Tuesday, February 12, 2013

This Little Spark of Mine... I'm Gonna Let It Shine...

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)

I will say this: I’m never envious of where the show goes to film; mainly because I know that it’s not like anyone is really getting out anywhere to experience any real aspects of the city…


BUT I’D GO TO ST. CROIX IN A HEARTBEAT.

YOU GOT ME THERE, BACHELOR NATION.


This is because I happen to know how beautiful the US Virgin Islands are.

Because I’ve been there.

Am I about to regale you with tales of my glamorous world travels? I am not. I’m about to regale you with a time that I was so EGREGIOUSLY chunky, it’s literally unreal. And my life was so grievously tacky that you can see that the acrylic nail came off my index finger, on this trip. (The lack of nail is tacky; not the nails themselves, ETHAN.)

Dear America,
One time this happened. Junior year of high school has to happen to us all, at some point.
Love, Grace
Ps: YOU’RE WELCOME.
Pps: if anyone ever doubts how far I am willing to go with self-deprecation, in order to entertain the people, just show them THIS picture.


(Special thanks to Lou, for being seen with me. NO THANKS TO HER FOR LOOKING THIS GOOD AT HER AGE.)

1. Blah Blah, Here’s an Introduction to St. Croix…
Memorable Quotes:
- “How many times do you get to fly into St. Croix on a sea plane?” I have three problems with this question, Sean.
          a) “how many times” implies that it’s more than likely that these girls might do so more than once, which was already a stretch, to begin with.
          b) “fly into St. Croix” Well no one does that one, either.
          c) I’m just not even going to dignify “seaplane” with commentary.
- The girls, about the suite in which they’re staying: “It smells so new.”
- “I’m not friends with girls who like my boyfriend…” Then who ARE you friends with, Tiara?

2. One on one Date With aShLeE
Observations:
- They have to swim to a catamaran, in order to board it. Said boat is seriously ten feet away. Sean made it sound like they were about to swim the English Channel.
- They then jump off the top of said boat. That is probably twenty feet high. Sean makes it sound like they're jumping off the Titanic...
- Ah, the token lying-on-the-beach makeout. I’m sorry, is OCD aShLeE not perturbed by all the sand that is EVERYWHERE right now? Also, if I were ever charged with the responsibility of pulling off the sprawled beach makeout, literally every other word out of my mouth would be “I’m sorry I haven’t shaved my legs in so long and that they’re wrapped around you right now. I’m sorry.”
- Hey aSh, good news: your marriage would be a “make or break” (they’re actually called “deal breakers”; if you’re gonna marry a 28 year old, you should probably stop using lingo of ye days of yore) if you were 20, and said marriage had been 3 years ago, you’d be in trouble… GOOD THING IT WAS THIRTEEN YEARS AGO.
- Ok but seriously stop talking about HOW you’re gonna breeze through it and just SAY IT.
- YOU DIDN’T “BREAK UP,” IN HIGH SCHOOL , aSh, YOU GOT DIVORCED.

Questions I have:
- Just out of curiosity… Why hasn’t Sean chosen to listen to Jackie or Lez, in regards to Tiara? He is falling all over himself in gratitude towards Ashlee for finally “showing him the light,” when we’ve watched other women attempt to do so this season, several times. Just last week, MyBestFriendLeslie said "Oh she's just being Miley," but Sean apparently didn't hear a word...
- OH DO YOU HAVE THAT ROMANTIC DINNER PLANNED ON THE BEACH, SEAN?! DO YOU?! 

Memorable Quotes:
- “I get so carried away with Sean. If it’s not physically, it’s emotionally carried away…” WE KNOW, aShLeE.
- “The Cougar’s back in town.” I mean, as wretched as Tiara is… She does make a point. Why hasn’t Ash settled down already? Oh wait. She did. When she was 17.
- “I want to roll away… her rollaway bed… Into the ocean.” THANK YOU, MyBestFriendLez
- “So you were a married high school junior? That’s… young.” Leave it to Sean, to make such an astute observation.
- “You are not broken. Take that out of your vocabulary.” Ok Sean, my knees went a little weak on that one.
- Let’s also take a moment to look at the fact that after Ashlee belted “I LOVE SEAN!” the rookie editor giggled to himself as he followed up with Sean’s, “Ashlee is special… I could fall in love with Ashlee.”


3. One on One with the Tierrorist
Observations:
- Tiara is literally the first human EVER to appear on this show and complain about her date before it’s even begun. WAY. TO. GO.
- I will say this: Tiara spits a GREAT game to Sean. If he’d heard nothing from aShLeE, he’d fall for it, hook line and sinker.
- Ok am I the only one who heard Tiara say that Sean bought her a “trinity bracelet, which means that love is forever”? It’s seriously a toss-up: I could have misheard, OR she could be such a WORDSMITH that she mixed up “trinity” and “infinity.” Or maybe it was a secret promo for Revenge, who knows?

Questions I Have:
- How does one make it to several episodes into the travel dates, having NOT had a one on one? Props to Tiara for not taking a backseat like that random dude that made it to like, Iceland on Ali’s season…

Anyone remember him? Anyone?

Memorable Quotes:
- Tiara: I love shopping with Sean.
   Carolyn: I hate shopping with boys.

- We get a glimpse of a later scene where Tiara is going to say: “I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROW.”
SO STOKED ABOUT THIS.

4. “Group” Date:

Observations:
- Sean tried to go Bachelor Rogue and see the girls without make-up… And we see that Dez looks… exactly the same without makeup
- If a potential suitor woke me up at 4 AM, I’d be less concerned with appearing without make-up than I would be about the wrath that my suitor would have to face, for rousing me at such an early hour, I’m JUST saying…
- I am loving the way little Concerned Cat looks, wrapped up in Sandy Sean’s freckled embrace right now.
- Ughh Dez and Sean are trekking through that thick kind of sand right now that is wretched terrain for breach walking…

Memorable Quotes: - “I love roadtrips” HEY SEAN, DID YOU NOT LOVE ROAD-TRIPPING ENOUGH TO GO SET A RECORD WITH YOUR DAD.
- “The crazy girl that walked in in a wedding dress now has a hometown rose. Nobody saw that coming.” You’re right about THAT, Lindsay. You’ve got the system BEAT right now.
- Upon hearing Cat’s story about her Dad, Carolyn barked, “SHE STARTED WITH THE TREE STORY?! WHEN SHE HAD THAT IN HER BACK POCKET, THE WHOLE TIME?”


I would now like to take this brief interlude to talk about an interview that Carolyn and I watched, during a commercial break. (During which we had to turn our TV off and on again, per usual during the commercial breaks, so it will go back to normal color TV, as opposed to the black and white/ discoteca that it’s so fond of sporting)

Remember that single Dad, Doug, who gave Emily Maynard the MOST awkward kiss ever, just before she sent him home from Ireland, or whatever rainy UK country they were in? We watched an interview with him. But the interview also featured his son. This is his son:



You go, Glen CoCo.

5. One on One with MyBestFriendLez:
I only have 2 Questions:
1) WHY IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MBFLezNOT "WHERE IT NEEDS TO BE AT THIS POINT," SEAN?! WHY?!
2) Where did that skirt come from? I need it.


6. Eruption of Mt. Vesuvius: (I seriously have no idea what else to call it) 

Remember that time I watched Davey and Grace have a conversation on national TV, in St. Croix? Cause it got a little weird.

Observations:
- The Rookie Editor truly outdid himself with this one, cutting back and forth between the cat fight and Sean’s conversation with his sister, amid the building ominous symphony…
- Tiara messed this one up, big time. All she had to do – all she had to do was go meet the sister. Sean really seemed to be pretty clueless that anything was going on; Tiara could have gone to meet the sister and played the whole thing off, buying herself at least another hour of time to fan the flame of her “spark.”
- Let’s talk about the proportion of Tiara’s response to Sean’s “I wanted you to meet my sister,” and Sean’s “I think you should go home.” Cause she lost. it. on that first one, but seemed pretty collected, about the second.

Memorable Quotes:
- “I don’t want him to fall victim of her manipulation.” YOU DO NOT FALL VICTIM OF SOMETHING, aShLeE, YOU FALL VICTIM TO IT.
- “It’s your character.” OH ASHLEE GOT TIARA THERE, WITH HER USE OF THE WORD “CHARACTER.”
- “MEN LOVE ME!” Apparently not all men, Tiara.
- “My parents said, ‘Tierra, you have a spark. Don’t let those girls take away the spark.’” Genius. Fellow Bachelor Devotee Brittany Hays shares my sentiment of nearly wishing we’d seen her through to the hometown dates, JUST to see how nutty her family was.
- aShLeE “Go to your cot.”
  Tiara: “See, that’s bashing. You’re bashing me.”

- Sean: “Do you think specific women spoke up about you?”
  Tiara: “Just like… Ashlee”

- Tiara: I have a big heart.
   Carolyn: You mean physically, it’s oversized? We need some clarity, here.”

7. Rose Ceremony:
- Sadly… I feel like the final five are… friends. And genuinely like each other.
- He’s gonna send MBFLez home, I just know it. And ISN’T THERE SOMETHING TO BE SAID about not wearing your heart on your sleeve? Lez was just playing her cards safely. Can you blame the girl?
- Also: Glad there’s a telescope in the rose ceremony room.
- CATHERINE IS CRYING OVER LEZ… YOU AND ME BOTH, CAT. (Well, figuratively, anyway.)
- Finally... thank you for wearing your seatbelt in the rejection van, Lez. 

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