Wednesday, February 6, 2013

She's a Vegan and She Likes Beef... What About Goat's Milk?

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

          So I started this episode a little late in the game (and by “late” I mean “30 minutes,” which really means I only missed the first part of Lindsay’s one-on-one, because we all know the first 25 minutes are worthless recaps. If you’re asking yourself about the difference between the last two words of that sentence and this webpage, the answer is “commentary,” my friend.)

          I turned on the beginning for a hot minute on, but it’s seriously so unfortunate to see all those women without make-up, while Hare is telling them about their "journey around the world to find love" (thatwillbegininMontana) that I just gave up on it.

          Oh. I should also mention that I watched this episode entirely in black and white. No, I wasn't wearing a flapper dress and sitting at a speakeasy, I was in the year 2013, having just finagled aluminum foil around the two TV antennae perched on top of the converter box, (special thanks to Lisel and Josh Albee for their generous contribution of said converter box) perched on top of our trusty television. And by “trusty,” I mean “we found it on the street and it’s from the year 1997.” My roommate Carolyn and I just might develop a weird strand of suspicious OCD, because we’re now convinced that the success of the picture is dependent upon things like: where you’re sitting, where the antennae are in relation to the window, how many cookies you've eaten, etc. The point of all of this is: I COULDN'T TELL THE BLUE AND RED TEAMS APART, DURING THE:

1) The Bachelor Montana Wilderness Relay Race

- My favorite part of this date was when Hare announced “The Great Bachelor Montana Wilderness Relay Race!” (I don’t think he actually said “great,” but it should have been in there) He said it like he was a P.E. Teacher, announcing that it was “Free Play,” or Giant Parachute Day (come on – you LOVED to be that kid in the middle of the parachute…) But he said it like the girls, no less AMERICA should know what he was talking about, and should be REALLY stoked.

- Dez and Lez were ready to face some tough competition. Dez would drink goats’ milk for SEAN. Lez would drink goats’ milk for THE VICTORY. I’m pretty sure Dez gives me PTSD, as she reminds me of EVERY GIRL I NEVER LIKED IN SCHOOL, so I’m gonna pull for Lez on this one.

- Poor Sarah.

-   Ok YOU. KNOW. that Harrison snipped the twine on the blue team’s bale of hay. That was really all you could come up with, Hare? Why didn’t Sean just take his shirt off? That woulda caused ‘em to drop the hay bales REAL QUICK. This was probably why Sean invited the girls back to the party later – because he felt so terrible about Hare trying to rig the game.

- When Sean invited the blue team back to the party later that night, basically implying “Red Team, I didn’t want to be stuck with you four all night,” Dez’s indignation was so incendiary, that I was seriously waiting for her to yell, “MY GOATS’-MILK-CHUGGING WAS ALL FOR NAUGHT!” And when Dez got those “few seconds” with him, as she put it, she used all six of them to whine about... how said milk-chugging was all for naught… And then we spent the entirety of the next episode about how much she regretted those six seconds.

- Catherine is seven years old. I’m not upset about it, and I’m not upset that Sean says “she’s the girl I just wanna… Snuggle all the time.” And let’s ALSO have a slowclap for the way that the girl is playing her cards: she doesn’t need ANY affirmation from Sean. I’m convinced she’s not gonna stay around much longer, but she is a DElight.

- AshLee said the words “fairytale,” “soul connection” and “adore” in the same minute. Maaaaydayyy!
(If you didn’t immediately recognize that as Genie, in his “Bee Yourself,” getup in Aladdin, you may show yourself out) 

Questions I have:
- Is Selma wearing a turban right now, at the BMWRR?

- aShLeE claims that “nothing” can get in her the way of her having a great time with Sean on this date…
                 …But can the goats get in her way? Can they?

- Hare asserts that “one or more” of the women have to drink the goat milk… Do you get extra points if multiple girls drink it? Less points? SPECIFY, HARE.

- Why are Sean’s jeans so tight? Trust me, I’m not upset about it, but I am wondering why…

- Once the blue team arrives at the party (oh - apparently AsH thinks she's the sole reason they were all invited. That's rich.) aShLeE says she’s so excited to “share these incredible moments” with Sean…
                 ….WHAT incredible moments, aSh?

- Is Kat Dennings interviewing Sean, as Tiara comes up and covers his eyes? Cause it sure sounds like her voice… 
The girl from “House Bunny” and “Broke Girls”? Seriously. 

Memorable Quotes:
- Robyn to Sarah: “So do you wanna canoe?”
          Carolyn to Robyn: “Is that a joke?”

- “Dez, get the right nipple…” – Red Team

- When Daniella was on the screen, Carolyn said, “Oh look. It’s girl-who-I-always-forget-about-until-the-moment-she-comes-on-the-screen…”

- “I’m a real person and I have real feelings.” – Tiara


- I mean, at the end of the day, Tiara has actually said very few intentionally, personally mean things about other girls. (Think Courtney Robertson, people.) Sure, she says “girls are attacking me” and “everyone is mean” and DON’T get me started on the “fighter” comment. I just have no idea. But I find it noteworthy that the girls are going so far as to call Tiara “manipulative.” In order for one to be “manipulative,” one must be shrewd, clever, and cunning.
          …Tiara is none of those things, Ladies. Let’s give it up. 

- Perhaps I was really paying zero attention, but with the story of Tiara’s ex-bofyriend, it seemed like she was making the point that she keeps people at a distance, because she’s afraid of losing them. Sean somehow heard her say that she’s afraid of losing people so SHE’S A STAGE IV CLINGER, which he bafflingly finds endearing, and Grace was thinking that they could have easily met in the middle if she’d said something like, “I’m afraid of losing people. So often my actions are mistaken for those OF A CRAZY PERSON.”
           … But that’s just me.

- Two things about the Limo Ride of Rejection:
1) I will NEVER tire of the age-old line about how “I just totally put myself out there… and I don’t do that.” It’s like these girls have some kind of warped brand of entitlement, where, whether they actually have a connection or not, they think they deserve to stick around just because they flew coach, to meet Prince Lorenzo Borghese. (Or sold their car. Or used their standard-issued Cosmetologist Siren Red lipstick to plant one on Sean’s cheek, on the first night. Oh, did you perhaps forget that one was Jackie, at the premiere?)
2) Call me a sadist, but I will also never tire of surmising just HOW DEEPLY the ABC shrink must be digging the knife in, during the car ride. Really, the interview must include something like, “Did it hurt really, really badly to not be chosen? Did it rub salt into that age-old wound that you read about in Staci and John Eldridge’s “Captivating”? Do you feel like someone just ripped your gut out?” Because the kind of pain that these girls are suddenly in, after not receiving a darn rose is un. real. (And for heaven’s sake – someone send that line to Sean Lowe and dare him to NOT realize I’m his dream woman, WITH A JOHN ELDRIDGE REFERENCE.)

Questions I Have:
- Did Sean REALLY NOT BOTHER ASKING Tiara about the dude she was supposedly flirting with at the airport? Or was it just so boring (circa Emily Maynard confronting Arie about being previously engaged to that producer, Cassie, THAT NEVER SAW THE LIGHT OF DAY airtime) that we never saw any of it?

Memorable Quotes:
Tiara: I’m scared.
Sean: Why are you scared?
Tiara: I get scared because I have the biggest heart…”
Sean: Care to elaborate?

3) Cocktail Party: 

- Lez is dressed to kill tonight. I don’t know what “dressed to kill” really even means, but my Best Friend Lesley is, tonight.

- Well Sean certainly didn’t waste any time in cutting to the chase with Dez, in asking if Tiara is the bee in her bonnet. My cold sweats, fevers and nightmares set in, as Dez once again brought up memories of EVERY. GIRL. I’VE NEVER. LIKED. in my life, while she vaguely skirted around offering any semblance of an answer to Sean’s questions.

- Tiara accused Robyn of talking about “Pity sh*t.” (I mean, I’m assuming that’s the only profanity it could have been, right?) As anyone might guess, one’s insertion of the incorrect word (often a homophone) into a sentence is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. Tiara was looking for the word “petty.”

- Let us also note Tiara’s glottal stop on “THRET-ENED,” ‘cause it was EPIC.

- Watching Sean and MyBestFriendLesley talk out the Tierrorist, I am juggling my pom poms as I do back handsprings, while I cheer these two on, as captain of the Team Lesley Cheer Squad. I do find it interesting that Sean spoke so passionately about seeking answers about Tiara (obviously Dez was useless in this quest, sure, BUT WHAT ABOUT JACKIE? HELLO?)


Questions I have:
- Why the dead animals… EVERYWHERE?

- Did Selma stuff Dez’s dress? It certainly seems like Dez taking a play straight out of Selma’s book, tonight.

Memorable Quotes:
- Dez on Tiara: “She wants to be a victim so she can convince herself that others are jealous.” I need to further reflect upon this. Either the insight about making herself the victim in order to feel envied is the most brilliant thing I’ve ever heard, or the assumption that victims are even concerned with jealousy is the most daft declaration I’ve ever heard. Stay tuned.

(No but seriously: stay tuned. Hare and Co (Mike Fleiss) bought two more hours of air time for the VERY. NEXT. NIGHT.)

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