Tuesday, February 19, 2013

He's A General with HOW MANY Stars?

Shoutout to a one Buck Curley this week, who sent me the following picture, with the caption: “Your brother woke up to a single rose in his apartment this morning. He doesn’t know why. Is he the Bachelor?”  

I replied: “Well I had to tell him SOMEHOW that I sent his bio to Chris Harrison…


To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)


1) aShLeE

- Anyone who would “take lightly” the meeting of the parents… wouldn’t introduce someone to their parents anyway, aSh. Stop patting yourself on the back…
- Ohhhh and we’re BACK TO FAMILY WEEK. AsH “submerged” her “feelings” in the polar bear plunge waters. Don’t get me wrong: AsH has clearly done a lot of emotional work. This is healthy. This is great. But I will now quote Miranda Lambert: “GO AND HIDE YOUR CRAZY AND START ACTING LIKE A LADY…”
- WHOAAA Mama brought it full circle. aShLeE was abandoned. And she has abandoned herself to Sean. BOOM.
- Sean is cleverly masking his judgement as he asks Daddy about AsH’s previous marriage. Whatever he says certainly doesn't come out as “HOW COULD YOU LET HER RUN OFF WHEN SHE WAS SEVENTEEN, BRO?!”

Questions I Have:
- Why is aShLeE just finding out that Sean’s father is ordained?
- I’m JUST curious: did AsH bring home… her first husband? Can we get some pictures of her first wedding? Anyone?
- Why is Sean giggling as he anticipates that Ash’s father might ask if he loves her?
- aSh goes on for about fifteen minutes to the camera about how she DOESN’T WANT TO WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE to get married… Are you SURE it’s just marriage that you “don’t wanna wait for,” Ash?

Memorable Quotes:
- “Before I met Sean, I thought I knew what love was…” I’m pretty sure I said this last week, but: MAYDAAAAAY.

- “I’ve loved… and I’ve had boyfriends…” SHE’S NEGLECTING TO MENTION THAT SHE HAD A HUSBAND.
- “I wanna know what y’all have done up till now…” DO YOU, PAPA FRASIER?
- Ash: “Y’all are gonna have to forgive me. There was a lot of romance.”
   Sean: “All in fun, of course.”
   Grace: Please excuse me while I get in the fetal position.
- “What are your intentions for aShLeE? Are you gonna break her heart?” Mama practiced this one in the mirror a few times. And by “a few” I mean "fifty." I'm pretty sure the women at her Bible Study told her that if she said it dramatically enough, it would be shown as many times as Sean's "Don't put your hands on me," in the promos...
- Sean asks Papa Fraz, “Would you be ok with me asking her to marry me?” Lemme tell you what kind of “asking for your blessing” wouldn’t fly with my father: THIS ONE. “Are you ok with it?” I’M NOT OK WITH HOW YOU POSED THAT QUESTION, SEANNIE.
- “I had a connection with her and I fell in love with her.” – I GOT PROBLEMZ WITH THIS ANALOGY, Papa Fraz.
- “Today was magical. It’s like there was little pixie dust everywhere.” 
....I don't even really have a comment... about that comment...

2) CAT: 
- I have NO idea what is going on with the fish and the yelling, but I’m not upset about it. And I want Sean and Cat to be my best friends NOW.
- Catherine is by far the most articulate lady of the four. I don’t find this upsetting.
- Wow. That being said, we are now watching her sister as she literally says nonsense. No wait. "Nonsense" isn't even accurate, because that implies that she'd use actual WORDS. She's just gesturing and letting Sean fill in the blanks. Joel McHale better address this on The Soup.
- Well, Sean certainly never did get that blessing, from Cat's Mama.

Questions I have: 
- Is aShLeE compulsively organizing her DVD collection, in agony, as she watches this?
- This is by no means a racial comment, but a Disney one. Anyone else getting “Would you like to stay for dinner/ WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER?” From Cat’s Lola? 

Memorable Quotes:
- Sean says, “If I know Catherine…” So there’s a possibility that you DON’T know Cat?
- Cat: It’s slippery:
  Fish guy: I know; it’s a fish.
- “I never worry about being the cool guy in front of Catherine… Because that’s impossible. I love that. I never wanna be the cool guy with Catherine.”
- “I don’t think in the clouds.” She needed to say her head isn't in the clouds. But this is her first verbal mistake, so I’ll forgive her.
- “She's either very happy or very… focused.” Good save, Sister of Cat.
- “Her sisters brought up things that make me doubt our relationship.” (Like… you’re worried that she’ll turn into her older sister and never use actual words again? Or be really messy? Or be in a really “focused” mood?)

3) Lindsay: 

- I’m gonna vote that Linz’s “youthful energy” can be attributed to… HER AGE. 
- This whole army role playing thing. I’m not digging it.
- At the rate we're going, I’d hate to see Sean meet a FOUR star general… 
- If I were Lindz’s dad watching at this point, I’d be offended that she had apparently done nothing to defend her Dad from appearing as a vengeful villain in Sean’s mind. 

Questions I have: 
- Are they, or are they not going to tell General Daddy about their drunken first night? 
- …Why does Lindz not know her father’s title? 

Memorable Quotes: 
- “If my parents like him… I’ll be ready… To tell him I’m falling in love with him.” Spoiler alert, Lindz: aSh beat you by two weeks… 
- “I love cupcakes.” Ah, the most magical words for a man to utter... 
- “Ive never taken home a boyfriend that I’m serious about...” So you've only taken home boys you’re NOT serious about? 
- “He just wants to see me happy and doesn't want anyone to get in the way of that.” I mean, my dad wants a lot of things for me... however, morphing into DESTROYER MODE, to annihilate anyone who "gets in the way," is not at the top of his list. 
- Lindz has been waiting for this, “ALL MY LIFE.” ...all twenty four years? COME ON. 

4) Dez: 

- RUNYON CANYON, GET OUT OF MY FACE WITH YOUR STUPID YAPPY DOGS. I would like to take a moment to give a shoutout to a one Andy Patton, former Latin teacher, who introduced me to the term “drop and kick dog,” that is defined, as he put it, by “if it’s the kind of dog that you can, you know, drop and kick.” Dorothy Williams’ face turned an indignant bright red when he asked her if this was the case with her dachshund, and since I’ve moved out here, I think about drop and kick dogs almost every day. Mind you, my precious dog Achates (named after a character in Vergil’s Aeneid = Latin is life) is the size of a drop and kick dog. She will do anything to stay next to warm body. I’m still kind of uncertain as to how this picture happened, but somehow she wedged herself between all the pillows to get closer to my mom: 
THE POINT IS: I wouldn’t take Catie to Runyon Canyon and make her schlep all the way to the top. But these hippie actors out here can’t stand to be alone for one minute, so they haul their poor drop and kick dogs through the canyon. And Sean and Dez passed about fifty of them.
- THIS BOYFRIEND THING IS THE WORST. PRANK. EVER. It is seriously a toss-up: making Dez think she owed 1.5 million dollars, or making Sean’s blood pressure rise to unreasonable heights. Your pranks SUCK, guys.
- Wait I’m loving Dez’s parents right now.

Questions I have:
- Every day, Sean? You walk your dogs every day?
- Anyone remember that girl on London Bachelor Matt Grant’s season, who had the fake parents come out for a minute? With the mom that was crazo hitting on Matt? That was pretty funny…
- See how un-fun it is to be pranked, Sean?
- Why is the brother’s accent so much thicker than Dez’s?
- If Seanskii isn’t good enough for Nate… who is?
- Why are Dez and the parents letting Nate get away with this kind of behavior right now? Is this real life?
- And finally, lemme tell you who WOULDN’T put on the kind of show that Nate just did. THIS GUY: 
(But seriously, Davey: you have about ten more seconds left to live before I sign you up to be the next Bachelor. WHO’S WITH ME?!) 

Memorable Quotes:
- “Because I did miss you so much, I realized that I don’t want to miss you.” Like I said... Dez seriously reminds me of every girl I NEVER liked in life.
- “What am I about to do to this guy?” SOMEONE IS THERE TO GUARD AND PROTECT DEZ'S HEART.
- “Just don’t fall for nobody.” …Did her brother just say that to Dez?
- Sean says to Crazy Brother, “I’m sorry I gave you that opinion.” – IMPRESSION, Sean. I’M SORRY I GAVE YOU THAT IMPRESSION.

5) Rose Ceremony: 
- So glad Hare has adopted the use of “chopping block,” from Bachelor Pad. Also delighted that we’re back in front of the Headshot Bookshelf.
- You know those stories about people blindly following the voice of God? I’m in no way knocking these kind of stories. I’m just commenting on the fact that THE ROSE CEREMONY was probably never a place where one thought that this would be the case.
- Why is Dez whispering to Sean right now? Can I also get a slow clap for the time that Crazy-Eyed-Chris pulled Emily aside before the rose ceremony? Cause I thought we were actually going to witness cardiac arrest on national television, that day.
- How sweet that Kacie B let Lindz borrow her dress.
- Hare offers his advice: “Get this right.” OMG THANKS HARE, IT ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW.
- Honestly if I were Cat or Dez right now, I would have just walked out. If he was that unsure of who he wanted to be with, he should just send them both home. (Also, why didn’t Hare come out to announce it was the final rose?)
- Oh wait. I DID just walk out at that moment. To go get my roommate from the airport. Don’t say I didn’t qualify for the Friendship Award, 2013. I’m too lazy to wade through all the commercials on ABC.com right now, but I DO look forward to seeing the fallout of Dez, in the Limo Ride of Shame.


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