Monday, January 16, 2017

Trying So Hard to Be Myself That I'm Not Myself...

FIRST THINGS FIRST: WHY DIDN'T WE GET AN EXIT INTERVIEW FROM LIZ. Lack of question mark intentional. Seriously I needed some tears from her or something to get me some more points for my fantasy team. Can't wait for her on Bachelor in Paradise. 

We start the episode off with the Kentucky Russian explaining the previous night’s events. Allegedly Christen got the rose. Nick is patting himself on the back for being “transparent” with the ladies. Ugh. At least Christen’s hair is in a little more control tonight, so I’ll give her that.

Ohhh and Lacey tells Nick this situation is “eerily similar” to Kaitlyn and Andi. So she’s calling him a slut.

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I'll allow it. 
I’m really not into how Nail Salon Danielle and Nick are waving their interlaced hands around whilst talking about his relations with other women, but that’s just me.

Gonna go ahead and throw this question out there - why is it that Nick is at the center of three of the more noteworthy Bachelor sex scandals? What does that mean? (Seriously, I'm asking.) Is it because he has nothing better to offer? Is it because it's the ONLY thing he has to offer? 

OH I’VE BEEN WONDERING WHERE THAT LITTLE GEM CORINNE HAS BEEN HIDING TONIGHT… And we see that she’s commandeered the ONE Bachelor mansion bathroom to don a trench coat that is, as remote Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Buck Curly informs us, way more “flasher pervert” than “sexy.” Then she mentions something called “sex charm.” Something tells me it has nothing to do with a bracelet.

Raven tells Nick she’s ok with everything about Liz. I will NEVER stop wishing she was way more venomous. I needed more points for my fantasy team! Marshmallow girl (Hailey?) just told Nick he was a Hot Topic. I do believe she meant “hot commodity” but if she wants to compare him to a gothic tchotchke store, be my guest.

Corinne in the trench coat… I really could NOT care any less. And then we have“I don’t think giving into this moment is going to do any good for anyone” which JUST might be the wisest thing Nick has ever said, even though he's still handling this like a 13 year old boy. Also worth mentioning: Corinne is drunk as a skunk right now. Mightily intoxicated. That is neither here nor there so much as it’s just an observation on her sobriety. And now girls are crying about it. HELLO GIRLS, YOU DON’T CRY ABOUT THE WHIP CREAM, YOU RALLY AND YOU HAVE A MARCH ON SATURDAY IN DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES- wait sorry. Wrong audience. But come ON: this is why the show is such a train wrecked masterpiece. Instead of women saying “Psh, her lack of creativity with that whipped cream is laughable,” these girls are crying. Then Corinne took a Xanax and went to sleep. Tell me something I didn't see coming.

Also let's establish that Sarah and Danielle L. are the SAME. Like, is there an actual difference cause I don't see it. Except that Danielle L, apparently works in six nail salons and is probably one of those chicks who says "Girls don't like me, I was always friends with the boys..." You know the type.

Roses went to: Astrid, Taylor, Britney, Christina, Danielle, Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimie, Dominique, Sarah, Alexis, Britney, Josephine, Jasmine. 

Hailey (was she Marshmallow girl? The one with the bobby pin tattoo?) Lacey, and some other girl who looks exactly like all the other ones went home. Bye, girls!

I'm still mad we didn't get an exit interview from Liz. 

Group Date: Backstreet's Back
Danielle L, Christen, Christina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, Corinne

THE BACKSTREET BOYS IN THE MANSION IS SO MUCH FOR ME EMOTIONALLY RIGHT NOW. Wait... but Brian Littrell's balding mullet hair is also a lot for me. 

Ok I did laugh at Corinne saying she does the Mom Dance. And now Christen has mom HAIR. Ugh, Christen, you were doing so well! 

Did you guys get all of the info in Nick Carter's plug for their Planet Hollywood Residency in March and June in Las Vegas? Did you?  

I don't hate Corinne trying to dance because... that is me trying to dance. But I'm also really stressed out by the sun spots on her chest, so she's at a zero net gain to me, right now. And when I say "right now," I mean literally in this moment where she's dancing with sun spots on her chest. Only these three seconds. Otherwise her net is WAAAAAY in the red. Oh and now they've sent some poor Betty into the bathroom to console her. Whitney? Is that who they sent in? Corinne is crying and saying "I'm not a crybaby, it's not like if the attention isn't on me I'll start crying,,,," but she is and she does, sooooo.... 

Ok I'm going to throw a wet blanket on this date. Anyone else think about how it's kind of sad to see the Backstreet Boys like, almost fifteen years later? Am I so obsessed with aging that I'm really sad thinking about having to face an aging Brian Littrell? And weren't they kind of reaching for some of those notes? But SINCE I'm so obsessed with aging, I'm JUST gonna take a quick moment to throw in some shout outs to other idols who have not aged: Julie Bowen (Am I the only one that watched Ed? She looks the same.) Thandie Newton (HELLO Mission Impossible II and Westworld could have been shot days apart) Also Sam Seaborn aka Rob Lowe, who still looks REAL good. Please feel free to submit other entries. Leslie Mann and Paul Rudd are also among honorable mentions. 

I guess what I'm saying is I don't like to see people age because this is me every morning: 
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Corinne calls choreography "planned dancing" and I'm here for it. And then she tells us "I made Corinne great again" 

Look, I can't really say anything about her power naps. They're totally staged, but even if they weren't, I'd be ok with them. Naps are a lifeblood that fuel the dreams of champions. 

I don't care about Danielle and Nick dancing in their one on one time right now. But at least it's better than the a capella "I Want It That Way" from earlier. Oof. 

Corinne telling the girls about her nanny is remarkable television, Props to the producer that prepped her to tell them about it. I'm already stoked to see Corinne at the Women Tell All. Can you imagine? 

Rose went to Danielle. I'm still so disgusted by her intro where she went to the nail salons that she "manages" that I still don't care for her. And let's just be clear that when Nick tells her "I'm intrigued by you" he means a lot of other things that aren't covered by the word "intrigued." 

One on One Date: 
Snakes on a plane... Or something. Vanessa

I'm not a kiss counter, but was their greeting kiss just now their first kiss? Look, I won't tell you that I hate how she said, "I'm calm and confident and comfortable when I'm around Nick," I like that a lot. 

Wait I really love these two. 

Ok but also she 110% did NOT throw up. That bag didn't even inflate. Let's just clear that up right now. 

I'm also impressed with my LA trivial knowledge - I knew based on the entrance to the building that they were going into the US Bank Building. I'm still up to go on the sky slide in that building, if anyone wants to take me on a date. Group Date or One On One, I don't really have a preference. 

I love that Vanessa straight up asked him why he would go through this again. Maybe because there's some level of naivety as she asks it, which is kind of endearing. I am SUCH a fan of Vanessa. NICK IS CRYING RIGHT NOW WHAT IS HAPPENING,Wait, he is very legitimately weeping. What? There is nothing on television like this show. Why is he crying? How is he crying? I love it. 

Group Date: Nickathalon
Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimie, Sarah, Britney, Dominique

Nick was doing laps as the girls entered, he hugged them, and is clearly still out of breath as he explains what they'll be doing. 

Astrid wishes she'd worn more support. I have 0% of an idea what that must be like. 

These athletes are so scripted and it is amazing. 

Next round top three: Rachel, Alexis and Astrid

Astrid grabbed a chunk of the ring and dove into the hot tub with Nick. You go, Glen Coco. Live your best life. 

Meanwhile Dominique:
This is an emergency
Dominique is a runaway train.and there is NO stopping her. Rachel says she's getting too in her head, but I'll tell you right now: Dominique isn't in Dominique's head, the producers are in Dominique's head. Mercy. 
They went to a place called Big Daddy's. But there was no sign of the man himself:

Don't forget the dark socks.

Shark girl laid out the big poster of Nick, for the two of them to lay on. If I were Corinne, I'd definitely be asleep right now.

Dominique is in attack mode. She is so aggressive. She is so painfully aggressive right now, Dominique, stop!! 

This was such an epic crash and burn. I am so overwhelmed. This happened so fast. Nick just called it a break up. Amazing. 

Also, can we just talk about the Fifty Shades Darker trailer? (YES Johnny and I WILL be going to see it on Valentine's Day weekend, I'll let you know how it is) That scene where Ana grabs the check and acts like she just used ninja speed and reflexes? Those movies are as big a wreck as The Bachelor, but without the self-aware producing....  

I don't even know what to say about Corinne's princess bounce house. Is it just me or is she drunk as a skunk again when she's mumbling "Today has been amazing. You are my prince." Mercy. 

Nick is so uncomfortable in this conversation with Vanessa and she's handling it like a BOSS. Ugh, We have to wait for next week for the conclusion to that dramatic conversation, 

Anyone who says this ISN'T the greatest thing on TV can fight me.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

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