Tuesday, July 23, 2013

...Can We Just Stay at a Marriott, Next Time?

       So this post is delayed, but it's actually awesome, cause I could take screen shots, since I watched online. 

         HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED: In no way whatsoever did the men of this season “tell all” in this episode, the only maybe juicy detail that surfaced was that Dan (a guy whom no one remembers) told Ben that he was approached by his Baby Mama in Vegas, who disclosed that Ben was not a man of the noblest character. And next week, surprise:

          It’s gonna be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever! And Hare has said that before, but THIS TIME HE REALLY MEANS IT.

Straight from the horse’s mouth, people.

        Ahem, to whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

-        Well Dez has CERTAINLY been logging in some hours working with the Bachelorette personal trainer- looks like GIRL HAS BEEN DOING SOME SQUATS AND LUNGES.

- Loved Hare’s smile after he said the words “right reasons.” Yuk yuk yuk.*

- …The Mesnicks… And the baby…

- I am LOVING this grandma in the front row…

- There are SO many hair extensions happening right now, between these former bachelorettes

- Ohhhh Ali just called The Wrestler “Rated R.” Are we really going to dignify his existence by using his stage name?

- The knight… going through the metal detector…

- James and Ben are watching Zak, right now, wishing that they could be in his shoes. Wishing so badly that they'd played their cards more shrewdly…

- I mean, sure, Jonathan shouldn’t have done the fantasy suite. But he was also hammered. And his embarrassed reaction right now is so appropriate. Wait he’s apologizing right now. Waaaait I’m loving Jonathan right now...

- Barrister Michael definitely just attempted to feel up Juan Pablo, to see if he had the Lone Ranger star on him…

- I still think Robert was the best-looking one in the bunch. Robert. Maybe I’ll make him a street sign about it.


Way to plant, Ann.

- I will NEVER tire of this man pow wow, between Drew, Kasey, Michael G and Brooks, in the hotel room in Germany. Poor Brooksie is just being dragged along for the ride, but his facial expressions are too good.

- I love how Chris is trying to shush everyone, during this meltdown of James’.

- Kasey’s clothes are so tight. They are SO tight. If my memory serves me correctly, his clothes were also unusually #tight for the #premiere.

- Mikey might not remember what was said four months ago, BUT KASEY #DOES.

- If they DON’T stop showing Dez talking in this stupid attempt at an accent, I WILL throw up.

- I think “salsa is easy” for everyone… but Dez.

- Hare, Juan Pablo is not a Don Juan. Neither metaphorically nor literally. Stop trying to vet him on national television, he can be the next Bachelor. Enough, already.

- I think Zak might be wearing the same suit and shirt at the MTA that he was on the night that he left. Clearly he’s having trouble accepting these abs rejection.

- I was already sold on Zak as the next Bachelor. But when he showed what it’s like to be a 31 year old guy roaming around, trolling for ladies, I became COMPLETELY SOLD.

- And then THIS happened:

Anyone else feeling a little awkward? Even solely about the fact that Hare happened to have a light on him, that was capable of reading said invisible ink? OR THE FACT THAT HE HAD THE JOURNAL IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

- Hare and I actually had the same facial expression, after the invisible note was read:
Not bad at all... 

- Wait… You guys… I’m in LOVE with Jonathan.

- Dez’s remark about Zak hiding behind his smile, and ultimately what kind of partner he would make for her if he was constantly trying to stay positive all the time… was strangely insightful.


Questions I have:
- Is she really wearing two button-downs, on top of each other right now, to crash these BachelorNation parties? Was Bachelorette Intern Jacob put in charge of wardrobe that night?

- And how is it that Dez and Hare could have staged a surprise from the window WHEN THE GLEAMING LIGHT OF THE CAMERA WAS BEHIND THEM?!


- Is Ali’s hair… gray? Is she a silver fox, right now? Is she?

- Why is Mikey not wearing socks? Did the knight take them, to avoid chafing?

- Is it too much to ask that Hare STOP saying the word “bad boys?” (Update: apparently, based on Dez’s use of “Whatchu gonna do” and subsequent chuckle, it IS too much to ask…)


- Did Mikey and James go out on that boat (the one that Vocabulary Drew told us would have illegal activities) to get their story straight?

- I just… who’s this guy? I want to know. 

And now that I examine the picture more closely, in the row behind him, the woman in pink (NOT the Diane Lane look-alike who they cut away to 95 different times, to show her dropped jaw) but the woman directly behind him… Is she wearing a duster? Remember those long-ass sweater things from like, twelve years ago?

- What IS IT with this continual mention of these TALL women that Mikey and James were going to meet??! Has anyone else noticed that Kasey has continued to mention the height of these "Plan B" (really wealthy and really long-legged) women??

- Why is Who-aan Pablo wearing a coat and scarf for this question and answer session, in the Mr. America Competition?

- Ok did I actually fall asleep during the premiere, or did we NEVER see this clip of Who-aan Pablo telling Dez about his daughter? ‘Cause the Mr. America Comp was the first memory I have of hearing about her…

- "How about we stay at a Mariott next time?" Yuk yuk yuk.* Steamed armadillos all around.

- Is the finale going to be a two-parter, Hare? Is it?! I CAN’T HEAR YOUUUU.

- Wait, did we hear the part about the light and invisible ink, when Zak gave her the antique journal? Have I seriously been asleep through this whole season?

- And why is it, exactly, that Kasey and Chris were just chillin’ in this hot tub, in a random hotel room, during the blooper reel? Anyone? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not #upset about it, but one has to #wonder…

- Is there some kind of legal obligation, keeping these men from saying, “I’m so sorry, I was completely wasted, I didn’t mean to do that…” ? Cause my boy Jonathan could use that one, right about now. Whatever. Jono, call me. 

Memorable Quotes:

- “It’s great to know that they’re so comfortable with me and that they feel like they already know me…” NO, DEZ, it’s a sad commentary on the myth of reality television. Didn’t your parents teach you that one, when you were living in a teepee?

- Ashley: they’re welcoming us with open arms.
   JP: And open bars.
   Grace: Has JP always been this funny?

- Emily: “How was Hollywood, Ben? Did you get your… drinks?!” Well I dunno, Emily. Did he?

- Juan Pablo: “I guess I got some friends and some not that… friends.”

- Barrister Michael said the word “drama,” which gave Hare a segue to cue the “Drama Reel,” and the passion with which he executed this move was as though he were a magician, huddled down in a closet, waiting for someone to say “WONDER”

- Drew: “Dez is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” Cut it with the hyperboles, already.

- Hare, for the win: “We gave Brian the chance to be here, and he chose not to. So we’re gonna... choose to talk about him.”

- “I hope not one of these guys is the same around a girl as they are around their friends. I mean, you shouldn’t be. It’s a GIRL.” Ohhh Ben, you took it just a liiiiitle too far, right then.

- Mike pointed out to Ben, “I think that you have this idea of The Bachelorette, where it’s Ben and Dez date for six weeks and then get married.”
       Ben: “what’s wrong with that?” Oh Ben. Your roots are showing. Long live Dixie.

- Chris just asked James to tell him exactly what was said to Mikey in the car that night.
Anyone remember that incredible interrogation scene from season 2, where Carrie got Nick to confess what he knew? 

- “Somebody’s gonna have to be the next Bachelor.” James is clearly ready to take one for the team.

- James whined, “My integrity was stripped. My character was stripped from me.” I could be wrong, but aren’t those two attributes like, the two big ones that the dying parent references, in those semi-feel-good movies? You know the scene: the parent is dying, and the oldest kid (that has to now take over the family) comes in to say goodbye to them, and Dear Old Dying Dad says something like, “The Union can take the farm, son. They can take our land. BUT THEY CAN’T TAKE AWAY YOUR INTEGRITY…(*breathes his last. Son sobs*)

…No? Did I take it too far, just then? It was the “Union” reference, wasn’t it?
Pshh. Yankees. 

- “In the history of this show, we’ve never had a contestant be a bigger fan favorite, with less screen time than this guy. Welcome with me: Juan Pablo.”
OK LISTEN. Don’t get me wrong, Who-aan Pablo seems cool. Neat… Nice.
But I’m 95% sure that if you took away the soccer stardom and the accent, he wouldn’t be such a “fan-favorite.” And about that, I have to say: soccer stardom and an accent just… aren’t that… interesting, in my book. For instance, Jillian Harris was a favorite (let’s be real: she’s my favorite Bachelorette of all time, ever) because she was hilarious and could judge people based on what kind of toppings they liked on their hot dogs. See where I’m going, here? Soccer stardom and hot dog toppings judgments just aren’t in the same league, Hare. Ohhhhh they’re setting WP up to be the next Bachelor. We’ve had one from London and now we’re gonna get one from Venezuela.

- Zak: “I love Juan Pablo. He has a daughter, though.” So there's a little judgment from Zachery, no?

- “Let’s talk about your love affair with Dez…” Was it a love affair, Hare? Cause not only does that word’s affiliation belong on the Alyssa Milano show that airs AFTER The Bachelorette, but according to the OED, the primary use of “affair” is for a “task.” (And yes, you read that correctly: I don’t mess around with dictionary.com, I have a guy who gets me a thing, through the University of Memphis, so I can use the Oxford English Dictionary for free. And by “guy,” I mean “my brother.” So in case you were wondering: “affair” is of Anglo-Norman and Middle French origin.)

- Hare: Are you still in love with Dez?
   Zak: Yeah, it won’t go away. Whoa, my heart actually skipped a beat on that one, Zachery. They say love don't come easy... But not to worry: record deals and number one hits in Mexico do. 

- Obvious Obsessions with Hare: “You know Dez is here tonight. You know she’s going to come out here in just a second.” Is the finale going to be a two-parter, Hare?

- “I hate porta potties…” Well geez, Dez, have you ever met anyone who LOVES them?

- “I want someone who I can give my heart to, and know that they will never wanna break it…” Dear Dez, if THAT’S your biggest concern at this point in the game, I think we got probz.

- “I’m truly, madly, deeply in love with Dez.” Do you wanna bathe with her in the sea too, Chris? Live like this forever, until the sky falls down on you? Do you?!

The verbal faux pas in this episode were pretty intense, but emotions were running high, what did we expect? Literacy?
- About the BachelorNation fans, Hare asserted, “They’re vested in Dez’s life.” Not only did he mean to say invested, but there’s no way to misuse this word and get away with it. They can have a vested interest in her life, but they are not VESTED, Hare. (Unless he meant to say they all wear vests. In which case, I stand corrected.)

- “Ashley and JP were like, America’s Sweetest Couple.” Oh Dez. You meant to say “America’s sweethearts.” Which is actually incorrect, as well. Because Ashley and JP weren’t. JOHN CUSACK AND CATHERINE ZETA-JONES WERE. Didn’t you see that movie?

- In an attempt to be Carrie Mathison, Hare recounted the facts of the fateful car ride where James became known as our next Bachelor Hopeful, which consisted of: “There was four guys in the van.” Was there, Chris? WAS THERE FOUR GUYS?!

- And finally, James: “I can’t remember every little thing that have happened.”

…Is that what you had said?

If you're a bird, I'm a bird,

*Lest anyone be confused about the definition of a yuk yuk joke, it is a joke after which one makes the "yuk yuk" noise, as they chortle to themselves. Sean's Dad pulling a fried armadillo out of the oven on Emily's hometown date with him constitutes a "yuk yuk joke."

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