Tuesday, January 10, 2017

She Didn't Come Here To Be a Bridesmaid...

Maybe Im'ma run this thing like a church service and do some announcements and housekeeping at the top: 

Anyone have any thoughts on the Globes this year? 

I've said it once and I'll say it again: I JUST want someone to say ONE word about me with the power and passion that Viola speaks about Meryl. I will never get over either of their speeches as long as I live. 

Also let's never forget my favorite moment from last year:
Love you, Leo

This episode is near and dear to me because we experience SO much. Think about it: there are still so many girls in the house that the producers have a WEALTH of crazy sound bites from which to choose, and the girls still really have no idea what kind of environment they're in, so they're super insecure and kind of addled, which makes them prone to say and do even weirder stuff. 

Image result for emma stone this is the best gif

Speaking of Emma Stone - anyone else wonder if she and Andrew Garfield ran into each other at the Globes? Ugh. I mourn the loss of their relationship possibly just as much as I mourn the loss of Tony and Blakley's failed engagement after Bachelor Pad 3. Mercy.

Oh and hey, some shameless promotion - if you like Hollywood murders or crazy conspiracy theories, you should watch Discovery ID's "Missing Evidence: Is OJ Innocent?" that starts this Sunday. Some people that are very dear to me worked on it. There's a dude who says that OJ's 24 year old son committed the murders and they made a show about it and Martin Sheen narrates. #Ad #Spon #JKItsTotallyNot #LikeIHaveSponsors #ButSrslyTheGloveDoesntFit

Ok. Moving on. I can't believe I had the audacity to mention "housekeeping" at the top of a post about The Bachelor, but I'm letting it happen...

Poll time: Is Corinne wearing hair extensions? I can usually spot them a mile away, but the jury is still out on her locks, right now. As a beneficiary of what Big Daddy calls "Homeschool Long Hair," I can attest to some long hair. It can be real. But Homeschool Long Hair Girls aren't usually on this show. (And to anyone who takes offense at that term: Big Daddy LOVES homeschoolers. Literally does not stop praising them, all the time. How well spoken they are. How they win all the spelling bees. How they look you in the eye and have great conversational skills - loves them)

The Living Room Peanut Gallery is feeling enthusiastic about Josephine, right now. 
CAROLYN: She's definitely cuter in person.
JOHNNY: Yeah her head shots did her no favors. I'd also like to point out that on ABC.com it says she's an "Unemployed Nurse," but her lower third here says "Registered Nurse." What a mystery. 

Wedding Date: (literally)
Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Haley, Lacey, Britney, Jasmine, Raven, Nail Salon Danielle, Taylor, and Elizabeth

JOHNNY: (as the girls drive up to a swanky estate) Where are they? We live so close to here, but my life looks so different from this.

LACEY: Nick could wear a potato sack and he'd look great.
JOHNNY: Send her home. SEND HER HOME

LRPG is loving the photographer, Phranco (there's no way he spells his name with an F) Johnny wants to know if he is wearing a romper. Jury's still out on that one. 

Alexis hasn't heard of a shotgun wedding. I would wager that there's a lot of things of which she has not heard. I'm still so annoyed that no one bothered to point out that she was wearing the Katy Perry Left Shark costume, last week. 

Shoutout to the lavender bridesmaid dress. All I wanted for the sixth grade cotillion ball was a lavender dress. I found one and fell in love with it. It was so expensive ($100) and my mom said we could only get it if I paid for half. So I quickly forked over $50 of my hard earned sixth grade money:
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I was radiant in those ringlets.

No idea why Davey posed with me like that. Big Daddy probably told him to. And yes, it WAS at this cotillion ball where Jake Peterson STOPPED dancing with me, mid-Box Step and told me he was going to find someone else to dance with EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T A DANCE WHERE YOU COULD CUT IN ON PEOPLE. 

But like, JK Jake Peterson, are you still single? Call me.

Corinne and Alexis are getting SOREEEEE drunk right now and Lacey is on the FAST TRACK to a breakdown. I'm TELLING YOU this is the greatest episode of the season. 

LRPG was convinced that Corinne is having a Kabbalah wedding, based on her red bracelet, but oh... it's a beach wedding. 

Do we even bother dignifying Corinne's jaunt in the pool with characters on this page? What can possibly be said? She knows she's great TV and she will be on Bachelor In Paradise this summer. And will probably accept a rose from Mad Chad. (the one who eats sweet potatoes raw)  

Update: Ok Corinne definitely has lash extensions, but jury is still out on her hair.

LRPG is really liking Raven, at this point. Mostly because she seems to be one of the only sober ones. Speaking of: someone PLEASE give Corinne some water and some crackers, ASAP. She's gonna turn into that girl that was crying in the bathroom stall in the second episode of Juan Pablo's season (I TOLD you the second episode is a good one). 

At this point I was conferring about Corinne's hair with Officer In Charge of All Things Beauty: my friend Kimberly. She's one of the most beautiful people I know, so she obviously had answers. She pointed out "it's hard to grow hair that long with hair that processed." 

Case closed. 

It is now 9 am the next morning and Corinne has been served champagne because... Bachelor. She tells Lacey, "He's just so great. When I talked to him, he was like, listening" 

And you know that Corinne is catnip to these producers because she will a) get as drunk as they tell her to so she will b) get talked into saying anything, which is how they got her to "confront" Taylor, or whatever you want to call it when a drunk girl tries to call out a sober girl. 

What a time to be alive. 

Let's Take Off (or something) 
One on One: Nashville Danielle

I am so bored by these two. Special shoutout to Ashley Bizzell, who pointed out that Nashville Danielle was in Cole Swindell's "Middle of a Memory" music video. Maybe she'll be in another one where they rap about the right reasons...

Nick is the least overwhelmed on this date as he's been all season, which is nice. I'm trying to decide if I've ever liked someone as The Bachelor as much as I liked them as a contestant. It's like they suffer from overexposure, once they're the Bachelor, and they become kind of grating and unbearable. I still maintain that Nick was the most interesting contestant on Andi and Kaitlyn's seasons, but I'm bored to TEARS by him, this (fourth) time around...

Meanwhile, back at the mansion:
Honestly in this conversation between the girls on the couch, I only have one question: I also why Christen's hair is SUCH a mess? It's not like it's super curly, why can't she seem to get it under control? What is the deal

Loving the deflated flamingo motif throughout Liz's whole confession, though. The Bachelor PA really came through for us, on that one. 

Nashville Danielle asks Nick what's in store for tonight. He says "more surprises."
....Because he VERY obviously has no idea what the producers have planned."

Ok ok ok... Nashville Danielle's story is a bit rough. That's sad. But... 

...how did she not know her affianced was an addict? (Was anyone else wondering this?)

Oh, HONESTLY. No ferris wheel will EVER be season 1 of The OC and it DEFINITELY won't be The Notebook, so let's move along...

Final verdict on Nashville Danielle: she doesn't wear a lot of makeup and I am SO into that. (Yes, Big Daddy says my lack of makeup completes my homeschool long hair, giggles furiously, then goes onto discuss all the marvelous qualities in homeschool children, of which I apparently have NONE)  

Group Date: We Need to Talk:
Christen, josephine, Astrid, Jaimie, Christina, Liz

Josephine is perhaps the Olivia of this season. Remember Olivia?

Never forget when she jumped out of that cake

Here's another great thing about this show: Josephine clearly stands out to Nick right now Remember how he said "Oh I'm expecting something from you," before the breakup performance? It's because she's obviously established herself as the loud mouth in the group. So she stands out. So Nick says things like the aforementioned to her. Which make her feel special. And the more special she feels earlier on, the more likely she is to go into a downward spiral as she learns that she is, just like the rest of the girls, not too special at all, and we are left with her standing on a beach, watching Ben and one of the twins sail away from the Two-on-One date... 

Image result for bachelor ben olivia
Everybody loves a good two-on-one

At this point, Johnny says, "Grace, at the commercial break, remind me to tell you of my business idea for you...." 

I feel like The Museum of Broken Relationships is going to get an INFLUX of relics, after this episode. 

The LRPG agreed: This is Los Angeles.... Those were the people they found to be the actors in this museum right now? What is happening ? PLEASE STOP THE ACTING. 

Nick: Well if we have to stage a breakup, I'm excited to see you guys fired up...
JOHNNY: Let's see who has some demons!!

Commercial break, Johnny says, "So you know how they do Sex and the City tour? YOU NEED TO DO A BACHELOR TOUR. There are so many obscure places in this city and you know them all and you know that people would be into it. Once a month, you could rent a van, get a megaphone...."

I'm definitely considering it. Mark Norman, would you take the tour? First stop: that hot tub gallery in Ventura where Ben and Caila went with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube. 

Liz is so overwhelming on this episode and I am HERE FOR IT. She hasn't said one SINGLE thing except that she met Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. She has said it so many times that I'm beginning to suspect that she might actually be a robot. I was so convinced that her breakup speech was an actual breakup and she was going to leave the show. Who told her to prepare a speech? Who told her to read from a notebook? Who said ANY of this was appropriate? I love it all. 

Also quick memo about Josephine's breakup spiel: she started with "there are bottles all over the place!" and she could have VERY quickly turned it around with "You love ketchup more than you love me! Look at all these ketchup bottles!" 

...but that's just me. 

Bryan came in and sat down: "Johnny, you smell like wine."
JOHNNY: I've had no wine. Just the rest of your Diet 7Up. 
BRYAN: You ruthless beast. I'm gonna start calling you RJ. Ruthless Johnny.
NICK: I'm still worried about Liz.

Nick and Liz's conversation was priceless. It basically went something like this:

NICK: I think you might be here for fame.
LIZ: We met at Jade and Tanner's wedding and we hooked up.
NICK: Yeah, I know, and I really think you just want to be on TV. Why didn't you try to get in touch with me?
LIZ: Well... why didn't you try to get in touch with ME?
NICK: You didn't want me to have your number cause you said you were a hott mess.
LIZ: No, I said I was wearing a "hott DRESS," but also hello: maybe I don't like talking on the phone. Especially to people I already know.

Some of that is hyperbolic, but not much.

Johnny pointed out that Liz's departure onto Hollywood Boulevard will be an exodus into a sea of homeless people, a drum circle, and a guy handing out his mixtape. Oh, and this is Johnny's impression of Liz and her collagen injections:

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Also not much hyperbole, here. 
Ugh, at this point, with Josephine, Jaimie and Corrine on her team, Carolyn is going to take a CLEAN SWEEP of this season. Johnny and I are both ready to throw in the towel. 

The only thing I have to say about the end of the episode is: I would have eaten ALL of the pieces of sushi that were on the table with that rose. 

Next week should be just as rich. Can't wait. 

Until then, if you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

1 comment:

  1. Oh I'd take the bachelor tour. I suggest there be several tiers. Lowest tier is drive by of the houses, a few noteworthy locales but as the price goes up so do the locations. Top tier is the rooftop/helicopter tour.