WHAT WILL SHE TELL DONOVAN?!

I would like to begin this post by posing a hypothetical scenario: during the whole Brian Blow-up, I can’t decide if it would have been better for Dez to be approached or the (ex?) girlfriend, but I would have paid BIG MONEY to see one of the guys come out of the house, up to the girls during the big blow up and say, “Could I steal you away for a just minute?”

First things first: if anyone was wondering what kind of crafting was going on tonight, during the episode, there was this:

Some of this:

And a little bit of this:

Perhaps the series of events that led to this week will be disclosed at a later date, but long story short: I’m running a Craft Camp this week. It is called Artsy Tartsy. And helloooo I have to test the crafts before I unleash them on the kiddos. (I enlisted the help of my roommate, Carolyn.)

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. 

Dodgeball Group Date:

Memorable Quotes:

- “I could see pain all over his face. And I couldn’t make it better.”

Join us next time, for BLATANTLY OBVIOUS REMARKS WITH DEZ. 

- Chris said something to the effect of “We see the National dodgeball team. They have dodgeballs. We don’t know what we’re doing.” REALLY?! You have ZERO clue?! Once the teams had been assigned, he went on to say that he was confident in his team because “Mikey was a really big guy.” Now listen. I’m no dodgeball expert, but am I wrong to assume that the larger your body mass, the larger your chances of getting hit with a ball? I’m also no stat expert, but I’m just gonna leave that one out there on the table.

- Man Lovin' Mike: "We're about to go to war in this little caged-in arena..." You upset about that, Magic Mike?

Questions I have:

- Who got paid more? The National Dodgeball Captain, or Soldier Boy?

- Just how many times did el Capitan practice his spiel?

- Oh Chris… Did YOU find this spot, on top of the Intercontinental, having never been there before, or did the Bachelorette Intern? Good move, either way. 

Observations:

- Oh I’m sure you "randomly" drew those teams, Hare.

- Reason 953 I’d make a terrible Bachelorette:
       

 …I don’t find ANYTHING funny about guys in short shorts.

Except MAYBE their tan lines. But seriously. Dez. It’s not that funny. I will say what I find hilarious is when guys rally up and do team cheers. 

- If I hear the word “balls” one more time, I will seriously throw up.
- Mike, glad you clarified that “marbles” was a metaphor for “minutes with Dez.”
- Aaaaaaand Books is now infertile. Oh wait. It’s his hand. WAIT. This just might be the first actual injury we’ve ever seen on this show.
- In the past five minutes, Drew has used the words "palpable" and "fluid." These are unusual occurences for The Bachelorette, I must say.
- SO many inappropriate shots of Brooks on this gurney right now.
- There’s no way that anyone could accuse Brooks of pulling a Tierra because he’s clearly hyped up on pain meds right now, reinserting himself into the party. Ok but really, is Dez going to get high from making out with oxycotin-drenched Brooksie?
- If I hear “her and I” one more time, I will also barf.

THE MOST DRAMATIC CONFRONTATION IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY. 

(Tell me something I don't already know, Hare.) 

- I’m really, really deeply confused about what is happening with these peach pants right now that Dez is wearing.
- Drew seemed so adult and educated with his two moderately-advanced vocab words on the group date. He then regressed to kindergarten by tattling in his interview: "You don’t go on a dating show when you have a girlfriend. HE'S IN TROUBLE." Would you feel better if Hare put him in time-out, Drew?
- Dez should never go into any form of mediating or counseling. Hare, on the other hand, is handling this crisis beautifully.
- “You threw rocks at my face.” Oh those words definitely just got said...
- When Dez demanded if any of the other guys had anything to tell her, I really really wanted Mike to blurt out “I’m in love with Ben.” No dice. 

- Aaaaand Brandon is crying. No, this is more than crying, this is like, weeping. Ok so now we all know that he came on this show for the free counseling, no judgment...

#KaseyIsAWinner's date was so lame that I seriously only have one remark. To Kasey, I’d like to say: #opportunities. Let's talk about what kind of consolation he could have provided on this date. Anyone remember JP's date with Ashley after Bentley's departure? Yet the only consoling that went on was the #ConsolationRose that Dez gave him.

John Wayne Group Date

Memorable Quotes:

- “She’s in a beautiful gown from… the 1900’s.” Nineteen hundred and what, James? 1990? That wasn't a good save, buddy. 

- I can't directly quote him, but Juan Pablo definitely uttered some kind of native equestrian cry, upon seeing the stallions. 

Observations:

- The guys are freaking out about the horses like Dez freaked out about the short shorts, and I'm getting so bored. Thank God for my crafts. 

- I have no idea who this guy Dan is, but I’m not mad about his pants splitting. And it looks like he handled it well. Ten points, Dano.
- I am floored by Zac’s ability to articulate right now. Once again, he's pulling a Lindsay Yenter right now by proving that he's more than just a pretty face drunk hott mess on the first night.

COCKTAIL PARTY POOL PARTY

Thoughts: 

I mean, based on their freakishly sadistic scheming to get rid of Brian, I get it that Hare and Dez want to be in cahoots. But for Hare to announce that Dez has cancelled the cocktail party... Only to announce that there will be a pool party, instead? That just... What a waste. 

Ben is wearing Ryan’s tank tops. That’s what I have to say. Doubt me?

- Ben wants to show Dez that he’s not just a Dad, but he can be spontaneous and romantic.

…Cause it’s really romantic to ask a girl to drive you in her car for fifteen minutes.

- I will not dignify the presence of this hot tub orgy by discussing it.
- Drew. Still a woman. 

- But seriously, Ben. This woman tank top with neon pink shorts? WHY.
- “I can’t unscramble that egg.”

        ...We won't fault you for trying, Magic Mike. 

- Mike: “This show isn’t called ‘let’s make friends.’”
  Roomate Carolyn : Wait… I thought we were watching Let’s Be Friends. What is this show?! What have we been watching this whole time?
- As Creepy Brandon is talking to Dez, Carolyn is chanting, “CRY. CRY. CRY.” Ohhhhh Dez giggling as Brandon kisses her. NOT a good sign.

Well... At least Brandon said good bye to her with (some?) class. I think the Bachelorette Shrink just upped her rates...

Verbal Faux Pas:

Aside from the innumerable uses of "her and I," there are only two honorable mentions tonight:

- Dez remarked that the whole Brian thing "threw me back." 

        ...It threw you off, Dez. 

- Bryden said that Juan Pablo could have been “spouting off a pasta recipe, for all we knew..." 

       ...Hey Bryden, that line would have been funny if... Juan Pablo were Italian. 

Oh, and finally, on the promo for next week, we hear Dez say, "I want a love that will light the darkness."

I'm not going to attempt to dissect this, I'm just going to end on it.

As always, shout-out to my fave recapper of all time, Lincee Ray: http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/

If you're a bird, I'm a bird.