Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Hometown Dates

Listen, I’m just gonna run this like a church service and take these first few minutes to do some announcements:

1) You guys know I’m not big on political statements. I don’t like to feign expertise on anything and I don’t like unnecessary soapboxes, but in light of the recent events, I feel obligated to share that: YOU GUYS, I SAW INDEPENDENCE DAY 2: RESURGENCE, this weekend. I have several thoughts:

          a. Jeff Goldblum is aging like a fine wine.

          b. Once he shaved his beard, Bill Pullman was aging like a sufficiently OK wine. (Huge fan of his. For life)

          c. Surprising no one, Big Daddy’s first question: “OMG how was Sela Ward as the female president?” You know that man loves a fierce female protagonist.

          d. It’s a shame – a SHAME that Will Smith wasn’t in that movie.

          e. Vivica Fox had a nice appearance. She’s a doctor, twenty years later. A stripper turned doctor. God bless America.

2) Special shoutout to a one Andy Theiss, who answered my query: "hay is in the barn" means that "the work is done" (the hay has been reaped, etc) YOU CAN NEVER KNOW ENOUGH TRIVIAL INFORMATION...

3) I have but ONE comment about the RNC. Is anyone else aware of the fact that the wife of the vice presidential nominee has a business selling TOWEL CHARMS? I really don't want to dignify any political presence by speaking any more about it, but there are these little charms that you attach to your beach towels, because apparently mixing up beach towels is a THING, and she sells them.


Highlands Ranch, CO: Chase

Chase is really concerned that JoJo has never heard the word “divorce” before. Chase and I do not share this concern. He and JoJo laid a crappy TJ Maxx Homegoods blanket on a rock over a semi-mediocre view and he tried to teach her the word “dee-vorce.”

We also find out that Chase owns an actual house. (He is apparently still renovating the staircase.) Even though his face does NOT move, Chase is a HOMEOWNER, ladies and gentlemen, be still my heart.

CHASE: My time with JoJo has been… out of this world.


(Carolyn said nothing here. She just gave me a look. It said it all.)

CHASE: (to his dad) Why didn’t your relationship work with my mom?


Sheesh. The producers are barring no holds on the emotional trauma that they're stirring up this season.

The way that Chase and his dad say each other’s name frequently in conversation is weird to me. The only time I throw in the use of my parents’ names is when my Dad says things like “Oh I love Hillsong music. If you go to The Youtube and Google it, it will come right up.”

“Daaaaad, you can’t say things like that…” Otherwise it’s just kind of weird. Anyone else pick up on that?

No idea why Chase’s mom is wearing a sweat suit to a family dinner, but I’ll let it happen. She tries to assure JoJo that despite divorce, Chase is an example of survival of the fittest and he has evolved JUST fine. Then Chase and his sister sit down for the MOST dull and basic conversation about the word “love” that I’ve ever heard. Is this date over yet? Oh wait. He hasn’t spoken to his mom yet and we haven’t seen that tear on his face that we saw in the promos... Ok ok, hold on... I don’t hate his relationship with his mom. They’re obviously extremely close and it isn’t weird like it usually is when these people are super close to their parents....

Conclusion: this has been, by far and away, the most emotional day of Chase’s entire life.

Jordan’s hometown: Don’t even know where it is, don’t even care.

This high school trek is way too much for me and I can’t even stand it. He shoves her into a bookshelf and they make out. One of the PA’s was responsible for putting up pictures of high school Jordan on a wall collage.

Ten points for the Production Assistants...
I'm so over the high school date. It didn't work for Farmer Chris and Jade, didn't work for Caila and Ben, SO OVER IT.

I like Mama Rodgers. JoJo is trying desperately to get to the bottom of the Aaron Saga, mostly because we all know: she wants to be BFF with Olivia Munn. (Don’t we all?)


I really want Jordan’s mom to lead my Bible study or something. She seems so great.

CAROLYN: I love his mom… Oh gosh… I love him… I love him!


CAROLYN: Hold me back!

JORDAN: If I’m gonna get on one knee, I want to work for the rest of my life at our relationship.

GRACE: Carolyn, put on your ear muffs.

CAROLYN: But I love him! How could you not?

St. Augustine: Robby

You guys know how I feel about it. Robby is a woman. Did you see him clasp his hands under his chin when he saw JoJo? Or talk about how the horse was “so pretty?”

Shoutout to Kimberly and Justin for sharing these sentiments... 

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and let you guys know something: I haven’t loved JoJo’s Dallas Fabulous attire this season. It’s been way too much for me. I’M SORRY, I SAID IT. But I’m loving this romper that she’s wearing on the Robby date. Might be the only ok thing about this whole day, cause that salmon colored shirt is NOT doing it for me...

JoJo is concerned about the timeline of Robby’s breakup. I’m concerned about a lot of other things, but I don’t even really know where to begin, so sure JoJo, let's put our energy into pursuing information about his ex-girlfriend.

I’m confused about why RoJo is bringing 95 presents into the Hayes house, for their visit. I think it’s sketchy that his dad says to call him “Coach,” but other than that, I don’t hate his family.

Bored by this conversation with his brothers. They all love the open button down shirt. Really loving Robby’s mom right now. Especially how she is up on the gossip with Robby’s ex. She probably got caught up on it at the last ItWorks party that she hosted. Robby pulls JoJo aside and says, “My ex-girlfriends roommate says I'm not here for the right reasons.” 

Can't make this stuff up... 

That verbal gem was followed by: "we got in a blow up fight and she slapped me.” That might be the biggest lie Robby has ever told in his life. Definitely on this show.
Final thoughts: I bet Robby smells really good. I bet he wears Dolce and Gabbana and she just falls at his feet any time she smells his musk.

…oh, nobody else experiences that? 


Texas: Meth Luke

Half the state of Texas came out for this hometown date and I don't even know what to say about it.

Alright. I’m on the Meth Luke train. He’s officially my top choice. I wanted to like his Mom more. She said five words and I didn’t care what they were. She would show up to Robby's Mom's ItWorks party, drink wine, eat cheese, say nothing and buy nothing. But now that I type that, I think it makes me respect her more. So I'll now point out that so far, the fictional life I have mapped out for Luke's mom is a pretty respectable one. I like his Dad, though. Simple man, but a good man.

Thank Goodness JoJo mounting the horse with Luke was more graceful than the one in Argentina. 
This gif will never be old. 

I don’t really care much about Luke talking about day dreams right now, but I’m INTO this magic hour lighting, BIG TIME. Don’t care about the candles and heart shaped roses, but I am LOVING Dan + Shay playing in the background right now.

This airport hanger is GREAT. JoJo obviously can't breathe in this Dallas Fabulous blue aluminium foil dress. Then she tells us she’s going to send Luke home. WHAT. WHATTTTT.This is a genuinely candid picture that was snapped, during that moment: 

Devin was trying to fix the cable modem and I apparently held this posture long enough for him to snap a photo. And as if that weren't enough, THEN LUKE STARTED TO TELL HER THAT HE LOVES HER. It was at this point that I think I started grabbing Devin's shirt sleeve and more or less shoving him against the arm of the couch (does anyone else do that? All I can do during particularly dramatic or hilarious moments on television is grab the person next to me and start shoving them. I'm basically no worse than Chad.) 

Speaking of Chad: He has been working out at Muscle Beach. I eat lunch by Muscle Beach every day and you better BELIEVE that I've had my eyes peeled for him. I don't believe in self-taken photos, and I REALLY don't believe in taking them with people of notoriety, but you best BELIEVE I'd take one with the Chadster. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

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