Wednesday, August 3, 2016

You're Not Looking for a New Years' Eve Date...

Let me take a second to remark about how much I love the texts that I get from the East Coast while the show is airing. They're never spoilers, they're just things like, "Are you in the live studio audience tonight? We're looking for you." Or "Where is Mama Fletcher from? There is very little original Mrs. Fletcher remains. But I'm still interested...."

Update: Mama Fletch a) is from Iran and b) has her PhD. You KNOW higher education is one of my love languages!

CAROLYN: Quick reminder that it was about this time last season, JoJo was on a bathroom floor, questioning her life...

BRYAN: Is that her dad?
BRYAN: That beautiful bean came out of... that guy?

Jordan's hair right now and Khloe's boxer braids are pretty much the same thing. This Thailand air isn't helping out Jordan's tuft, and I can't get over it.

JOJO: We make fun of each other.
JORDAN: I'm really crazy and I love embarrassing people. I got these hats. They're super embarrassing. Put them on and be embarrassed.
Jordan knows the OWNERRR

JoJo's mom actually made a GREAT point about Jordan being too similar to JoJo in a life-of-the-party kind of way. I also love her point about the "curtain" in front of JoJo, that prevents her from listening to reason. I'm serious. This mom is great. English is not her first language and she's got a whole lotta botox up in there, but she's mightily insightful.

Can we talk about when Jordan was leaving and JoJo said "It went so good!" And giving him a THUMBS UP?!
1) Don't get me started on her improper use of an adjective, to describe how the day went - DON'T.
2) THAT'S what she had to say to him? That's it? I can think of sixty nine MILLION other things to say to someone as they're leaving a first time meeting with my family.

Robby has been waiting to ask JoJo's dad for her hand in marriage since he told her he loved her. Which, just a quick recap: WAS FIVE SECONDS INTO KNOWING HER. So he was ready to propose to her on their first date.

Very fortunately, our televisions were graced ONCE AGAIN by the Dallas real estate tycoon ADONIS that is JoJo's brother, Ben. Reflecting on Jordan, he told her: "You're not looking for someone to be your New Year's Eve date...


Look, Robby is a woman, and we all know it, but I don't hate his speech to JoJo's dad, right now. He knocked that one out of the PARK. And this is the first time in a long time that a family has been very vocal about which guy they prefer. Interesting.

This conversation between JoJo and her parents right now is so stressful to me. And I think it's because this is how pretty much any family dinner goes at the Douglas house. I just say a bunch of impulsive things and everyone quietly points out that I'm being trigger happy and unreasonable and I just yelp at them in high pitched tones and then clutch the family dog like she's my only friend.

Kind of like this.... 

I will give this one to Robby: Even his post-ocean hair is, as the kids would say: "on fleek."

I will also give Robby the speech that he gave JoJo about the future that he has planned for them. Well, until we found out that there were kids involved. The meatloaf isn't going to be burning because they're lost in bliss, it's going to be burning because you don't even know what day of the week it is when there are toddlers in the house. But really the only thing I think about this spiel is: he's an actor. Only actors can come up with detailed jargon like that. JoJo then gets teary because she trusts Robby so much....
Oy vey. 
Then Robby's whole presentation of the photos is... painful. We all know where this is going. This is pretty much Robby on the bathroom floor right now. That is the level of agony that this is giving me.

Jordan and JoJo's tense discussion on the beach shore is... a tense discussion. Neither party is articulating their thoughts clearly, which is VERY emotionally stressful to me. Look, we all know Jordan is a bigger tool than Chris Harrison. But I will give him this ONE morsel of credit: there is a level of entitlement that the lead always seems to have on this show, and I think that was part of his excuse for not asking for Papa Fletcher's blessing. (Besides the fact that it was LITERALLY the only cog the producer's could throw into the wheel) Every season, it's like the lead has this sense that they are ENTITLED to a love profession, no matter what. And you know what? Im'ma have to slightly side with Jordan on this one. Sure, I think he should have asked for her Dad's blessing, or maybe had a better answer for JoJo. (she told us that it would apparently be acceptable for him to say he "forgot," but that's neither here nor there) But she kept telling him that he should be ready to get down on one knee "no matter what" and honestly? I don't think it's entirely unfair for a human being to want a little assurance, before asking someone for eternity. (Granted, we all know they will last for SIXTEEN seconds, but STILL.) Ok. I think that rant is over (for now)

Jordan has said so many nonsensical things in the past twenty minutes that I don't even know what to say. Speaking of nonsense: can someone do me a huge favor and find Josh Murray's proposal to Andi? Cause it was the most scripted thing I've ever seen. I tried to find it to send to Johnny the other day but it's not anywhere online. Ben's proposal to Lauren was pretty canned, but Josh's proposal to Andi was 100% read on cue cards behind her shoulder and it was AMAZING.


Jordan's mirror face was too much.... His discussion of love for her while he was lint rolling his jacket.... I'm done.

Ok I typed that thing about the mirror face, and now we're watching Robby drive away in the rejection SUV... I have typed ZERO comments in the meantime because that whole thing was so agonizing.

You know what else is agonizing? Jordan and JoJo's engagement. Seriously the only silver lining is the entertainment that we'll get, seeing what kind of vendors they peddle on Instagram. But also I can't really be bothered because Bachelor in Paradise starts tomorrow and you KNOW how I feel about that show.

Obviously the most notable thing about the AFTR is.... Robby's teeth. And the fact that my Bachelor blogging idol, Lincee Ray remarked that Robby was styled by MacKenzie Childs... Which is DEEPLY accurate.

Countdown til the break up and til America's new favorite war vet becomes the next Bachelor!

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

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