Tuesday, May 31, 2016


“Did you hear about the Sisterwives scandal?” is how my night started. I wasn’t upset about it. Carolyn filled me in on the latest. It involves one of the wives getting catfished. That's pretty much all I know. 

Meanwhile, over here on the West coast, I still have no idea why JoJo is staying in Westlake.How are the guys supposed to "break into" her house and try on her motorcycle helmet? How are they supposed to hobble over to her mansion on their crutches? (If you don't get this reference, then you're not here for the right reasons)

I’ve decided that the second episode of each season is my favorite. The guys are so nervous and so they say and do weird and outlandish stuff (like sing ALL the time) but there's enough guys still in the house that there's a steady bromance going on, and the guys don't know each other well enough to really talk specific smack, so they end up doing things like comparing dudes to protein shakes... It's so good. 

Group Date: 

Luke, Will, Evan, Danny, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells, Robby

Some miscellaneous observations: 

- Robby reminds me of Chris Soules. I'm terribly bored by him.

- Thank you to men and women of fire departments everywhere. Their job is harder than anyone’s, but especially harder than JoJo’s, right now, because she was wearing HALF of the fire-fighting outfit. The whole thing weighs… about as much as she does.

- Yada yada, JoJo wants to know if a man can protect her.... I’m not saying that JoJo is a copycat, but you guys should know: one time I was talking to esteemed Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Johnny about a guy, and Johnny gave me his take on him by saying“He’s not… he’s not a LEADER.” So our measure of a man became: leader or non-leader. And THEN we watched the season one finale of The Leftovers. Where Justin Theroux literally RAN BACK INTO A BURNING HOUSE to save his daughter. (Spoiler alert: she lives)  So then our measure of a man became: would you send him back into a burning house? I can’t find an actual photo of Justin and the burning house, but this will do for the present:


- The vampire Canadian told us “I haven’t pulled a hose like that since-” SHUT UP, EDWARD CULLEN. 

- You guys, Wells is my favorite. He is so deeply charming and I can’t even stand it.

- I’m so upset that the Erectile Dysfunction guy is still here. And JoJo cares NOT that he has children. He is for sure going home at the end of the episode.

- We did NOT need to hear Luke and Jo Jo kissing. I am getting so much salivary audio right now and it is all so unnecessary. Carolyn can’t stop giggling at his face, because "he’s super hot… but his hair is SO tall. Like, it would be way better if he would just cut off like, six inches."

- Group Date Rose went to Wells. Here’s to you, Wells Fargo.

- Carolyn’s remarks about Me Before You: “This movie will… Destroy me… For DAYS.... And I cannot wait."

Meanwhile, back on the farm at the mansion, James T is leading the guys in a group singing sesh. And seriously all I could say is: I LOVE DUDES! I'm sorry if this is offensive and sexist, but I'm pretty sure that it's scientifically proven that a group of dudes is notably more hilarious than a group of chicks. Am I wrong?

One on One: Derek

- This "Choices" date is pretty cute, I won’t lie. Clearly one of the PAs came up with this in the break room and one of the producers overheard it. Not mad. But I could definitely see Derek suffering from first one on one syndrome.

- Yeah it’s never a good sign when the lead is talking about the date ON THE DATE. She’s saying how “we made these choices today…” because she has nothing else to say. If it’s a good date, you don’t have to rehash the things that just happened an hour ago…

- After she gave him the rose, in her interview JoJo just said that relationship questions were “bogging at them,” and that phrase is almost too distorted for me to even take apart… (But just to be ultra naggy: You were bogged down by questions and doubts, JoJo. See what I did there?)  Blah blah blah they’re making out in front of a fountain… cool… I’m bored.

- Chad and Edward Cullen are talking about protein shakes and nice guys and either of them have yet to say a single thing that is coherent. I'm TELLING you: this is why episode #2 is my favorite. We get so much nonsense, but it's like the editors have written it off as necessary exposition and character development, so we see it all.

Group Date: 

Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T, Alex, Chad

Some more observations: 

- After his name is called on the card, Chad tells the boys who aren't on the card: “You’ve made it your whole life without seeing JoJo what’s a little while longer gonna hurt?” Which is definitely the most logical thing he's said so far, but not the most consoling thing to hear at the moment.

- Ok Nick B definitely just won me over with the shower dance move for a touchdown dance. I expected more from Little Rodgers.

- The only thing I have to say about the “naggy” remark is that it was so, so poorly timed. It’s not an alarming choice of words, it’s that he chose to say it WHEN he did. If I had to sit down with him later, I'd say, "It's not that you called me naggy. I am naggy. But it's that you chose to say such a thing in front of a line of other people when you hardly know me. The lack of social awareness is alarming." (I have NO idea why I just created a reality where I have to sit down and tell Chad about his lack of social graces, but I'm too tired to take any of it back right now..)

I wish they'd ranked all the guys and not just the top three, but here were the top 3:

1) James

2) Chad

3) Alex

I love that this date was the male version of the Chemistry date on Ben's season. Oh Ben. How I miss thee. 

I will never get over this guy...

- James T is winning me OVER and I’m not upset about it. I'm also so relieved that his words for JoJo didn't rhyme. That got him some serious points with me.

- I didn’t realize until RIGHT THIS SECOND that Ben Higgins is 6’4”. AS IF I NEEDED ANOTHER REASON FOR HIM TO BE MY FAVORITE. 

- Chad lost his mom six months ago. That’s sad. But is he milking it a little bit? Is he? Call me mean. Call me a nag. CALL ME WRONG.

- Short Alex is going to self-destruct, whining about Chad. I’m telling you that right now. I really kind of would like to see them fight, though.

- Group Date Rose went to Sweet Baby James

Cocktail Party:

- JoJo was caught off guard by Chad’s presence at the front door, and now she's terribly uncomfortable.
You and I both, bb. 

- I haven’t seen a season bromance this strong since Dorfman’s season and I am LOVING it. Dudes are my most favorite thing. And I know that's such a basic statement, and it's probably because I went to an all girls' school, but dude friendships are just the greatest thing ever.

- Style note: Ali knows how to wear a SUIT. 

- I love how these guys are cornering Chad and Alex is NOT letting up on the questions. He wants a DETAILED transcript of their entire conversation. 

This Alex will self-destruct in five seconds... 

- Just a quick note: Chad is a luxury real estate agent… in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Anybody need any luxery real estate there? Want a vacation home, perhaps? Chad's your guy...

- Let's have a quick recap of comments about Chad's (literal) meathead status:

Grant: “Chad has consumed enough food tonight to feed a kindergarten class.” 
Luke“He would have an IV of meat if he could.” 
James:“If you have that physique and you miss a meal, it is DETRIMENTAL. At least that’s what I’ve heard. I wouldn’t know.”

- Making matters NO better for himself, Chad tells JoJo: “I’m normally cool and calculated, but I got home and I like, actually thought about you….” Good one, Chad. I feel like the Bachelor/Bachelorette is experiencing sensory overload, this early in the game because they're having to take in all sorts of new information from every angle and so instead of tuning into her natural intuition and telling Chad to take a hike, JoJo just ends up telling him he's kind of mysterious. (Again: I'm just too tired to really face the fact that I just offered a very earnest mini-psychoanalysis of anyone involved with this show. Just letting it happen at this point. I'll still be single the next time you see me, but holy CRAP I love this show.)

- Aww. I kind of felt a teensy bit sorry for Erectile Evan, just now. Poor guy.

- Carolyn pointed out: "JoJo is talking about Ben too much. He should be mentioned night one and then never again."

Roses went to: Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F, Nick, Vinny, Evan, and Chad

- Going home: Will (awkward fortune teller on night one - Jonathan Buntin, I'm not gonna lie about it, he kind of reminds me of you for some reason and since only one of us is married, Im'ma let you just take that for what it is...) James (Bachelor superfan) and Brandon (Hipster).

You know in the "You Before Me" trailer when Sam Clafin says, "You are pretty much the only thing that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning..." that's basically how I feel about Chad, right now. I love it so much. I can't wait to see how it plays out. Can't wait for the episode where Chris Harrison tells Chad that men are fearing for their lives... 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

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