Tuesday, January 3, 2017

From Bad Boy to Bachelor

Obviously let's start with some crucial updates:

I didn't get engaged over the holidays. 

Just in case anyone was wondering.

What I DID do was pretty much hibernate at my parents' house for two weeks and loved every second of it. They kept saying things like, "Do you think you'll take a shower tonight?" or "Do you want me to wash those jeans for you? You've slept in them for three nights now" or "Are you sure you meant to eat that many cookies?"

And I was like:
But actually. 

So here’s the thing about the premiere: we see some of the crazy (ie: the shark costume, Corinne and her full time nanny) but we don’t get the real crazy yet, so the premiere is kind of a snooze. In the second and third episodes, you start to hear the girls say the most out-of-left-field stuff about each other, probably because the first few dates are when they’re the most insecure. (Especially since there are like, fifty of them crammed on those massive group dates. Those things really bring the crazy out. See: Onion Ashley and Mesa Verde, or Lace pulling Ben aside to say "I'm not crazy" sixty five THOUSAND times on date 2) So episodes two and three, and the episode before the hometown dates are probably my faves, cause there’s usually a big blow-up in the episode before hometowns. (See: Tiera's uncontrollable eyebrows, Clair and Nikki's fight over a hotel room, etc)

In the meantime, here are some thoughts:

- According to Hare, this is going to be an “Unprecedented Season.” Look, I’m not mad - I love to promote literacy and vocabulary, but seriously what does that even mean in the context of this season?

CAROLYN: I feel like Nick's bod was better on Paradise. (Looking at the menu) Johnny, they don’t have pot stickers at this place, does Grace like dumplings?
JOHNNY: Tweet about his bod. Get the fried dumplings. She likes those. Maybe we don’t have to talk about her like she’s a child and not sitting right there – Grace, we’re getting you fried dumplings.
GRACE: No no, you know I need you to treat me like a seven year old when it comes to ordering exotic food. Keep it up.

Maybe Wok on Fire isn't exactly exotic, but who's to say? 

This montage of Nick doing all this "imperfect" stuff is:

I guess they didn’t want the budgeted archival producer to go to waste, so they had her pull Every. Single. Time, Nick has ever rolled his eyes. And she had three seasons from which to choose... 

- Honestly I'm excited that Nick’s family gets a second, wait, FOURTH chance to watch him find love, because we all watched them sit through the finale of Kaitlyn's season and it was PAIN. FULL.

- Nick’s sister Bella is “wise beyond her years...” She tells him to pick up his date in a sweet ride. I think we're done here. 

- Ugh Sean Lowe. What a delight. Never forget Sean's Giant Snow Bus.
Other important announcement about Sean: his Dad Lyfe tweets are EVERYTHING. 

JOHNNY: I feel like this Previous Bachelor Advice thing is really going to go down the drain once Sean isn’t there. Cause these other guys are garbage.
BRYAN: Who did the Farmer end up with?
GRACE: A girl named Whitney. She’s engaged to another man now.
BRYAN: Then why does he get to be here?
GRACE: Exactly. 

- Remember in Runaway Bride when that kid Dennis is doing laps and he says "Maggie, don't marry Coach, marry me!" and Julia Roberts says "You're jail bait, Dennis." THAT'S how I feel about Ben Higgens. Don't marry Lauren B. Marry me! I'll be jail bait. It's fine.

- By this time, we had divided up the girls onto our fantasy teams. Johnny claimed that he was going to win. Raven was the only one I truly cared about because she looked so much like Courtney Roberts, so I was stoked to have her on my team. But with three words out of her mouth, I was convinced that there’s no way she could be the villain.

- First intro was Rachel: I want Rachel to be my best friend. Her acting skills are pretty poor, definitely giving us shades of Andi while she tries to show off her job, (and I’m not saying she doesn’t have a real job, she just very clearly has a job where they can get ZERO appearance releases signed, so they had a producer sit in front of her like a client while Rachel asked her “and what time of day was this?”) but Rachel is waaaaay to qualified and too much of a human to be on this show.

But pls don't run away 'til you get me some points... 

- Nail Salon Danielle: this is how I feel about Danielle:
Image result for grinch hate hate hate
Vanessa: I’m undecided about Vanessa. Either she’s going home tonight, or she’s the Kelsey Poe of this season. (Remember the crazy one from Farmer Chris’s season, whose husband died and who regaled us with “isn’t my story AMAZING?”)
Josephine: Welp, she looks way better than her bio picture. And she shares a name with an American Girl Doll. She was picked last for Carolyn’s team. Sorry, Josie.
Raven: Ok, does Raven work at this store and they just tried to make it look like she manages it? Or does she even work there? I’m so disappointed in her. I had such high hopes that she’d be the villain.
Corinne: Corinne is Elle Woods sending an admission video to Harvard. Corinne does NOT type actual words on that keyboard. And Corinne definitely does NOT manage a multi-million dollar company: her dad does. And you KNOW they had a production assistant chop up that cucumber. They probably picked up that nanny on the way to set, that morning.
Alexis: Alexis wears sumo wrestling costumes to CVS. So does every person in Venice Beach. Johnny loves Alexis because she's super Jersey. 
Nashville Danielle: Hey y'all! She takes care of infants that need a little extra help. And the infant we're seeing right now needs a LOT of extra help. Danielle has clearly never meandered around on the Nashville pedestrian bridge in front of a camera crew before, and she looks super awkward. Stick with babies, Danielle. 
Taylor: TAYLOR IS ON MY FANTASY TEAM AND SHE'S ALREADY EARNING ME SO MANY POINTS. But she’s got a master’s which never gets you too far on this show. Here’s to point earning in the meantime.
Elizabeth: Alright, I’ll admit it: I knew this girl hooked up with Nick, which is why I put her on my team. I feel great about it. I doubt she’ll last long, but she should earn me some solid points in the meantime. Also I’m pretty sure she got botox on the morning of the premiere, because she had a solid bruise above her eyebrow for the whole night. Live your best life, Liz. Just don’t do it on the morning of the premiere.

Johnny is feeling pretty down because none of the intro girls are on his team. I'm feeling strangely hopeful.

I don’t know what made me think of this, but remember Crazy Olivia from Ben’s season? Listen, maybe she'll have a career you guys. Just look at the Weatherman from Ali's season. Does anyone remember him? Because there is a HUGE poster of him right by LAX now, he is a legitimate weatherman. 


Limo Exits:

Danielle L: Did I mention that I’m am bored to tears by this chick?

Elizabeth: Don't care


Christen: Christen is already a few drinks in. I'm here for it.

Taylor: I think Taylor might go far... Ohhhh until she poorly delivered that line about "all my friends HATED you!" Ugh. I take it all back.

Kristina: Boring.

Angela: I think Angela is one of the prettiest girls on the season. No one agrees with me.

Lauren: Viall hussy. I cannot. I DO NOT.

Michelle: Cute dress

Dominique: I'm bored.

Ida Marie: Trust fall. Don't care.

Olivia: Eskimo kisses, DON'T

Sarah: Runner up. Don't care

Jasmine G: Jasmine brought... Neil Lane. Clearly this girl is SO dull that the producers let her bring Neil Lane for her intro.

Hailey: Underwear joke. Don't care.

Astrid: Speaking in German. Don't care.

Liz: seriously ANY time but this morning would've been great for botox. 
JOHNNY: I like this Requiem for a Dream music while he figures out whether or not he knows her...

Corinne: Corinne is really pretty. And she has a full time nanny. And she's on Carolyn's team which, by the looks of it, might just win Carolyn this whole darn season.

Vanessa: Great dress

Danielle M: Ohhhhhh her hands were shaking. CLEARLY the producers were like, "He likes girls that are sexy! Put your fingers in his mouth!"

Raven: Pig call. Ugh. I'm still so bummed that she doesn't look like more of a villain.

Jaimi: She has balls. I can't


Susannah: Beard massage. Oh no.

Josephine: Someone talked her into straightening her hair. Carolyn is super excited about the "wiener in my book" cause she thinks it will get her lots of points. I'm really stressed out that it's 2017 and she looks like she used a hair straightener from 1996.

Britany: Is she a... proctologist?
But really. Please do. 

Jasmine: Another red dress. This Jasmine is also on my team. I'm all in on the Jasmines and Carolyn is all in on the Danielles.

Whitney: another red dress

Lacey: Cause Nick loves a good hump.

Alexis: Shark costume. So drunk. Here's the only time we're going to spend on the costume: it's the left shark costume from Katy Perry's halftime show. It is OBVIOUSLY a shark costume. Boom, done.


Ohhhh I feel a rant about Liz coming on... (Honestly, it's either Liz or the Dakota Access Pipeline, these days) Is it just me, or is Liz kind of the problem with the modern woman? THERE I SAID IT. You think it's mysterious that he doesn't remember you after you slept with him the first night you met him? I am slain. This is too much. You can yap all you want about the liberated modern woman, but I WILL not buy it. I don't know a) why she wouldn't give him her number or b) why she bothered to wait till now (I mean, I know, and you know, but I can't actually answer for her) but there are so many problems up in here. Have some more self-respect, girl. I seriously would have liked her more if she said "Yeah I came here cause you're the Bachelor and I had a chance to get some more Instagram followers and peddle Flat Tummy Tea!" But at the rate she's going and the song she's singing, I am NOT into it.

The entire Living Room Peanut Gallery is rooting for Rachel. I still can't decide what I think about Vanessa, but I sure like her dress. Aaaaaand Corinne laid one on him. You go, Glen Coco. But spoiler alert: the girl who lays one on him on the first night is NEVER the final girl.

Roses went to:
Danielle M
Elizabeth W
Jasmine G
Danielle L.

It's gonna be an unPRESIDENTed season. (Not my words).

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

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