Make Corinne America, Again

First things first: new conspiracy theory, among the Remote Living Room Peanut Gallery: Corinne is actually Tiffany Trump.

Then, because... America, more news broke:

(The boys were watching on the East Coast, I was still at work) Let's declare yesterday #SallyMonday thx. 

Loving that we open this episode with Rachel giving a pep talk about keeping your eye on the prize. Then we pick up with the fireside chat, where Corinne has never heard either the word "eye," "prize," or "emotional intelligency" but who's counting (we gave up counting long ago) Corinne is just spouting straight nonsense to Taylor right now. She has now declared that no one in the house likes her and maybe she's not here for the right reasons. Both girls are pretty intoxicated, which means basic girl blabber is running rampant. 

This episode being hosted by Josh Gad and Luke Evans … I have so many conflicting emotions. My love for Beauty and the Beast is unparalleled. When I was a kid, I had Belle EVERTYHING. So obsessed. And I love Josh Gad. And Luke Evans is EASY on the eyes (is he related to the Hemsworth Family? Come on, is he?) … but the corny puns are just SO MUCH in my life right now. I just don't even know. 

It is very clearly freezing in this barn where they’re having the rose ceremony. Or they’re all vaping. On a personal note, I tend to identify with Danielle M and actually look WAY better when I’m cold (probably because it gives my face actual color since I’m usually ghostly from wearing a visor all the time and wear 0% makeup) 

Roses went to: Whitney (really?) Danielle M, Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimie, Krystina, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne, and Taylor.

Taylor accepted that last rose VERY forlornly. 

Oh I’m sad that Sarah Hyland went home. She seemed so reasonable. Bye, Astrid.

I love how many times Nick must’ve practiced saying “N’Orleans” for the ladies. And it still wasn’t that seamless.

Quick travel observation: They are flying Southwest. I’m obviously here for it.

One On One: 

Rachel

I love how the girls are taunting her with “You liiiike him,” and it’s giving me shades of Miss Congeniality’s “You want to hug hiiiim, you want to loooove him” and I’m INTO IT. (And yes, everyone called me "Gracie Lou Freebush" after that movie came out, and they thought it was HILARIOUS) 

Rachel opted for a shirt with... no back. Did she think they were going to a dance class? She's wearing a leotard. I'm confused. 

Nick is NOT goofy in this flea market right now. Why is he holding a wad of cash in his hands? Take that alligator off your head. I'm bored. 

There is no way to gracefully eat a beignet, but watching Nick eat one is waaaay better than watching him try on hipster fake glasses. Rachel is so cool. I want her to be my best friend. Teach me how to be so cool, Rachel. But wear a shirt with a back, pls. 

They are sooooore spontaneous and “wander” into a bar where there’s live music! Apparently Rhonda Rousey is launching her singing career. Didn’t see her going in that direction, but I’m here for it.

They’re sitting down for dinner (she's finally wearing something with a back) and I’m REALLY hoping Rachel doesn’t tell Nick she’s falling in love with him. I don't think I'll be able to handle that, and it will definitely ruin how cool she is in my mind.

I’m concerned that Nick asked if he had to call her dad “sir.” Is that even a question? Are you kidding me? What does that even mean? Why would he ask that? If anything, he should be asking her how to address her parents on the thank you note. (and for the record, it's: "The Honorable Rachel's Dad and Mrs. Rachel's Dad." but don't call me Emily Post...) 

I DO like Rachel's sentiment,“It’s been such a long time since I’ve been vulnerable over somebody." I like that a lot. But I'm still so disturbed that it was even a QUESTION in Nick's mind about whether or not to address her dad as "sir." Mercy. 

Group Date: 

Josephine, Christina Alexis, Raven, Jaimie, Vanessa, Danielle M, Whitney, Jasmine, Danielle L.

I love how excited Alexis is about the ghosts. Meanwhile Raven is not having ANY of it.

It also seems that no one bothered to tell Raven that her shirt isn’t buttoned…

Boo, the tour guide, is just a TAD disappointing to me, I won’t lie to you. I’m kind of an expert in southern tour guides. One of my personal favorites was Fern, who took us on a tour of “Historic Charleston: Featuring the Georgian Period.” Not kidding. One day on vacation Big Daddy woke me up and was like, “We’re going on a tour.” This was a very regular occurrence on vacations, and kind of still is. We were the only ones on the tour. I’m not even kidding. We kept passing people on tours with like, fifty people, but this one was JUST us.I recall that I got in a bit of a tussle with her because she mischaracterized the Baroque period and I wasn't going to stand idly by... 

Not a drill. 

Here's another one, when we toured ruins of Dungeness on Cumberland Island, where BD and I heckled the tour guide about what could've possibly happened to Uncle Andrew Carnegie. 

But srsly: not a drill. 

Meanwhile, back on the farm, prepping for the two on one: Taylor and her essential oils. Oh mercy. Look, I have a thousand of them. I am ON the essential oils train, I just don’t peddle them to people and I definitely don’t sit in a circle of candles to inhale them. CAN I GET AN AMEN, BOWEN ALICE?! 

Honestly Nick’s hands on these women are like a kid’s hands digging in sand. You know when you’re trying to talk to a kid about something (shoutout to my babysitters) and they’re totally not listening to you and just running their fingers in the sand (or the carpet or the grass or WHATEVER) THAT is of what his hands remind me. Speaking of children, I love that Raven is ordering Jasmine around and making her apologize to May for offending her.  

Other parenting move: Rachel was ordered to counsel Corinne and Taylor.

SO MUCH NUZZLING WITH DANIELLE M. FINGERS ALL OVER. 

Raven told Nick she’s in love with him… By accident? I don’t even know anymore. Danielle M got the rose. I’m bored. I wish they'd shown Nick in the Nicholas Cage mask, here. Really excited about the two-on-one. 

TWO ON ONE: 

Taylor and Corinne 

WHY DIDN’T THE CARD SAY:TWO WOMEN ONE ROSE ONE STAYS ONE GOES?!?!?!

This is how I feel about that: 

I love how backwoods these two-on-one dates are… A glacier, a desert, the forests of Pennsylvania, anyone remember the HotTug? I’m here for it all.

I don’t know who these voodoo people are or how production found them, but this is amazing. Clearly they literally dragged these people off the street and told them to don white, chant, and burn some sage. The first priestess woman they spoke to was clearly the owner of the air bnb where the crew was staying. I wonder what instructions the tarrot card reader was given. This is so great. Even the animal motifs are amazing.

CORINNE: Taylor basically called me stupid.

NICK: How did that make you feel?

GRACE:

THE DUET IN THE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST TRAILER I AM SLAIN. Seriously I’m just going to cry through that whole movie. I’m going to have to see it alone because I will be a WEEPING. MESS.

Gracious. Back to the two-on-one:

Thoughts: Corinne isn’t looking Taylor in the eye as she’s making these accusations. I wonder if Taylor asked Corinne about the voodoo doll. Was she like, “Hey what’s that doll with a pin in it?” No? 

Honestly maybe Taylor didn’t get the rose because she chose not to wear a bra today….

I love that she says “I don’t think he fully knows the girl he sent home tonight” as she enters the voodoo circle.

CAROLYN: Are they going to light her on fire?

Commercial break: Apparently Neil Lane is peddling rings at Kay Jewelers, now. Has he always been doing that?

I’m still so stressed out by the sunspots on Corinne’s chest.  

Ok but seriously WHAT is up with the format of these episodes? Is this a new thing now? It’s not like they were losing viewers and had to delay the rose ceremony to keep them hanging on. So strange. But I don’t mind being strung along til next week to see the Taylor confrontation.

Final word: This is obviously not a political commentary. But it seems mmmm.... callous, I guess, not to take a moment to observe that we are living in harrowing times. I am privileged to post this frivolous blog every week. May we continue to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly.

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…