Opening break up montage: Ugh. I love Ben Higgins so much. Except for when he PROMISED JoJo that she wouldn't be blindsided. I didn't love him then. But DAAAANG he just might be my favorite Bachelor of all time.
Ok obviously the producers took a vacay after Ben's proposal, and the Bachelor Production Assistant was in charge of this terrible b-roll that they shot in... Westlake? Guys, Westlake isn't close to anything. This is weird.
Ok, ok. We're finally back at the Bachelor mansion, good. Is that a trampoline I spot?
There are so many hairstyles going on with these Bachelorettes right now. I'm not mad, but it's a lot. Dez. DEZ IS THE WORST. YOU GUYS, I SERIOUSLY COULDN'T STAND DEZ FOR A SINGLE SECOND OF LIFE. Other news: except for the bun she's got cooking in the oven, Ali looks EXACTLY the same as she did when she was the Bachelorette.
Chris Harrison's hair is notably shorter this season, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't do change very well.
Grant: Firefighter... Terrible puns... NEXT.
Jordan: I really want Jordan to go far because I want Olivia Munn to be on the hometown date. Peanut Gallery Member Johnny isn't here tonight, but he will be TERRIBLY bored by Jordan. I don't trust Jordan any further than I could throw him, but he's gonna go far. He's talking to her like he already knows her.... Wait. he just said "good to see you." You guys, have these two met before? I'm so sick of him talking about being a former NFL player, already. He got the first impression rose... I still don't trust him. And I'm stressed out by his hair. It seems like it would take a lot of work to get it to do what it's doing...
Alex: OMG ALEX I AM SINGLE, GIVE ME A CALL. Waaaaaaaait. You guys. Alex is gorgeous. We see that Alex's twin brother called him up to tell him "I just met the girl I'm gonna marry." Just a quick note: I will also be able to tell this story in life because I'm pretty sure whenever I meet anyone ever, I call someone up and say "I FOUND HIM. I FOUND THE FUTURE MR. GRACE DOUGLAS." (But seriously: thank you for your service, Alex.) Eh, I won't fault him for being the first one to "steal her away," but I am unmoved by the push-ups.
James: James is obviously enjoying the perks of funemployment. His title is "Bachelor Superfan."
Evan: Even though he lives in Nashville.... Evan should go. He was a pastor and now he deals with Erectile Dys-
The door is that way, Evan. You have mojo for NO ONE. Evan got out of the limo and said "Hey, girlie!" I think we're done, here.
Ali: also looks like he's funemployed. He says he wants a house by the beach.
|Funemployment doesn't get you a house on the beach...|
Christian: Christian "grew up biracial." Is he... no longer biracial? Cause I grew up chubby, but fortunately I'm no longer "growing up." Christian had no problem giving the producers the b-roll they wanted. Is he the one that is up for the gym at 3;30 am? Cause I think his perfect match might be Big Daddy.
|4 am looks goooooood|
|Ohhh you doooo? HELEN KNOWS THE OWNERRRR|
Luke: Luke is real pretty. But hot DAWG he's coun-TRAY. (But again: thank you for your service, Luke.) I don't understand why we had to see him leaning against the barn like this, or why we had to watch him walk UP to said barn, but... I gotta feeling this guy is going far.
Let's call it like it is: JoJo in that dress... and GRACE in that dress... they JUST wouldn't look the same, is all I'm saying. Big Daddy informed me that he thought "the girl in the red dress on that commercial with all the rose petals... she just looks fake." (HIS WORDS, not mine.) I didn't disagree.
Derek.: Oh Derek is KAAAYOOOT. He looks like a dark John Krazinski and I am INTO it.
James F: She asked him how he's doing. He says "I'm doing good, I'm doing good..." I feel like I should be into this, cause it's a Southern thing, but let's be real about it: people repeat themselves when they don't know what else to say. So he's really just informing her that he doesn't know what to do....
|...or my words.|
Robby: Robby's cute. He brought the bottle of wine. Shout out to Mama Fletch:
|You do you, girl...|
Will: Will dropped his cue cards.. And his delivery of the mixed up cue cards was even worse... I'M DONE. He has a fortune teller... aaaaand he kissed her. Special thanks to my roommate Adrienne for capturing my facial expression during pretty much the whole episode, but definitely during the fortune telling bit:
No idea what that 80's crimp is doing in the middle of my hair, but I'm into it...
Chad: Chad looks like Damien Lewiws. She likes Chad a lot. Chad accused Ben of being soft... but then he called him "supple." and I'm feeling pretty weird about it... Looks like Chad is the Dave Good of this season (Kimberly Irion and Elisa Goodrich, where you at? That reference was an OOOOOLD one.)
Daniel: "Damn, JoJo..." This guy is a wreck. "I'm not a drinker myself, but I've had more to drink than anyone here." And now we're talking about poking another man's belly button... and how he might be wearing a tie from Men's Warehouse... Ironic that he talked about someone taking their shirt off... and now he's in the pool. Whatta mess.
James Taylor: I'M DONE. (update: ok, ok, James T is pretty sweet. But he didn't need that guitar. Or that name.)
Saint Nick: DON'T. Why on EARTH did he keep this up? May I just take a moment to tell you guys about something on my bucket list? In addition to jumping into a cab and GENUINELY (it has to be genuine!) yelling "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" before I die, I want to record an a capella version of "Little Saint Nick," where I sing all the parts.
Oh, is those weird things to have on your bucket list? I certainly don't care what's on Little Saint Nick's, cause he has got to GO.
Chase: I mustache you a question... please don't.
Jake: Jake seemed normal. We were spared any terrible one-liners from him...
Jon: Jon wore a kilt. Which was troubling. But he DID offer a nice line: "Guys, Olivia got the first impression rose and then she was left on an island..."
Sal: Blue balls.
|That's all I have to say about that...|
Coley: Terrible real estate puns.
Brandon: Funemployed. Hipster. Mess. It's 2016, BrandoBaby. Get out of your mom's basement.
Nick S: can do the splits. Got white girl wasted. Was the guy who wore a bandanna under his collared shirt in his bio picture.
Vinny: Cousin Vinny brought out *actual* toast... and then proceeded to get... toasted. Boy was wasted. Somehow still got a rose.
Peter: Wanted to be her Man crush Mon-DON'T.
Wells: WHOAAAA nice move with the barbershop. I am INTO Wells. He's 31, but he looks 21. Don't know how that makes me feel, but he's charming.
Quick unimportant update: according to this commercial right now, I use the sunscreen that Jennifer Garner uses. Feeling great about it.
Twenty bucks says Crazy Eyed Chris is getting out of the limo right now... OMG JAKE PAVELKA YAAAAAASSSSSS. Please don't be vying for her, Jake. Jake is not a young man, you guys. (BECCA KOTTE, I NEED YOU TO YOU BACK ME UP, HERE) Ok, he's a family friend and this whole thing was a decoy. Whew. Thank heaven.
Roses went to:
James F (steady commentary)
Ali (Is it disrespectful of me to call him Ollie?)
Nick (yes, SANTA)
Guys who went home: the guy who got way too drunk (that wasn't Daniel or Vinny) and had a handkerchief on in his bio picture, the kilt guy, Peter, (why?) and a black guy... Did I miss any one?
YOU GUYS I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS SEASON AND I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT.
The only noteworthy thing I have to say is that they made it look like Chad totally beats up a guy.... They also made it look like someone shoved Tiara down the stairs. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE EDITING, PEOPLE.
If you're a bird, I'm a bird...