Let the Circus Begin....

Look, first things first: I'm still hung up about Nick and Vanessa's AFTR. They were more awkward than Emily and Brad and I refuse to be over it.

Also HELLO I AM MOVING TO DENVER BECAUSE BEN HIGGINS IS SINGLE, YOU GUYS. Seriously WHERE do I sign up.

For those of you that don't follow me on Instagram (I'm not peddling Fab Fit Fun boxes, don't worry) but you should check out my story before it disappears forever... Got some solid commentary from Big Daddy tonight.

Since I run everything like it’s a church service, let’s start with some announcements:

1) I’m watching from home this week – home in the heartland. Gran had a knee replacement so I came to help her convalesce. (ie: buy rich people guac from Whole Foods and watch NCIS: Los Angeles with her. Seriously – we’ve watched so many episodes.)

2) Saturday night was Bobby Moynihan’s last episode of SNL. So it was the final Drunk Uncle on Weekend Update. My feelings about it are as follows:

Gone but not forgotten. 

3) Anyone else as excited about Jim Comey’s upcoming testimony as I am?

Living for it.

4) Quick shout out about the latest new name for Bachelor in Paradise – y’all know my friend Kimberly that I sometimes rave about on here? Her mom, Barbara, was in town a few weeks ago and naturally she and I were discussing Nick Viall and Barbara goes “I mean Nick has been on so many shows! He was on Dancing with the Stars, The Bachelorette, The Bachelorette again, and then that show… Everybody In the Pool… So many shows!” Kimberly and I said… “Do you mean Bachelor in Paradise?” And she said “Well whatever it’s called, where they get everyone drunk and put them in the pool!”

….Touché.

INTRO:

We are greeted on the freshly watered driveway of the Bachelor Mansion, as Hare tells us that we’ve never seen an outpouring of love like they did for Rachel Lindsay… OMG HER STAGED COURT APPEARANCE IS SO BAD WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING. Delighted that Rachel got to bring her pup along for this ride. But what is going on with this cast on his leg? I love that she feels like she’s in the movie Clueless… while she’s driving a Tesla.

Cher had never heard of Nikola Tesla. 

Guy Intros:

Wrestler Kenny

Texas Attorney

Meathead Alex

Start Up Mohit – I feel GREAT about his Bollywood dancing.

Lucas Waboom – STAHP. (the producers must love this guy)

Personal Trainer Blake – so much sex!

Chicago Diggy – I hope to one day own as many Vibrams as he owns sneakers.

Prosecutor Josiah – When he goes “My name is Josiah, I’m a prosecutor…” Gran burst out laughing and goes “I thought he was gonna say ‘I’m a prostitute.’” 

At the Bachelor mansion, we see all of the girls who we needed to be reminded of before Everybody In the Pool this summer, Raven cries. Astrid really wants America to remember her. They won't. Sorry, 'Trid. 

GRAN: There's so much alcohol at these things!

GRACE: How else do you think they get a dude to run around with a bullhorn? 

Limo Exits:

- Peter: Whoaaaaa I LOVE Peter. He is SMOOOOOTH. 

- Josiah: nice blazer, brah. Came out with a legal joke. Not necessary. 

- Bryan: Bryan comes from Corinne's neck of the woods. Maybe they can shop for expensive clothes together. 

- Kenny: Oh I kind of liked his intro with the dance move. Charming. 

- Rob: Law student. Gran is really worried that he is taking time off of law school to do the show... 

- Iggy: Iggy was not wearing socks. 

- Bryce: Fire fighter. 

- Will: Steve Urkel - DON'T. 

- Diggy wants to teach her how to Diggy. DON'T. 

- Kyle - food in a basket? 

- Blake K - Thank you for your service, Blake. 

- Brady - male model. just had to "break the ice." Even Big Daddy wasn't into it:

He said they're all tools. 

- Dean: "once you go black-" DON'T. 

- Eric - Big Daddy didn't like the dancing 

- DeMario - still got those tickets in his coat pocket. He thinks he's going all the way. 

- Sex Guy Blake brought a marching band. And he loves sex. And he loves telling you how much he loves it. And he has bad puns. 

At this point, during a commercial, I finally allowed Granny and Big Daddy to speak. They are under strict orders not to speak during the show because I have to catch every word. I had to explain to BD what "Once you go black, you never go back" meant... It went about as well as you would think. 

-Fred: kind of love this dude that went to school with her. 

- Jonathan: his career is "Tickle Monster." Oy vey. 

- Lee: Lee has clearly never held a guitar in his life. (also obligatory shout out to my favorite guy from Ashley Herbert's season who came in playing the guitar, threw it in the pool and said "Just kidding, I totally don't play guitar..." She eliminated him that night! Whatta loss) 

- Alex: Alex had a vacum and I don't even know what he said. 

- I didn't get Polaroid guy's name. But I noticed that he shook Peter's hand and Peter is my favorite. 

- Adam: Brought Adam Jr. Coulda done without that. 

- Matt: Matt came out in a penguin suit and at that point, Big Daddy walked out of the room and put himself to bed. 

- Ambulance Guy: No.

-  Anthony: Wants to understand her? 

- Jamey: Just told her how ridiculous her dress was? 

- Jack Stone... is that a package deal on the name? 

- Jedidiah - ...is bringing out the Biblical references. 

- Michael: something poorly executed about a brownie? 

- Lucas: the only thing I have to say is that Rachel handled this guy like a CHAMPION. Also wonderful sidenote about the fact that I'm pretty sure that even this dude himself isn't sure of his brand. Like, Courtney Roberts knew she was the sultry villain on Ben Flajnik's season. Corinne was the ditzy, slutty villian last season... But what IS this guy? It's not even like "WaBoom" is a protein powder or something he can sell or anything (although there ARE t-shirts) and even though he was talked about on the radio and the late night circuits, it doesn't seem like he has much staying power if he's not actually selling anything. Stay tuned. 

I don't hate Josiah. Dean wants to build a sand castle with Rachel and I'm bored. But my first crush was named Dean, so I'm here for it. 

Can I just take a moment to mention all the smells that must plague The Bachelor and The Bachelorette in the premiere? Like, you're looking at an overload of perfume and aftershave, because everyone wants to make a memorable first impression, Then you get sweaty people because nerves are running high, which means that if someone doesn't smell so great, you will KNOW.  

I like Bryan. I don't know why Rachel has her arms crossed right now in this conversation with him. OHHHHH HE WENT IN FOR THE KISS! Preemptive, Bryan!!! Goodness. 

I love that Rachel was warned about DeMario but she's like, "Yeah, nah, I'm gonna decide for myself, no thanks." Also the dudes have now formed a LINE to talk to her. And now she's talking to Peter and Waboom is distracting them. And now Blake is already ready to call out Waboom. I don't care how crazy Waboom is, Blake is by far and away the WORST dude of this episode. 

First Impression Rose went to Miami Kisser Bryan. Meh. 

Roses went to: Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, , Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Blake, Lucas. 

Roses didn't go to... The law student, Mohit, Kyle, Blake, Milton and... some others? 

Oh also the Preds are going to the Stanley Cup. And as Donald Trump's nominee for Secretary of the Sports Games, I should probably be more enthused. 

Honestly if I lived in Nashville, I'd start a podcast where I'd make Big Daddy watch the show and then just get his opinion on all the guys. Especially because "Southern Baby Boomers" is a demographic that doesn't usually comment on this franchise. So excited for this season. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird....