Monday, July 21, 2014

That Doesn't Look Like A Thumb to Me, Greg...

Men Tell All
Guys Left: Nick and Josh
LRPG: Carolyn and Cat
Suave Booth: Andi (holy guacamole they're moving her out of the spotlight REAL quick! You know you've officially begun your descent from stardom when you get thrown in the Suave Booth...) 

First things first: Harrison was on FIRE last night. He took that studio like a blazing California wildfire and it was TOTALLY OK. I have absolutely no doubt that he and Elan Gale are sipping their bourbon and giggling madly right now about the fools at the TV Academy who saw fit NOT to nominate him (again) for Outstanding Host of a Reality Program... 

This commentary is dedicated to YOU, Hare. 

Perr uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Let's start with one of Hare's opening lines: “You’re NOT going to believe that this is gonna be on TV… BUT IT WILL BE." This is basically the song of his soul. Again: totally ok. 

The joke about Ashley and JP moving to Forbes’ #1 Most Miserable City in America… to be closer to Juan Pablo (the other JP)... Not so ok. (Update: Miami has been knocked off the top by several cities in Michigan, and at least JP's Bubbe can get some EXCELLENT Matzo Ball Soup when she comes to see the grandbaby..) 

Let's clap it up for Greg, the stenographer. It was SO bizarre that they did this all on national television. My theory is that they needed to fill some air time and so they had Ashley and JP on there, but knew there would be NOTHING juicy, so they brought out ole Greg...

It's a boy. 

Gregory showed us all the different parts of the baby (all five of them, cause it is, after all, a BABY) and I will now formally invoke a slowclap for Harrison's “That doesn't look like a thumb to me, Greg.”

It's a boy.

MOVING ONTO THE MEN: I am LOVING the scarves right now. 

United bromance humor. THIS is how I feel about it: 

It's a boy. 

Just a quick reminder to everyone: Marcus is TWENTY. FIVE. He is one year older than I. ONE

Fact: when you've been watching this show since you were ten, you tend to think of the contestants as SIGNIFICANTLY older than you. This is no longer the case. And this is how I feel about it:

MARQUEL HAS A COOKIE PIN ON HIS BLAZER AND I'M SO IN LOVE WITH HIM THAT THE CLUB CAN'T EVEN HANDLE ME RIGHT NOW. (Love for Marquel only exceeded by love for Czar Nicholas. Truth.) Anyone else see Hare's blog where he talked about how much the crew loved Marquel? He is literally my dream man. (Yes, this does mean that all it takes to fill that role is toss some cookies my way...) 

Oh blah blah blah, they "confront" each other about "racism." The sky is blue, the grass is green, the men faux-confront each other... Oh wow. Andrew calling Marquel “Ron,” just now. YIKES. 

Also: Marquel is NOT afraid to talk about prayer and faith and I’m NOT upset about it.

(Sidenote: Tasos' socks are so high. And his pants are SO short. (Poor Tasos. The guy who didn't even get a rose ceremony because they were talking about Eric...) Marcus, on the other hand, is wearing NO socks tonight.)

I fast forwarded through the recap of the season that they showed when each guy took the hot seat, but then I MADE PLENTY OF TIME to watch the recap of Marquel. CAUSE I WANTED TO SEE THOSE COOKIES. 

Ok, back to this racism/manly confrontation thing. Andrew did make a remarkably good point in saying that JJ's credibility was in question because he chose to come forward with the information so very late in the game. And by whom was Chris backed up, on this one?? 


The only, ONLY thing that makes me question JJ is the fact that… Coach. Questioned. JJ. His “your apology would have been great if it didn’t have a ‘I don’t care what you think.’” So articulate, right now. Nails being hit on the head, left and right, Coachie. 

Back to Marquel:

Carolyn: You woulda given him the First Impression Rose.
Grace: I woulda given him the EVERY rose…
Marquel: I probably had my head in the cookies or something…

Hare: So do you wish you’d done anything differently?
Marquel: Sure, sure…

Great segue, bro. 

To Pto-golfer Nick S, who is trying to accuse Andi of having her guard up at the second cocktail party... , I'd like to say: "What do you expect, Nick S? For her to say, "I'm sorry, Nick, I did have my guard up, come here, I'll give you another shot!"

And finally, let's clap it up for this Ketra chick. Or Kendra. Petra? Peeta? Hare was relatively unfazed when she stepped forward, "Apparently we have an open forum talk show now..." #EmmyForHare Aaaand then Opera Bradley trying to emulate Chris's "wrap it up" gesture... FAIL
1) Thank you, Petra, for setting a gold standard: whether Andi picks Nick or not, I WILL be interrupting the show to propose to him, during the "live" After the Final Rose...
2) Are they going to show Farmer Chris' and Petra's failed date? Or is she going to be a contestant on The Bachelor, in just a few weeks? (Speaking of which: I called him "Crazy-Eyed Chris" for his flighty, darty eyes, but how about that time that Harrison jokingly (BUTNOTSOJOKINGLY) threatened to call security on him, last night? Why didn't he call security on Shawntel, when she showed up on Ben Flajnik's season? Or that Bachelor Pad super fan showing up on Sean's season?? OR KACIE B SHOWING UP ON SEAN'S SEASON?!?!

Last but certainly not least: I am SO incredibly stoked for Bachelor in Paradise, it is literally unreal

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