The Best Defense is a Good Defense

...isn't that the name of an episode of Serial? Cause a) it's true and b) it's true for this episode.

But more on that later. 

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

So we start pretty much right in the middle of things... and by "right in the middle of things," I mean that Jade is stuck in the bathroom because Kelsey is having a panic attack in the doorway. We ended on this "dramatic" note last week, and are picking up in media res, which means that we listen to the SAME wailing audio footage of Kelsey OVER AND OVER AND OVER again.

I expected more, Jacob... 

Our favorite Assistant Editor Jacob (formerly known as the Bachelorette Intern) let us down this week. DID YOU THINK WE WOULDN'T NOTICE THAT YOU PUT THE SAME WHINY AUDIO ON LOOP, J-CAKE?! Whatever. The poor kid is too busy trying to keep up with the whiskey that Hare is downing, AND trying to manage this season's interns. (And yes, we all know they drew straws to determine that Keisha would get to be seen on national television as she went in to the suite to remove Ashely THEN Kelsey's bag, after the two-on-one.)

SPEAKING OF TWO ON ONE. Let's clap it up for this day three years ago. No one got left on an iceberg with a fresh tattoo, but Deli Lane saw a pretty ferocious two-on-one date... 

Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Johnny had never witnessed a two-on-one date before. Carolyn and I spared him the drama that was the HotTug date with Lawyer Mike and Daddy Ben, on Dez's season... 

Back to Kelsey's "panic attack" : 

Becca: ‘I think the girls are trying to figure out what part of her is real…”

Carolyn: Yeah none of them look at all concerned.

Kelsey is still on the floor wailing, and now the medic is asking her a question... From what I can tell, the medic says "what did you think about the brownies?"  THIS IS VERY CONCERNING. Especially when Kelsey's response is "I don't think they were real..." 

I'M JUST SAYING. 

Blah blah Kelsey is miraculously revived once Chris shows up. I don't want to even dignify her behavior with much commentary. It is very apparent that she pissed off one of the interns enough to elicit the wrath of Jacob (and all the other editors) and I am by no means defending her crazy ways. We all know that in a basement somewhere, Sarah Koenig is probably peddling "Serial, Season 2: Who Killed Sanderson?" to her producers, (they'd map out his walk to work; you KNOW they would) but hot DAWG this girl got a terrible edit. 

She tells the Brownie Medic that she deserves a rose for her panic attack - flashes of this, anyone??

I have a sparkle. 

And finally she re-joins the group, now sufficiently wrapped in an exceedingly thick blanket.

Johnny: That’s right. Give her the fur. Give her the bear. Give her the bearskin rug.

Grace: She is insane. She is INSANE.
Johnny: She is amazing.
Carolyn: I hope she's the next Bachelorette...

Kelsey: I am THE woman he is going to fall in love with and marry...

HER WORDS, NOT MINE.

Real talk: the editing of this rose ceremony is unprecedented: NEVER BEFORE have we seen girl after girl get called, all while seeing continuous footage of another girl crying… we thank Jacob for his hard work. We do NOT thank Ashley for her tears.

Not to mention: LRPG has absolutely no idea who this Samantha chick is. 

Johnny: Wasn't "Samantha Who" a show on ABC? I think we're watching season two unfold right before our very eyes...
Grace: have we seen a SINGLE conversation between them?
Carolyn: she's about to BE single, yuk yuk yuk.
Johnny: Samantha Mumba, I love your work!

....Samantha (Mumba) got the ax.

Grace: Thank you for your work, Samantha Mumba! Your Disney Channel music videos were an inspiration to fifth grade choreographers everywhere.

No one was super sorry to see Baby Mak go. Maybe she'll see a UFO on her flight home. Go to college, Baby Mak...

 (Sidenote: did anyone else notice how it was apparently zero degrees outside? Thank goodness Kelsey had Britt to cling to for warmth. Too bad Britt has NEVER showered... )

Also a quick update for our friends at home: Kaitlyn wants to "punch Kelsey in the teeth holder." Not just the teeth, or perhaps the baby maker, but... the teeth holder. Is that a white collar word for grille? She wants to punch her in the gums.

Onto South Dakota...

Lezzbe honest: South Dakota had very little going for it, in the first place. And why didn't we see any shots of Crazy Horse? (the statue, not the strip club) So obviously they had to get some gratuitous shouts of Prince Farming in a... Bath Barrel (Barrel Bath?) Ugh GET ON WITH IT. Ohhhh and he says he's "looking forward to seeing their wild west side..."

BUT ACTUALLY

 One on One date: Becca Let’s… shoot things.
(Or something)

The LRPG loves Becca. We’ve decided she’s the Catherine Guidici of this season. She has now mentioned her virginity TWICE on this season. Ashley has mentioned her virginity 384675 times for every ONE time that Becca has spoken of it.

Meanwhile, back on the farm, Carly is rallying the other ladies to confront Kelsey... And let's clap it up for Kelsey's opinion of herself: "I get it. I’m blessed with eloquence and a big vocabulary. I use big words because I’m smart.”

Here's Part I of "The Best Defense is a Good Defense."
As much as Kelsey makes me want to claw my ears out, she responded VERY well to the confrontation. And by "well," I don't mean "she was vulnerable and took responsibility," I mean she literally handled herself well (enough). Examples of those who do NOT handle themselves well include, but are not limited to:

Love is a strong word... 

Maybe you'll be the next Bachelor.
Maybe I'll be the next Bachelor.
We don't know what the future holds...

And finally... For the win:

I CAN'T CONTROL MY EYEBROW. 

Kelsey didn't get super defensive - sure, she dropped the dead husband line, but haven't we all? Her eyes welled up, but she didn't start sobbing. Basically what I'm getting at is that the juiciest part of the whole charade was Carly's facial expressions, because Kelsey's reaction was contained enough that it didn't make for super dramatic television. So maybe what I'm getting at is "the best defense is to NOT FREAK OUT."

Back to Beccaville:
Grace: I like them together.
Johnny: I do too. They're both pretty and dumb. Although I do want to hear the jokes they’re laughing about…
Grace: I wouldn’t mind having them over for dinner. It’s not like their laughter is over inside jokes that no one would get. You’d be able to share whatever mediocre jokes they had at the dinner table… Their dinner company would get three stars on Yelp.

She got a rose. Nothing to write home about. Except to say that it would seem that Chris is the most likable version of himself when he's with her...

Group Date: Let's Sing...
(Or something)


Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, Megan

As Kaitlyn reads the date card, I announce to the LRPG: "Quick reminder for everyone: I am as skinny in my mind as Kaitlin is in real life."

So it's a singing date. The girls have to write songs for Chris and then perform them. Big and Rich are there.

Can we take a moment to observe how far we have come in Bachelornation? Does ANYONE remember how Jesse Csincsak sang that TERRIBLE song to DeAnna: "Please don't send me awaaaay, cause I'll cry on the plaaaane, DeAnna..."


...No? No one else watched that season??

My favorite moment of the date, and probably of this entire season so far, was when Big Kenny was making Jade run down the street (Johnny observed that she passed ONE lone person on her run) and he was yelling "FEEL THE FREEDOM. THIS IS DEADWOOD."
I suppose I shall break down my thoughts on each woman's song into brief notations:

- Britt literally wrote a haiku. Nothing more.
- We saw very little of Nashville Megan’s song. Although it sounded like a standard country song, so I'm betting she jotted down a few lines and then did shots with the interns. She's from Nashville, y'all. She had this in the bag.
- Also saw very little of Whitney’s song. Who I must say is growing on me, with each episode of her classiness.
- Very, very little idea of what the words were in Kaitlyn’s rap, but she killed it, as she seems to do with pretty much everything.
- LRPG would buy Carly’s album. If she isn't the next Bachelorette, I will QUIT (I won't.) Kaitlyn said that she wanted to be in love FOR Chris and Carly.
- LRPG has no clue what Jade said in her song. But we’re so proud of her.

Let us acknowledge that this is the SECOND time Carly has been robbed of a rose. Remember when she won the pig wrangling and she didn't get the rose? Or that time she CRUSHED IT on the singing date and... DIDN'T GET A ROSE?!

Britt got the rose, and Farming took her to the Big and Rich concert - cool. HOWEVER instead of the usual routine: girl gets rose, girl gets alone time with Bachelor and rejects go home to lick their wounds, Farming and Britt went to the concert WHILE THE OTHER GIRLS JUST SAT THERE.


Low rent, Farming.

Carolyn: Sure, Britt and Chris have chemistry. But they say NOTHING to one another. All she does is gasp. We don't even know anything about her.
Britt: It’s so special that Chris took me here because a lot of girls would be excited about Big and Rich, but –
Grace: I’ve never heard of Big and Rich, so I love this moment solely for Chris. And I get to be onstage. And the audience can't smell me from here.
Carolyn: I can’t see her at ALL without thinking… she smells. Like, she took the rose just now, and she smells. She’s dancing onstage and she smells. She. SMELLS!

It occurred to me that the group date rose can be a bit of a political move. It did good for NO ONE when that rose was given to Britt. It only made the girls resentful towards Britt and resentful towards Farming. Take Jade, for instance: she was probably already feeling that Chris wasn't such a stellar guy when he snuggled up with Britt RIGHT in front of her, and seeing him give the rose to her would only further solidify her instincts that he's a bit of a cad. Also, it's not like Britt NEEDED the rose. Sometimes the group date rose is given out as a consolation prize, to reassure the really insecure women that the Bachelor still wants them around, but this wasn't the case with Britt, nor has it ever been.

The Best Defense is a Good Defense, Part II:

Chris shouldn't have given Britt the rose and taken her to the show without telling the other girls. However, he did have a line of defense ready to go: "I didn't want the presence of the rose to make everybody feel uncomfortable."
This is a TERRIBLE excuse. However it IS an excuse, nonetheless. So Charming said his piece and was able to skate out of there pretty scot-free, leaving Britt in the lion's den. I'm pretty sure we saw every single girl shed tears after this moment, and I'm definitely sure that this is the first time we've seen tears from Kaitlyn. NOT YOUR BEST MOVE, FARMING.

To whom it may concern: don't worry, I am WELL aware that the past three paragraphs read like the closing of a persuasive essay for English 203. Do I wish I wrote persuasive remarks about things that were more worthwhile? Sure. But am I ok with it because it means that I'm entertaining you at work right now?

Nailed it. 

Two on One Date: Ashely and Kelsey

First things first: this was the Living Room Peanut Gallery, as we awaited the announcement of who was going to get the two-on-one date:

Please be Kelsey and Ashley, please be Kelsey and Ashley, please be Kelsey and Ashley... 

Honestly I was too ensconced in this train wreck of a date to take too many notes.

Quick shout-out for my all-time favorite two on one ever:

Guard and protect, y'all. 

ALSO a shout-out to my Tennessee Volunteer, Petyon, the reject of the two-on-one from Andy Baldwin's season (remember how Tessa and Andy flew off in a helicopter leaving Peyton alone on an aircraft carrier?) Even two on one dates have happy endings: Peyton went on to later marry my true love Cape Cod Chris. Take that! (Coming from a girl who would totally get the boot on a two-on-one, I thought you all should know)


Four things to say about this date;

1) WHY HAVEN’T GIRLS ON THIS SHOW (girls in life, in general) FIGURED OUT THAT TALKING BAD ABOUT OTHER GIRLS GETS YOU NO WHERE WITH A DUDE?!?! With girls, sure. SURE. But guys… Guys seriously panic whenever they hear a girl talking smack about another girl. Sean sent Jackie Parr home. Oof, he also sent Kacie B home that one time she thought she was playing her trump card by telling him she was "between a rock and a hard spot" about another girl on the show... Ben Flajnik sent home the smack talkers. Brad Womack sent home the smack talkers.When will womankind learn?!?!

2) Kelsey to Farming: “I hope you can trust that I’m the kind of woman that can be a wife because... I’ve been one.”

Was anyone else thinking THIS when she said that?

Am I alone, here?

3) Ashley talked smack about Kelsey. Chris told Kelsey that Ashely talked smack. THIS IS THE REAL HO-DOWN THROWDOWN, KIMMEL.And OHHHHH SNAP ASHLEY  DROPPED THE MASTER’S DEGREE CARD. For the record,  I can TOTALLY get behind this. I am ALL about this. She isn't combating with dress size or nationality, GIRL IS THROWING EDUCATION ON THE TABLE. (But yes, the mall still IS open on Sundays in Wayne, New Jersey) For anyone who was wondering, we're dealing with Syracuse vs UT Austin, here. Ashley got her Masters in Broadcast Journalism from the former, and it's unclear what Kelsey got her degree in, from UT Austin, although my internet research was VERY brief. The girls say a few more semi-catty remarks and Ashley stalks off to find Farming, throws a fit, he tells her she's going home, she stomps off, only to turn around and apologize for throwing a fit. I'll at least give her points for that one. 

4) And finally, Ashley threw down the trump card before Farming said his goodbyes:

And you think Britt wants the lifestyle you have to offer?





Can't wait for next week.