Monday, June 20, 2016


So I had the pleasure of watching with my parents, this week. Which is a throw back to the olden days, when 'twas a simpler time. And by "olden days," I mean: in middle and high school, if I had a late rehearsal, I would make my mom watch and take notes for me so I could stay caught up. Watching online became a thing when I was around a freshman in high school because I definitely remember locking myself in the library during a free period to watch Brad Womack dump BOTH DeAnna and Jenni... Big Daddy kept whining that he didn't want to watch tonight because he "only likes the cat fights...." I explained the ending of the last episode to him and how he needed to watch Chad confront the guys at the beginning of this episode, SO DAD, THERE IS GOING TO BE A CAT FIGHT. 

He reluctantly agreed and took a seat.

Just a few things to address before we begin: did you guys hear about Marcus and Lacey? I'm not calling anyone a prophet, here, but my friend Kimberly and I have been on the hunt with this one for MONTHS now. She texted me back around February about how they had been suspiciously absent from social media... We scoured their pages and comments (ok, Kimberly actually has a life - I scoured the pages and comments) and were very convinced that their marriage might have been a sham. (For those of you who are just joining us: this was a couple that got married on the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise last summer. Speaking of "just joining us:" quick shout out to the Sanders family. I'm pretty sure the burst of pride that a teacher feels when one of their students starts excelling in the classroom is the same pride I felt at hearing "We started watching the show because of your hilarious blog." My own father doesn't understand my love for this train wreck of a show, so I'm always DELIGHTED to hear of a fan, near or far.) BUT YOU GUYS, APPARENTLY MARCUS AND LACEY HAVE NOT ONLY SPLIT UP, THEIR MARRIAGE WAS NEVER REAL!

So is marriage, apparently. 


Ugh. Dudes playing guitars and chucking protein powder in the air and throwing cupcakes into people’s faces is EVERYTHING to me. I’m sorry to be a sexist, but girls doing this stuff just isn’t as funny to watch.

There was 100% ZERO point to Chad coming back and talking to the guys. Apparently Erectile Evan had done enough shots to have the courage to ask Chad to open his wallet, but that impulse was quickly squashed. Regardless: I cannot WAIT for Chad on Bachelor in Paradise.

Rose Ceremony:

Chase and those inflatable balls… Great... Next, please? Chase is smokin’ hott, buuuut... that’s pretty much it.

Robby and the fountain wish: I DO NOT care and CANNOT be bothered.

JoJo has learned that if she taps the outer corner of her eye after a potentially emotional moment, the audience will find her to be sympathetic. (Can I take a second to whine about her eyelashes? Who is doing the eyelashes this season? Because they are GARBAGE. RACHEL GALEY WHERE YOU AT??) I don't hate this poem from James F right now, but we all know he's going home. (Quick side note: I follow a high number of moms on Instagram. Sorry I'm not sorry. Therefore even more moms show up on my "Discover" pane, that I look at when I get bored. I saw a post from a mom on there that I babysit for here in LA and two of the first likes were from Grant and James F! I was about to text her and be like, "HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM TELL ME EVERYTHING" but then I realized... she used "#bachelorette" in her post, because it was her little sister's bachelorette party... So these poor dudes are trolling social media and hitting the like button in order to gain followers. Crazy Olivia from Ben's season liked one of my photos the other day that used "#BachelorNation." I dare you guys to try using one of those hashtags in a post and see what happens. Cause we all know if they get enough followers, they'll get paid to start peddling Flat Tummy Tea, soooooo....)

I’ve already spoken to Granny and Big Daddy about how I’m bringing James T. home to meet them. Big Daddy says he looks like a loser, but I keep telling him it's just the black eye. 

Good ole Jordan backed JoJo into a wall and laid one on her. Katie Bocksel shares my sentiment that Arie still holds the number one spot for a back-her-into-a-wall kiss, but Big Daddy was not impressed with this move: “Ewww. She is a slut. That black nail polish sucks."

Gran and Big Daddy were also delighted to see C. Harrison: “Oh there’s The Tool!” they both said.   
Fun fact: about ten years ago, we taught Big Daddy what the word “tool” meant by pointing him to Chris Harrison. "You know, he doesn't really have a job, but he's on hand to show up if he needs to? That's a tool."

During the rose ceremony, Big Daddy stood up and started walking out of the room. I said, "Dad, you need to sit back down. I need you to be here for me right now, I need you to support my life." 
BIG DADDY: You mean this isn't almost over?
GRACE: It's been on for fifteen minutes, of course it's not over. Sit down.
BIG DADDY: Well I need to use the toilet.
GRACE: Ok well you can't go until the commercial. And please don't say "use the toilet."  

Roses went to: Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, Sweet Baby James, and Erectile Evan

We said goodbye to: Daniel and James F. I'm sad that James had to go home after that poem. 
...but not that sad. 

BIG DADDY: Grace, The Bachelor makes you take an STD test before you go on there.
GRACE: I need you to stop reading facts from your iPhone and be present for this episode. 

JoJo spouts off some terrible couplet that one of the Bachelorette PAs was bullied into writing and they go to.... Uruguay. Which is close to Paraguay, Sweet Baby James informs us.

I love that Vinny has set up shop at the hotel. Literally. He set up a barber shop. He is scoring so many points with me right now. Also points to the Bachelorette PA that snuck in a copy of "In Touch Weekly."

And I equally love how convinced the guys are that In Touch is a legitimate magazine.

(ps - where was Vinny when Kaitlyn butchered Josh's hair, this time last year?)

One on One Date: Jordan

Ok, let me say a word about Jordan, here. About a year ago, I got really into studying body language. (I go through phases of things that I'm interested in; read a bunch of books, then move on. Current craze right now is graphology: the study of handwriting) I'M NOT AN EXPERT. I wouldn't study a picture of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez and give a definitive analysis to People Magazine. Seriously, someone did that once, and I remember thinking it was cool. Waaaaaaait for it... Here's the picture:
It's all in the eyes...

So reading body language is pretty much as straightforward as you'd think it is, but you learn lot of interesting things along the way. Like how to look for micro expressions and how to look for clusters of behavior (you can't usually read an isolated gesture. It should be accompanied by one or two more, in order to make a definitive call.) I seriously can't believe I'm going into all this right now BUT WHAT I'M GETTING AT is that I noticed several things about Jordan's behavior in his and and JoJo's conversation about his ex-girlfriend...

- Pursed lips: he was literally trying to keep himself from speaking
- Combing his hair: this is called a self-soothing or pacifying gesture: he is trying to keep himself calm
- Scratching his ears: more self-soothing.
- Biting his lips: staving off feelings of anxiety
(side note: the combing of the hair or scratching the neck or ears stimulates nerves which release oxytocin, which has a calming effect. It's an actual thing.)

OH AND NOW JORDAN IS DROPPING THE PASTOR CARD. Even Big Daddy can smell a rat, "He's just talking about his pastor so she'll like him." Thank you, Big Daddy.

Final comment: When JoJo brought up how he said he was falling in love with her, he rolled his eyes when he said "It's true." It was brief. This is what is referred to as a micro expression. If I hadn't been on high alert, I probably would have missed it. But seriously... who rolls their eyes about that stuff??

When confronting Jordan, JoJo tells us that she didn't "want to hear something that would hurt her." 

Way to go, girl. Way to JO. 

I am so bored by this falling out about her ex-boyfriend. We haven't seen an actual tear on her face, through this whole spiel. Oh wait, there's one. Vinny is also trying hard to cry...

Group Date: Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex

Big Daddy has taken to his ePhone (as he calls it) and is reading up, tossing out more facts. 
BIG DADDY: (reading from phone) Do you remember Jake Peeveekna?
GRACE: Dad, it's "Pavelka." 
BIG DADDY: There was a girl who got divorced before she came on his season....
GRACE: Her name was Tenley Molzahn.
BIG DADDY: What about a guy named Craig?
GRACE: He was on Ali Fedotowsky's season. 
BIG DADDY: How about-
GRANNY: Jim you should really just put a sock in it. She's obviously heard of them. Can't stump the chump. Please notice how I've been quiet this whole time cause you know how much Grace hates talking during her TV shows...


As the rain pours down on this group date, we see Derek start to implode. We see him suffering from first date syndrome. He gets a sympathy rose, but trust me, this is coming...

One on One Date: Robby 

I am so ROYALLY bored by Robby. He 100% does NOT look like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, right now. That is an abysmal comparison, JoJo. There is nothing spontaneous about him. A producer told him to convince her to jump. Otherwise NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD JUST JUMP OFF A CLIFF INTO POTENTIALLY ROCKY WATER. (shout out to this time last year when Cupcake was on a ledge...) Robby loves JoJo, allegedly. He has known her for... a month? I'm so torn. Because I say "I love you" all the time, everywhere, we've been over this:

So half of me gets it. And while we all know I could never be on this show because I wouldn't be able to wear a visor during the out door interviews, I just want to say that if I WERE on the show, it would take a lot more than three roses to garner an "I love you." That's it - it's not the amount of time that I find alarming, it's the amount of quality moments spent together (or lack thereof) that I find to be appalling.

Blah blah blahhh I'm so bored by these two. Robby's Mom cries at every movie. So does JoJo's. Know what else JoJo's mom does?

Nailed it. 

And you KNOW that Robby was high fiving himself in the bathroom as he concocted this speech where he tells her he loves her. He talked about the death of his best friend, how he doesn't want to hide anything from her...

Aaaaand then he did this:

I am DONE.

Derek pulls aside Robby, Jordan, Alex and Chase and tells them that they have a clique. So apparently the In Touch Weekly drama wasn't enough, the producer's had to drum up EVEN more, so they egged Derek into calling these guys out. I couldn't possibly care any less. Except I like how Wells remarked that it was a move of valor. Thank you for elevating the vocab level here, Wells Fargo. 

Dear Evan, you will never be a front runner. Love, America

Roses went to: Luke, Chase, Alex, James, and Wells

Said goodbye to Vinny, Erectile Evan and Grant

Vinny is the 100% best contestant alive for Bachelor in Paradise. Can't wait. Also can't wait for Chad at the Men Tell All....

If you're a bird, I'm a bird. 

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