Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Here She Is, Barcelona...

        Here’s what happened: Drew went on the first one-on-one. They made out. A lot. He told her that James is a snake. Everyone except for Zak went on a group date. They played soccer. This version of James was revealed to the guys:

But only this version of James was revealed to Dez:

       Dez was utterly petrified of hurting James’ feelings to his face, so she put off sending him home until the very last minute. He, Juan Pablo and Hashtag Kasey went home. Oh, and there was a one-on-one date with Zak. She opted to “accept these abs” and gave him a rose.

        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

        Several things about the opening montage:
 -  I was putting the finishing touches on my dinner (let’s be real: it was a bowl of pasta. For the ninth night in a row. Ask me if I’m upset about it) and I couldn’t see who was making yuk yuk jokes about Barcelona, so I hollered to my roommate to tell me who it was. She said, “Hang on… I’m waiting to see his face… Oh it’s the priest guy. With the really white teeth.”

You mean the abs guy, Carolyn?

-  I mean, really: where could they POSSIBLY go on this show and hear the contestants say, “Yeah, I just… I don’t think this is a great place to fall in love.” Is it the Black Hills of South Dakota? Where isn’t a “great place to fall in love”?!

- While I sprinkled fresh parm on my oversized shells, I couldn’t help but notice that my burning curiosity about how the evening would unfold was in regards to… Hare’s wardrobe. The man has been pulling out the stops when it comes to looking fresh this season, so I was stoked to see with what Barcelona would present us…
…It was a blazer and sweater.

-  And as I put the finishing touch of Jane’s Crazy Mixed-Up Salt on my delectable shells, I hear one of the guys yell, “Just because you’re here, you don’t get to be the Bachelor!”
        Let me put it this way: I work with children for a living. Upon hearing this, my instinctual reaction was to drop the bowl of shells and run into the living room to break up whatever fight had occurred between two four year olds. Oh, my bad: it was a squabble between grown men.


-        Drew made the choice to immediately kiss Dez at the beginning of the date. Dez liked this. I’m not going to say I “liked” this, and I still think Drew is actually a woman, but I didn’t find myself too upset by it.

-        As we saw from her conversations with the flock of seagulls in the premiere, Dez is obsessed with The Notebook. Whether she wants to just be Rachel McAdams like I do, because it would mean she was actually the most beautiful woman on the planet, or just have Ryan Gosling tell her that “if you’re a bird I’m a bird,” is unknown. Both are completely valid, believe me. But Dez shoving her ice cream into her face just so she could recreate this moment?

…Not ok.

-        Now it’s not like he’d single-handedly just hauled a boat out of the river and swept a rain-soaked Dez off her feet or anything, but I’m not too upset that Drew dragged Dez outside and pressed her up against a wall.

Still think he’s a woman, though. Can’t escape that nagging sensation in the back of my mind.

-        Ohhhh good play, Drew, on waiting until AFTER she gave you the rose, to break the news about James. If you’re gonna throw someone under the hottug in this franchise, that’s the best way to do it…

-        I’m finding his angst about revealing this whole James thing to be endearing. If he looks this torn up about it, clearly he’s not gleefully rubbing his hands together about the kind of havoc he can wreck… Ten points, Drew. You’re still a woman, but you get ten points.
-        At his Man Pow Wow with the guys the next day, I need to remark that Drew’s hair looks INCREDIBLE when it’s not styled. It is seriously unreal how much more I prefer him when his hair isn’t full of gel.

-   So this is the first time Drew has ever told anyone about his dad… How long ago did the half-parked car thing happen? I mean, doesn’t it make a bit of a difference if it was ten months ago vs ten years ago?

-    Kasey, Mike and Drew: Did they congregate in Juan Pablo’s backyard for this little pow wow about Jafar James? Seriously where are they right now?

-About Drew, Dez gushes, “He’s so romantic and passionate about romance.”
…Not dignifying this nonsense with commentary.

- “I’m reserved in group settings but put me on a one-on-one… with a girl that I’m crazy about…” Well what happens with a girl you’re not crazy about, Drew?

- “Barcelona brings out my emotional, artistic side.”
Can we just talk about this, for a second? I know Dez is the queen of general clichés, but I JUST can’t let her off the hook on this one. What does it mean, exactly, for one’s artistic side to be brought out? As though it is closeted, otherwise? Like, does she doodle on napkins more, when she’s in Barcelona?


-Brooks tells us Dez is wearing workout lingerie but that we shouldn’t tell. I elbowed Carolyn at this line, pointed to Brooks and said, “Roommate. He’s going to be our roommate. We can’t tell my Dad.”

-  “Here’s to kicking the soccer  balls today and kicking it with Dez tonight” Ohhh LawyerMan’s got a pun…

-  Whether it was a set-up, to make James the goalie, remains unknown. I can’t help but compare this to that stupid Bentley they gave Dez at the beginning: the pay-off was just never as big as the set-up. Now if during his meltdown with the guys, James had shrieked, “And to top it all off, I got scored on today by little girls! AND NOT THE GOOD KIND OF SCORING!” it would have been worth it. But until then, leave the artistry to the big boys, Intern Jacob…

-  Kasey consulted his Legal Advisor, Michael, before proceeding with the confrontation. #LegalBackUp

-   I cannot begin to dissect the emotions and reactions that are rapidly flickering across James’ face right now. But the biggest one I’m getting is: BEWILDERMENT.

-  People with whom I don’t want to get in an argument: Michael. If anyone has ever spent more than .5 minutes with me, you know this is saying a lot. My own brother is a lawyer and he stopped picking fights with me long ago, because he knows he can’t win.

-  James is confused. “Cause this is tough. It’s tough, Dez.” (And Dez isn’t responding to his tears.) I’d love to see a relationship therapist analyze James’ tactics right now. If I had DVR, I’d go back and watch this whole exchange, for the sake of breaking down how many zillions of tactics James goes through, in attempt to cover his tracks, here.

-  Michael does make a strong point that James made no effort to talk proactively about his feelings for Dez. Even though I’m completely convinced that Michael is into men, I can’t help but be attracted to this concrete logic. (Maybe it’s just that it’s so lacking on this show, that I find it striking)

-How much help did Intern Jacob give Dez, on that poem for Chris? I just need to know…  

Emotions were running high, people. Therefore any and all verbal faux pas worth mentioning are in the last section. There were many on this particular group date.


- Jacob was clearly too jet lagged (or hungover from the night before? We all know Hare can drink anyone under the table…) to come up with anything even remotely clever, other than for Zak to approach Dez at her sketchbook. Seriously what could she have possibly been drawing? Sean’s Giant Snow Bus?

-  Zak quickly realizes that Dez is NOT joking about “being artists” all afternoon, as she takes him into an art studio.

-  His drawing of Dez is amazing. I would seriously propose in that moment, solely for the sake of building a family and home with Zak, where we could frame that picture and keep it forever.

-  Anyone remember the last time Dez was in an art gallery? Ugh. I miss Sean's Giant Snow Bus FAR too much right now. And his Dad's fried armadillos. Yuk yuk yuk. 

- I love that Dez thinks it’s ok to say “Zak is creative and I can’t wait to do this with him today…” when it’s SKETCHING. It’s not crafting. You can’t get away with “being creative,” when it comes to sketching, you just have to be GOOD at it.

- Zak tells Dez, “At this point in my life, you kind of mean everything to me.”
Two words: Kind of?!

-  James thinks he’s back in the game when he steps outside to talk to Dez. In the past twelve hours he spent avoiding the guys, he was clearly looking at his reflection in the mirror, slapping himself saying, “COME ON, GOALIE. If you believe your story, she’ll believe your story.” I’m sad to say that… he was kind of right.  He’d apparently slapped his own face enough times to feel ok about saying, “The conversation with Mikey was about scenarios. Like, what if you were the Bachelor? What if you were the Bachelor? What if you were Dez’s husband? What if you were Dez’s husband?” Even though I would have been sweating WAY more profusely than Dez was in this instance, I would have stood up and said, “You didn’t say that. You and Mikey absolutely didn’t talk about being my husband. Bye.” Yet, inexplicably, Dez is TERRIBLE at having any kind of discernment.

-  HOLY TOLEDO, the sweat on James’ shirt right now is amazing. Clearly Intern Jacob held a hair dryer on “cool,” up to it for forty-five minutes before James strutted back into the suite to face the guys, because all traces of DRENCHED SHIRT were gone.

-  In a moment of shocking clarity, Drew says to James, “You wouldn’t say to a girl that you were dating: ‘Hey I can’t wait to meet the people that I date after we break up!” I’m slightly hesitant to say so, but I think Drew might have just nailed the crux of the issue, here.

-  I love how Drew thinks there are “so many questions that the guys will need to have answered tonight, based on her decision” when really, if she keeps James, the only question will be: WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR YOU TO BUY INTO CRAP, DEZ?!

- Why is this girl always in hose? I’m not mad about them but seriously why? We saw her legs when she *attempted* to rollerblade down the pier at Santa Monica, clearly they’re not covered in moles, so why the hose?

-  Ah the fine antique shelf of photos. Maybe THAT will help her make a decision

- Hare, the Perpetual Teacher, tells the guys, “I know you guys have just done the math” about the roses. He puts so much faith in these men.

- Ok so James will depart, soley based on the fact that three guys have to go home. That was easy.

I think there was a record high this week.

-        I don’t even know what she was referencing, but something in Barcelona made Dez say, “Makes me feel officially in Spain.”

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that I DON’T think she was aiming for a Lucille Bluth delivery of “The apple does not far from the tree fall,” here.

- “I am being overcome by emotions right now” PARTY FOUL, VOCABULARY DREW. Even though he was overwhelmed with emotions, he neglected to remember that “overcome” is in fact an active verb, not a passive one.

- “I feel like I could give you any activity and you could do it so good…” Does Chris’ athleticism hurt so good too, Dez? Does it?

-  Dez apologizes to Chris for her poetry because she had to “do it on the airport.”

- Hashtag Kasey had QUITE a few faux pas last night. But then again, the man speaks in hashtags. Maybe I should cut him some slack.


- He told us that, “the contents of the conversation was…”
...I didn’t know “contents” was singular.

- He said that James was busy trying to calculate “how he can counter-accusate…”
Let’s stick to making up hashtags, Kasey. Not words.

- “We left and James and her were in the living room.” Dear Kasey, let’s talk about pronouns…

- Priestly Zak informed us that, “I’m in a cave and it’s just Dez and I.”

- Dez whines that, “James is so sincere in everything he says… I empathize with him.”
Oh good grief. Have you been there, Dez? Because to empathize means that you’ve been there. (Don’t get me wrong: it’s cool if she has been there, it just changes everything we thought we knew about her…)

- “He puts up this façade, this show…” Ah, Drew. I got you, brah. I’ve been there. I CAN EMPATHIZE with you. Either you meant to say “he puts up a wall and shuts people out” or “he puts ON a show so Dez can’t see who he is…”


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