Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Someone's About To Get Thrown Under The Hottug...

(In case you caught that tweet on the bottom of the screen last night, nobody worry: I'm not trying to take any credit for that line I put in the title...)

Let’s start with this: before even watching tonight (‘cause it doesn’t come on over here till 8) I was told by my friend Heather Gaines that about the former home of the Third Reich, Dez said “This is just the happiest place on earth!”

…Only one question: was she paid by the German government to say this? And if so, did she get more for that plug than Soldier Boy did, for his appearance on the show? (Again: refuse to dignify his existence by engaging in the terrible spelling of his name…)

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

One on One with Chris (NOT the host)


- If I had DVR, I would have watched Hare saying the name of that German hotel at least forty five times.

- Miley Cyrus came on the screen at one point, during a commercial break, telling America that she’d be on Jimmy Kimmel tonight and Good Morning America tomorrow. As I sauntered into the kitchen to grab a Pop Tart, I hollered at the screen, “Why does she expect us to stay up with her tonight and get up with her tomorrow morning?! SHE DOESN’T DESERVE ANYTHING.” My roommate Carolyn then pulled up the music video for Miley's new single.
          ...I refuse to dignify the existence of this atrocity by further comment.

- Chris seems shockingly adept at reading German, even if he can’t translate the date card.

- Dez tried to whine about how they were “so tourist-y,” and once again, Chris shot up the Approval Meter by more or less saying, “Hey maybe it’s not so much the Germany for Dummies book as it is those cameras in front of us…”Aaaaand cue the fumbling, bumbling music as they try to navigate around Munich. Where is Eric Bana right now? (Is it inappropriate that he’s the first person I think of, when I think of Munich?)

- In what could be considered a throw-back to Sean wandering around Prague, yelling out Emily’s name, Bryden proceeds to take matters into his own hands by asking the citizens of this fine city if they’ve seen television cameras around. I find it curious that NO ONE BOTHERS pointing out the FIFTEEN CAMERAS that are probably right behind Bryden.

- The sinister music builds as he approaches them. We see gargoyles. How LONG did the Bachelorette Intern Jacob have to yell “keep doing the dosey-do! Bryden hasn’t made contact yet!” Meanwhile Carolyn finally threw up her hands and said, "I'm glad Bryden is doing this. I'm glad he's stopping this dancing that's happening right now."

- Chris doesn’t know what to think about Bryden’s interruption. Neither do the birds that are pecking the ground, two feet away from him, begging for bread crumbs from Bachelorette Intern Jacob.

- Let's face it: Bryden had a pretty mellow exit. I was having flashbacks to Ashely Herbert climbing into the consolation that was that lavender tissue-paper comforter, upon Bentley's departure...

- Dez says she’s gonna be fine, about Bryden's departure. As tears start streaming down her face, she informs us that she will be FINE.

- Chris tells the camera that they’re enjoying a private concert by Matt White. As though he knows exactly who Matt White is. I would be so much more inclined to look up Mr. White’s music if they let Chris say something like, “I have no idea who Matt White is. Never heard of him before. But his music is great!”

Questions I Have:

- Why is Bryden so sunburned?

- In an effort to describe the Fifty Shades of Enjoyment of his date with Dez, Chris tells the camera all the things he doesn't have to worry about, tonight. Um, does he normally worry about what time he’s going to bed and if he can brush his teeth?

- Did this musician Matt White happen to be in Munich, or did they fly him there?

Memorable Quotes:

-  “I think this is the nicest hotel in Germany.” Oh, cause you would know, Ben.

-   Dez: This is my first trip to Europe.
    Carolyn: Oh my word-
    Grace: Don’t say it. Just don’t. She grew up in a teepee.

- In his campaign to be the next Bachelor, James muses about how upset Dez will be about Bryden’s exit and insists, “She’s gonna feel like it’s something about her.”
          …Welp, d-bag or no, this just might be the first and only insightful thing James has EVER said.

- When Bryden announces his exit to Dez, she asserts: "Well you did have a long plane ride. A lot of time to think." That's also a lot of time to get jet-lagged.

- At some point during one of the man pow wows, back at the "nicest hotel in all of Germany," I said to Carolyn: “I want Brooks to be my roommate. Not in your stead, but like, in addition to you. Carolyn, Grace and Brooks.”

- Mike: “Great. A two on one date with the guy that I find repulsive.” Repulsive, or attractive, Man Lovin' Mike?

Group Date


- Blah blah blah there’s a yodeler, snow, and sledding. Where is Sean’s Giant Snowbus when you need it?!

- No… No love is NOT like sledding down a hill in Germany. STOP, ZAK, STOPPPP. She will not accept these abs.

- Sidenote: Sure, it made for some awkward footage of Zak attack, waiting in the background behind Mikey and Dez making the snowmen, but at least he waited, so we didn’t have to hear that interview with Mikey, “So I’m sitting there, making snowmen with Dez, having a great time, and all of the sudden this guy comes out of nowhere and steals her away...”

- James needs to take off that infinity scarf RIGHT THIS SECOND.

Questions I Have

- Why is building these mini snowmen with Mikey the COOLEST thing she’s ever done?

Memorable Quotes

- “This is the happiest place on earth”
        You know, Dez… There are some people who spent a significant period of time in Germany, about 70 years ago, who would beg to differ. 

Two on One Date 

- Well Ben is certainly sweating (literally wiping his brow with a hankie in the limo ride) but I could have done without Mike’s legal puns.


- Dear Dez, we all know you’re terrible at the contemplative sauntering-around-a-new-city, but would you please learn how to just become .01% better at acting? You could become at least 50% better at believably convincing the guys that you were going to take a polar bear swim IF YOU’D TAKEN OFF THE BERET. 

- Well this is certainly the most overtly passive aggressive two-on-one date in the history of humanity. 

- I’d like to take a moment to address a blurb from the late night news that came on during a commercial break: “Coming up, tonight at ten: another day, another road rage attack in Los Angeles." That is all. 

- After observing them in another man pow wow, back at the Nicest Hotel in Germany, two things:
          1) Drew is still a woman. 
          2) I would LOVE to see Drew and Kasey on Bachelor Pad. The obsessive discussion that is going on right now is just too much. Chris is trying so hard to be a part of whatever it is that they are dissecting and chewing on. Brooks is debatably still on painkillers. I can’t say that I’m well-versed in prostitute jargon, but I think that Vocabulary Drew was trying to say that Mikey and James were talking about arranging for prostitutes… to be out on a boat, near Chicago. The only thing that needs to happen in a boat near Chicago is THIS:

I was seventeen in this picture. Clearly a baby. But clearly still exactly the same person I am today, making my dear friend Elana reenact the scene from My Best Friend's Wedding. Classic.

- Anyone seen that episode where Gob Bluth sputters, “I have feelings for you,” in season 4? 

Cause I’m feeling that same kind of baffled sentiment about the sympathy that is rising within me at the moment, for Ben. As much as I want to hate him, he is kind of handling this like a champ, right now…

- This is by far the biggest and most articulate attack and pay-off we’ve ever seen on this show, after all the talk leading up to the date. Let us hark back to more dramatically set-up two-on-one dates, ie: Ashley taking Will and Ben C. on that date when Ben got totally thrown under the bus and couldn’t defend himself. (And in the end Will got sent home too) Or how about when Brad Womack sent both Melissa and Raichel home (on his SECOND stint as The Bachelor) when they tried to throw each other under the hottug? You remember Melissa – she was the crazy blonde chick that came back on season 2 of Bachelor Pad that was obsessed with Blake… Usually on this show, if one tries to throw another under the hottug, they end up incriminating themselves. (Remember when Kacey B told Sean she was “between a rock and a hard spot” about… I don’t even remember what it was about, frankly, because it was so absurd, but she ended up getting sent home at the end of that episode.) I was fully expecting Dez to follow suit and send Mike home, but for some reason… Ben got sent home, and his exit interview was not unlike a one Wes Hayden, after Jillian sent him home… The point is: thank God for lawyers and their wordsmithery.

Speaking of which, here’s a lawyer:

He is also capable of crossing only one eye at a time, like myself. No relation. None. 

- The rose ceremony was too boring to even discuss. I will say that I didn’t mind Hare’s relentless interrogation of Dez, pre-ceremony. And finally, I’d just like to remind everyone that Kasey is the guy who TALKED ABOUT HASHTAGS ALL NIGHT LONG, during the premiere.

That is all.

If you're a bird, I’m a bird.

1 comment:

  1. Too funny! I've watched probably one and a half Bachelor/Bachelorette episodes but still found this incredibly witty. And I know even less about Lincee Ray, but I credit all the above to a one Grace Douglas because I know her to be one of the most hilarious people on the planet (which is why I am reading this blog in the first place). I realize my deductions are a priori, but here's what I can gather. One, your chances of your child getting on this show are statistically better if you name her Desiree. Alternatively she might get a spot on Toddlers and Tiaras. Second, despite the heterosexual nature of the show there are quite a few guys whose sexual ambivalence must be pretty apparent, thus making the elimination process easier for the stymied bachelorette. Lastly, to heck with the lawyers: thank God for Grace and HER wordsmithery.