Tuesday, March 5, 2013

What Happens When You Don't Say "Good Morning"

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)

Ok new plan. I put my iPod on shuffle* and am assigning the first ten songs to our ten favorite ladiez. Don’t ask questions. Don’t judge.

- Sarah: “Too Good to Be True,” Eden’s Edge – “Before I knew it, my heartstrings unwound / I fell faster than a cannon ball; straight down…” I mean, not only did Sarah literally “fall” for Sean, off a building, but figuratively yes, the girl fell faster than a cannon ball…
- aShLeE” “If You Told Me To,” Hunter Hayes – “I’d run through the desert, I’d walk through the rain/ I could be so good at loving you, but only if you told me to…” I’m gonna let this song speak for itself.
- Dez: “Just Stay Here Tonight,” Augustana – “You’ll be the last one, picking up the pieces/you’ll be the last one, standing up strong…” This is going along with Hare’s assertion that Dez was Sean’s soul mate. Cause if Hare thought Dez was Sean’s soulmate, who are we to question their bond?
- Tiara: “Warning Sign,” Coldplay – “Come on in, I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in…” those were more or less the words Tiara said to Sean when he entered the mayhem in St. Croix, just before he sent her home. This is actually one of the most underrated/brilliant songs of Coldplay’s, and doesn’t fit Tiara at ALL, but that one line was too good to resist.
- Selma: “Kiss On My List,” Hall and Oates - …Because Selma’s kiss was not on Sean’s list of “the best things in life.”
- MyBestFriendLez: “It’s Too Late,” Tim Halperin & Haley Orrantia – MBFLesley and Sean will sing this to each other on the day of Lesley’s wedding, obviously. Sean will start with the serenade, “Your dress is white, his eyes are blue, just hope that he takes care of you, my love…”
Robyn: “Forget About Love,” Return of Jafar – “Love really is revolting: it’s even worse than when you’re molting…” If you never saw this movie then you can just stop reading right now. Robyn needed to forget about Tiara, but definitely forget about love with Sean…
- Catherine: “Little Things,” One Direction – I mean, Cat and Sean talk about their “little things” all the time, don’t they? No one seemed to tell One Direction that “you still have to squeeze into your jeans” is not exactly a winning line, but still, this song seemed fitting…
- Lindsay: “Merry Go Round,” Kacey Musgraves – “We get bored, so we get married…” WHY IS LINDSAY DYING TO SETTLE DOWN AT 12 24?
- “Miss Me,” Andy Grammer – I’m pretty sure Sean could sing this to Emily Maynard any day of the week. That is all.

        I actually didn’t even see all of last night, but the first half that I did see was so repetitive and un-worth it that I don’t even care what aShLeE had to say to Sean.

        I only have one question, followed by MANY memorable quotes and verbal faux pas…

        1) WHO SAID this dark-at-the-top/light-at-the-bottom hair was ok? Seriously, GIRLS. It looks like you had a scalp wound, had to put hydrogen peroxide on it and are now growing out your roots. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS OK. I understand that Giuliana Rancic made this a thing, but she should be punished for doing so.

        The next section can pretty much be split into Tiara and Hare, in terms of documenting memorable things that were said throughout the night. (Or the half of the night I watched)
        America’s favorite host showed a crack in that seemingly-flawless veneer last night, with his redundant concoction of “self-admittedly.” There is no ‘admitting’ that doesn’t involve the ‘self.’ Congrats, Hare: you are now in the leagues of Gretchen Weiners, and her use of “irregardless.”
        I’ve decided that I would like to see Jennifer Lawrence do an interview with Chris Harrison, because she seems capable of calling out a bad question when she sees it. I don’t even want to know what kind of blatantly obvious questions he asked aShLeE, but let’s talk about the time he posed THIS question to Sarah: “When you say ‘it’s always the same thing,’ from guys, what does that mean?”
        WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS, HARE? Digging the knife in isn’t even remotely interesting here, because any man, woman, boy, girl or DOG can answer this question. And is it just me, or were they going a bit overboard on Sarah being a “TOTAL FAN FAVORITE,” last night? I would argue that what “won over” America was Sarah’s candor with the “it’s always the same thing,” comment. Because who can’t relate to that? He did try and access America’s empathy for Tiara when he asked her, “Is this normal? Are you normally misunderstood like this?” Her answer was no.
…Well that was awkward.

And finally, Hare’s brilliant question about Tiara’s engagement: “How did this happen?”
Barbara Walters couldn’t have executed that question anymore beautifully. Someone give this man an Emmy…

        Tiara said a lot of things last night that made zero sense. Mostly it’s just her grammar and vocabulary that needs work. But perhaps one of her most bewildering lines was, “They judge me based off of what I look like, not all my morals I have, as well and the good family I come from…”

…Questions I have, in regards to this:
1) What kind of conclusions do people draw, in their judgment of your appearance? I would also like to take a moment to quote the late, great Oscar Wilde: “It is only shallow people who do not judge my appearances.” Just think about it. John Murdock, you may use that as your next Quote on Twitter. Quitter. Twote?
2) How are they supposed to know your morals, if you give them the stink eye and don’t say good morning, eh?
3) Don’t good families teach you to say “good morning” back? Cause the Douglas Family question of the day is “How did you sleep?” Roommates still think I’m weird, for asking this…

And finally, everyone’s favorite section, featuring the Best Of last night’s verbal faux pas. We’ll start with aShLeE and her phrase, “Bash on people.”

Unless this has been turned into a severe colloquialism without my knowledge, such as “hate on each other,” there is not preposition to soften the blow. People don’t get bashed on, they just get bashed. 

- “I light up in a room.”
…Do you light up in a room, or do you “light up a room”?

- "I can’t tell you what every day happened in the house.”
Tiara meant to use “every day” at the end of the sentence. But the way she said it last night, “every day” would have been a nonessential phrase… Which should have been set off by commas… Which should have induced pauses on either side of it.

-  “Sean and I’s connection”
I just… I’m not even going to dignify this with any attempt at commentary.

- “Ashlee kept pinpointing and poking.”
PICKING. Ashlee kept PICKING at you, Tiara.

- “Heavy on my chest.”
Heavy on my HEART.

- “She ganged up on me…”
I don’t even remember if this was the example phrase that Tiara used to say how “she was always wrong,” with the women, and if so: POOR CHOICE, TIARA. Because a single person cannot “gang up” upon another. This phrase literally has the word “gang” in it, which implies a plurality.

And finally, we shall close with a golden exchange between Tiara and Hare:

Tiara: Who cares about my eyebrow?
Hare: America cares.

*I said “shuffle.” That was a total lie. These are 10 songs from a playlist of about 15 songs on my “Shower Tunes” playlist. It is the only playlist on my iPod. This is because my iPod buttons don’t work, but it plays from the iHome, so I can still have shower tunes - the playlist is never very long because I can’t skip songs – I have to LOVE all the songs that are on there. I didn’t wanna waste anyone’s time by putting all of this extraneous information at the top, but I DO want to take ownership of the fact that I absolutely adore every single song in that list and refuse to apologize for things like One Direction and The Return of Jafar.

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