Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Hello, Sister Wives...

Real talk: the following speech is meant to be delivered in the tone of President Bill Pullman in "Independence Day."

Bonus points if you remembered that
Mae Whitman is in this movie... 

Or Coach Eric Taylor in pretty much any halftime speech in "Friday Night Lights." 
Since you asked... 

Or that one line that Jeff Bridges says in "Seabiscuit," that's the only thing I remember from the trailer: "And you either pack up and go home, or you keep fighting!"

Never even saw this movie... 

Y'ALL. We are at a critical moment in Bachelornation. Time to separate the men from the boys and the tools from the toys, here. What I'm trying to say is that we are at a point in the season where people are going to start jumping ship. Years from now, when we discuss this season, we're all going to hear, "Yeah I started that season, but it was SUCH a MESS that I just gave up..."

See: Lorenzo Borghese, Brad Womack season 1, Dez. Heck: MATT GRANT... you get the picture.

But really: we are in the TRENCHES. It's time to buckle down and FIGHT. I'm talking: you pursue the end of this season like Jillian pursued that squealing pig, last night - TAKE NO PRISONERS.

This show is a MESS. The cast is a MESS. Fortunately, as seen per the footage from the "wedding crashing," the crew is NOT a mess... (Unless Whitney is the one he chooses in the end and they did ADR for the ENTIRE thing... ) AT LEAST THE MICS WERE ON, LAST NIGHT. But BOY are these ladies hot, hot, crazy MESS.

So much of a mess that they had to bring in Jimmy Kimmel. Either that, or the same intern who got the tractors last week (her last name is Deere) is also a friend of the Kimmel family, and brought in ole Jimmy to impress everyone's favorite (former) intern, Jacob. Regardless, I'm SO glad Kimmel will be here for this "amazing journey together." 

Here's what happened: Prince Farming went on a one-on-one date with Miley Kaitlyn to Costco, she got a rose. Group date with... let's see if I can do this: Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, McKenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly. Becca got the Chastity rose. One-on-one date with Whitney, where they crashed a wedding. Disastrous pool party instead of a cocktail party. Trina, Amber aaaand two other girls that I don't even remember got sent home. 

In order to maintain SOME semblance of order in this hott mess, I'm resorting back to an older format, where my thoughts are pretty neatly laid out. Almost as neatly laid out, one might say, as the BODIES OF THE WOMEN ON THIS SEASON. 

Perr uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)


 - Ah, please recall with me Kacie B, of Ben Flajnik (oh, and Sean Lowe’s) season, who “just wanted it to be over. Me and Ben, going to the grocery store. Totally normal.” I am ALL ABOUT THIS Costco date. I think it would have been remarkably boring with a Whitney or a Becca, but Miley Kaitlyn made it happen... 

- As we watch Miley roll around in that inflatable orb, I can't help but muse: I have no idea what direction the Bachelor Brand is going this season, but I am NOT upset about ANY of it… The small Mexican children that push the orb with BOTH Farming and Miley inside of it. Did the head of Bachelor Branding change? Again, not mad. Just curious. 

- Miley tells Kimmel how she’s dated “legit farmers” before… but when she goes onto talk about how they "actually milk cows," we realize what she means: she’s dated POOR farmers…

- Probably my favorite moment of the night was when Farming was about to give Miley the rose and Kimmel stopped him, mid-sentence and told him to start over. I think I want Jimmy Kimmel to be my acting teacher... 

- At the Farmville Obstacle Course of Love, I find myself vaguely concerned about the level of accessories that the women are wearing, as they get ready to start the race... 

- So Farming basically became a Kissing Slut (Slutty Kisser?) towards the end of the night of Farmville... I will give Carly some points for the classy, feminine, coy way that she went in for the kill... However, Amber and this dancing business? 

From the game she was spittin' in my ear, you'd think she'd know me... 

- Honestly I can't even remark on Baby Mac's conversation about how he's kissing other girls. In case ANYONE missed the memo: SHE IS TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD. There is a college junior talking to a thirty three year old farmer, right now - does THAT give you some perspective? 

- I've decided: Becca could VERY well be the dark horse of this season – CAN I GET A WITNESS, CATHERINE GIUDICI?! Yaaaaaas she got that group date rose. Chastity, y'all. 

- I keep trying to like Whitney... And then she CRIES at getting a date card. Disapproval has officially been stamped. I'm sure I will expound upon this later... but I think my aversion to Whitney might be the same kind of aversion I had to Dez. I'm pretty sure she reminds me of every girl I NEVER liked in school. Admittedly, it's because she is, in a sense, everything I am not: polite, demure, put-together, in-control... NEED I GO ON? And we may also get together right now and admit that she SLAYED that date. (Slew?) Regardless. She killed it. Doesn't mean I like her. 

- At the pool party, Jade slyly asks Farming for a tour of his place... After some shots of Jillian's blacked-out derriere. we suddenly see Farming and Jade... on his bed. They've made some RIDICULOUSLY TERRIBLE excuse to get there, and now I'm struck by Jade's heels and her swimsuit on the bed… It's a lot. I go back and forth between really liking her and really not. Kind of like this music that’s happening, as we cut back and forth between them making out and then Jillian in the hot tub… again with her blacked-out derriere.

- Crying Ashley I. (Virginal Kim Kardashian) As of right now. maybe a bigger mess than Ashley S. Her sentences to Chris right now make ZERO sense. He's "having a hard time understanding Ashley..." For once, Farming and I agree. 

Questions I have:
- Why was Jillian cradling Britt during the whole Kimmel monologue? And then in basically every other shot of them sitting together they were on each other's laps - why? 

- Speaking of Britt, why did we NEVER see how she was disqualified from the Farmville Course? Anyone else notice that? 

- Then speaking of Britt's girlfriend Jillian: WHYYYYY THOSE SHORTS WHYYYY I DON'T UNDERSTANDDDDD

Get that girl a SMOCK!

- Most pressing question of the night: what was the gift Farming and Whitney brought to the wedding? Did the Deere intern pull MORE strings to get some comp court-side tickets, what? An autographed picture of Chris Harrison? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS. 


Memorable Quotes: 

- When the limo pulled up to Costco, Miley uttered,“Oh we’re actually getting out here?”

            …I can’t say that I share that sentiment. I would have been SO stoked. Like, excuse me Chris but I need some razor blades and oh look this cool pencil sharpener is on sale... 

- In case ANYONE was wondering… Prized Living Room Peanut Gallery member Carolyn ordered Cinnistix and Cheesy bread before we started watching… I was, no joke, gnawing on cheesy bread as I announced, “JUST SO WE’RE CLEAR, I’m as tiny as Kaitlyn is.. in my mind… Like, when I imagine myself, I am JUST as small as she is... ”


- At some point Chris tried to write off the fact that he is NOT a wordsmith, whining to Kimmel, "I grew up on a farm..." To which Kimmel brilliantly came back with, “Were there people on the farm, or just animals?”

- When explaining the rules of this Farmville Obstacle Course for Love, Kimmel concluded. “Whoever wrestles the pig and places it gently back in its pen… will be the winner of Chris’s heart.”

-  With a greedy gleam in her eye. Whitney asks Farming what he's looking for in a lady. He replies: “Somebody I can laugh with, talk to after a long day, roll the…” Cab? Cob? I’ve googled this word/idiom. Got nothin’. Never going to Iowa.

- After asking Chris what he's looking for in a mate, Whitney took an approach that is different than most of her peers. Instead of drinking her insecurities, Whitney proceeds to become ALL OF THOSE QUALITIES, right in front of Farming's face… “Let’s crash a wedding… I’m spontaneous!” Those are her exact words. 

But actually. 

- As Juelia is BAWLING in Chris’s arms - wait. Before I even get to that:
1) Take off that stupid headband, Juelia. It's doing NOTHING for ANYONE. 
2) Her decision to use a pool party as the time to tell Farming about how her bipolar husband killed himself demonstrates the lack of therapy that this girl has seen... 

No but please, PLEASE slow down, Juelia... 

Carolyn: “She… shouldn’t be here…”

Grace: She needs SO MUCH help…

And whaddaya know: girl got a rose. HERE is a classic example of Simpleton Syndrome. from which Farming suffers. The man doesn't even have enough perspective to realize that a) this chick should probably be with her kid and b) SHE ISN'T EVEN VAGUELY READY FOR... anything, if we're being honest... 

Here's to hoping Ashley S. gets more airtime next week. In the meantime:

If you don't know this reference-within-a-reference...
we can NOT be friends. 

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