Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Jake Tells All

If you have independently sought this page in pursuit of funnies, we salute you. We here at Please Stop Crying, LLC couldn't do it without you. And by "we" I mean "the team."
You didn't know Grace had a team of people working for her, did you? I don't really know how to put this, but... She's kind of a big deal. People know her.
And by "team," I obviously mean: Jacob Lemon Schlepitz III. Yes I, former Bachelorette Intern Jacob am working for Grace C. Douglas, as of 5 PM, Pacific Coast Time on Monday, July 28th, 2014.
Seems that Chris Harrison didn't want to give me proper credit for my concoction of an UPCOMING BACHELOR FRANCHISE SHOW THAT WILL NOT BE NAMED DUE TO LEGAL PURPOSES. That's right. Who do you think put the Footloose classic "Almost Paradise" on Hare's "On the Go" playlist? When Hare was listening to the Jawbone, drenched in Venetian Bourbon, on a gondola in an unnamed canal in Venice and that little ditty came on... WHO do you think was planting seeds in his mind the whole time, with animated reminders of what it could do for ratings if Marquel and Claire Crawley were on the same show together? Possibly in a Shabby Chic hut, on a remote Mexican island? Don't be fooled by his boyish charm and cunning good looks, America. Bachelor in Paradise is MY show. MY idea.

Whoops. I think my lawyer told me not to do that.

#StillLearning #JustLikeKasey #AndArlington #PrayForArlington #MostlyPrayForTheirEconomy

But there you have it. I am Ground Zero of Grace's team, and we're doing REALLY exciting things, over here. And one of my first orders of business was to put you guys off for a little while cause Grace is VERY busy and important (think: Bridget Jones at the beginning of the movie, circa beginning of affair with Daniel Cleaver, minus the short skirt and see-through blouse. Ok minus Daniel Cleaver, too, maybe just the part where she says "Shut up please, I'm very busy and important...") We here at Please Stop Crying, LLC strive to ONLY bring you the funniest material. So until the hilarity is ready to be served, we settle for nothing less. Commentary to follow, soon.

...What's that, boss? Cookies? Yeah, I can take care of that...

If you're a bird...


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