Thursday, July 31, 2014

Then Why Did You MAKE LOVE With Me??

This Week: Finale
Next Week: Bachelor In Paradise (I'MSOEXCITED)
Living Room Peanut Gallery: Carolyn, Johnny, Bryan, the Occasional Matt
Suave Booth: Andi (already stepping right off of that fame pedestal and into the Booth... ) 

Perr uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Whatever, I'm writing this from 30,000 feet, en route to Chicago, to pursue Nick, aka MY ONE TRUE LOVE.

Alright, let's start with this: Remember when Kelly Jo met Bob Guiney's family? (In case you're NOT the die hard fan that I am, and you don't know what I'm talking about: Kelly Jo was more perfect for Bob than Frank was for Ali. Than My Best Friend Leslie was for Sean. They were perfect. But she just FAILED when she met his parents. It was so bizarre. I was in fifth grade, watching on the dinky little TV that was in our guest room (that had a DIAL that you turned, to change channels: TRUE STORY) and I remember thinking "Does she have a migraine right now? Why is this the worst thing EVER?") I had flashbacks to this, watching Nick's date. It wasn't even that it was so terrible, it's just that it wasn't EXCELLENT, and it totally should have been. 

Andi: (to her sister) I connect with Nick on so many levels. I mean, Nick SEES. ME.

Grace: YES. Yes that is the moneymaker. He SEES her.

Bryan: Oh, shut up already.

Grace: Matt, does Jasmine SEE you?

Matt: (blank stare)

Grace: Your girlfriend. Jasmine. Does she SEE you?

…this sent the guys into a spree of yuk yuk jokery…

Matt: You mean like, is she blind? She drove here the other day, don’t you remember? She couldn’t do that if she couldn’t see

Johnny: Don’t you remember how she painted his room with him? Her eyesight is fine. Why would you think she was blind?

No Yuk Yuk Zone.

As Andi and Nick sit awkwardly on the couch, Andi tells Ma and Hy that Nick was her one on one date in Venice. They nod along like they maybe have SOME semblance of that about which she is speaking. They clearly know NOTHING. (Update: apparently Venice is special to her family. We had ZERO indication of this from Ma and Hy.)

As I watch Mama’s “listening” face, I’m struck: Could it be that Andi HASN’T had work done? Did she inherit the duck lips from Mama? 

Maybe she's born with it... 

Ugh. I also have such an issue with Nick’s version of asking for Hy’s blessing: “It would… really mean a lot to me… if you approved of me asking her to marry me…”

Grace: Hey Bry, when you ask Big Daddy for his permission to marry me, you need to ASK him, don’t do this passive beat-around-the-bush thing…

Bryan: I plan on just getting really wasted and then asking…

Carolyn: Buyin’ drinks for everybody but the pilot, it’s a party… 

I am very into this vial of sand that he gave her. And to anyone who wants to whine that it's creepy: I dare you to name a gift into which you've put more thought... I think I'm mostly into it because the only vial I can think of someone giving their significant other is the vials of blood that Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton wore around their necks... Anyone else remember reading that in Us Weekly?  (Yes: at age 11 my commentary about hometown date fails was JUST as wry and I was poring over gossip mags just as much as I do now... Few things have changed...)

I have very little to say about Josh meeting the family… Except that they liked him a lot.

And then afterward, where he bestowed his gift upon her (remember when it was Juan Pablo's season and he was playing that Josh Rachet song for Claire, after SOMEHOW talking her into thinking he WASN'T a dog?) Blah blah Josh gives her a baseball card... He has the handwriting of an 11 year old girl… WHOA WHOA WHOA THE BASEBALL CARD HAS HER LAST NAME ON IT. 
Take the phone off the hook, and disappear for a while... 

I do NOT remember the last time we saw THIS kind of review footage of the final two, with THIS kind of music with THIS kind of voiceover…. Oh no. OH. NO. Wait now we're hearing the voiceover about how Andi woke up this morning and felt that something wasn't right. DIEEEEEEEE

(Meanwhile: We cut back to Hare in the studio right after Andi said those words, and I immediately hit the fast forward button. Everyone in the room basically jumped down my throat with things like, "We have to hear what he has to say!" I didn't take my finger off the fast forward button as I scoffed, "You amateurs. He's saying NOTHING useful, it's all a part of building the stupid suspense. We will hear NOTHING of value in that segment." (But yes, I graciously went back and proved this to them...) 

So Andi is letting Nick down easy. Or more easily than if he'd gotten down on one knee and everything (remember when Ashley stopped Ben Flajnik? Terrible.) My question: how did she talk the producers into this one? Or rather: how did they NOT talk her out of it? I mean, isn't that kind of the deal? Ya gotta pick one and ya gotta break one's heart? Granted: Andi's no pioneer: remember when Ali said goodbye to Cape Cod Chris? Ugh, what IS it with my men getting sent home early?
But if nothing else, the most poignant moment in Andi's speech was, “You and I over-analyze everything and a life with you would be me analyzing every single moment…” 

...well... that certainly isn't a very false statement... 

The one armed hug. He is giving her a one-armed hug. I CAN’T DEAL. The raaaaain. Whyyyyy. 

Johnny; “I feel like Nick is the guy that writes Yelp reviews… If he has a terrible date, he’ll blame it on the restaurant and write a terrible review on Yelp, to make himself feel heard…” 

In his voiceover, we hear that Czar Nicholas was most looking forward to having a family with Andi. Can’t begrudge him THAT one. What seems to be the hardest for him is that he seems to think that Andi not choosing him means that she felt NOTHING for him. Clearly this isn't the case, she just felt MORE for Josh. (I'm not saying that's an easy concept to grasp, but it seems to get overlooked quite frequently on this show...)

Ok but this proposal SPEECH of Josh’s. The Living Room Peanut Gallery had some thoughts on it:

Grace: Clearly Neil Lane had a collection of proposal monologues and Josh picked out the LONGEST one.

Johnny: I’m pretty sure they’re holding up cue cards behind Andi’s head.

Grace: There have to be cue cards. There’s no way he could memorize a Neil Lane Proposal piece in under six hours. Unless this is a piece that he wrote after the first cocktail party and has been memorizing ever since. Then it would MAYBE make sense…

Bryan: You’re just mad that dork boy didn’t win.

Grace: HE SEES HER, BRYAN. I wouldn’t wanna raise kids with Josh. Dad Dance Moves or no…

Aaaand now Andi is saying that she loved Josh the first moment she saw him… 

Ok… Josh and Andi are pretty cute. Except Josh is REAL sweaty and REAL red in the face. Sean and Catherine were sweaty, but Josh is SO red right now...

Stop saying “forever,” please, Andi. Ok but seriously you've said it NINETEEN times and each time it sounds more and more like you're trying to reassure yourself and Josh, as though he's somehow forgotten...

Thank God Josh took off that too-tight jacket.

Onto ATFR... So Crazy-Eyed-Chris can’t get past Craft Services, yet Nick just walks RIGHT through the door on the lot, into the studio… NOT SO CRAZY, AFTER ALL… #AmIRight #EmmyForHare

Can we talk about the VAST array of blue shirts in Hare’s dressing room, right now? Cause I'm LOVING it... Nick waits for Hare to go ask Andi if she's willing to see him. “She’s not ready to see me? Oh, well the good news is that I have a letter on standby, ready to go… Yeah, it’s right here…”
And then later on:
Hare: Do you think she made a mistake?
Nick: I don’t think it’s fair for me to answer that question…

CLASS. ACT, ladies and gentlemen. THAT is what he is.

Aaaaand then we have the most memorable line of the night:  “If you weren’t in love with me, why did you make love with me?”

Ok here’s the thing: I don’t think this was exactly below the belt. A classy move it was NOT, but it’s a legitimate question. Neanderthal LRPG member Bryan couldn’t stop whining about how much Nick sounded like a sissy little girl, and while I do think Czar Nicholas is MAGNIFICIENTLY more in touch with his emotions than the Neanderthal next to me… generally speaking, YES: the “I-thought-you-slept-with-me-because-you-loved-me” line tends to come out of the mouths of more females than it does males. Again: perfectly legitimate point, Nicholas. It sounds like he kind of made it clear to Andi that she shouldn’t sleep with him unless she was gonna choose him, and I’d say that Andi is smart enough NOT to have taken that ANY other way…

But even though Nick had vigorously watched all of Dez’s season, according to the guys, he apparently missed the memo that THIS IS THE BACHELORETTE. Hello?!? Why would you NOT think that would happen, Czar Nicholas?! Shhhhhh, come here. Let me heal your broken heart…

So so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so  excited for Bachelor in Paradise!!! Whether commentary will be provided remains to be seen, but one thing's for sure: I will undoubtedly rope the ENTIRE house into watching the show and the LRPG will be nothing short of ferocious... 

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