- The Jim Comey testimony was everything I wanted and more. (Yes, I watched all three hours of it. And all two hours of Jeff Sessions’ testimony. I’ve been watching way too much C-SPAN lately -whatever, I’m turning into my grandmother and I’m ok with it) Props to Comey for phrases like, “No fuzz on that,” and his quoting of Henry II. Bless.
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| Zero Fuzz. |
- Y’all… This Bachelor in Paradise thing… I very genuinely feel like a mother of five who found out that month-long summer camp was cancelled. WHAT am I supposed to do with my summer?!?!?!?! I am so upset. I am REELING. But seriously – how crazy is that whole thing? From all angles?! Now ABC has to come up with FOUR hours of programming for the summer (two hours of BIP on Mondays, an hour on Tuesdays followed by the live after show) everyone in production and post production is now out of a job, not to mention that this whole thing throws the show onto the front lines of every political debate ever: victim blaming, slut shaming, feminism, late capitalism (I’m looking at you, Buck Curley) DeMario says they should release the tapes. I say release the Comey tapes first, but JK ROFL we all know those tapes don’t even exist.
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| RIP Harambe |
OHHH DR. BRYAN COMING IN STRONG WITH THE VULNERABILITY JARGON. I really like Bryan, but he’s just old AF. Rachel is scared that Bryan is too good to be true and Bryan has nothing to say to that except more… too good to be true jargon. Bryan is spitting some major game tonight… Before spitting into Rachel’s mouth. I do like Rachel’s coat. NOW THE KENNY-LEE CONFRONTATION IS COMING, MY BODY IS READY.
Kenny’s calm demeanor going into this is exceptional. Dunno know why Diggy is lurking in the background, though. The editing on this is kind of poor. Their conversation doesn’t make sense. Rachel is equally troubled by it as she talks to the large-eared elven man that I’ve never seen. Oh wait. Didn’t I make a Rivendell joke last week about him? Who is this guy? Lee is now saying some more nonsensical things about tears and beers to the “corky” male model, THANK GOD PETER IS HERE NOW. Peter, take me away, cowboy. Find us a river we can skate away on. Just say you won't let go. (And any other song lyrics that are appropriate, here) To be honest, I don’t exactly have a handle on the pressures that Rachel is telling this producer that she's facing, but what I DO have a handle on is the fact that the camera got WAY too close to Tickle Monster’s face, just now.
The producer has called in the big guns for Rachel and Hare shows up, insisting that he can facilitate anything. Can he facilitate a new shirt for Dean? This Hawaiian thing needs to go. Breaking news- oh my gosh it isn’t just a terrible purple zebra blazer that Alex is wearing, it’s an entire SUIT. No wonder Rachel ended the cocktail party early.
Roses went to: Will, Dean, Tickle Monster, Peter, (I feel like this track of music indicates that Lee is going to stay) Adam, Bryan, Matt (who? Is this the same guy I was asking about last week?) Josiah, Jack (so far the only words we’ve heard from Jack are that he knows the difference between cork and quirk) Iggy, Kenny, and last and least: Lee.
Sucks that Rivendell guy got his time cut off because of Lee and he still hast to go home. At least Diggy has his shoe collection waiting for him.
South Carolina:
They made it look like the guys had a private plane to HH… That is very clearly not true. #Southwest #FlyTheFriendlySkies #OrSomethingLikeThat But I am loving the dudes racing golf carts right now because I love watching dudes doing things.
One On One:
Dean
Y’ALL DEAN IS SO CUTE I CAN’T HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW. The kind of cute where if he tried to talk to me I would genuinely just say nonsensical things. I really wish that I could hold him accountable for the shorts and pants he chose to wear on this date. And honestly he's young and poor enough that he's probably still wearing his high school wardrobe (oh, was that just me?)
Strange that Rachel thinks she can make Dean feel more reassured by driving the blimp herself. So glad that Dean is trying to find the seat belt before taking the reins himself. Dean is gonna fall hard for Rachel after this – you guys KNOW my statistics on dates with adrenaline. I love how Rachel thinks she’s a daredevil for... manning a completely piloted blimp.
The set-up of these moss trees reminds me of an EXCEPTIONAL show on CMT called “Sweet Home Alabama.” If you’ve never seen it, EDUCATE THYSELF and get back to me.
Dean starts dinner off with a vanilla “tell me about your upbringing.” And then replies that the foundation of his childhood was religion and… dirt bikes. Ok wait this story about his mom is devastating. Oh my GOODNESS. Dean passed Rachel’s expectations on this date. And mine. I have a lot more questions about what happened between 15 and 18 then 18 to 25, but meanwhile:
(Sidenote: that Secret deodorant commercial... Where the girl is fanning her armpits in front of the AC, talking to an imaginary date? ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ME) Second sidenote: have you guys seen that T-Mobile commercial where the guy tries to buy lemonade from a little girl and she adds all those extra fees? THAT GUY is Dan from Dez’s season, also the dude that hooked up with Onion Ashley on BIP. (Rest in Peace, BIP)
Ohhh heeeey Russell Dickerson. Let me tell you about how much I love this song he is singing right now: a giant part of my life is based on analyzing and finding the perfect First Dance song. It’s my first question after EVERY wedding, and it’s really the only thing that matters. (I got two texts this weekend, as a matter of fact, with the titles of the first dance songs from two different weddings, because my really good friends know how to head me off at the pass with my wedding questions.) My brother actually introduced me to Russell Dickerson (because he supports my unfounded notion that the first dance song is the only thing that matters about a marriage) and if you all will remember Patrick Shea, winner of the “Boyfriend of the Year” award I mentioned a while ago – HIS song with his girlfriend (of the Century) Katie is the very song Russell played. ALSO THEY HAVE MET RUSSELL DICKERSON. It’s very casual.
Group Date:
Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Le, Iggy, Eric, Will, Josiah
Peter’s reading of this date card was the WORST in the history of this entire show, how even? I’m happy for Jack getting a one-on-one because he knew the difference between “cork” and “quirk” AND he’s an attorney.
Josiah is already pretty sloshed and it's probably only about 11 am. Kenny’s rapping is delightful, but you KNOW that I’m real into Peter spitting rhymes in that coral shirt right now.
Look, I’m all about a spelling Bee, but the fact that they’ve made these guys pound drinks and now they’re making them spell... is a lot. Rachel thinks intelligence is sexy. I do too, but I feel like there are many better indications of intelligence spelling words. I’m glad they put that Bachelor PA to work making him draw a bunch of bees to hang up all over the place.
To be fair, I don’t think I could spell boudoir… Wait, I typed it correctly, just now! Eric and “façade…” is very disappointing to me. It looks like Josiah is still pretty sloshed, and he’s still spelling correctly, but we haven’t seen him face any tough ones… boutinnere… Boutinerre… Oh I would NOT get that one. "Physiological," not a tough one. "Polyamorous," also not difficult. I’d honestly be fine if there weren’t any French words up in it…
Clearly Peter never had Joe Croker as an English teacher and never saw Bridget Jones’ Diary.
If Rachel has a choice, she would never wear shoes. Samesies, Rachel...
Y’ALL DEAN IS SO CUTE I CAN’T HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW. The kind of cute where if he tried to talk to me I would genuinely just say nonsensical things. I really wish that I could hold him accountable for the shorts and pants he chose to wear on this date. And honestly he's young and poor enough that he's probably still wearing his high school wardrobe (oh, was that just me?)
Strange that Rachel thinks she can make Dean feel more reassured by driving the blimp herself. So glad that Dean is trying to find the seat belt before taking the reins himself. Dean is gonna fall hard for Rachel after this – you guys KNOW my statistics on dates with adrenaline. I love how Rachel thinks she’s a daredevil for... manning a completely piloted blimp.
The set-up of these moss trees reminds me of an EXCEPTIONAL show on CMT called “Sweet Home Alabama.” If you’ve never seen it, EDUCATE THYSELF and get back to me.
Dean starts dinner off with a vanilla “tell me about your upbringing.” And then replies that the foundation of his childhood was religion and… dirt bikes. Ok wait this story about his mom is devastating. Oh my GOODNESS. Dean passed Rachel’s expectations on this date. And mine. I have a lot more questions about what happened between 15 and 18 then 18 to 25, but meanwhile:
 |
(Sidenote: that Secret deodorant commercial... Where the girl is fanning her armpits in front of the AC, talking to an imaginary date? ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ME) Second sidenote: have you guys seen that T-Mobile commercial where the guy tries to buy lemonade from a little girl and she adds all those extra fees? THAT GUY is Dan from Dez’s season, also the dude that hooked up with Onion Ashley on BIP. (Rest in Peace, BIP)
Ohhh heeeey Russell Dickerson. Let me tell you about how much I love this song he is singing right now: a giant part of my life is based on analyzing and finding the perfect First Dance song. It’s my first question after EVERY wedding, and it’s really the only thing that matters. (I got two texts this weekend, as a matter of fact, with the titles of the first dance songs from two different weddings, because my really good friends know how to head me off at the pass with my wedding questions.) My brother actually introduced me to Russell Dickerson (because he supports my unfounded notion that the first dance song is the only thing that matters about a marriage) and if you all will remember Patrick Shea, winner of the “Boyfriend of the Year” award I mentioned a while ago – HIS song with his girlfriend (of the Century) Katie is the very song Russell played. ALSO THEY HAVE MET RUSSELL DICKERSON. It’s very casual.
Group Date:
Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Le, Iggy, Eric, Will, Josiah
Peter’s reading of this date card was the WORST in the history of this entire show, how even? I’m happy for Jack getting a one-on-one because he knew the difference between “cork” and “quirk” AND he’s an attorney.
(JK the jury is totally still out on Jack, but he's got everything going for him so far....)
Josiah is already pretty sloshed and it's probably only about 11 am. Kenny’s rapping is delightful, but you KNOW that I’m real into Peter spitting rhymes in that coral shirt right now.
Look, I’m all about a spelling Bee, but the fact that they’ve made these guys pound drinks and now they’re making them spell... is a lot. Rachel thinks intelligence is sexy. I do too, but I feel like there are many better indications of intelligence spelling words. I’m glad they put that Bachelor PA to work making him draw a bunch of bees to hang up all over the place.
To be fair, I don’t think I could spell boudoir… Wait, I typed it correctly, just now! Eric and “façade…” is very disappointing to me. It looks like Josiah is still pretty sloshed, and he’s still spelling correctly, but we haven’t seen him face any tough ones… boutinnere… Boutinerre… Oh I would NOT get that one. "Physiological," not a tough one. "Polyamorous," also not difficult. I’d honestly be fine if there weren’t any French words up in it…
Clearly Peter never had Joe Croker as an English teacher and never saw Bridget Jones’ Diary.
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| Mr. FitzHerbert... Because that... is his name. |
If Rachel has a choice, she would never wear shoes. Samesies, Rachel...
...unless you could Vibrams.
How did it come to be that Rachel is licensed to practice law in Wisconsin?? Is no one going to ask her about that? And by "no one," I mean "Peter."
Eric is making a GREAT comeback right now. He really could have slipped into just talking about Lee and Kenny, but he is using his time VERY wisely and I'm impressed.
I’m so bored by Iggy talking smack about Josiah to Rachel. He is still sweaty, what is going ON? And now he goes back and talks to Josiah. And tells him exactly what he said. He is such a pot stirrer!! I feel like Eric called him out really well, telling him he was part of the problem. Iggy needs to go.
Lee is digging a massive hole for himself, for the Men Tell All, it’s really just incredible. Telling Rachel how he "loves the guy" about Kenny, then turning around and telling the camera how much he likes baiting him... Also the fact that he said “yes ma’am” to Rachel is unreal.
Alex and Peter are obviously pretty sober and they’re not into Lee’s shenanigans at the bar right now. Also I have a big problem with the fact that the men seem to think “disingenuine” is a word.
How did it come to be that Rachel is licensed to practice law in Wisconsin?? Is no one going to ask her about that? And by "no one," I mean "Peter."
Eric is making a GREAT comeback right now. He really could have slipped into just talking about Lee and Kenny, but he is using his time VERY wisely and I'm impressed.
I’m so bored by Iggy talking smack about Josiah to Rachel. He is still sweaty, what is going ON? And now he goes back and talks to Josiah. And tells him exactly what he said. He is such a pot stirrer!! I feel like Eric called him out really well, telling him he was part of the problem. Iggy needs to go.
Lee is digging a massive hole for himself, for the Men Tell All, it’s really just incredible. Telling Rachel how he "loves the guy" about Kenny, then turning around and telling the camera how much he likes baiting him... Also the fact that he said “yes ma’am” to Rachel is unreal.
Alex and Peter are obviously pretty sober and they’re not into Lee’s shenanigans at the bar right now. Also I have a big problem with the fact that the men seem to think “disingenuine” is a word.
Kenny is trying to tell Rachel about what happened the night of the rose ceremony but she is NOT having it. She wasn't even into his rapping. Also massive points to Kenny because he actually commented on this, observing her closed body language.
OHHHH HE JUST DROPPED THE “ALTERNATIVE FACTS” ON US. No one is safe.
Who is Will even talking about when Kenny comes in to grab Lee for a chat? I really like Will more and more, but I’m still so upset about his Urkel Schtick. But he gets points for doing so well on the Spelling Bee.
Kenny and Josiah doing Game of Thrones while Alex looks on is so delightful in my life right now.
OHHHH HE JUST DROPPED THE “ALTERNATIVE FACTS” ON US. No one is safe.
Who is Will even talking about when Kenny comes in to grab Lee for a chat? I really like Will more and more, but I’m still so upset about his Urkel Schtick. But he gets points for doing so well on the Spelling Bee.
Kenny and Josiah doing Game of Thrones while Alex looks on is so delightful in my life right now.
WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO JACK'S DATE!! What is life? Thank goodness we get two episodes next week, so rude of the sport games to intrude on our airtime last week.
Ugh, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...
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