Tuesday, May 28, 2013

If You're a Bird, I'm a Bird...

I’d like to take a moment to offer special thanks to all the people who made tonight’s viewing possible.

It started with a TV that was found on the side of the road.

Then the engineering advice of Josh and Lisel Albee that led to the purchase of antennae for the Roadside Television. This was followed by a generous donation from those two and Mark A. Norman, that resulted in a converter box. Finally, with the help of my Handyman Neighbor Josh, legitimate TV reception was obtained, by moving the stationary door to our balcony, so the antennae could sit outside (since stucco is a poor conductor of electricity.) But seriously. Look:


To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

(Oh, and another quick disclaimer: since this whole thing is ALREADY a commentary and I believe that hashtags are a form of commentary in and of themselves, I will refrain from ending every paragraph with a hashtag, like that one dude did last night, however tempting it may be.)

Ok let’s start with my theory about why Dez is going to be one of the most useless Bachelorettes EVER. I feel entitled to my authority on this opinion because there is not a SINGLE episode that has been aired by ABC’s Bachelor franchise that I have NOT seen. I could have put together last week’s episode of “The Bachelor’s Funniest Moments” in my SLEEP. So here’s the problem: the most boring Bachelorettes are the low-drama women on there, like Jillian or Ali. (As opposed to high drama women, like Emily, Ashley or DeAnna.) The Low Drama Bachelorette is actually ok for ratings because she has the ability to draw in some of the crazies: remember the dude with the foot fetish, on Jillian’s season? Or singing Kasey, on Ali’s season? (And for the record, I could recall those men BEFORE I saw Bachelor’s Best Moments last week) But Dear Old Dez is not ONLY a Low Drama Bachelorette, she is utterly and completely DULL. At least Jillian and Ali were entertaining human beings. There was entertaining commentary.

Dez… Dez, on the other hand…

Let’s talk about her opening quote:
        “Picture the best dream you’ve had. Times that by ten and then live in it. That’s where I am right now.” The ONLY time I will spend on this useless statement is to say that I’ve ALWAYS (literally, since third grade) had a problem with people who think that you TIMES numbers instead of MULTIPLYING them. That is all.

Other memorable moments from the useless opening:
- “My biggest fear is for it to all come crashing down.” And just how do things “come crashing down” on this show, Dez?
- “This is the ultimate risk.” Is it, Dez? Is it the ultimate risk? THE STOCK MARKET IS A BIGGER RISK RIGHT NOW, AND IT’S HIGHER THAN IT’S EVER BEEN.
- Dez saying “I’ve never felt so loved” is going to be the overplayed line this season, like aShLeE’s line about Tiara to Sean, when they were lying on the beach: “Who you get is a completely different girl than the house gets.”
- Why is this Honda Civic happening right now? How many times did they have to shoot this mediocre exit from this mediocre car? If it took Andy Baldwin nineteen times to get out of that space car, I can ONLY imagine the retakes for this car. The car itself is actually so mediocre that it doesn't even achieve the effect that I have to assume they were going for, to demonstrate the difference between her normal car and the Bentley. Clearly no one alerted the ABC summer intern/gopher to the fact that the car that they SHOULD have used is sitting in the Douglas Family Garage in Nashville. Referred to as "The Crusier" (short for The Comfort Crusier) and valued at 99$, there is an '89 Oldsmobile Cutlass  that Big Daddy still drives around the neighborhood once a week to keep the battery going...I put the "It Don't Matter to Jesus" bumper sticker on there when I parked between an Escalade and a BMW in high school. I'm JUST saying.)
- Dez says she wants to "give this show an opportunity." How generous of her.
- “I haven’t had the most extravagant life” Well you certainly haven't had the most extravagant haircuts either, sweetie, according to that childhood picture they're showing right now. I've been there. I feel you. This happened:

- Ugh. I miss Sean already.
- Ohhhh I forgot how Dez basically begged Sean to keep her. That was rough. Oh she is CRYING about it right now. Dez, you need to spend some more time with the ABC shrink.
- Honey, it is never a fairytale if cameras are following you around.
- Please stop rollerblading. Whose idea was this? See what I mean: she is THAT boring, that we have to get this kind of footage right now. I don’t understand.
- “I’m hoping there’s a man who can control all this love” …as she chases seagulls down the beach. Ohhhh Ephesians 5, here we come. If you're a bird, I'm a bird.

*Brief interjection: There was some kind of Clorox commercial that is supposed to peddle the Bachelorette that is happening right now. I’m pretty sure that the person who came up with this concept was the same person who came up with the whole car thing at the beginning of the episode. It JUST wasn't fully executed.
*Let's take another breif moment to give thanks for a game I like to call Deep Questions With Chris Harrison: “How ready are you though, really?”  READY, HARE. WE ARE SO READY.

- “At the end of this, I could be designing my own wedding dress.” Well we all certainly remember that Dez is a bridal stylist because WHO COULD FORGET HER TOSSING THE BOUQUET INTO THE CHANDELIER that one time.
- Ohhh she’s crying again. Here we go.
- Has Hare written a book about how to smoothly transition from camera to camera? Cause he has MASTERED that skill.

Thoughts on the guys: 
(Note: the period instead of colon after each of their names is intentional. It's like I need a moment to absorb their existence on its own, before beginning my commentary...) 

- Bryden. Bryden reminds me of Ben Affleck. And he should know that you can put a pink handkerchief on that dog, but you can’t make a German Shepherd look girly, Bryden.

- Will. Who says, “A lot of black guys don’t do Bikram yoga.” But I wonder: is he being filmed in a Bikram yoga class? Cause it looks like the Intern Gopher (aka PA to the PA) didn't get the rights to film in the Bikram studio and so they turned and impromptu dance studio into a "sauna" by throwing water on Will and making him pose. Also, whatever exclamations he gesticulated at the end of his intro gave us a glimpse of those pit stains. I salute you, William.

- Drew. Let me do crunches with you. Tell me your ab regimen. Ok stop stewing and brooding over those photos, now. We get it. NOWW.

- Nick R. Well I’m glad it’s not “Big R,” cause that’s what I thought he said his name was, at first. OMG HE’S GOB BLUTH. THIS IS GREAT. TELL ME HE HAS A SEGUE. “I can definitely see Dez being a magician's assistant." He better make a yacht disappear tonight.

- Zac. So full of yuk yuk jokes right now. (Lest anyone be confused about the definition of a yuk yuk joke, it is a joke after which one makes the "yuk yuk" noise, as they chortle to themselves. Sean's Dad pulling a fried armadillo out of the oven on Emily's hometown date with him constitutes a yuk yuk joke.) Did Zac just jump into a lake in loafers and black socks? Oh great: hey Dez, come live in an isolated house with me.  I walk around naked all the time.

- Robert. MARRY ME. I’m also impressed with his sign-spinning tricks. OHHH HIS DOG HAS ONE EYE. There it is.

- What is it with high fives on this season?

- Mike, I have a serious problem with you introducing yourself to America while your hands are cradling the face of a 14 year old girl. Mike thinks he’s a Renaissance man. His whole family is British but he “lost his accent.” I smell a rat.

- Grant. Ohhh Grant has some family baggage. So much family history of addiction happening on this season. “As a kid you just wanna be loved.” Surely that can't be the only thing he learned at Family Week...

I can't decide if it's more entertaining to watch nervous girls or nervous guys. Cause girls tend to do some wildly inexplicable things when they're nervous. But guys are so much worse at even attempting to mask their trepidation. Like Drew.
- Drew started holding his arms up for the hug as soon as he stepped out of the limo. Which is a long time to hold your arms up before you meet someone for the first time. And I'm pretty sure he just stared at her chest and kept looking her up and down, the whole time they were talking. EYES UP, DREW.

- At least Brooks caught his “classic mistake” of not mentioning his name at first. But then he kept talking about it. And they’re playing the awkward music under this moment. And I'm really concerned that Brooks Brothers hasn't showered in what looks like a month.

- Whoa Brad. Brad with the wishbone. I’m impressed. (When he talked about the fountain wish, my shoulders started to tense up. But giving a nod to that moment and making a new one of his own? The matchmakers on my other favorite show, "Ready for Love" would be ALL over this.)

- My shoulders are scrunched up to my ears by the end of Bryden's intro

- Michael please don’t have an- NO. no, don’t have an idea right now. Don’t. Please do not. DON’T GET IN THE FOUNTAIN. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. WHY DIDN'T HE HAVE A BACKUP PENNY IN HIS HAND TO JUST PRETEND LIKE HE FOUND IT!? Heaven knows that fountain runs dry when BachelorNation isn't filming there. Don't you try and hug her now: your jacket sleeve is soaked.

- Dear Kasey, if you have to adjust your pants when you step out of the limo, THEY’RE TOO TIGHT. No don’t do the- STOP. DON’T DO HASHTAGS. STOP THIS.

- Bikram Will was so awkward. But I’m not upset about an Athena reference. When he told her that she had to come up with an appropriate Greek Reference for him, am equally cheesy and quick quip would have been, "Well clearly you're an Adonis," but we all know that Quick Quips aren't something with which Dez is overflowing...

- Mikey. Oh Mikey wanted Dez to know that he was sympathetic about her crazy brother. Which really just makes Mikey cray cray.

- Jonathan. Don’t tell me you brought her something. Stop. STOP. STOP IT. Ohhhh a Fantasy Suite card. What to do with this one? I can't even decide how I feel about the fact that he wrote “you may elect to forgo your individual rooms…” His use of "you may elect" is interesting and appropriate. I want to give him points for this. However, I feel like points should be deducted because this phrase has NEVER appeared ANYWHERE on a fantasy suite card. OH JONO JUST GOT SHUT. DOWN. BY DEZ. His subsequent lack of social cue pickup depletes him of any potential points.

- When he stepped out of the limo shirtless, Dez asked Zac if “he forgot something.” Kind of quick on your feet right now, Dez. As he walked away, she said, “Daaamn – NO I’M JUST KIDDING.” Ohhhh Dez. You just ruined it.

- Well look at that, Ronnie from Jersey Shore is here. He wastes NO time in getting really intense with his assertion that “loyalty is love.” I think he said it sixteen times.

- If I spend anymore than a sentence talking about Larry and that dance move gone wrong, my shoulders will French braid themselves around my head...

- Nick – OH GOB BLUTH IS LIGHTING THAT THING ON FIRE RIGHT NOW. I guess it's commendable that it actually ignited, instead of triggering the release of a dead dove from his jacket sleeve.

- Zak is wearing an ensemble that isn't quite "an outfit with a bowtie," but not necessarily a tuxedo. I'm confused.

- Ohhhh here comes the knight. Great. Diogo. You need to leave. Leave now. And there wasn't even a joke to go along with the armor, he’s just WEARING it. One of the guys proceeded to call him "Sir Crazylot." Not too off-base. And Fantasy Suite Guy called him... wait for it, "a shining knight in armor." This will further be addressed in the Verbal Faux Pas Section.

- Michael G... likes men.

- Ohhh I'm liking Chris. Wait. He’s getting down on one knee. Wait. He wants to tie his shoe. He’s full of puns and… and I don’t hate it. 

- Mike… You are not McDreamy. Don't.

- Ugh Robert. You are my soulmate.

- Juan Pablo, she is not getting your linguistic lesson right now. Hope there’s nothing in that candy that she’s allergic to- OH GEEZ HERE COMES A MOTORCYCLE.

- She asks Motorcycle Brandon, “Are you gonna take me for a ride?” I don’t know; is he, Dez?

- Brian. So vanilla.

- Micah. I can't even see what Micah's hand-crafted suit looks like because our TV has sadly gone into Epilepsy Mode, where green becomes the primary color onscreen, but I won't lament this loss.

- Nick “I wanted to do something a little different.” IT’S NOT DIFFERENT. IT’S A POEM?! THAT’S DIFFERENT? Oh look at that: Dez “loves poetry.”


- Dan – Beverage Sales Director. What does that even mean?

- Oh no. Noooooo. A kid. Why is there a kid. THIS MAN BROUGHT HIS SON?! Stop. He tells Dez,“I wanted you to know exactly who I’m talking about when I talk about him.” This was possibly the BEST recovery up with which he could have conjured. (I wasn't going to end that sentence with a preposition. I just wasn't.)

Miscellaneous thoughts on the cocktail party: 
- "Hashtag: I want a rose.” STOP.

- I need the matchmakers from Ready for Love to be here right now and tell Ben that he needs to make it about HIM and not his son. He then gets into the mother of his child by saying, “It’s more that two friends having a kid together. And we’re best friends.” MAY DAY.

- I will not dignify the pool charade with commentary. DEZ IS LITERALLY SO VANILLA THAT SHE THINKS IT’S OK TO GIVE THIS GUY A ROSE ABOUT IT.

- Bryden described his dog as “one of my best friends.” Just one of the guys. Except it's my dog.

- Well of course Michael is stoked for it to be “Bachelor eats Bachelor.”

- Ok Drew is turning more and more into a woman by the minute.

- Larry is upset about his dance move. He has clearly been handed glass after glass of champagne by the ABC shrink. He is giving me “glasses on/ glasses off” circa Kitty from Arrested Development. Hammered. He has his wits about him enough to remark that he's glad Fantasy Suite Guy is here, so he's not completely in last place... Hammered.

- Fantasy Suite. Also hammered right now. One-legged push ups. Happening. Brimming with romance (and booze) he claims,“And then I’m gonna try and kiss Desiree on the mouth" and says that his bringing her to the Fantasy Suite is to show that he "has no filter." I'm still not sure what that means. He reminds himself of the ultimate affirmation: “My Mom says I’m good-looking.” And now he’s talking about a Love Tank, and weighing his options of “sitting it out” or “being greedy.” Oh great. What’s this "other side of himself"? I can’t wait. 

...And now he's leaving. And he’s definitely leaving without his blazer. 

Dez told the camera, “I’m not that kind of girl and I don’t want to go to a dark room with him.” She clearly has NO interest in photography.

- This rose dispensing throughout the evening is giving me Max Lucado’s “You are Special,” with the star and dot stickers.

I am SO bored by these guys that I will list who LEFT, not who stayed:

- Diogo “shining knight in armor,” Diogo really doesn’t seem to have a mastery of the English language. He has an explosion of love and feelings within him. But he is at a loss, at being sent home.

- Nick, the Tailor Magician. (Or the Magician Tailor?) Ok wait in his exit interview he turned into a real person. Why didn't he try any of this at the top of the night?

- Mike, the creepy dentist

- Micah, the guy who made his own suit. YIKES.

- Larry, Poorly-Timed Dance Move Guy. He definitely suffered from a first impression gone wrong. Might be the first contestant EVER, to admit that it’s straight up embarrassing to be sent home on the first night.

- And Jonathan, our Fantasy Suite guy.

Final question, after watching the previews for the rest of the season: ARE PEOPLE DYING THIS SEASON? Why is she crying so hard every five seconds?

Last but not least, the section devoted to 
Aside from Fantasy Suite calling Diogo a "shining knight in armor," Dez had a few mix-ups with adverbs and prepositions last night. She told the guys "that it meant a lot for me for you to be open…” Did it mean a lot for you or to you, Dez? She commented that her conversation with Bryden just "comes off so natural.” Well I'm sure the conversation was natural, Dezzie, but the way it came off would be naturally. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird. 

(And as always: shoutout to my recap idol, Lincee Ray)

1 comment:

  1. Love this. And love that Ephesians was quoted along with the Bachelorette commentary. Hilarious.