Tuesday, July 8, 2014

He Only Wore Underwear on School Days...

Let's start with a conversation last night, before I'd even started the episode:

My sentiments about this include, but are not limited to:

This commentary is dedicated to Connor Maleficent Moore. Connor hails from Dubuque, Iowa. (Supposedly) He is exceedingly tall. Exhibit A:

However, even after knowing Connor, and seeing last night's episode, I'm still not fully convinced that the state of Iowa actually exists. (Same goes for the state of Nebraska) 
However, if Andi winds up a homemaker in Arlington, Iowa, perhaps I shall be proved wrong.

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Guys left: 4
Next Week: Fantasy Suite
Suave Booth: Catherine Lowe... Again. Guess her hair hasn't grown sexy ENOUGH... 
LRPG: Carolyn, Johnny, Bryan

Milwaukee: Nick

Y'all, Im'ma say it: I'm all about Nick. I gave into the peer pressure for a little while and tried NOT to be, but it just isn't happening... Facts:
1) I still say that his ultimate match-made-in-heaven would be Sharmander.  Bachelor Pad III, anyone?
2) Producer Elan Gale hugged him for about forty-five minutes during the Eric Hill Wake. If Elan signs off on him, HE'S LEGIT. 
3) Let's clap it up for a guy who truly isn't here to make friends. When we hear that phrase, it's usually a way of excusing behavior to other contestants that is legitimately mean. Nick wasn't mean. He wasn't liked, but he doesn't really seem to have nasty things to say about other contestants... (ahem, Courtney Robertson...)

So Nick and Andi traipsed around the Milwaukee Public Market. Was anyone else reminded of this?

See any armadillo around? 

Aaaaand we all learned how to do the polka tonight, while they were there. It includes hopping around, and... hopping around. Then we met Nicholas' family. WHY IS HIS FAMILY JUST THE HUGE-EST?! He seriously has fifteen brothers and sisters. Ok, maybe not quite that many, but his family was definitely more overwhelming that Crazy Claire's family of five sisters, last season. Is Trista Rehn-Sutter one of his sisters? This brunette that is grilling Andi right now could be Trista's sister. (But she is, in fact, Nick's sister, because he has fifty of them)

Trista: Does she make you laugh?
Nick: She just makes me smile…


But the sister about whom I DO want to speak is this delightful creature that is Bella. First of all, Andi’s ability to talk to children… ISN’T. But Bella is just so fantastic that it doesn't even matter. She asked Andi a billion questions, then proceeded to forget both the questions and the answers, when she was talking to Nick. May we also address the fact that Nick and Bella have probably spent about sixty total seconds together in their lifetime? Nick is 33. Bella is 10. There are 293847 siblings between them. I'm JUST saying. 

Bella for the next Bachelorette. YESTERDAY.

Nowhere, Iowa: Farmer Chris

I had seriously been waiting all week for this date. Ever since we saw previews, I was STOKED to see the shenanigans that would be the citizens of this mystical land known as Iowa. I was not disappointed.

I basically wanted this to be the date:
Climb up in my lap/drive if you want to... 

Andi was LOVING Chris's big green tractor, y'all. We did come to find out Chris's mention of "there's an opportunity to be a homemaker" was sarcasm, and I'll admit that I felt like a victim of the editor's wily whims in that moment... 

Chris has a HOUSE. That probably cost $7.00. Maybe $8.50. Andi is surprised that unlike all the guys she’s dated, Chris doesn’t have an apartment or a condo: he has a house. It is HUGE. I am VERY hopeful that the interior smells of Pier One, and while we have no way to tell, maybe we'll get some nice B Roll of Chris loafing around his house during the opening Traipse of his stint as El Bachelore.
(Ok wait, I did some actual research on real estate in Arlington (DON'T JUDGE ME; I'VE BEEN INEXPLICABLY INTO REAL ESTATE LATELY) And THIS quaint little 3 bedroom /2 bathroom 18-hundred-square-foot-gem is on the market for 120k.
Hey, I'm into those corner cabinets in that kitchen desk.... 
 One more time, for our viewers at home: THIS is the couch in that living room. Whether it's included in the purchase of the home, I know not. Oh, and there's zero down payment. #Arlington

When Chris and Andi were mid... cornfield, (I guess?) he started going on about "if you don’t like where you are, then it means that you won’t like what you're doing and who you’re with... ” I was expecting this to be followed with something akin to, “You know, if that's the case, we could always move to Des Moines or Keokuck..."

And now we're at Mama's house. The fake pears above the sink. On the visible command hook. I am LOVING  Iowa. They can be cold as their falling thermometers in December if you ask about their weather in July... (if you didn't get that reference, you may show yourself out) Andi knows that she needs to figure out if she gets along with the family, because “here in the country, you’d be seeing a lot more of them…” And oh Mama BELIEVES in the process of finding love on this show. Clearly she and her girls have seen a LOT of it, out in the country. And Andi would be seeing a LOT of Mama and her girls, if she moves out to the country...

I'd like to take a brief moment to slip into my tour guide outfit and provide you with a few quick facts about the All-American town that is Arlington, Iowa. If anyone has ANY questions about Arlingt- HIS FAMILY IS PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK RIGHT NOW. A roomful of adults is legitimately playing- oh wait. It’s sardines. Either way, roomful of adults. Playing sardines. Not mad. Back to what I was saying: if anyone has any questions about Arlington, Iowa, please check out their website: HERE. I was so bored with Josh's date that I did some pretty dense research about good ole Arlington. The town motto is "where hills and prairie meet," and they're "about an hour's drive northeast of Waterloo." (Seriously. Their website says "an hour's drive.") Recently this season, Chris revealed that the population of his hometown was somewhere around 750, if I recall correctly. WELL ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA, the population came in at 459 in the 2010 census, which was lower than the number recorded ten years prior: 490. I'm assuming Starmont High School to be Christopher's alma mater, (if he played football, then he was a Starmont Star) and CLEARLY he took his FFA classes VERY seriously. Yes, that's FFA for "Future Farmer's Of America," and it's a legitimate class. Along with "Computer." A Mr. and Mrs. Nelson teach the Music class. How quaint. (Seriously, it's all on the website) WHOAAAAA additionally, Chris has had no less than THIRTEEN run-ins with Johnny Law. A DUI and underage possession of alcohol, among other things...

Atlanta: Josh

Blah blah Andi and Josh are just like Travis Stork and Sarah Stone. (I'm surprised they didn't play that up more, on this date) At first our wily Bachelorette editors were playing music in the background that had percussion. This is a first. Bachelor/Bachelorette underscoring is always legato; WHAT IS GOING ON? And then they go into some faint piano strains that are quite reminiscent of The Fray, what is happening? That was pretty much all I wrote down for their date. Except this snip it of conversation:

Grace: Why would she play football with his family right now? What if she runs into Aaron and breaks his neck?
Johnny: They’d kill her. His whole family would literally murder her on national TV.

Dallas: Marcus 

So Marcus's little niece Finley made Andi and Marcus rainbow loom bracelets. Let’s skip Finley being in The Bachelorette: set her up with Mama Rene’s son, Ben, STAT. Don't you remember how he wanted to show Rene his bracelet collection?? #Don'tCallMeYenta #ArlingtonYenta #Yarlington

Ok so if he's from Dallas, why doesn’t Marcus have an accent? Ohhh wait. Listen to that Mama of his. THAT’S why. So the missing Romanov princess Anastasia is his mother. No WONDER his dad left. #Baggage #RumorInStPetersberg #Yarlington

Grace: I mean… no matter whom she sends home… now that it's on top of the news about Eric, this rose ceremony is going to be gruesome. Like, Red-Wedding-Gruesome.

Johnny: And you didn’t even see the Red Wedding.

Grace: Well... I saw part of it.

Johnny: None of these people would have been invited to the Red Wedding.

Bryan: Except Andi. Maybe.

Poor Marcus. BUT APPARENTLY HE'S GOING TO BE ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE, SO ALL IS WELL. I would like to pay homage to his parting words: "I don’t know what to do at this point because you were everything for me. I saw a future with us and I don’t know what to do with that..." Yiiiiiikes. I wouldn’t say that things “blew up in Marcus’ face,” but it's sad that he immediately remarked on how he regretted telling her that he loved her...

Ok this whole Eric Hill thing. MAN.

When I'm not reading about hopelessly random real estate listings, I'm usually reading interviews with Chris Harrison, and I've now read several about his perspective on how the whole thing was handled, and maybe I'm a brain-washed victim of the franchise, but... I kind of 100% stand behind him, that it needed to be shown. It seemed voyeuristic at first, but good ole Hare remarked that it would have been hypocritical NOT to present it, because they show EVERYTHING else in this franchise... That being said, I think this is the first time I've witnessed the presentation of someone passing away on... reality TV. What a bizarre notion that the four of us sitting in the living room watching last night inherently knew that it would have been impolite to make crass remarks about his passing, because even though we were watching TV, it wasn't CNN and it wasn't the Red Wedding, it was... real.


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