Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Who's Swooping Whom?

I have tried, so very many times, to rip out my own heart.

        No but I’m not even kidding: my life would be so much easier without the restraints of compassion and empathy getting in my way.

        For anyone that’s ever had ANY kind of exchange with me, it is no secret that I’m too cheap to pay for any kind of cable (and ergo DVR) and am too desperately attached to live TV to watch in any form that is not real time.

        This usually isn't a problem, until tonight, when I found myself taking a load of my clothes out of the dryer at 7:37 PM, and running into Sheryl, a sweet lady who lives in the apartment two doors down from us.

Sheryl is in a boot, walking around on crutches, and was doing her laundry.

        I blame my mother for the next words that came out of my mouth, “Do you want me to grab your clothes out of the dryer and bring them to your apartment?”

        She was hobbling around in a boot, I’d never even spoken to her in my life, but how could I not offer? (Like I said: Granny is responsible for what I’ll settle on calling “compulsive compassion.”) Because now I was responsible for timing a commercial break to jet out and grab Sheryl’s clothes, fold them (like I said: compulsive) and deliver them to her, all while being brusque enough to not illicit any small talk, because I’M SORRY SHERYL, BUT I CAN’T PAUSE THIS SHIZ. IT’S PLAYING IN REAL TIME AND IF I DON’T DART BACK TO MY APARTMENT, I’LL MISS ONE OF HARE’S DENSELY COLORED FRENCH BLUE SHIRTS, OR DEZ TALKING ABOUT HOW POOR SHE WAS AS A CHILD.

        All of this could have been easily avoided if I had just politely nodded to the woman lumbering out of the laundry room, but the claws of compassion are clenched tightly around my heart. Like I said: I’ve tried ripping it out. I have.

Ahem, moving on:

        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.


- I’m so glad Hare explained the date rules to everyone. I’ve been so deeply confused about it all, for the past 11 years and Hare cleared it up in 11 seconds.

- Brooks still hasn’t washed his hair.

- In what I can only guess was a lame attempt to explain why they're going to a gallery of quinceanera dresses, Dez says that she needs a guy to be comfortable and ok with the fact that she wants to design wedding dresses. Not be a stripper, or even something pseudo-risque like say, an actress, but... a wedding dress designer.

- As much as I generally disenjoy Dez, I would TOTALLY be her best friend if it meant that a cupcake truck was a part of her "everyday life." Anyone else catch that? How she started the date by saying she wanted it to be a slice of "everyday life"? Anyone?

- I’m calling it, right now: Dez is going to say “I’m so glad that Brooks was willing to just go with the flow and follow my lead and move the “ROAD BLOCKED” signs…” When in reality, there should be some serrrrious red flags that he was willing to move those signs.

- Based on what I will call his "somewhat-reserved candor" when speaking about his parents, it is clear that our Brooksie has been to therapy. I support this. 

Memorable Quotes:
- Dez reminds us: “I want love at the end of this.”

        ...As though there were ANY chance that ANYONE watching ANYWHERE would EVER question that she was here for ANY other reason.

- Brooks remarks that “Dez is this giant ball of mystery.” Is she though, Brooksie? Cause I’m pretty sure she’s so NOT complex that she’s laid everything out for us in acrylic glitter bridal markers. (And no, those aren’t actually a thing– trust me: if they were, I’d have them.)

- I believe it was Zak W. who remarked that it was amazing “seeing Dez in her everyday clothes, with her hair down…” I would just like to point out that Zak never has, in fact, seen Dez with her hair up. He should have checked his previous entries in his questionably antique journal, on that one.

- In his Lucky the Leprechaun tux, Dez tells Brooks, “You are so funny.” No Dez, that tux is so funny. And it's not even funny, it's just weird and pointless.

- Dez enlightened Americans everywhere with her insights about the Hollywood sign: "I think it represents everyone coming here. To pursue their dreams.” (Trivial fact, from someone who refuses to find anything profoundly meaningful in the sign: It was originally erected in 1923 and read "Hollywoodland.") Brooks went on to somehow compare a relationship to the sign, and this assertion was also steeped in zero logic. I think Dez may have also later compared herself to the state of California, but all these unfounded metaphors are blurring together in my mind.

- I DO need to give a shoutout to my girl Carol right now, mother of my classmate and dear friend Jenna. I saw classmates Jenna and Trent in the national tour of American Idiot this weekend, but I don't like to brag about the accomplishments of my friends. I'm not trying to use The Bachelor Franchise to turn my one bar into five bars, here. I love talking to Carol about the show, and because she DOES have DVR and because the moment that Brooks talked about his previous relationship was muffled by the sound of my roommate walking in the door, then tossing her Trader Joes bags to the ground at the realization that it was Bachelor Monday, I texted Carol to ask what it was that Brooks said, because I figured he had either dropped a bomb like divorce, or had said something meaningless about being in a serious past relationship where he had his heart broken...
      ...It was the latter. Thanks, Carol.

- Memorable quotes from Grace: “(seeing Andy Grammer concert) This isn’t happening. THIS IS. NOT. HAPPENING. (Seeing their dance moves) Ok wait this REALLY isn’t happening. Make it stop. Stop going around in circles. Please stop.”

Questions I have:
-And just how do you know that "Brooks can be fun," Dez?

- I'm too lazy to actually look into this, but I'm 90% sure it's actually very much illegal to go within a fifty foot radius of the Hollywood sign.

- It was during said adventure of questionable legality, my roommate Carolyn walked in, took one look at the screen and said, “What is she, an actress?”

- Brooks Brothers went to great lengths to articulate the vulnerable limb he was out on, when he told Dez that... his parents had been divorced and that he, like any real human with real feelings, passionately disclosed his feelings to his father, years afterward. I would just like to pose the question: has a contestant on this show ever gone out on one of these limbs and NOT had a warm response? I'm just saying. Hark back to AshLee telling Sean of her childhood. Or Emily telling the girls and then Brad about Ricky's accident. Or even Jason Mesnick telling DeAnna about Ty. (Remember when having a kid was a really big deal? Ben shows no traces of this...) Anyone ever see that (INCREDIBLE) show, Average Joe on NBC? Cause on Season 2, (ahem, Average Joe 2: Hawaii) this girl Larissa picked a guy named Gil (who was not-so-Average-Joe, in fact a model) and after choosing him in the finale, she then disclosed that she dated Fabio and he actually got up from the table and took off down the beach. After she'd chosen him as her final guy. I'm JUST saying that nothing like that EVER happens on this show, meanwhile the contestants talk about their revelations like they're admitting that they dated Fabio and Gil is going to take off down the beach about it...

- And finally, is anyone else is wondering if Brooks is going to suffer from First Date Syndrome and get really clingy and needy and send himself down in flames? Just a thought... 

Group Date:
Juan Pablo. May you never stop dancing.

- The casual way that Zak W. is handling a box of something that is supposedly antique is reminiscent of how Julie Andrews gives Princess Mia that locket, in Princess Diaries, and Anne Hathaway roughly shoves it into her backpack, much to the chagrin of Grandma Clarisse.

- Ok and wow. America just watched Zak W. make a comeback from his embarrassment that was the premiere, that was lightyears faster than Lindsay Yenter's, after getting hammered and showing up at Sean's in a wedding dress...

- Ben "doesn’t wait for Dez to come find him. He’s old-fashioned." I'd just like to take a moment to point out that apparently being “old-fashioned” means "having a kid with your best friend..."

- Somehow, if Mikey remarks that Ben is not genuine I am, rather inexplicably, willing to believe him. I don't know if this says more about my regard for Mikey, or my distaste for Ben.

- Ben seems to be handling this confrontation with Mikey well, so far... Wait, this is literally the first well-received confrontation that has occurred in ANY contestant-to-contestant combat, in the history of this show.

- Dez seriously looks exhausted right now. And I never sympathize with the Bachelorette. Or Dez. But someone get the BacheloretteInternGopher up off of that cot of his so the girl can close her eyes for fifteen seconds.

Memorable Quotes:
- About Brandon's lack of clothing, Man-Lovin' Mike asserted: “His outfit… is so incredible.” I will let this sentence speak for itself. Brandon continues to do a number of highly inexplicably explicit man-stretches around Mike as he whines, “I've got a good heart right? That’s all that matters in life.” I could be wrong, but it seems like B-Dog has caught onto the fact that Mike is into men and is enjoying it.

- “It’s nice having Soldier Boy here to kind of guide everything.” Thank you, Dez. Thank you.

Questions I Have: 
- Tell me HOW they got Soldier Boy to do this show. I will not dignify his existence by employing the ludicrous spelling of his name.

- Why this cowboy motif with a rap video? Oh it's cause Wes was a country singer, I get it. It is completely without shame that I announce my synchronized completion of Ben's line about "love don't come easy," after only hearing the word cue word "queasy," and having never seen any part of this episode before.

- Brandon informed us that he had to "jiggle my junk in her vicinity."  1) You don’t HAVE to do anything, Brandon. 2) Thank you for using an oblique term like “her vicinity.”

- Brandon later presents his case to Dez as a potential future husband with the following: “I'm not an ivy-league guy, I don’t have a great family… But I was born.”

Date with Bryden: 
Dez talks about how "cute and adorable" this little small town is. She has 100% NEVER been there before.

- So… Bryden just has some casually gruesome photos in his casual jacket pocket, casually.

- I cannot bring myself to be upset about the way that Dez handled poor wittle Bryden not going in for the kiss right away… And then how Bryden subsequently handled himself: equally commendable. Dez, I’m not mad at you for your rehabilitation of what otherwise could have been a DISASTROUS moment.

Memorable Quotes:
“I love California driving. The scenery is unreal.” UNLESS YOU’RE ON THE 405, DEZ.

- Dez: do you want some Brie?
  Bryden: I don’t know what that is. This is so fun.

- After discussing the details of his car accident and showing his photo album, Bryden talks about living each day to the fullest. Dez responded with, “That’s how I live my life, and I didn’t…I haven't been through what you've been through...” I'd just like to take a moment to point out that what Dez wanted to say here was “That's how I live my life...and I wasn’t even in a near-fatal car accident!”

- I have two thoughts about Mike discussing his diabetes right now: 1) Nick Jonas. Specifically “A Little Bit Longer.” 2) He is discussing diabetes. Not a former life of crime.

- My shoulders were up by my ears by the time Ben went in for a second kiss.

- This klatch of boys is shockingly articulate. Clearly the Bachelorette Gopher has been dispatched to stir up whatever kind of drama it takes for these men to feel the need to repeatedly confront each other. Which almost makes it boring, if you consider that 80% of the entertainment that is in the drama on this show is because it's usually carried out by morons who can't express themselves.

- James tells the guys that Dez is going to “figure it out” about Ben. Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to call to the witness stand, Exhibits A and B: Courtney Roberts and Vienna Girardi.

Dear James,

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
She won't "figure it out."
They never do.

Love, Grace

-  I seriously have no idea to whom these first five roses have gone, in the rose ceremony. Lack of airtime of the men is partly to blame, but mostly it is their lack of personality that causes me to have NO IDEA who these guys are. Did the guy who made the “Reasons I Like You” list get a rose yet? And why didn't we see that “List”?

- Guys who got sent home: the black guy, MyOneTrueLove Robert, and some guy whom I have never seen before.

- By the exit interviews, our TV has gone into epilepsy mode, where it freakishly changes colors and it looks like the men are departing from a haunted house. Literally.

- “Heartbreak is like a pit in your stomach and it doesn't go away…” Have you reached the “heartbreak” level, Guy-Whom I’ve-Never-Seen? Have you?

Everyone Loves a Verbal Faux Pas:
- Brooks Brothers said he was doing “arm pumps” about his date with Dez. FIST PUMPS, Brooksie. James and Mikey will get you up to speed on what these are.

- “Setting the tone off, so right, with this first date..." I will not attempt to correct this sentence construction but rather, like any good teacher does, I will pose a series of questions that will lead Dez to discover the error in her ways: What is setting the tone off, exactly? How does a tone become "set off"? What constitutes a tone being "right"? Those are just a few.

- Our Gracious Host: “I take it as a good sign, that you guys are all taking this serious.” SAY IT AIN’T SO, HARE! USE YOUR ADVERBS!

- And finally, let us talk about the enigma that is: “I got swooped," as originated by the Plumber. After he said this, I released a small cry of protest to which Carolyn responded, "Well I think that's a fair... past participle? Is it a past participle?" At a loss for words, fumbling around in what appeared to be a Grammar Wasteland, I blindly reached for what was familiar, as I sputtered, "Well it's not passive. One does not 'get swooped,' one 'swoops'." Fortunately, dawn broke and light came streaming into this desolate Grammar Wasteland, filling it with sense and reason, when Mikey accused Ben of “swooping in on Dez” THERE we go.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird.

If you swoop, I swoop. 

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