Tuesday, July 12, 2016

This Bus Would Not Pass Go

To jump right in: the guys sitting around talking about how emotionally stressful last night's rose ceremony was = THIS.

Fact: JoJo's bronzer game is WEAK.

Other facts:
1) Chase in a fantastic beat beatboxer.

TINA: Who wrote this thing?
JOHNNY: Some sad assistant.

"I like those trees... droopy trees." Oh Alex. Your time here is so limited.

JOHNNY: Alex's attire makes him look like a theme park attendant.
JOJO: Alex looks really good!

Meanwhile, back on the farm party bus:

JOHNNY: What is that mystery meat that Robby is eating?
TINA: Chad. He's eating Chad.

JoJo mounting the horse was pretty much how every day of my life goes, so I won't judge...
My life is a whole lotta this.... 

ALEX: You look like a something out of a Ralph Lauren model...

This whole horse whispering thing is... unsettling. I'm kind of into it, but kind of uncomfortable. Ohhhh they're kissing on top of the horse. This is so much. This horse is going to be the next Bachelor, if we're not careful...

ALEX: This is so perfect.
JOJO: It's nice.
JOHNNY: Tomato, tomato.

*Cue Argentinian Serenade...
JOHNNY: I love this song. I wrote this song.
CAROLYN: I wrote this song.
They turned toward each other:
JOHNNY: Which one of us wrote this song?

Alex tells JoJo, "I think that you would find happiness with my family." I like this line. Just as Alex was saying this, Johnny started doing his impression of Jane Fellows, Culver City Dance Instructor. I put the remote three centimeters away from his face and threatened AGAIN to turn on the closed captions.

And then JoJo says goodbye to Alex. And I'll give her points for that. And as they walk out, we're getting the swelling strains of my all-time favorite Bachelor reject music. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, ALEX.

Points to production for making his one-on-one time more significant than Jared's, on Kaitlyn's season. Where they drove a small car and kissed a castle.

Then we get to Jordan's second one-on-one...

This guy really doesn't have a single genuine bone in his body. I hate everything about him.

On Jordan:

LUKE: If you have box seats to the Superbowl, you're automatically the front runner.
GRACE: Not in my book, Meth Luke!
TINA: Only if you're a dude. I have never once considered that one.

Everything that Jordan is saying right now is 100% untrue.

Poll: Do you guys like Jordan more, after his spiel about his family? Or less? The Living Room was divided. Tina and Johnny liked him a tiny bit more. Carolyn and I liked him way less. Thoughtz?

Let's face it: we're on a sinking ship here, people. There really isn't a good match for the Jo-ster, in this crowd. MAYBE Meth Luke. Maybe. Chase is too boring, Jordan just wants followers on social media, Robby is a lady, and we all know that she isn't gonna end up with Sweet Baby James. (I have no doubt that he'll find a nice girl. Truly.) But maybe that footage of JoJo breaking down and sobbing in next week's episode is because she is STRAIGHT OUTTA OPTIONS.

MEANWHILE, on Jordan's social media campaign:

GRACE: That slit is HIGH in that skirt.
CAROLYN: Geez, Jordan is into these shove-her-into-a-wall kisses.
TINA: They probably just stopped halfway up the stairs because she couldn't go any further up the stairs in that skirt.

Whatever this weird 3 on 1 group date was:

Shout out to a one Christian Garvey who gave me a sensible heads up: "The three on one date is straight out of Great Gatsby when they go to Tom's mistresses' apartment and get drunk."

All I can say is that after Robby strips down and runs around, he is very much intoxicated in his interviews. Like, please stop speaking, Robby, cause you're no longer composing full sentences.

JOJO: Do you think you've moved on, after four years?
ROBBY: Yeah, I've moved on.
LIVING ROOM: You have not.

CHASE: I'm definitely having the emotions of love with JoJo.

Rose went to... Robby.

The Living Room Peanut Gallery hates how much James T has turned into a snitch. I could definitely do without it. But I also think that withstanding his brightly colored Eagle American Flag tattoo, I could VERY easily be the woman that he brings home to Mama and says "THIS IS THE WOMAN YOU'VE WANTED FOR ME."

Meth Luke:

JOHNNY: He's so boring.
GRACE: His hair is so tall.

JoJo's accent gets noticeably thicker whenever she talks to Luke or James. I'm not sure what I think about that.

I CAN tell you that I DO know what I think about Luke commanding this date right now: I am INTO it. I'm pulling for Luke to be the next Bachelor.

Ok guys, straight up: I'm gonna be really open and honest right now, and tell you that I'm falling- JUST KIDDING, I'm not going to tell you that I'm falling in love. I'm going to tell you that I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS PHRASE MEANS.... Seriously, what does "hay is in the barn" mean? I'm too tired to really google it and the answers aren't making themselves readily available when I do... Can anyone help me out, here? We've heard it several times this season. I know a LOT of trivial idioms, but I cannot say that I know this one. You know the phrase "raining cats and dogs?" That term originated in Elizabethan England - when it rained really hard, the cats and dogs would roll off the roof, where they were lazing in the sun. The term "sleep tight?" That's because before there were base boards in a bed, ropes had to be tightened under the "mattress," I'm telling you - I know a lot of them. Why is hay in the barn? Has it always been there? Is there a lot of it? Does everyone know it's there? PLZ HALP.

James T is a national treasure. I really want him to be the next Bachelor. I don't think he's going to be. But then Tina very wisely pointed out "Look at Bachelor Bob!"

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

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