Let the Circus Begin....

Look, first things first: I'm still hung up about Nick and Vanessa's AFTR. They were more awkward than Emily and Brad and I refuse to be over it.

Also HELLO I AM MOVING TO DENVER BECAUSE BEN HIGGINS IS SINGLE, YOU GUYS. Seriously WHERE do I sign up.

For those of you that don't follow me on Instagram (I'm not peddling Fab Fit Fun boxes, don't worry) but you should check out my story before it disappears forever... Got some solid commentary from Big Daddy tonight.

Since I run everything like it’s a church service, let’s start with some announcements:

1) I’m watching from home this week – home in the heartland. Gran had a knee replacement so I came to help her convalesce. (ie: buy rich people guac from Whole Foods and watch NCIS: Los Angeles with her. Seriously – we’ve watched so many episodes.)

2) Saturday night was Bobby Moynihan’s last episode of SNL. So it was the final Drunk Uncle on Weekend Update. My feelings about it are as follows:

Gone but not forgotten. 

3) Anyone else as excited about Jim Comey’s upcoming testimony as I am?

Living for it.

4) Quick shout out about the latest new name for Bachelor in Paradise – y’all know my friend Kimberly that I sometimes rave about on here? Her mom, Barbara, was in town a few weeks ago and naturally she and I were discussing Nick Viall and Barbara goes “I mean Nick has been on so many shows! He was on Dancing with the Stars, The Bachelorette, The Bachelorette again, and then that show… Everybody In the Pool… So many shows!” Kimberly and I said… “Do you mean Bachelor in Paradise?” And she said “Well whatever it’s called, where they get everyone drunk and put them in the pool!”

….Touché.

INTRO:

We are greeted on the freshly watered driveway of the Bachelor Mansion, as Hare tells us that we’ve never seen an outpouring of love like they did for Rachel Lindsay… OMG HER STAGED COURT APPEARANCE IS SO BAD WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING. Delighted that Rachel got to bring her pup along for this ride. But what is going on with this cast on his leg? I love that she feels like she’s in the movie Clueless… while she’s driving a Tesla.

Cher had never heard of Nikola Tesla. 

Guy Intros:

Wrestler Kenny

Texas Attorney

Meathead Alex

Start Up Mohit – I feel GREAT about his Bollywood dancing.

Lucas Waboom – STAHP. (the producers must love this guy)

Personal Trainer Blake – so much sex!

Chicago Diggy – I hope to one day own as many Vibrams as he owns sneakers.

Prosecutor Josiah – When he goes “My name is Josiah, I’m a prosecutor…” Gran burst out laughing and goes “I thought he was gonna say ‘I’m a prostitute.’” 

At the Bachelor mansion, we see all of the girls who we needed to be reminded of before Everybody In the Pool this summer, Raven cries. Astrid really wants America to remember her. They won't. Sorry, 'Trid. 

GRAN: There's so much alcohol at these things!

GRACE: How else do you think they get a dude to run around with a bullhorn? 

Limo Exits:

- Peter: Whoaaaaa I LOVE Peter. He is SMOOOOOTH. 

- Josiah: nice blazer, brah. Came out with a legal joke. Not necessary. 

- Bryan: Bryan comes from Corinne's neck of the woods. Maybe they can shop for expensive clothes together. 

- Kenny: Oh I kind of liked his intro with the dance move. Charming. 

- Rob: Law student. Gran is really worried that he is taking time off of law school to do the show... 

- Iggy: Iggy was not wearing socks. 

- Bryce: Fire fighter. 

- Will: Steve Urkel - DON'T. 

- Diggy wants to teach her how to Diggy. DON'T. 

- Kyle - food in a basket? 

- Blake K - Thank you for your service, Blake. 

- Brady - male model. just had to "break the ice." Even Big Daddy wasn't into it:

He said they're all tools. 

- Dean: "once you go black-" DON'T. 

- Eric - Big Daddy didn't like the dancing 

- DeMario - still got those tickets in his coat pocket. He thinks he's going all the way. 

- Sex Guy Blake brought a marching band. And he loves sex. And he loves telling you how much he loves it. And he has bad puns. 

At this point, during a commercial, I finally allowed Granny and Big Daddy to speak. They are under strict orders not to speak during the show because I have to catch every word. I had to explain to BD what "Once you go black, you never go back" meant... It went about as well as you would think. 

-Fred: kind of love this dude that went to school with her. 

- Jonathan: his career is "Tickle Monster." Oy vey. 

- Lee: Lee has clearly never held a guitar in his life. (also obligatory shout out to my favorite guy from Ashley Herbert's season who came in playing the guitar, threw it in the pool and said "Just kidding, I totally don't play guitar..." She eliminated him that night! Whatta loss) 

- Alex: Alex had a vacum and I don't even know what he said. 

- I didn't get Polaroid guy's name. But I noticed that he shook Peter's hand and Peter is my favorite. 

- Adam: Brought Adam Jr. Coulda done without that. 

- Matt: Matt came out in a penguin suit and at that point, Big Daddy walked out of the room and put himself to bed. 

- Ambulance Guy: No.

-  Anthony: Wants to understand her? 

- Jamey: Just told her how ridiculous her dress was? 

- Jack Stone... is that a package deal on the name? 

- Jedidiah - ...is bringing out the Biblical references. 

- Michael: something poorly executed about a brownie? 

- Lucas: the only thing I have to say is that Rachel handled this guy like a CHAMPION. Also wonderful sidenote about the fact that I'm pretty sure that even this dude himself isn't sure of his brand. Like, Courtney Roberts knew she was the sultry villain on Ben Flajnik's season. Corinne was the ditzy, slutty villian last season... But what IS this guy? It's not even like "WaBoom" is a protein powder or something he can sell or anything (although there ARE t-shirts) and even though he was talked about on the radio and the late night circuits, it doesn't seem like he has much staying power if he's not actually selling anything. Stay tuned. 

I don't hate Josiah. Dean wants to build a sand castle with Rachel and I'm bored. But my first crush was named Dean, so I'm here for it. 

Can I just take a moment to mention all the smells that must plague The Bachelor and The Bachelorette in the premiere? Like, you're looking at an overload of perfume and aftershave, because everyone wants to make a memorable first impression, Then you get sweaty people because nerves are running high, which means that if someone doesn't smell so great, you will KNOW.  

I like Bryan. I don't know why Rachel has her arms crossed right now in this conversation with him. OHHHHH HE WENT IN FOR THE KISS! Preemptive, Bryan!!! Goodness. 

I love that Rachel was warned about DeMario but she's like, "Yeah, nah, I'm gonna decide for myself, no thanks." Also the dudes have now formed a LINE to talk to her. And now she's talking to Peter and Waboom is distracting them. And now Blake is already ready to call out Waboom. I don't care how crazy Waboom is, Blake is by far and away the WORST dude of this episode. 

First Impression Rose went to Miami Kisser Bryan. Meh. 

Roses went to: Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, , Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Blake, Lucas. 

Roses didn't go to... The law student, Mohit, Kyle, Blake, Milton and... some others? 

Oh also the Preds are going to the Stanley Cup. And as Donald Trump's nominee for Secretary of the Sports Games, I should probably be more enthused. 

Honestly if I lived in Nashville, I'd start a podcast where I'd make Big Daddy watch the show and then just get his opinion on all the guys. Especially because "Southern Baby Boomers" is a demographic that doesn't usually comment on this franchise. So excited for this season. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird.... 

YOU DANCING FOOL!

First things first (not to make it all about me, but to make it all about me) I had the most delightful birthday last week. Every single person made it so special and there were so many Bachelor references everywhere and I love every single thing about it. You guys are the MOST delightful. 

MOVING ON...

We open with Chris Harrison telling the live studio audience that Nick… is at a crossroads… at the end of his journey. I’m not a geographical expert... But I’m pretty sure these things don’t go together. Strong start, Hare.

Better question: Is Ivanka Trump in the audience? Is Tiffany Trump? Cause it sure looks like it. This is a sea of basic blondes.

I definitely have a problem with Chris Harrison telling us that “Nick has to choose between two beautiful women…” How about two incredible women? Two… wonderful women, even? COME ON, HARE.

Really quick, very real memo from the remote Living Room Peanut Gallery about meeting the family:

John and Shannon def don't cry that much tho

RAVEN MEETS THE PARENTS: 

I have no idea where in Finland they are, right now. I’ve never seen those letters together before. Not even crammed up in my mind when I’m pathetically trying to figure out Wheel of Fortune.

A few questions about the family dinner: dynamics aside, are they eating… chicken and… hollandaise sauce? What is Bella drinking? That is 100% a glass of red in her hand.

I love that Bachelor Nation has witnessed the entire maturation of Nick’s sister Bella. We have been watching her on national TV since she was three.

I also always forget that it’s so easy to see that Nick gets his waterworks from his Mama. Hey, I get it – DO NOT talk to Lou Douglas about the episode of NCIS when Ziva’s Dad died… And how she made me GOOGLE TRANSLATE what Tony said to Ziva after the funeral, while she was bawling. I swear she was crying for days.

I need to express my discontent with both Raven and Vanessa for their mascara jobs, on these dates. Those lashes are CLUMPY. Less is more, ladies!

I’m unmoved by Raven meeting his family. But clearly Nick and Raven did plenty of MOVING because they’re covered in snow as they say goodbye to each other right now… Why are they always rolling around? What is it with these two?

VANESSA MEETS THE PARENTS: 

I’m surprised that Vanessa wore cargo pants this outing to meet Nick's parents. Probably to hold all her emotional baggage.

We had to take a break because Johnny walked in… With a vase of roses. There are a couple ways to my heart, but relevant shoutouts to my favorite things are one of them:

JOHNNY: Did you know that today is international nap day? Fitting, during this guy’s season. HE’S A SNOOZER, DOUGLAS. A TURTLENECK-WEARING SNOOZER.

Vanessa meets his family, carrying all that emotional baggage... This moment between Vanessa and Papa Viall is kind of endearing. But I’m still mad about her clumpy mascara. EVEN BELLA’S MASCARA IS LESS CLUMPY.

Sidenote: I’m kind of disappointed in the quality of chairs that they have on the ground floor of this live taping right now…They are giving me C grade Church Basement chairs...  

FINAL DATES AS NICK'S GIRLFRIEND: (Their words, not mine) 

Honestly, if I were Vanessa and I saw the two horses, I’d be like, “Are we reenacting the final scene from The Revenant? EPICCC.”

...No? Am I the only one? Is this why I'm still single?

Vanessa is more excited to see Santa than she has been for anything else this season. I come to understand that Santa does, in fact, speak English, (although you know I love subtitles) except now I’m wondering if they dubbed over him, because we definitely can’t see his mouth.

SANTA: This gift is for you.…
JOHNNY: It’s “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac. On vinyl.

....instead it looked like something out of an eighth grade art class. (I mean, from one of the good art students, not from an eighth grade Grace Douglas art student....) 

I’m so upset that they talked Vanessa into doing this whole comparison of Santa Claus and love…

Mercy.

Did Nick just say that he doesn’t care how this turns out? I'm kind of too bored by their conversation to care. Vanessa's mascara job is a little better today, but still pretty clumpy. 

Vanessa tells Nick that she wants answers. She doesn’t want him to give her general responses… But has she actually asked him any questions? If I got a dollar every time Vanessa has said “Going into… this/today/the date…” I’d no longer be packing my lunch to eat at work everyday. (Totally kidding, I’ll always pack my lunch – CAN I GET AN AMEN, KATHERYN RUPERT?!) It seems like Vanessa just wants to know if Nick is gonna propose to her. Which is fair. But them going around in circles during this conversation right now is boring to me. 

OH NO SHE’S CRY KISSING. MAYDAAAAAY.  

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

Vanessa, if your gut is telling you to question things, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. Honestly. This is not difficult. But I’m glad that at least her still-kinda-clumpy mascara is waterproof. 

We are beginning the date with Raven and Johnny has JUST figured out that they are in Finland. 

JOHNNY: They’re in Finland?!
GRACE: Seriously WHERE did you think they were? 
JOHNNY: I dunno… Milwaukee? Minnesota? I don’t know…
GRACE: You thought there was a Santa not speaking in English in Minnesota? 
JOHNNY: Well I just thought it was some place really lame and cheesy! Look at them skating right now… Imagine if they skated straight into a Sixpence None the Richer concert. 

We all agree that Raven and Nick have chemistry… but we kind of wonder who WOULDN’T have chemistry with Raven, because she’s so charming and silly. Vanessa is just so... difficult, it seems. 

THESE HUSKY PUPPIES ARE EVERYTHING DON’T EVEN TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW. 

Raven definitely does a better job of asking Nick ACTUAL questions than Vanessa does. And while I’m thinking about Vanessa… Where was her post-season gift for Nick? Where is Raven’s gift for Nick? What is this show right now? Looks like he just tried to take a bite of Raven's hand. Probably in aggression that she didn’t give her a gift. Sheesh. 

We took about twenty minutes to pause, rewind, pause and rewind again to observe the studio audience. Did you guys see the girl in the polka dotted dress that looked directly at the camera with intention? 

TWO THUMBS WAY, WAY UP. 

We are getting a full on Neil Lane infomercial right now. QUICK ANNUAL REMINDER: I don’t want a big rock, ok? Don’t let him give me a big rock! #FatFingers

Glad that Raven is in a floor length fur coat. Know what we call that in my family? My great grandmother had a mink coat and Davey, who was 2 years old at the time, toddled up to it, gave it a pat and declared “kitty!” So Raven is wearing a kitty.

Johnny points out that we need to acknowledge that no final rose ceremony location will compare to the one in Farmer Chris’s serial killer barn… Althought this rose ceremony room definitely provided the Lapland Michael's with the most business that they’ve had in YEARS. Johnny summarized it best as “Get all the dead things in Finland that you can and stick them in a room.”

Raven starts her spiel… And everyone is cringing. Honestly, if I started giving my spiel, I’d look at him, read his reaction and be like, “Oh, it’s not me, is it? Should I go?” Also let’s acknowledge how much makeup Nick is wearing right now? Goodness.

Oh she knows. Raven knows. And we see that she knows. You know what? Let’s clap it up for Ray-van because her mascara has FINALLY gotten itself together on her face. Nick tells her he’s going to miss her and she pulls a Han Solo and says “I know.” She then proceeded to walk out the door without her kitty. Brrrrr. But what a classy broad.

In the rejection limo Rayven asks “Why even look for love if it’s not possible?” SHE IS TWENTY FIVE.

Now all I can think about as Nick starts his spiel to Vanessa is… “Why doesn’t she have to give him a spiel first?” Also why has Nick been fighting falling in love with Vanessa? (I don’t know why I put that first question in quotations, but I’m letting it happen) Has there ever been so much crying at a rose ceremony? Well… aside from JoJo. But that was a single-handed delivery, on her part. We also can’t figure out why Nick has to pick up these women so much… Does he need to prove he can carry them? Mercy. 

Here are a few thoughts on Nick: I loved him on Andi's season. I loved him on Kaitlyn's season. I loved him on Bachelor In Paradise. I think he's one of the more interesting humans to be on the show - COMPARATIVELY, ok? Think about Marine Alex from JoJo's season... Or Jared from Kaitlyn's season... THEY NEVER SAID ANYTHING INTERESTING. (I don't care how much Ashley I wants to cry her eyes out about Jared. He's dull. And the poem he wrote for Kaitlyn was terrible.) So I guess I mostly liked Nick cause he was interesting.But then he suffered from that Bachelor overexposure, where watching him becomes, "If I have to hear him analyze one more emotion, I'm gonna pull my hair out..." It doesn't help that he's a pretty analytical, in-his-head kind of guy, and let's face it: hearing someone parse their own emotions night after night gets kind of dull.

And finally: who's to say why he did the show. I don't know him. I can't rule whether he was in it for (literally) Love or Money. (Did anyone ever watch that show on NBC? Cause it was so good) The only thing I have to say about him being in it for the money is: HE IS THIRTY SIX! Why doesn't he even have a real job? Why hasn't he been able to find love? Basically what I'm saying is that Nick's life stresses me out almost as much as the Super Bowl Halftime show, right now...

After The Final Rose:

So Nick sits down with Hare... Anyone else thing that it wasn’t AT ALL convincing when Nick said “Yeah… Things are good?” This is weird.

Raven has opted to wear a nightgown, tonight. But she definitely got a spray tan. And her hair looks immaculate. And without ANY hesitation, she agrees to do BIP. Great. I bet she'll have some delightful one-liners...

Then Vanessa comes out... In a terrible 1994 Homecoming dress from Dillard's. Honestly, I respect that she didn’t watch the fantasy suites… Cause that’s not how I roll. But more power to her, for being able to resist the temptation to know how those dates went...

Guys… Vanessa and Nick are going to break up so fast. I haven’t seen a couple this tense since Brad Womack and Emily Maynard. He definitely doesn’t have his arm around her. They’re kind of holding hands, but they’re really not sitting that close together. Their bodies aren't even touching! So many pursed lips from both of them. They’re both touching their faces WAY more than the contestants usually do at this point – this is a self-soothing gesture that people do when they’re uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure he’s fiddling with his tie right now. Goodness. BODY LANGUAGE IS EVERYTHING, PEOPLE.

THANK GOODNESS RACHEL IS COMING OUT TO SAVE THE DAY. WHEW! 

Loving her jumpsuit right now. At this point, Johnny and I are getting in an aggressive argument about whether or not Chris Harrison’s tie matches his pocket square. I think they’re the same. Johnny thinks they’re not. Then he got nasty: “It’s JUST close enough that PEOPLE LIKE YOU will think they’re the same. But they’re different.” I then consulted Bachelor designer Cary Fetman, found out it was a Mimi Fong tie, but no word on the pocket squares… You guys have any thoughts?

OMG BRINGING OUT THESE GUYS RIGHT NOW I’M NOT READY WHAT IS HAPPENING??!

DeMario – NO.

Blake – NO. (Blake is a terrible combo of Farmer Chris and Swimmer Woman Robby)

Dean – best so far, but like… still a baby. OMG WAIT I TAKE IT ALL BACK "READY TO GO BLACK?!?!?!" HE WENT THERE. Oh my goodness.

Ok wait what was that fourth guy’s name? We love him.

I'M SO EXCITED FOR HER SEASON ALREADY BUT WE HAVE TO WAIT A WHOLE MONTH AND A HALF!! 

Predictions on how long Vick will last? (Vick? Nessa? Nanessa? Eh?) Will they split before the season premiere of Rachel's show? I can't wait. 

Until then, 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Want Me To Call You St. Nick?

First things first: my birthday is Friday. Please send all the cookies. Thx.

Secondly, I need to get something off my chest… Obviously this is L.A. and there are movie and TV posters everywhere… I’ve been seeing King Kong posters (comes out on my birthday, by the way)… and this whole time, I’ve been VERY legitimately convinced that they were posters advertising... Godzilla. I thought it was a Godzilla sequel. Until I tried to google “Godzilla sequel” and couldn’t find one that came out on March 10. Just needed you guys to know.

OMG Raven!!! We’re already off to such an intense start. This poor girl. Ok, let’s talk for a brief moment about editing: all this stuff where Raven is bouncing around Finland, petting dogs and looking all jazzed? They totally shot that BEFORE her date with Nick. That footage, plus the music, plus her ONE soundbite of saying that Nick is good at what- OH HONESTLY I CAN’T EVEN REPEAT IT BECAUSE WHERE IS YOUR DIGNITY, RAVEN?! YOUR FATHER IS WATCHING THIS!! But anyway: the combination of those three things tells us quite a specific story, no?

RACHEL: 

Rachel and Nick are “trying out some new adventures together and there’s something exciting and romantic about…” feeding reindeer. Her words, not mine. Carolyn was floored that they went cross country skiing: “Seriously if he picked me for that date, I would send myself home immediately.” Honestly Nick and Rachel are more of a couple than anyone else on this season. We also know that they don’t end up together, so basically what I’m saying is that there is no hope for anyone, least of all Nick. And they obviously didn’t get an appearance release from the Sleigh ride Driver and had to awkwardly cut around him and we never saw anyone driving the sleigh.

Post sleigh ride, Nick raises a toast: “Here’s to those moments when you’re willing to be vulnerable.” I really don’t have much affection for Nick this season, but I do like those words. Wait, speaking of words… Did Rachel say “I’m terrible with words” just now? You have a juris doctor degree, RACHEL. YOU ARE A DOCTOR OF LAWS. PULL YOUR LEXICON TOGETHER, WOMAN.

Nice onesie, though.

Ugh. I needed Nick to make her French Toast for breakfast, for my fantasy league points. Remember how he told Danielle M that he made great French Toast? I was banking on that!!


VANESSA:

CAROLYN: Why do they all wear the dumbest hats?

VANESSA: I love it here!

CAROLYN: Do you? It’s a literal TUNDRA.

The producers are LOVING the word play on this date. “Our physical chemistry is on fire, so we need to cool it down a bit…” etc.

DO NOT.

Ok them creeping out of the ice bath IS kind of hilarious. I love that they’re turning this ice bath challenge into the two of them facing emotional mountains together. IT’S AN ICE BATH, NOT CHARITY WORK IN A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY. But shout-out to Vanessa rocking that one piece, because you could not pay me TEN MILLION DOLLARS to wear that thang on national TV.

Nick keeps his pinky up as he sips his drank and tells Vanessa that he doesn’t want to eat dinner with her family every Sunday. I don’t understand this conversation. I think Nick is euphemizing the fact that Vanessa has dinner with her family every Sunday as “you are traditional.” Because she’s smart and articulate, she takes it to mean something deeper than that, so there’s some awkward tension due to this miscommunication. Also… isn’t Nick super close to his family? Doesn’t that make this whole thing kind of weird?

Nick is proud to be an American.

....pretty sure this episode was filmed before the election.

They kind of talk in circles and compromise on nothing, and now the date is over. I wonder if I’d be friends with Vanessa. I think it would be pretty black and white; either we’d be besties or I’d never want to hang out with her.

ROSE CEREMONY:

Well… Two minutes in and Nick is already crying. Please let the record show: I don’t think that’s a BAD thing, I just thing it’s a thing.

Roses went to: Raven and Vanessa.

If I was OBVIOUSLY the last girl standing (like Rachel is now) and Chris Harrison came in to say “Rachel I’m sorry, take a moment, say your goodbyes” I would put up my hand and holler:

Rachel is giving us some SERIOUS mascara tears right now. I’m here for it.

But also like... This is Rachel, after this episode

WTA:
Ugh. This is one of my season favorites, you guys.

The back row is officially the most forgettable girls of the season. Except for Alexis. Glad she admitted that gills mean that costume is a shark. That poor Production Assistant probably told her mom she was gonna be on national TV when they told her she had to sit in the audience wearing that thing.

Chris Harrison absolutely cannot control these women. I love it. He even whistles at one point. This is great.

Carolyn and I are very concerned about everything that is going on with Josephine’s attire. There is dark lipstick. There is yellow velvet. It is all so very much.

Seriously who is this chick in the back that is asserting her minor in psychology? Then Danielle stands up for the fact that Taylor got her Master’s, before readjusting her boob tape, and someone hollers “having a master’s degree doesn’t give you the right to bully someone!” Bless.

We hear a sound bite of Nick saying “The more I talk to Liz, the less she makes sense…” Which is a very good way to describe everything that was Liz on this show. Now she’s telling us that she was trying to get over someone else right after she hooked up with Nick, which is why she didn't pursue him… Why didn’t she tell Nick that? She gave an oddly impassioned speech (I say "oddly" because this is the Women Tell All, not Viola Davis accepting an Academy Award) and I love how Hare says “I love your perspective… how are you different now?” I think this female empowerment thing is kind of cool, but ultimately really hypocritical, because the girls basically undid everything by subsequently stoking the Corinne/Taylor flames... I’m not saying we should just blindly support all women ever because they are women, but tearing other women down does ABSOLUTELY nothing for anyone.

During this Corinne and Taylor bit, all I can think about how Corinne’s hair is a MESS. Also I can’t believe that Taylor is 23. Mercy.

This Taylor Corinne exchange:

Neither girl has a solid argument, so there’s no point to this.

I love that they show the Corinne Highlight Reel and then Chris says “When you watch that, what do you think?” She claimed that she had an “anxiety attack” on the night of the rose ceremony…

"Anxiety Attack"

I’m really bummed that Corinne’s hair extensions are curled tonight, but not her bangs.

Corinne’s rhetoric deeply reminds me of a certain candidate for president, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m still stressed about her sun spots. She just tells Taylor “Yes, right now, I held a grudge to you…” Ugh. Sentence structure, y’all. Loving the cheese pasta handout, though. She totally didn't plan that herself, but I always advocate for warm, simple carbs. Everyone needs some cheese pasta in their life. (Carolyn and I had some tonight. As we do every Monday night. For which we will NEVER apologize.)

Davey and Buck crapped out after Corinne (they text me updates from the east coast). Carolyn went to bed after Taylor. I am now a lone wolf watching the Women Tell All and this will never NOT be my favorite show on network television.

Loving Kristina’s lighter hair right now. She is heavily made up tonight, but not as heavily as some of the other girls. There is a LOT of make up and contouring happening in those seats tonight. Danielle M has opted for a low makeup look, of which I will ALWAYS be a fan, but her silver hair is NOT doing it for me...

YAS, LIZ, YAS! “AS WOMEN WE SHOULD BE BUILDING EACH OTHER UP!” 

THERE IT IS.

Hare's delivery of “you had your heart ripped out” is pretty delightful. Add that to your reel, Hare.

At this point, Bryan walked in the apartment with a bag from McDonald’s, but he doesn’t eat French Fries, so I can’t be bothered. We then proceeded to mimic Danielle L’s crying noises for the next ten minutes. 

I like that Dominique calls Nick out on running away from the things that he allegedly wants (I also dig her eyeshadow)

So stoked for Rachel's season. Bless. Finale next week, you guys. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

He Prayed for an Easy Love...

So I had to work late tonight. And while waiting on some things to finish up, I turned on the TV in the kitchen. Don't try and stop me, America. I WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH COMMENTARY, MY DEAR FRIENDS. I caught the janitor up on the entire season in about four minutes.

Quick thoughts on the Oscars last night:

- Um, round of applause for Sara Bareilles. That song was outstanding and her performance was so moving. Goodness.

- Of COURSE Viola looked amazing. She never DOESN'T look amazing, but shoutout to Joanna Natasegara for a) the documentary but b) I'm in love with that dress.

I love a good train. And Selma Hayek's face is amazing in this one. 

- ONCE AGAIN, like with the Super Bowl, I was ready to turn off the TV when they announced Best Picture... This screen grab sums up the whole thing pretty well:

Wouldn't wanna work at PWC today...

- And finally, a word on Casey Affleck. I've read a lot of articles, but this is the most concise and informative one I've come across in the past 24 hours. 

https://www.bustle.com/p/what-casey-afflecks-oscar-win-tells-us-about-men-in-positions-of-power-40870

Ok here we go...
I miss Andi. And I miss Andi and Nick. I feel like she has a little too much collagen on her lips, but I'm here for it. Live your best life, Dorfman. There was zero point to this little visit, it was kind of overproduced, but whatever

Rose Ceremony: Corinne's crying is epic. She already had snot on her face before he called Vanessa's name. And like, she has moisture on her face... and is making sounds... but still is 100% not crying. She is gonna be MONEY on Bachelor in Paradise. Also what is she WEARING?! The best I heard from remote LRPG member Buck was "a fur coat one piece bathing suit," and I don't disagree. Nick putting her in the limo right now is the same as him putting Bella in the car to send her tearfully off to summer camp. So stoked for her summer in Mexico.

Moving onto Finland: 

You guys, I am so floored by Raven's admission... ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

Are you kidding me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I am incensed. ENRAGED. Hike up your bloomers, step over the muddy stream and MOVE ON, RAVEN. There is no need to slosh around in this swampy deluge right now Raven, you are a LADY!! 

Look, all power to my ladies. Live your life. Learn the things. Figure it out. BUT DON'T DRAG IT ALL AROUND ON NATIONAL TV. Lord have mercy! 

I am a fan of Raven's low made up look, today. As they schlep around... Finland. Nick says being with Raven makes him feel a little "crazy in a good way"

...probably because she stabbed her ex with a stiletto. But who's counting?

​I'm also very in favor of this steaming vs. ironing conversation, especially in light of my Monday night last week - I had been a HUGE advocate of the steamer up until JUST last week. Stay tuned.

Interesting that Raven just assumes that she has to have sex with Nick tonight... ​JUST an observation.

This turtleneck that Nick has opted to wear at dinner is a lot for me. I'm also concerned that they are having to discuss their favorite parts of the day at dinner. Because that's what we did at.... family dinner when I was seven.

Oh no. Now she's talking about what her dad prayed for... (Also I don't know how I feel about the fact that her dad praying for "an easy love?" I'm pretty sure Big Daddy's prayers for me have NEVER featured the word "easy.") Nick says it is the best love profession he's ever heard of. Really, Nick? Really? It is? It's the BEST one? Fortunately the Future Mr. Grace Douglas has a LOT more than THAT to which he may look forward...  (yes I AM accepting applications for the highly coveted Mr. Grace Douglas Award right now...)

Whew. What a short night. We get three hours of this next week. 

Until then... if you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

CorinneIt To Win It

I don't want to toot my own horn (toooooot!) but:

Please let me apologize from the outset, because my fancy lifestyle might make some of you uncomfortable. Today I left work while it was still light outside, came home and IRONED, (we don't have an ironing board so I ironed on my bed. Whatever) and then Johnny came over and we MADE DINNER. Do you know the last time I made dinner? Neither do I. We made soup. He was worried he'd spill it on the couch. I said "There's an app for that" and handed him a tray.

We watched the end of Wheel a Fortune and decided that we are literal 80 year olds. He said "This is what 80 year olds do. Eat off of trays and watch Pat and Vanna. 

We pick up where we left off, in Bikini Bahamas, with the girls all chewing on their nails about what Nick is going to do. 

JOHNNY: Why does Rachel look so made up?

GRACE: She was just on a date. Why is Corinne wearing half a jacket in her interview right now? 

JOHNNY: You told me you do that at work all the time. 

GRACE: Fair. I do. (sometimes I'm both cold and hot at work, don't judge me) 

RAVEN: 

Special shout out to my east coast updates about this date:

I think it's time to unearth a little known reality TV factoid: Carolyn Murdock once starred on an episode of "Sex Sent Me to the ER." The episode was BASICALLY what is happening while they're mudding right now. They ended up in the ER.

Honestly, I was pretty impressed with the Raven's brother's acting skills. I didn't for a second believe that it wasn't a total ruse, but he wasn't a total wad of contrived cheese as he asked for their ID.

We love Raven's family. Johnny asked, "Is it always this sweet? Cause I'm kind of touched right now. I blame it on the fact that I saw Lion earlier today." Things got super intense when Raven told her dad that no man would walk her down the aisle. Eeesh. We're also pretty convinced that they're not in The actual family home of Raven. I pointed this out to Johnny and he agreed. "This is not a Hoxie Home. But I love those uneven Target/Ikea background art pieces happening on the wall..." Anyone else see that monogram outside the household? Cause it looked like there was a G in the middle of it. Raven's last name starts with a C. 

RACHEL:

Rachel took Nick to church. I am DYING to know whether this was on a Sunday or not. Because I would absolutely not put it past the producers to tell Rachel, "Call up your church and tell them to have a service that we can show! That'd be great!" That is HOW IT GOES. Also, I feel like the fact that her Dad isn't available due to work concerns... Isn't he a judge? Judges don't work on Sunday. This is confirmed by Johnny, son of a judge.  

Also shout out to the family getting real with their observations: "I noticed you're a white." Let's lay our observations on the table, guys. 

CORINNE: 

I love that all the retail people know Corinne. The same thing would happen if you went into Jewish delis and grocery stores in Los Angeles with me. 

NICK: I might have to get another job if I end up with Corinne. 

JOHNNY: What's his job again? This? 

GRACE: This. Definitely This. And that Nair sponsorship for which he is gunning... 

Shoutout to Miami, Florida for hosting four of the warmest and most wonderful years of my life. 

But seriously what is up with Corinne and her dad lounging on this bed right now? It is very incestuous and Roman Banquet-y and I'm not into it. 

Raquel is having ZERO shenanigans. She is asking all the tough questions. Johnny is ready for Raquel to take over for Chris Harrison. Although we're a little worried about Raquel's health. She seems pretty frail. 

CORINNE'S DAD: This is 15 year old, single malt... 

JOHNNY: Single malt what?  

GRACE: Urine. 

Corinne's Dad is DRUUUUNK right now. Seems to run in the family:

Did you like my olive? DID YOU?!

Of course there are cords. Plugged into the antenna. I will NEVER pay for cable. 

Johnny posed the question: "Do you think Nick will be engaged at the end of this?" Which kind of begets an interesting notion. Because if you think about previous seasons: On Kaitlyn's season, it seemed like she had been dating Nick and Shawn the longest. It seemed like she had actual relationships with them. On Ben's season, it seemed like he'd been with JoJo the longest. JoJo and seemed like she'd been with Jordan the longest - it seemed like all of these people were in legitimate relationships, way moreso than the other contestants. On this season, it doesn't seem like Nick has been in a relationship with ANY of the girls.. It's kind of weird. We KIND OF got a glimpse of him seeming friendly with Rachel at the dinner table with her family, but for the most part, it seems like he still barely knows these girls... So weird. 

VANESSA:

Honestly all I care about Nick and Vanessa going to Canada is... Is Justin Trudeau going to be there to greet Nick? Because that is ALL that matters. Justin Trudeau is LIFE. 

Guys... I'm not ready to talk about Vanessa's IMDB page, just yet. Emotionally, I'm JUST. NOT. Stay tuned.

This is the happiest that Nick has ever seemed on this season. Maybe ever. 

Someone told us that this was "what Sunday lunch looked like..." So this is Sunday. Which means it wasn't Sunday when Rachel went to church. Which means the church was a set up. I'm JUST keeping score, over here. 

Nick gets totally cornered about the fact that he and Vanessa have absolutely ZERO future plans. Her sister is NOT having any of it. 

Another running theme: No one knows what Nick's job is, or will be, or where he lives. 

And then we hear that Vanessa's mother is concerned about "picking up the pieces" of Vanessa's heartbreak. I wonder what kind of fall out of a breakup that entails... Is she a stay-in-bed type of recovery girl, or a eat-all-the-cookies type? Obviously we all know mine. 

I like Vanessa's relationship with her family. I also like that she chooses the word "awkward" to describe her dad, in fear for Nick. Not :my dad can be intimidating, I hope Nick can hold his own." or he can be "daunting" or "tough." She chose "awkward." Nick tells Vanessa's dad that he was drawn to Vanessa's "vibe." You know who WOULDN'T be satisfied with that answer? The same man who is satisfied with denim on denim, and was satisfied with it before it was cool. 

And probs also Mimi. 

I love how her Dad is NOT having it. He wants to know who else's permission Nick has asked. This is amazing. 

May we talk about Nick's strange rhetoric whilst asking for the parent's blessing and saying things like, "How would you feel, as we, IF TWO ADULTS, made a decision AND SHE WAS HAPPY... How would you feel if I proposed to her?" It's like with the "adults" line, he is trying to reassure them that there is consent. So weird. 

Thank God Andi is back. Love her. She is so pretty. So excited for next week. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird. 

Toothless Sharks and Other Wonders...

Tonight has been such a weird night and we haven’t even started watching, yet. Bryan roped me into watching the end of the Kansas v West Virginia game – Kansas came back from a serious point deficit (I actually don’t know if it’s called “point deficit,” but they were down by like, 15, with 2 minutes to go) came back and tied it up and sent it into overtime. Then just as it was going into overtime, we got the memo that Mike Flynn stepped down. All while the Kansas arena is trying to set some kind of noise level record, so everyone is SCREAMING. It was so many things at once. Kansas won the game. I haven't even watched a basketball game in years, but this game got me like:

Mercy. 

ALSO: Time to remark about how Johnny and I had filet then went and saw Fifty Shades Darker last night. It was just as hilariously awful as we thought it would be, but in addition to the horrible acting and direction, it's worth noting that it bears the honor of actually having ZERO plot. It was kind of astonishing, really. Like, I couldn't even write a 3rd grade book report on it right now, because there was no beginning, middle, or end. There was no rising action, climax, or falling action. Truly, if I were being quizzed and comprehension and asked something like "What was the climax?" I genuinely would not have an answer. It's probably also worth noting that this was our fourth annual Valentine's Day yummy dinner and a terrible movie. The combined scores of the four movies we've seen equals... 46. That's 46% out of 400. An average rating of 11.5% for each movie. (And yes, there was room for innuendo twice in that paragraph, but I can't even give the story that much dignity).

But of COURSE there was ice cream. 

Tonight's Living Room Peanut Gallery: Carolyn, Mac, and Bryan. 

Ok so we open with Raven recapping the night’s events while wearing way too much mascara. For all the talk of Raven being the next Bachelorette, you guys, she is a CHILD. Carolyn also points out that there is also something going on with Chris Harrison’s face in his mano e mano with Nick right now… Rosacea? Sun burn? Get a grip, Hare.

I see that Nick is still opting for the short shorts. Is he trying to become a spokesman for Nair? Does he want to peddle Nair on Instagram instead of a Fab Fit Fun box? Is that what’s going on?

As Nick Is talking to the girls before they pack for Bimini, I can't help but notice that Corinne's skin looks PARCHED. Vanessa and Danielle M are winning the skincare game right now. AND YOU KNOW THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT PARCHED SKIN:

CAROLYN: (reading from phone) Grace, put this on your blog. My mom just texted me: “NICK SURE DOES BLUBBER A LOT.” 

She's not wrong. 

Ugh. Danielle L’s plug for “Resorts World Bimini” was REALLY pathetic. I swear it's like these girls have never seen a decorative throw rug in thier lives...

One on One: Vanessa
VANESSA: I’ve never been on a boat before.
MACK: Can you pull up her Instagram? ‘Cause I feel like we can definitely prove that she’s been on a boat before.

Would that other sources in our lives could vet facts like that…

This abandoned ship is pretty cool. But I’m definitely worried about them getting too much sun.

VANESSA: I’m falling in love with you.
NICK: I’ve been in love before. I really like you. 

VANESSA:

Group date: 

Corinne, Kristina, Raven

Corinne tells us she is going to steal the show on this group date. I can’t wait. 

NARRATOR: She didn't. 

(Jk there's not a narrator but yes I totally pretend like Ron Howard is narrating my life, most days)

Look, I’m all about sunscreen. You guys know that. But KRISTINA I COULD’VE DONE WITHOUT THIS BIT. Her inner thigh, Nick? Mercy!

Ok but with what kind of sharks were they swimming? I feel like we never got a solid answer on that. Cause it clearly wasn't jaws, but they didn't look like baby minnow sharks. What kind of insurance certificates did they have to have for this place?

Loving these Myrtle Beach Wings beach towels they’re wearing. I love a good discount beach store.

Corinne is somehow PLASTERED by the time they get to the evening portion. Her eyes are shutting right in front of us.

I don't even know to whom he is speaking right now, but Nick is crying again. Honestly no man has cried as much on screen since Jude Law in The Holiday. 

The Bachelor Fantasy League had us guess how many times Nick would cry tonight. The most they had was 3. I'm pretty sure it was double that by the end of the episode. 

Anyone ever heard of this Adam Freeman guy? He’s cute but he’s… three feet tall. Ok wait I kind of like this song. Good thing Johnny isn’t here cause he would obliterate me for saying that. Shout out to that one dude that sang on Clair and Juan Pablo's date, whose name I still didn't even have right, by the end of the season... 

One on One: Danielle

I am so bored by Danielle M. What are these bamboo koozie things they have wrapped around the beer bottles? Is it to cover up the logo? That is seriously the biggest mystery to me. 

Meanwhile, back on the farm: 
Corinne tells us: “I’d live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick. Who am I?” Seriously, that's the best she could come up with? Personally I'd go with "I'd live in the Venice Canals without cookies for Ben Higgins"

I don’t even know where to begin with Corinne's sexcapade attempt. But I think the crux of what happened is: Corinne anxious about getting a rose. She believes she has ONLY ONE asset which can secure her the rose. I think that is very broken and sad. 

Ok but also one has to wonder how she managed to completely disregard the automatic doors that opened up for her, before going through the manual door of the hotel entrance. For someone who has been fed with a silver spoon all her life, this doesn't make much sense...

One on One: Rachel
Nick tries to tactfully ask Rachel if she’s ever brought home a white guy before… And Rachel picks up on the cue and diplomatically answers. Point Rachel.

The islander offers “You make sure this guy needs you, not just wants you." And I'm here for that one. And let's be real: America is already over Nick and Rachel, THEY'RE READY FOR RACHEL TO FIND LOVE AS THE NEW BACHELORETTE (but I seriously WILL NOT believe it until I hear it come out of her mouth)

Corinne proceeds to tell us that she's freaking out. She even gives herself fake hand shakes. Mercy. She asserts:  “He could’ve sent Rachel home on this date today and he wasn’t feeling it so clearly he’s feeling it." 

Make Corinne literate again... 

Nick cries for the 87th time as he let's Kristina go. And let us acknowledge that Kristina has a very sad crying face. Oof. 

I'm surprised that Corinne has made it this far without a hometown. I'm also disappointed that there wasn't a blow up fight this week, like there has been in seasons past (see: "I can't control my eyebrow!") Also worth mentioning that Tierra actually made it to this week on the season without a one on one. But then Sean introduced Tierra to his sister and immediately gave her the ax. HE ALSO GAVE MY BEST FRIEND LESLEY THE AX THAT WEEK AND I'LL NEVER BE OVER IT BECAUSE SHE WAS MY FAVORITE CONTESTANT OF ALL TIME. 

Whew. Whatta night. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Corinne Has How Many Lives?

I just want to start by saying thank you for the outpouring of love I received yesterday. You guys know that Sunday was a hard day, and all your texts and messages meant the world. Oh, why was yesterday hard for me, you ask? BECAUSE THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW IS THE MOST STRESSFUL EVENT IN AMERICA, TO ME.

For those of you that don’t know, seriously NO. THING. stresses me out like the Super Bowl halftime show. It is my BIGGEST nightmare in life to think about coordinating that thang, and have to be in charge of all of the moving parts that go into it. THINK ABOUT IT: They have like, 90 seconds to set up an ENTIRE STAGE (that has to be able to catch Gaga when she, you know, leaps from the top of an arena) get all those people in there, get them to do the choreography, get them to shift the stage around to where they’re supposed to, get all the dancers to land in the light where they’re supposed to, and THEN you have like, even less time to take the whole thing apart so the football game can resume! Truly nothing stresses me out more than the Super Bowl halftime show. Mercy. The stakes are SO high.

Whew! Glad I have 364 days to prepare for the next one.

Honestly the most important thing that happened this weekend was Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer on SNL. If you haven't watched it, stop what you're doing and go watch. The Super Bowl was good, but Melissa McCarthy was EVERYTHING.

Picking up where we left off... 

Loving the Production Assistant’s hair extensions, as she dramatically grabs Taylor’s suitcase from the hotel room. Taylor tells us she’s going to “speak her piece,” to Nick. Twenty bucks says that if she wrote that out, she’d write “speak my peace.” I bet she also thinks it's a "bold faced lie."

I’m still concerned that Taylor has elected not to wear a bra on this date... She could've at least waited for the PA to bring her her suitcase so she could throw one on...

Ok so she tells Nick was “flat out lied to,” but is she going to tell him HOW he was lied to? COME ON TAY TAY, USE YOUR WORDS.

She should've set up that she wasn’t going to try and get a pity rose from Nick, she was just there to tell him Corinne was a liar, because it made him do some extra work to steer it from “I don’t think you’re a bully,” to “Goodnight.” But he deserves to do like, .07 seconds of work.

Corinne tells us "Cats have nine lives and b*ches have two." I’m so confused by this. I want to assume it's a quote or a reference to something, but Corinne is so daft I can't possibly imagine her coming up with a reference at a time like this... Does she mean cats and dogs? I've already spent too much time analyzing this.

Rose Ceremony... 

This house that the girls are rolling up to for the rose ceremony is giving me shades of Liam Hemsworth’s parents’ house in “The Last Song," Amirite, Katie Bocksel? If you haven’t seen that movie, I can't fathom how you've made it this far...  

Honestly any excuse for this photo... 

You guys know how much I love Rachel. But DID that dress come from the Juniors section at Dillard’s, or did it not?

Josephine feels some heaviness in her heart that there’s no cocktail party. Jasmine has elected to chew on her nail about it.

Roses went to:

Kristina,

BRYAN: Lexingon holding strong!
GRACE: But like… Russia holding strong.


Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L,

BRYAN: Boobs can stay. Nose ring needs to go.

Jasmine, and Whitney.
(Seriously HOW is Whitney still here?)

We said goodbye to: Josephine, Jaimi, Alexis

The Living Room Peanut Gallery loved Alexis so much. Girl, you’re only 23. Bachelor In Paradise will be great for you. Twenty bucks says we see the "dolphin" costume in the opening credits, this summer...

Nick put even more prep into his speech about the next destination this week about St. Thomas than he did about N’Orleans. 

....It was still just as bad.

Shout out to Nick’s super hairy leg in the airplane right now? Him saying “Heeeey” to the ladies from the plane was the MOST un-enthused he’s been this entire season, which is saying something.

One On One: 

Kristina

FINALLY Kristina got a one-on-one. I can figure out how to spell her name. 

KRISTINA: The house in the mountain is pretty.
MAX: She’s literally just saying things she sees… “Rock… in water…ocean trees.”

Jasmine is having a really hard time about not being chosen for a one on one. I’m having a really hard time with Jasmine’s choker.

Nick has zero interest in Kristina's clearly-very-interesting life, asks her how to say "kiss" in Russian, then they get in the ocean. This is now the SECOND time he has shut down her attempt at emotional vulnerability.

NICK: Maybe I can bring down a lot of those walls that Kristina has up…
GRACE: I don’t think there are any walls. Just an accent.

Confession: we hit the rewind button to hear Vanessa’s fun fact about St. Thomas. Love some trivial history.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY DID THIS BIT WITH LORNA. I AM FLABBERGASTED. I cannot believe that a) production saw this through and b) post-production saw it through. Holy moly.

Now I’m flabbergasted by Kristina’s story. I AM ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER RIGHT NOW. You guys, this is seriously the saddest story that we’ve ever heard about in the franchise of this show. I can’t remember being this moved by someone’s personal story since Jillian Harris told Jason about her Mom.

Kristina is crying. Nick tried to cry too, but he ended up just wiping sweat off his face.

I’m a little offended that he chose to replay the motif of “living in color" before he gave her the rose. 

Bit trifling, if you ask me,.,

And then we get “Ave Maria” from a steel drum band…

CAROLYN: It’s times like this that I wish that Johnny were here. He’d have such great commentary for this moment.

Group date:
Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M, Jasmine

Then we find out that Danielle M and Whitney are going on a two-on-one… 

The stakes have just been raised. 

MAX: Nick’s short game is so weak, what is he even wearing right now?
BRYAN: But dude, his glutes are DOPE.

Guys, you know how much I love Danielle M for never wearing makeup. You know what else I love? She has ZERO chest. Whatta dish. Whatta doll. I relate to her so much right now. Except I DEFINITELY don't look like that in a bikini, thx. 

Let's clap it up for some good Raven one liners:

“Corinne would be great at volleyball. If she wasn’t drunk.”

“If Jasmine was a vegetable, she’d be a turnip, ‘cause she’s turned all the way up.”

So the girls play volleyball for like, six seconds, then they being to crash... They are having a MELTDOWN. They are all 100% melting down right now. Do you remember how JoJo pulled it together on the swine date with Ben, last season in the Bahamas? NO ONE did that today. Even my girl Rachel couldn't really come through, but the girls are kind of all super tired and drunk, so…. So glad no one had to call an ambulance when Corinne slurred, "CATCH ME" to Nick...

Jasmine is rolling downhill quickly. 

MAAAAAYDAAAAYYYY

And Raven is watching her.

Here’s another observation: Raven is sitting in these interviews in that neon dress… with straight hair. She has curly hair on this date right now. This was obviously a pick up interview.

Also same thing with Rachel, actually. Her hair is down in the interview but it’s up on top of her head on the date.

I just wonder how the producers keep Jasmine isolated enough to get this far into her head. Cause as she walks off with Nick right now, she is JONESING for a fight. Oh mercy. Ladies, I BESEECH you: if anyone who is reading this has the potential to be on the show, I need you to know: NEVER GO IN FOR THE ATTACK. This ended poorly for Jubilee, it ended poorly for Dominique, and it’s ending poorly for Jasmine right now.

This choke hold thing is so much for me. OH MY WORD WHAT IS SHE DOING?! Hoooowwwww. Whyyyyyy. And now I'm thinking about how she had that choker on earlier in the episode, why was that a running motif for her?!?

Goodness. She thought she was going into the conversation to get the pity rose and she got… the pity limo.

JASMINE: He didn’t give me a chance.
GRACE: He did, and you kept trying to choke him.
MAX: She choked.

Post-date (apparently Raven got the rose) Kristina, Raven and Rachel are lying in bed crying. PULL IT TOGETHER, LADIES. 

Two On One:

Whitney and Danielle L.

Well. It’s Romper Nation on this 2 on 1, right now. We forgot how wretched Danielle L's giggle is. Mercy.

They have obviously recycled the bed that they used from the Badlands on Kesley Poe and Ashley I’s two-on-one with Farmer Chris. Does this mean both girls are going home?

Danelle L, or “D. Lo” according to Vanessa, is trying to call Nick out on why she’s on the two-on-one. There’s no way for him to tell her “the producers totes made me do this.” Then Nick decides to send Whitney home. Whitney is definitely the THIS GUY of the season: 

Seriously couldn't tell you that guy's name (I think it was David?) but he made it to Ali Fedotowsky's like, top 6, or something crazy, and we had NO idea who he was... I'm pretty sure he got sent home from Iceland. The same place from whence Kasey got sent home on a two-on-one... When he was left on a glacier... After he'd just gotten a tattoo for Ali...

NICK: I can’t give you this rose.
CAROLYN: “So I will need you to leave.”
GRACE: “Actually I will need you to stay, while we fly away in the helicopter.”
WHITNEY: Do you think Danielle is ready for a relationship?
NICK: For me, this isn’t about Danelle, it’s about you and me.
GRACE: BUT IT IS ABOUT YOU AND DANIELLE. 

Honestly so much sand in Whitney’s face right now. Poor girl.

Woof, Nick got a lot of sun today, mercy.

The two of them are reading made up words on the wall of a dungeon. Also there wasn’t even a cool setup down there. They just walked back out. Anyone remember Ali and Frank’s date in Turkey when they were in like, the grotto? Frank bought that rug. Oh I loved those two so much. I don't know why this has become the Ali Fedotowsky throwback blog today, but I'm here for it.

YOU KNOW I'M STILL DEVASTATED. 

Still devastated especially since his girlfriend looked like this:

#NEVERFORGET

We all realized that Nick was going to send Danielle home because we heard the soundbite of Rachel saying “I didn’t know he’d send home both people on a two on one.” Everyone knows this but apparently Danielle. We are watching the train go off the tracks. She says she’s falling in love with him. He is SWEATING.

Ooooof that goodbye. GEEZ. Bye, girl.

Nick goes back to the hotel and is WEEPING to the women. And Danielle M is SHOOK (isn't that what the kids say?) 

This is me, about Corinne next week:

Honestly it's also me whenever the president tweets, sooooo... 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...