLY OFF HER ROCKER! What’s next?

Robyn pulls Sean aside to grill him about his “type.” Before we go any further, I need to remark that Sean just uttered the words “it don’t matter.”

…I will let that phrase speak for itself.

Robyn, let’s address some things: First of all: “I’ve noticed the variety of ethnicity.”  Secondly: “You’re just so… (insert circular hand gesture here) yeahhhh.”

1)      When you make a big statement like that, you need to specify. That you’ve noticed there’s a bigger variety of ethnicity ON THIS SEASON. It makes for a much clearer presentation of your ideas.

2)      I’m sorry, but are we in agreement that Robyn is totally one of those girls who will gush about how much she “loves it” that Sean is one of those guys that “just gets her”? Case in point: she circled her hand around in the air, letting that suffice for her words, instead of articulating “Wow. You are in such passionate pursuit of a genuine heart that you don’t see skin color. And that is hott.” Sean, to his credit, knew that this was the sentiment that she was getting at, and affirmed her for such. She will now insist that “they don’t need words,” and so forth. To which I say: STAND UP AND TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE ARTICULATION OF YOUR IDEAS.

Alice Cullen apparently missed the vampire-vision of the future that would have told her that Sean was LYING when he said he was fluent in Farsi.

I love that we’re hearing how CRAAAAAZY Amanda is, but we have yet to see or hear her say a single word... I'm gonna vote that the Big Shot Editors left the room at this point in their work on the episode, slapping the Rookie Editor on the back and telling him to "have fun making a villain!" and "don't let us down, kid!" Left to his own devices, this is the villain that Rookie came up with. Not too shabby. Not too accurate, either, but not too shabby... 

Dez the Arnez just remarked that shes “so tired of people being manipulated.”

…I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume that she meant to say manipulative, but that’s just a guess. Sure, a guess that is very heavily rooted on the blatant lack of elucidation these girls seem to possess this season.

6)    ROSE CEREMONY

Hare gives a preemptive Rose Ceremony speech that does nothing but maybe vaguely hint that he’s gearing up for some pretty psychotic exits tonight.

Roses go to:

1)      aShLeE

2)      Drunken Bride

3)      Robyn, who needs no words

4)      Jackie, the birthday girl

5)      Lesley M, who is ready to be Sean's First Lady

6)      Selma/Alice Cullen

7)      Catherine, the Vegan who likes beef

8)      Kristy, who will be coming to a Walgreens near you any day now.

9)      Leslie H, who was wearing some semblence of a wedding dress tonight

10)   Tiara

11)   Taryn, who we've maybe heard four words from

12)   Daniella (who no longer looks like a blonde Tiara right now, but more like Bridgette Wilson Sampras)

13)   OH DUH AMANDA WAS GETTING THE FINAL ROSE, WE KNEW THAT. She hasn’t been overtly crazy enough to drive the other girls to fake advise (gossip) to Sean about her…

Brandy and Maggie Gyllenhaal said goodbye to us tonight, with Brandy remarking: “I was excited about love. But love just wasn’t here.”

I’m racking my brain for an appropriate cliché reply to this, about where to look for love, but alas, I’m drawing a blank.

And finally we see Lesley and her knowledge of Greek Mythology. Dear Lesley, will you please be my Best Friend Forever? Kthanks.