Wednesday, June 18, 2014


Welcome to Marseilleeeee, boyyyyyz!!!

While we DIDN'T get this Dez Hartsock Salutation from Andi, we DID get a lot of "Marseilles, France." I'm pretty sure that EVERY time the setting was referenced on this episode, we got a city AND a country. As though it might slip our minds that we're in France, as we watch the boys tromp around in mime gear.

This commentary is dedicated to Catherine Bocksel. She has actually never received a dedication before, because I was waiting strictly for the right moment.

That moment has arrived.

She is one of my longest-running and most committed "frans" (you know... a She's a fan of the show, and she's a very dear friend of mine.) She texted me the following. last night:
"Can I ask for a personal favor? I'd like to request a separate blog post on Bachelor in Paradise. Based on the 20 second promo they showed. Thanks so much." Said separate post may be found HERE.

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Y'all, Andi's never been to Marseilles, France. You know who else probably hasn't? Farmer Chris. (sidenote: I won't complain about Farmer Chris' travel attire. Sensible grey tee with jeans. Meanwhile Josh M, our resident caveman, decided to travel in sweats. #BallPlayer #UnlikeKasey)

Instead of getting tons of footage of Andi traipsing around Marseilles, France and longingly gazing at architecture while we hear the voiceover about how Marseilles, France could be a GREAT place to fall in love, we are treated to Andi and Hare sitting at a cafe talking about Marseilles, France... Am I developing Stockholm Syndrome, as I find myself faintly wishing for the Traipse Footage, instead of this coffee shop convo with America's Favorite Host? I long for the Traipse. But then decide that America's Favorite Host is bringing the show down to earth with this CoffeeConvo. No, no, wait... Now I'm looking at her garbage bag skirt and I'm questioning EVERYTHING... Hare asks if she's falling in love. Blah, blah, BLAH, she dodges the question by gulping her now tepid French Roast, from Marseilles, France. Unlike the rest of the mimes guys, Hare is an expert at nonverbal communication, so he receives the French Roast Gulp, then raises her one: "So you are falling in love... is it the same guy?"

Did it hurt, Hare?


One on One: Josh
So our favorite neanderthal gets the one on one date, and good ole Andrew thinks that Josh getting the date is Andi's way of "saying she wants to send me home at the end of the week." Grace thinks Andrew needs to go back to Social Media Marketing in Culver City, California, USA, ASAP.


So Josh and Andi meander around the city... get on a boat... sit on some rocks... and refuse to stop touching. They are walking with their arms around each other. They're holding hands. We're seeing a close up of them holding hands. They haven't stopped touching. Oh sheesh, if this turns into what happened last season, when Sharleen couldn't "get to know" Juan Pablo cause they just kept MAKING OUT...

"Why can't I stop kissing you, Juan Pablo?" 

Andi keeps going on about how it's hard to get to know him, and even though their chemistry is off the charts, she wants to "get to know him on a deeper level" and "have deeper conversations" and "more deeply-" Hold up. Is it just me, or does Josh have a bug bite on his face, right now? I've resorted to zeroing in my focus on this possible bug bite, as a result of the boredom that has arisen in response to Andi's yapping about how she wants to ask deep questions. And for someone who's desperately seeking answers, why won't she make eye contact with him, on these cliffs right now?

Josh reminds me of the torrent of emotional angst that was Graham, on DeAnna’s season. (And the Graham that was involved with Michelle Money on Bachelor Pad: Season Whatever. (May Blakelee and Tony’s relationship rest in peace.) And may Michelle Money be less than “33 and still single” by the end of Bachelor in Paradise, although her odds don’t look so good…)

Ah, and at dinner, we finally get the “deep conversation” for which Dwarfman has been longing. And by “deep conversation,” I mean a vague discussion about Andi "judging guys who are my type as being athletes who cheat.”

A deep conversation... this is not.

But he gets a rose. 

In typical troglodyte fashion, Josh is STOKED about the subsequent private concert. No but seriously: because he’s a caveman, he has a very limited concept of music, therefore he is mega thrilled by the whole thing. Don’t tell me I’m being too hard on him: did you hear what sweet nothing Dwarfman whispered in his ear? “Shhh listen to the words…”

Speaking of cavemen, my personal favorite Neanderthal, Bryan, was a member of the Living Room Peanut Gallery, last night, in addition to my friend Johnny, who has rigorously dedicated himself to my Bachelor tutelage, as of late.(ie: he’s become a huge fan of the show, recently) As we were watching them sway to a Poor Man’s Josh Ratchet, I heard:

Johnny: He just kissed her nose.
Bryan: She kissed his first.
Johnny: Fair.

Welcome to the Living Room, booooyyyyzzz!!!
(These boyz are MEN)

Group Date: Everybody but Brian and Josh

Oh boy. Nick decided to inform Marquel that at the very first rose ceremony, Andrew referred to him as a “blackie.” The biggest problem with the whole thing: poor Marquel is in a bubble. So the Bachelorette Shrink was able to convince him that he should be WAY more upset than necessary about this. The same kind of Bubble Manipulation that is responsible for convincing 16 American women that they were vying for the affection of Prince Harry on a certain NBC show that just got axed. Thus, Marquel asserts that he is going to "challenge Andrew" later on. Something tells me cookies are not involved.

We arrive to the group date to see that it’s not a French equivalent of Boyz II Men, but… Dustin Hoffman teaching the art of Mime. All of France will be there for the performance. (Direct quote. Andi asked Hoffman “So now it is time for them to perform? For all of France?”)

Even though there’s STILL something about him that doesn’t sit right with me, Marcus summarized the experience supremely: “Americans should never come to France and mime. Ever." And no, Marcus ISN’T the only guy who had to strip AND mime, let’s not forget Magic Cody, who is very occupied with his “mime on his money and his money on his mime.”

May we take a brief moment to discuss Nick? For starters:

I don't know WHAT to make of the part where Andi called him "salty," except to surmise that she meant to say "sulky" but then decided to commit to "salty." I can only assume she did not intend to refer to him as "vulgar" or "aggressive." 

Unfortunately, during the Bros-Hang-Out-And-Drink-While-Other-Bros-Steal-Andi-Away-For-A-Minute, when Nick set Cody up to talk smack about Andrew, Cody chose to talk about NICK. 


And let’s not fail to acknowledge that set up. If Nick were a quarterback, that setup was the equivalent of the QB donning an invisibility cloak before winding up to throw the ball. It was subtle, it was stealthy, and instead of catching the ball and running it in for a touchdown, Cody caught the ball and more or less handed it to the opposing team on a silver platter.

I rarely find myself siding with the antagonist in these instances, but I was 100% on Nick’s side. Should he have come home from his date saying that he had the strongest connection with Andi? Probably not. But was it detrimental to anyone who still their sanity, at that point? No. (Now when it comes to the Marquels and the JJs who get sucked into Bubble Manipulation Land by the Bachelorette Shrink, where sanity is questionable... all bets are off.)

Patrick (resident darkhorse, anyone?) added fuel to the fire with his, "Arrogance is not a quality of a gentleman." CLEARLY we need to set up Patrick with Kelly, from I Wanna Marry Harry, who is all about “how to behave like a lady.” AMIRITE?

Let’s not forget that Andi fights crime for a living (wait, this just in: she officially left her Assistant DA job in Hotlanta.) Ok so she DID fight crime for a living. And if she can take pictures of graffiti on cinderblocks, then she can CERTAINLY deduce when there’s drama going on in the next room. So what does she do to get the scoop? She pulls aside the Simpleton. Farmer Chris.

Surprising NO ONE, Farmer Chris is incapable of subtleties, and barred NO holds as he laid everything out on the table for Andi.

And sure, I can applaud the way that Marquel handled himself in the confrontation with Andrew (how else did he think it was going to go?) and how he handled himself in front of Andi, but the MVP award goes to… Nick.
Let’s be honest: the way he handled himself is rather unprecedented. He took COMPLETE responsibility and apologized to all parties. No one seemed to know what to do with THAT one.

Instances to which Nick's handling of himself are NOT similar include, but are not limited to:

London calling... 

Melissa calling... 

And... Wait for it... 
Hottest mess in Bachelor history...

Oh, and JJ got the rose.

One on One Date: Coach
I mean, I don't wanna say "Coach crashed and burned," but... COACH CRASHED AND BURNED. 

To be fair, he got the stupid movie date. (Anyone remember when they watched "Brave" on Emily Maynard's season, talked WAY too much about how you have to be brave to find love, then hosted their own highland games?) It seemed to be smooth sailing on this date...  until they got to the kitchen.

Based on Coach's behavior, we are left to assume the WORST about his experience in the kitchen. Did he murder someone in a kitchen? Is the kitchen where he found out Santa Clause wasn't real? Either way, this is what THE Coach would've had to say about it:
WWCD? What would Coach (Taylor) do?

Fortunately Andi's Coach was able to pull himself together once they left the kitchen and got some decent food... She gave him a rose because... How could you not?
The relevance of this photo is 0%.
Every rose she gives him brings her one step closer to being Mrs. Eric Taylor, and lemme tell you: girls don't dream that "someday my prince will come," they dream "SOMEDAY I'LL BE TAMI TAYLOR."

Tami, y'all.
So not only did she keep the guys waiting around FOREVER, before the rose ceremony, but Chris had to let them know that there would be NO cocktail party, and then they had to film all the interviews of the guys whining about it... Andrew, Marquel and Patrick (darkhorse, no more) got sent home. I only have two questions:
1) Why was she holding the boutonnieres up ridiculously high, while she made duck faces at the guys?


Oh... What's that? Alright, FINE. I'll oblige. 

One more for the road... 


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