Thursday, March 28, 2013

Riding Off Into the Sunset... ON AN ELEPHANT

I do not mean to flatter myself by implying that everyone was on the edge of their seats, waiting for my commentary on the finale. Or maybe the implication that more than .06 people read this blog. And yes, I do hate myself a little bit for what I’m about to do, in playing the card that is played by EVERY GIRL EVER on this show, who comes from below the Mason-Dixon line: y’all, I just can’t help my Southern upbringing, which guilts me into apologizing for the tardiness of this post, ‘cause it’s real rude to be late.

Where they don’t have The Bachelor. 
Or Facebook. 

And while the United flight over there had the entirety of Joe Jonas’ solo album for me to listen to, they didn’t have WiFi. 

But China does have this guy: 

So I watched the finale the night before I left and didn’t get a chance to post it before I entered Communist territory. ONWARD AND UPWARD:

I’m packing for China as I write this. That is not a joke.
I’m also watching this with my mother.

        I mean, I consider myself a heavy Movie Talker, but I most certainly learned it from this lady. I threatened to revoke her speaking privileges multiple times in the first fifteen minutes.

        She hasn’t seen any of this season, unless you count keeping up with the US Magazine covers, although she is not new to The Bachelor Franchise: in high school, before DVR existed (ok before it existed for the Douglas Family, anyway) she would watch the show and take notes for me, when I had late rehearsals. Whatta gal. She doesn’t actually know Hare’s name, she just knows him as “THE TOOL,” but she slowly warmed up to him last night, although she had many qualms with the man’s tie.
        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (
        And a final disclaimer: I shall refer to my mother as “Granny,” one of my father’s sick pet names for her that is utterly ill-fitting, yet totally perfect at the same time: the term “granny” calls to mind a wrinkled, sun-baked, cigarette-smoking, possibly-motorcycle-driving redneck. My mother is none of these. So the irony, coupled with her passionate protests against the nickname, make it hilarious.

Memorable Quotes:
- Granny: How can he be in love with two women at the same time?
- At one point Lindz asserted, “I am consumed by him.”
…For someone who is NOT articulate so much of the time, these are big words.
- Lindz tried to drag the truth out of Sean on their last night with a final plea, “I would just love to know what YOU’RE thinking.” To which he replied something exceedingly vague, which may as well have been, “Yeah but I signed a contract where I can’t say anything until my appearance on the live three-hour season finale and After The Final Rose, k?”
- Sean whined and wallowed in his indecision, whilst in Thailand: “I’m all by myself, here.” To which Granny retorted: “Certainly is a nice place to be all by yourself.”
- And finally, again, in a shocking turn of events, where Lindsay surprised us with her striking verbal clarity in a moment of deep rejection: “I’m gonna go, cause this is painful. And This is my nightmare. And I didn’t see it coming.” YIKESBIKES.

Questions We Have:
(These are all from Granny:)

- “How are they not sweating their asses off?”
- “Where are his shoes?” Sean appeared shoeless on SEVERAL occasions. Is it irreverent to wear shoes in Thailand?
- Granny: “Is he from Thailand?”
Grace: Do you think he’s from Thailand? Why would you ask that?
Granny: Well I didn’t know if they were missionaries. Like your Future Mr. Grace Douglas’s family, the Tebows. Why is the family there?

- Granny is LOVING Sean’s Dad’s yuk yuk jokes right now. Spoiler alert, Granny: Grace will NOT have a father-in-law who is full of these.
- Sean’s Dad asked Catherine, “Do you believe in the bachelor process? Do you believe it can happen?” These are both great questions. But the tone in which he asked them was indicative that the second was to reiterate the first. When in reality, these are two TOTALLY DIFFERENT QUESTIONS.
- Granny basically got out a notepad and started taking notes on the questions the parents were asking. I have no doubt she’s called Sherry and scheduled a date to go power walking. At the beginning of the segment, she asked, “How do we sign your brother up for this?” But as Sean took his Mama for a little stroll so she could cry it out, a weeping (no joke, the woman was crying) Granny said, “I would NEVER put Davey through that!” Too bad I’ve been sending his application in to Chris Harrison six times a day for the past six years.
- Instead of bringing out the oft over-used Bachelor Scrapbook/Dead Rose Petal Collection, Lindz pulled out a pile of white material, to which my dear friend Katie shouted, “I THOUGHT IT WAS THE WEDDING DRESS AND SHE WAS GOING TO BURN IT.” She proceeded to tell Sean that lighting the lanterns and making wishes were “a thing in Thailand.” Dear Lindz: These lanterns aren’t a ‘thing’ in Thailand, they are a tradition from a magical Disney movie we all call Tangled.
- I love that Catherine is as excited about riding the elephant as every other girl EVER is about riding a helicopter. And apparently she’s so tiny that holding her waist would stabilize NOTHING for Sean, and he has to hold her arms. Or his hands are so large and her waist is SO tiny and short, that he’d be grabbing her chest, if he tried to hang on any other way.
- About Cat, Granny went from, “I’m impressed with her honesty,” to “I really dig her honesty.” WE LOVE CAT’S HONESTY, OVER HERE
- At the LIVE THREE HOUR SEASON FINALE, when Sarah came on the screen I said, “Oh yeah. That’s the girl with one arm. Granny replied, “Well no, she has… one and a half.” Classic.

And finally, everyone’s favorite section: Highlighted Verbal Faux Pas:
While I nearly revoked Granny’s speaking privileges SEVERAL times throughout the night, she is my mother, and it should surprise no one that she’s just as big a grammar snob as I, so it was delightful to have nit-picky company throughout the show. My biggest beef was with Lindz, asking Sean’s dad “Can I have Sean’s hand in marriage?” First of all, WHAT A STUPID QUESTION. But secondly, Lindz, let me put it to you like you’d put it to your third graders: Are you asking Mr. Lowe if you’re physically capable of having Sean’s hand in marriage, or if you have his permission? MAY I have his hand in marriage. The lack of question mark at the end of that clause is intentional. Granny had a big problem with the TWO times Sean chose to say, “I think I could have a long marriage with both Lindsay and Catherine, at this point.” Is it a point of deep conflict for you, that you get along so well with BOTH of them, Seannie? No. the conflict lies in the fact that you could choose EITHER of them.

And fortunately, he only picked one. And if those two don’t get married and live happily ever after, I’ll just die. They are so cute that I could literally vomit.

However, my stomach is turned in a NOT pleasant way by Dez the Arnaz being the next Bachelorette. The only redeeming quality is that, while she wasn’t nearly in the leagues of aShLeE or Tiara, in terms of verbal faux pas, I have zero doubt that she’ll come out with a couple of classics, next season.

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