Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Mommy Dearest...

       I just need to take a quick second to talk about the ONLY date I've ever brought to my hometown.
       It was this guy:


Let me be clear: I wouldn't wish a hometown date with my family on the faint of heart. But as Robin Hood says, "A FAINT HEART NEVER WON FAIR LADY."

Danny not only put up with Mimi (he totally won her over, snuggie and all - NOT an easy feat)

He took it in stride when Big Daddy thought it was appropriate to wear denim on denim:

He was even appropriately enthused about his place card at the dinner table:

Needless to say: he's a champ. We had a great time.


Here’s what happened: There were four hometown dates. The families were equally eccentric, across the board. Everyone told Dez “I love you” except for Brooks, who, unless ABC is completely misleading us on purpose, is a serious front runner for Dez. And by “front runner,” I mean SHE’S-SAID-SHE-LOVES-HIM. Zak gave her a ... something ring. She sent him home. He threw the ring out the window.

        Ahem, to whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

        In the promo about the brother, Nathan, we hear him say,“I think Dez is worried about me because of last time with Sean…” What, WHEN YOU ACCUSED THE MOST INCREDIBLE MAN ON NATIONAL TELEVISION OF BEING A “PLAYER”?!
        You know those producers were pulling for the brother to make an appearance. Take your player accusations and SIT DOWN, NATHAN.

1) Hometown Date: Zak
- The rate at which Zak is making up this ridiculous dream that he had, in order to preface the fact that he and Dez are going to drive the family SnowConeMobile, is giving me that scene from The Proposal, where Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock have to make up the story of his proposal. I’m surprised this dream sequence didn’t include decoupage, actually.

- So glad Zak cleared that fence, when he ran to go fetch the PenguinMobile, just now…

- Based on the level of utter exhaustion that I have reached merely listening to Dez TALK ABOUT how she and Zak love to carpe diem, I cannot imagine how draining it must be to actually spend five seconds with the two of them, while they’re carpe-ing the diem.

- Oh look: we’re doing the same thing with Zak’s family that we did with Lindsay Yenter’s family, where we talk about how it’s NOTHING SHORT OF A MIRACLE that he could made it to hometowns after what the pulled at the premiere…

- Ok listen. Zak’s brother and sister have great voices. And I don’t think I’ve EVER said that about anything I’ve seen on reality TV. BUUUUUUUT no one- no one should be made to sit in front of another person while they’re singing, three feet away from you. It’s just criminal. Make it stoooop.

Questions I Have:
- Why is he drawing right now, while he waits for her to arrive? Whyyy? Didn’t we learn this lesson earlier in the season?!

- Why is his hometown a normal-looking city in Texas? Why aren’t we in that nudist cabin of his, in the middle of nowhere? (Seriously, don’t you remember that excerpt from the premiere: Zak in the buff, on his deck?)

- Why did he pitch this whole snow cone thing to her as a dream? Why didn’t he just say “this is what we’re doing today”? Theory: the producers have totally checked out, leaving Bachelorette Intern Jacob to his own devices. Desperate to come up with a segue for the penguin suit and High Fructose Corn Syrup Van, Jake conjured up THIS bright idea. I hope Joel McHale still does that “Nice Segue” section on The Soup. This should headline that part of the show.

Memorable Quotes:
- May we talk about the mock enthusiasm in Dez’s voice on “it’s a penguinnnnn,” when Zak rolled up in the Puffin outfit? I cannot accept your abs right now, Zachery.

- Dez remarked: “I can see us living this awesome life of goofiness and fun…” and driving a snow cone truck together for the rest of our lives…

- In order to avoid the interrogation of Zak’s sister about whether or not she was really in love with Zak, Dez chose an elusive, “I want the best for Zak so I’m just following my heart…” WHAT AN EVASION.

- “Dez is the woman I’ve been waiting for. I see a future with her.” Maaaaydaaaay.
Oh no. Not the ring. Nooooooo.

2) Hometown Date: Drew

- Dez tells Drew that he looks adorable. IT’S BECAUSE HE’S A WOMAN, DEZ.

- I just want the record to show: if I had to take a Bachelor home to Casa Douglas, I would totally make him one of those cheat sheets like Hallie and Annie made for each other in The Parent Trap. CAN I GET AN AMEN, ETHAN SAMUEL?!

Surprise inspection! First up: Navajo!

- Kudos to Drew’s parents, for being so civil. Anyone remember when Melissa’s parents wouldn’t meet Jason? Or Jef’s parents didn’t show up?

- Dez wants to stay at Drew’s house. Grace wants to stay at Zak’s house.

Questions I have:
- He’s Dad’s name is ‘Mal’? Oh wow. The brother’s name is Mal, too.

- What constitutes ‘a hard question’? I just need to know.

- Why the gel, Drew?? Whyyyy?

- My interest was piqued when I saw all the wine bottles on the table (Drew’s story about the dad and the car and the garage, anyone?) but did anyone else notice that his dad was toasting with a wine glass full of water? #classact

Memorable Quotes:
About his sister, Drew told Dez, "She’s got a lot to say." In a matter of words that shouldn't be shocking in how vague it was, she asked, "Do you know, though…?" Drew clarified, "Like, what she’s getting at?" Then in an anti-climax, blurted, "NO."

- “You can usually tell what kind of mood she’s in…” Oh. Funny, that: my brother says the same thing about me.

- “How does she make you feel? I mean I can tell by looking at you, but I want your words.” DREW’S GOTTA SMART MAMA.

- “The next time I see my family, I will be an engaged man…” WHOA, DREW. WHOA.

3) Hometown Date: Chris
- May I just say how stoked I would be, if a boyfriend wanted me to a) see a chiropractor b) mentioned that his father was a chiropractor?

- I’m liking the whole sit-on-a-bucket-and-toss-balls to be hit by the batter thing they’ve got going on….


- Again, I’m finding myself… bored, with these two. Because they’re so… normal. I think Chris just might be my top pick for her.

- Dez is shockingly articulate, as she tells Dez’ mom what she likes about Chris.

- WOW, this Mama seems hard to please.

- Mama is worried about when Chris has to “jump back into reality” and I will say that if there’s anyone to jump back into reality with and experience a relatively smooth ride, my money would be on Dez.

Questions I have:

- May we talk about how there’s one member of Chris’ family who definitely looks like she’s living in 1987? Big hair, lavender eye shadow… I find myself wanting to know more about her.

Memorable Quotes:
- “This will help you in the next few weeks… well, hopefully the next few weeks!” Well thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad!

- “There’s no way that these feelings are being expressed with anyone else. It’s just too real.” Yikes. FAMOUS LAST WORDS.

4) Hometown Date: Brooks


- The nametags. This is awesome.

- The men in Brooks’ life are hitting him with some intense questions. Ok, ok, I now understand what “hard questions” are.

- Alright I’ve had enough. these guys’ obsessions with their mothers is JUST too much

- Brooks’ mom definitely said the words “you’re my favorite” to him. WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

- When Brooks’ mom finally gave her approval, he kind of took a moment, as though this was seriously the ONLY verdict on which he’d been waiting. YOU ARE TWENTY-EIGHT, BROOKS. Spread your wings, Butterfly…

Questions I have:
- Brooks points out the cute little ducks that are on a date, just like he and Dez. Does he KNOW what happens when ducks procreate? Because if so, and he still chose to make that comparison, I’d run in the opposite direction…

- May we talk about how Dez adamantly filled in “THRESHOLD” for Brooks? WEDDINGS ARE DEZ’S LIFE. If you need a wedding term, this girl’s got it.

- Is it just me, or is an overweight Jimmy Kimmel sitting at that dinner table?

Memorable Quotes:
- “I love Brooks…” WHAT?! Isn’t she like, legally obligated to NOT say that? 

- Ma Brooks tells Dez, “We need to go and speak to each other, ok?” Kind of formal. But a helluva lot better than “can I just steal you away for a second?” 

- Chubby Kimmel asks the important question: “CAN SHE HANG WITH YOU?!” I appreciate your intensity, Chubby-Kimmel-Clone. 

- CKC also finishes out the date with a grand gesture to Dez: “Thanks for not being such a huge waste of time!” Good one, Chubby, good one.

Rose Ceremony:

- This is seriously the strangest brother/sister relationship I’ve ever seen.
- Dez's conversation with Hare is so… candid, yet so… distant. How bizarre. I don’t even know what to make of it…
- I can ONLY hope that Zak threw the ring out the window at an intersection where our boy Jacob could jump out and grab it, and give to his girl Friday, in ten years. (Or, at the rate this episode was going, GIVE IT TO HIS MOTHER)

Questions I have:
- …Has the brother ever had a girlfriend? Can we bring him in as The Bachelor? 

- HOW ABOUT A COCKTAIL PARTY, THIS WEEK?! Seriously, can you imagine if they did a cocktail party on the week of the hometown dates? There’d be so many emotional breakdowns…

Memorable Quotes:
- “You were mad for a little while. You’re mad now.” Even though all signs point to TOTALLY CERTIFIABLE, the brother seems shockingly perceptive right now. 

- “Drew is the sweetest person you’ll ever meet in your life.” I gave myself ten seconds to come up with people* who fit the bill of “sweetest person you’ll ever meet in your life.”

...Any of these people look like Drew??

- Dez is practically fighting a yawn as she tells Hare, “yeah Drew told me he loved me…”

- “I could break someone’s heart, potentially…” POTENTIALLY, DEZ?!?! Do you remember this time last season?

Verbal Faux Pas:
Vocabulary Drew had quite a few this week. What a disappointment… 

- “I’m going to throw Dez in the deep end. And see if she can swim with this family…” Didn't anyone ever tell Drew that the only way to use this phrase colloquially is to discuss someone's sanity, in relation to "the deep end"? No? 

- “Imagine somebody who doesn’t have the capability of letting you know how they’re feeling.” May we talk about pronouns, Andrew? 

- “I figured you were dead center… a perfect match for that.” Dead ringer, Dad! Dead RINGER! 

- “All I’m feeling are the breaks and the crinks…” I can’t even dignify this with any semblance of editing… 

- “I was wondering if I could make this step…” Since when do you make steps, Brooks? Is that a Salt Lake thing?

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…

*If you're not one of the six people pictured above, don't you dare fret. 1) I only had ten seconds. 2) If you're indignantly feeling excluded, I salute you: I'd feel the same. But I'm certainly not "the sweetest person" ANYONE "will ever meet" in their life (or if I am, then there's obviously a problem) 3) If you feel like you belonged with those six, you're not pictured because I have another superlative for you that is far more fitting, I assure you. Just ask me. I dare you. 

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